Starfleet Commander Traficant: He's Not Really Dead as Long as We Remember Him…


Felonious former Congressman (redundant, I know) Jim Traficant won't be in the running for a House seat this fall. After spending years in the federal pokey, the man famous for his toupee and incessant quoting of Star Trek's "Beam Me Up" tag was trying to mount of a comeback against a former staffer who now occupies Traficant's seat.

The elections board in Trumbull County ruled that more than 1,000 of the 3,138 petition signatures that Traficant turned in were invalid. Signatures were thrown out because signers did not live in the congressional district or were not registered to vote, among other reasons, board director Kelly Pallante said. As a result, Traficant came up 107 signatures short of the number needed to make the ballot, she said.

More here.

Traficant's greatest "Beam Me Up" hits:

On God and Satan:

"When the U.S. Army allows Satan in one door and will not allow God in the other door, America is so screwed up we do not know where we are going. Beam me up, here."

On The Vagina Monologues:

"What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation. Beam me up."

On Old Glory:

"It is illegal to damage a mailbox, but we can destroy our flag. Beam me up."

On the Massacre at Waco:

"FBI autopsy reports confiscated of victims are now missing. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."

On a Topless Visit to the Lincoln Memorial by the Lady Buckeyes Rugby Team:

"That is right, topless. The Lincoln Memorial became a strip joint. Bras were flying everywhere. Unbelievable. Now, after all this, the university has suspended the team, and these Buckeye vixens are awaiting the final decision. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."

More here.

And since it's past 5pm in the Buckeye State, why not spend a few minutes listening to the Shatnerian version of Mr. Tambourine Man?

NEXT: Toast Your Marriage with a Bottle of Soy Milk in S.F. City Hall

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  1. …the man famous for his toupee and incessant quoting of Star Trek’s “Beam Me Up” tag was trying to mount a comeback against a former staffer who now occupies Traficant’s seat.

    I can’t get behind that.

  2. a Topless Visit to the Lincoln Memorial by the Lady Buckeyes Rugby Team

    Wait, what?

    1. I CAN get behind that!

    2. Usually I would be all for toplessness at the Lincoln memorial – hell, I am for toplessness everywhere. And I’m not picky, but I can’t imagine that Ohio female rugby players are all that nubile.
      Don Imus – thats a rough looking bunch.

      1. Seems to me that Women’s College Volleyball does the most for a young ladies figure, but you guys will have to find the photos on your own.

    3. SFW at least as far as I can tell

      The Cunning Runts.

      God that would be an awesome name for any girls sports team that had to run.

      1. Warty appears to already have the image saved. Damn him! *fist shaking*

  3. That denim ensemble is truly magnificent.

    1. That’s a Canadian tuxedo if I’ve ever seen one!

  4. Traficant is a lightweight compared to scatterbrained bitch Michelle Bachmann.

    Its about time for another article about how her family farm rips off taxpayers.

    1. Shoefly Pie

      Prep Time:
      30 MinCook Time:
      40 MinReady In:
      1 Hr 10 Min

      Original Recipe Yield 1 – 9 inch pie
      1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
      1/2 cup brown sugar
      2 tablespoons shortening

      1 teaspoon baking soda
      1 cup boiling water
      1/2 cup dark corn syrup
      1/2 cup molasses
      1/4 teaspoon salt
      1 egg
      1 (9 inch) unbaked pie crust
      1.To Make Crumbs: In a medium bowl, combine flour, brown sugar and shortening. Cut ingredients together with a pastry cutter or rub with fingers until dough forms fine crumbs. Set aside.
      2.Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
      3.To Make Filling: In a medium bowl, dissolve the baking soda in the boiling water. Stir in corn syrup, molasses, salt and egg being sure to stir well. Pour 1/3 of mixture into unbaked pie crust. Sprinkle 1/3 of the crumbs over mixture. Continue this process until crumb mixture and liquid mixture have been used up.
      4.Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes, then lower oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) and bake for an additional 30 minutes.

    2. Shrike, you forgot the anonymity link.

  5. Beam him up to where, I wonder?

    Love that Shat.

  6. Dear Diary…

  7. Seems Nick has run into the YoutTube BANHAMMER!!!!

    but we get the idea.


  8. Much more appropriate ST quote for Congress: Bonk bonk on the head

  9. Beam Me up I’m asleep.

  10. I’m sorry, is it NOT already a law that convicted felons can’t serve as office holders? Wouldn’t that at least make them pretend to try to not get caught?

    If it isn’t a law, can we get that passed? I mean who’s going to stand in front of the public outcry and say they think convicted felons should be one of the 535 people who represent 400 million Americans? Surely we can find 535 adults who meet the criteria, aren’t convicted, and aren’t any worse than what we’ve got, right?

    1. If the electorate votes for a convicted felon to represent them, who are you to deny them that choice?

      1. Convicted felons like. . .Adolf Hitler?

        1. If he promised to lower taxes and go easier on the Jews this time you would vote for him. Don’t lie.

      2. Um, because felons aren’t technically citizens anymore by definition, and you have to be a citizen to serve. But I have an old-fashioned idea on what should rise to the level of felony as well. Murder, rape, armed-robbery, white before Easter and after Labor Day, Canadian tuxedos, truly heinous and reprehensible crimes.

        1. “Um, because felons aren’t technically citizens anymore by definition”

          So does that make them illegal immigrants?

        2. felons aren’t technically citizens anymore by definition

          What? Since when?

      3. If the electorate votes for a convicted felon to represent them, who are you to deny them that choice?


  11. why not spend a few minutes listening to the Shatnerian version of Mr. Tambourine Man?

    Must. Not. Do. It?!

  12. Has no one yet pointed out that it’s “He’s really not dead…”?

  13. Horseshit. Every sentence in his committee hearing was far better than this. Spend 5 damn minutes on youtube and you’ll find 30 speeches better. The only congressman, nay human, who motivated my friends and I to make a formal calling circle so all may view live his TV performances deserves better.

  14. More importantly, would “Buckeye Vixens” be a good name for a band?

  15. “What’s next, the Rectal Diaries?”

    Priceless. Simply priceless.

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