Open Thread: TSA To Keep Us Safe From Nigerian Terrorists, Bankers' Sons, 419 Scammers


New TSA-approved security layout wins wide approval.

Since everybody seems to want to talk about the latest in Transportation Safety Administration foolproofitude, here's your chance.

Possible topics:

Liquids banned. Solids banned. Will gases be banned next?

If you're not allowed to keep anything on your lap, do barf bags and in-flight magazines become attractive nuisances?

Is there an inverse relationship between the retardation of the terrorist and the federal overreaction? The 9/11 attackers (who whatever you want to say about them were clearly competent and effective) inspired many new restrictions, but it took the stupid nincompoop Richard Reid to make us lose our shoes. What will we be required to doff thanks to the apparently dirt-dumb Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab?

Why can't these crazed Muslims just attack the Pope like normal people do?

Or pick your own subject matter. Long before the 9/11 attacks, I considered air travel something to be endured in a state of placid unhappiness, and I have long hoped to become a John Madden-type air travel refusenik. In this fast-paced, globetrotting age, that's never really been possible, but maybe four-hour lines at the gate will finally bring people around to my way of thinking.

NEXT: William and Mary Won't Do

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  1. Anything under 400 miles anymore is a driving trip. I used to fly a lot, but thankfully that was in the free-wheeling ’80s, before we all got body cavity searches before boarding. I now detest flying and avoid it at all costs.

    1. Come on admit it. You enjoy cavity searches.

      1. Only on the performance side, and then only with Charlize Theron look-alikes.

    2. Anything under 400 miles anymore is a driving trip.

      I have a lower threshold for airport hassle pain. I’m willing to drive at least 600 before flying.

    3. You guys are wimps. I live in Michigan. Since 9/11, I’ve driven once to Los Angeles, once to Salt Lake City, once to Tampa, twice to St. Louis, once to New York City, and twice to Boston.

      I’m not a criminal, and I don’t like being treated like one. I didn’t like airport security before 9/11, but I held my nose and went through it. But today, if some TSA security guard told me to take off my shoes, I know I’d tell him to go fuck his mother. So no more flying for me.

      1. I prefer driving because, unlike yourself, I am a criminal. I like to drink and use drugs when I travel. Occasionally I like to pop off a few rounds out the driver side window.
        They’ve made it so hard to do any of that on airplanes these days.

  2. Same here–I just wish we something better than Amtrack for rail travel, as that is the greatest way to travel, imho.

    1. Fuck RRS, Yo!

      Sports cars and sail boats are the way to go.Or power boats and private planes if you can afford it.Bicyles and hiking boots for the crunchies

      1. Trucks and yachts with big engines! The Viking grille does not fit in a sports car very well.

        1. Cross the country in style on a Vespa!!

    2. But… but… how can we have passenger-train service if it’s not provided by the government?

  3. I know I’m never flying to the US or England again.
    I’ll drive to the U.S. when I do.

  4. These dipshits don’t do squat to actually protect anyone so when there’s actually a real attack, and they’re shown up by airline employees or in this case a “civilian” passenger(s), they are gonna get some fuckin’ payback.

  5. When we fly home from Texas next week, I hope I’m seated across the aisle from a high-ranking official of the TSA. That way, if they say we aren’t allowed to get up from our seats, I can just plop my daughter on his lap whenever she needs to use the bathroom.

    1. When we fly home from Texas next week, I hope I’m seated across the aisle from a high-ranking official of the TSA.

      Why aim so high?She can regurgitate or expel bodily wastes on a damn rookie bag screener if that’s all you can get.

    2. Jesse,

      You’ve misunderstood the directive,

      NOTHING can be on your lap. Please place your child either underneath a seat in front of you or in an overhead bin.

      1. Aww, man… I can’t have a stewardess on my lap?


      2. How inefficient. You should check the kids with the luggage at the skycap.

    3. Careful, Jesse… you might get busted for using a child as an improvised pooing device.

      1. So much win in these comments/subthreads.

    4. Hey, what if you need to go? Could make for some interesting “fountains.” Just try to arc it into the aisle. And tell the passengers to step over it. It’s not their fault, after all.

      1. True that, sage. Brave territory to tread. Not sure whether you might serve more time than the ‘bomber.’

        Be careful what you do on a plane these days.

      2. Just tell them your urinary problems are due to pre-traumatic stress disorder; you’ll be covered by the anti-disability discrimination laws, AND get government Xanax prescriptions. Win-win!

  6. Check out this: (

    “n the wake of the terrorist attack on Northwest Flight #253, the TSA has issued new rules:

    “Some airlines were telling passengers on Saturday that new government security regulations prohibit them from leaving their seats beginning an hour before landing. The regulations are a response to a suspected terrorism incident on Christmas Day.”

    Other reports indicate passengers will not be allowed access to carry-on bags and will be prohibited from putting blankets or pillows on their laps during the last hour of a flight.”

    Seriously, WTF?! How would not having a pillow prevent you from pulling a stunt like the one on xmas day? And what is the signifigance of the “last hour” of the flight? What if the flight is only an hour? Why do we have to pay for their ongoing incompetence?

    1. Are you crazy? A terrorist could have hid some shit in his pillow and the ‘official’ report says the stupid cunt covered himself with a blanket. (This is quasi-parody, btw). Of course, they cannot access carry-on baggage within an hour of landing.

      Your questioning of TSA…is like…questioning???

      TSA. TSA. What is TSA? Ask yourself. Good luck. It’s the lay of the land. And most folk comply. If they bitch, they bitch where ears hear not and care not.

      1. Oh, there are ALWAYS ears around…

      2. If they bitch, they bitch where ears hear not and care not.

        Like the comments page of a blog post?

  7. Next time I go travelling, I’m carrying only a mesh bag and wearing only a leopard-print loincloth. It should save me some time at security and during the flight.

    1. why not a penis sheath. That counts for clothes in New Guinea/Melanesia.

      1. Cuz she’s too heavy to carry around all the time?

        1. Please tell me you’ll be here all week.

          1. Try the veal. And don’t forget to tip your waitress.

            1. Actually, designer custom penis gourds are the next “it” fashion. I’d have to put some duct tape over my asscrack, though. Modesty and all that.

              1. Aww, don’t be shy, Art…

              2. duct tape + ass hair == I’m driving to my next destination!

                1. My people, it has come to my attention that some of you may be attempting to circumvent our glorious, hard-working, friendly TSA associates by driving yourselves in personal vehicles. This not only contributes to global climate change, but makes it easier for domestic terrorists (i.e., those who did not vote for Me last November) to carry out their insidious plot to destroy what I hope to be America as Barack Envisions.

                  Therefore, I am directing My staff to expand our anti-terrorist screeners to include examinations of every car, truck, van, SUV, motorcycle, and all parcels/handbags/wallets/grocery store items contained therein.

                  My new Automobile Safety Squad will soon be conducting non-random roadside inspections* beginning sometime next year. It’s for your own good, because I Said So.

                  Thank you, and goodnight.

                  * Inspections will not include any current House or Senate officeholder, or anyone else on our “friendly” list. And, before you even ask: No, you may not see the list.

  8. Air travel since the TSA bitches took control has been an ongoing experiment in citizen shame, paranoia, doubt, and resignation. This latest incident just deepens the pool from 5 feet to 8 feet. Like the guy who single-handedly achieved terrorist success by inspiring the TSA to hold our shoes in suspicious contempt.

    People are so convinced they have to fly for relatively short domestic trips that they will endure anything to do so, especially the lucrative business-travel demographic. (Can’t believe I just typed that — people should be able to fly anywhere they want, regardless of the distance, with absolutely no resistance or intercessions from government.)

    This reaction by Homeland Security and its whores is the way of the land. FUD. We have to do it or our planes will blow up. One person threatening the lives of two or three hundred people doesn’t require the continual shame and embarrassment of hundreds of thousands of travelers, no matter what kind of emotionally gripping excuses Washington’s spinmeisters concoct.

  9. Why can’t these crazed Muslims just attack the Pope like normal people do?

    I wish no ill will to the Pope but I’d love to see the Renaissance era-uniformed Swiss Guard use the pikes and the sub-machine guns .

  10. My theory is that all these ridiculous restrictions are actually part of a cunning plan to make air travel such a pain that innocent people simply won’t bother. Once they’ve reached that point, and only potential hijackers and bombers are buying tickets, they can just preemptively arrest all passengers at the gate… really so much simpler.

    1. Assuming that TSA is cunning and not dumb-ass moronic is not a possible explanation. No sir. The gov’t solution will of necessity be either so dumb-ass or so save-somebody’s ass that pondering cunningness is pointless. You are dealing with intellectual laziness. This is the huge parking lot for that.

  11. Air travel can be made safer with better rules, restrictions and proper personnel training.

    1. I think you need better personnel, not just better training. We can’t expect to hire workers qualified for the fast food industry and expect them to keep us safe. We need to actually hire people who can think, not just fill a uniform.

      1. “Raaaaaacist!!”

  12. I suppose they will arrest anyone who farts! After all, its a flammable gas. I love the latest… that they aren’t letting people near their carry-ons (or even a pillow) the last hour of a flight. Wouldn’t the potential terrorist simply chose to commit his crime 90 minutes before landing?

    1. Farts contribute to global climate change, and are thus terroristic weapons. ManBearPig told me so.

      I’m totally cereal, you guys!

      1. *sigh* Isn’t he dreeeamy?

        1. Dumbass.

          1. Yeah, but he’s our Chad. We love ‘im anyway, poor li’l guy.

  13. ‘Since everybody seems to want to talk about the latest in Transportation Safety Administration foolproofitude’

    I joined and seriously upped that threadjack. Thanks for giving a new address. Fuck TSA. Total Shit-for-Brains Asswipes.

    1. Just Sayin’ you should entertain me “‘Since” I am your Queen.

  14. I thought that passengers were now going through “sniffers” that picked up the chemical traces of explosives. Have these not been deployed in most areas yet? Or does the tech rely on some science that’s not really solid?

    1. How dare you question Science!!!

  15. Actually, my carrion bag was already basically useless to me during flight, since I’ve had to stuff all my clothes in there to avoid shelling out $40 for the privilege of checking bags.

    1. They won’t let ME have a carrion bag…

      1. You think YOU have problems… try being me .

        1. Tell me about it.

          1. My baloney has a first name
            It’s B-O-B-B-Y…

  16. All carry-on items would be screened at security checkpoints and again at boarding, the airline said

    What is this supposed to accomplish? Either you believe your screening process is effective, in which case doing it twice is pointless, or you believe it isn’t effective, in which case doing it twice is still pointless.

    Overseas passengers will be restricted to only one carry-on item

    Same goes for this. If you’ve screened my laptop bag why do you care if I bring in aboard along with my main bag? All this does is double or triple the length of the bag checkin queue.

  17. If you really want to have security you should nuke Mecca, Qom, and realize that Islam is a death cult which we show they cannot hide behind their so-called civilians by shooting right through them to get to your Mulim terrorist buddies.

    But you Rh?mites would never do such a thing. We know listening to you that everything is the fault of the Joos and that zionist entity.

    And since when does “Reason” oppose Arab terror anyway. You clowns always defend it when I’m around.

    “There’s no need to fear. Underzog is here!”

    1. Don’t see much Jew-hatred here, Underzog. In fact, you’re the only one to bring it up. How curious.

      As for the rest of your… post, a simple “WTF” will suffice.

    2. Another troll-enema sighting.

    3. The Ghost of Holocausts Past is in the house!

  18. My latest musical offerings: In the Mood

    That fine German carol, Silent Night

    “There’s no need to fear. Underzog is here!”

      1. APOG,

        What sort of link is that?

        1. It was a cave troll image, but since the link was broken, I thought I’d preserve the mystery.

  19. That was some serious snark, showing the slave ship loading diagram superimposed on an airplane.

    1. prole,

      That’s the old seating diagram. They fit more in now.

      1. The diagram just shows one layer. What about stacking the passengers vertically?

        1. I wish airliners had submarine-style bunk beds. I’d rather lay down for the whole trip, even on an upper berth, then sit up cramped in one of those seats with the jerk ahead of me leaning his seatback into my face.

          1. Could fit a lot more people on-board that way… more efficient use of fossil fuels, too, which according to Pope Albert is the cause of psoriasis or something or another.

            1. That’s right! I, however, actually need My jet planes so I can spread The Holy Word… you mere mortals can walk for all I care. And I don’t.

              Besides, I must continue the hunt for ManBearPig. He holds the key to our salvation!

  20. Oh, and fuck TSA. Fuck them and their “everyone for eternity will have to take off their shoes because one half-assed twit tried to turn their shoes into bombs” asshattery.

    What will happen if a crowd of people all fucking refuse to take off their shoes? Do the Gandi “march on the salt factory” non-violent non-compliance thing? Politely tell them to shove their ineffective rules up their fat rear ends?

    1. They’d probably close the airport.

  21. I guess that whole shoes-off, laptops-out, liquids-in-a-bag song and dance was a complete waste of time, huh? Who knew?

  22. Since 9/11 I’ve advocated arming all passengers with large bowie knifes.…..amp;sr=8-8
    The bigger the better.
    Then we can all sit for hours with them at the ready. Any brown people get twitchy (or try to go take a leak) – it’s STABBIN TIME.
    Stewardess gets mouthy – GET STABBY.

    1. My ex-girlfriend had to fly shortly after 9/11, so I made sure she had a sharpened pencil in her purse. That got through security with no trouble.

  23. I’m still waiting for the hero who plants a bomb in a shirt and a bra. Assuming you’re not just surrounded by the normal fat, overweight American traveler, the TSA’s overreaction to that one could make your flight a bit more tolerable.

  24. The 9/11 attackers (who whatever you want to say about them were clearly competent and effective)…

    Didn’t ABC fire Bill Maher for saying something like this?

    If Obama hadn’t outlawed private jets, the solution would obviously be to use unused TARP funds to buy every American their own Gulfstream to move to and fro.

    As I’m sure someone else has already mentioned, there’s always the Archie Bunker Plan.

    In lieu of that, every flight could have an armed, off-duty D.C. detective onboard, and each passenger would be required to hit a picture of the guy’s Hummer with a snowball before they are allowed out of their seat.

    1. FoE,

      Choey mentioned the ABP here.

      1. It looks like I found a new nemesis.

  25. Next time I go travelling, I’m carrying only a mesh bag and wearing only a leopard-print loincloth.

    Okay, Art, but you’re going to have to buy a separate ticket for Cheetah.

  26. I can’t believe no one has pointed out yet that that graphic is RACIST!

    Your insensitivity to blatant RACISM tells me you’re all a bunch of RACISTS!

  27. If anything we should be laughing at Al Qaeda. How far have they fallen from a terribly successful attack like 9/11 to some guy burning his balls off over Detroit?

    This is like a VH1 Behind the music episode where a massively successful artist has descended to playing pubs, banging crackwhores, bankruptcy, and living in his car.

    1. I keep wondering why they picked Detroit. Tons of flaming plane wreckage falling out of the sky can only improve the neighborhoods of Detroit.

      How would first responders know where to find the crash victims? Everywhere they went, there would be burnt out buildings and rubble.

      Also what if by a huge stroke of luck the plane would have hit the NFL team in town to play the Lions, would the Lions be able to win in OT or would they still botch it so bad that they ended with a tie?

  28. I’m seriously considering driving to Key West in January instead of flying after all this.
    I used to fly for drives longer than 6 hours. I think my threshold is going to rise again.

    1. It’s the only way to, um, fly. And if you’re in any of the intellectual capital professions, handheld devices have fixed it so even the loss of workhours is minimal. You see stuff. You meet people.

      In the postwar period young adults used to head out onto the open roads of the pre-interstate-highway U.S.A. to Discover America. Now nobody has any confidence that there’s anything worth seeing in flyover country.

  29. The TSA just needs to convince the Defense Dept to get all US troops out of the middle east and southern Asia. Talk about a win-win!

  30. ANTI-TSA protip:

    get a waterproof dufflebag, use it as a carry-on bag. Fill it with sex toys. Dump synthetic goo all over the sex toys. Cover one penis-shaped sex toy with aluminum foil so as it might look like a weapon. Bring through security.

    1. They wear rubber gloves. They can’t wait to use them…so your plan is not sound.

      1. Jester? I bare -ly even knew her!

      2. “can’t wait to use them”

        The gloves? Please say gloves.

    2. We have a very special search for people who try stunts like that.

  31. I wonder how the screeners would react if I stuck, oh, say five grand in my shoe at the security check point? I might have to try that just see the expressions…

    1. they would sue your money. TSA vs. 5,000 in US dollars.

  32. Odd Couple Of Norquist, Hamsher Call For Investigation, Rahm’s Resignation
    …Hamsher and Norquist coauthored a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder today calling for a Department of Justice investigation of Emanuel for his role on the board of Freddie Mac, alleging that the White House, since Emanuel arrived there, has blocked an investigation of the government-sponsored mortgage lender.

    Emanuel served on Freddie Mac’s board in 2000-2001, when he quit to run (successfully) for Congress. He has also recently sparked the ire of liberals like Hamsher after it was reported that he pushed for Senate Democratic leaders to compromise with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) on health care reform and jettison an expansion of Medicare from the Senate bill….

  33. What’s interesting about both this case and Reid’s is that it seems to me that neither one really wanted to blow up the plane. If they had, why wouldn’t they have set it off in the bathroom?

    They were looking to become heroes, not martyrs.

    1. They were deranged. They were having second thoughts and they wanted to confess. In the end they did a half-ass job because they actually had to put the pieces together.

      The success of ground based suicide bombers is that they must merely press a button. The bomb is rigged by others which takes them out of the process so to speak.

  34. Kudos to a great Dutchman, Jasper Schuringa, for taking matters into his own hands and jumping over the seats to beat the crap out of this fucking Islamofascist monkey instead of sitting around screaming or waiting for a government edict from someone.

    Ideally he would have killed him so we wouldn’t have to waste money trying yet another worthless piece of crap, but he did an outstanding job nonetheless. This is good old fashioned individual initiative at its finest, and I hope he gets a Medal of Freedom.

  35. This is good old fashioned individual initiative at its finest, and I hope he gets a Medal of Freedom.

    You want to insult him for doing a good job?

  36. ROTFL, the TSA is a JOKE. The TSA is the biggest WASTE of an agency there is. Plain and simple.


    1. Anon-bot has discovered faux-libertarian populism. Troubling.

  37. I served in Iraq. I flew out of a Military Base, but came back on leave through Atlanta. We were thoroughly searched upon having to watch several videos when leaving Ali Al Salim Air Base in Kuwait. Once we landed in Atlanta we were greeted by TSA and Customs employees yelling at us to take our boots and dog tags off and our bags were screened all over again.
    I lived in relative safety while I was there, but there were allot of people that didn’t and very possibly had seen a friend get blown up a few days before. Now, here they are, being yelled at by TSA.

    People were nice enough to us otherwise. A little old lady came up to me on my way back after we had gown through Screening and thanked me for “protecting us”. I smiled, said Yes Ma’am while thinking to myself, but I can’t keep you from having to go through this.

    My point is, we’re not solving any problems.

    1. Sorry to hear you were treated so shabbily after your service, Appalachianist.

    2. Co-sign to that, my fellow OIF vet! I remember thinking the same thing when I went through Ali Al Salem a couple of years ago and demob’ed CONUS. Even though I had been thoroughly vetted pre-mob, searched, armed then subsequently de-armed by the Marine Corps, I couldn’t believe the treatment I got from the airport security people (even as they skinned and grinned at a gaggle of bearded, kufi-bearing Somalians who were boarding the same flight).

      Unfortunately, the little old lady in my anecdote fared worse than yours. She was in a wheelchair and got worse treatment than I did! Yep, you can’t be sure about those palsy-ridden, crafty ol’ white women!

      Personally, I think Israel has the right method, but then again I bet any U.S. airport that seeks Israeli expertise over the domestic variety probably ends up on a list quicker than known Muslim terrorists do.

      1. Problem is, who knows how many names on no-fly lists wind up preventing people with the same names from getting on a flight without a hassle?

        1. Word up.

        2. Denny Crain was on the list, so he sued. It was a very good episode of Boston Legal.

      2. Some years ago (time flies, so it might bave 3 or 10) there was an incident at LAX where a guy pulled a gun in the terminal with an apparent intent to do harm. He was unlucky enough to be standing in front of the El Al ticket counter. An employee of El Al killed him on the spot. After the incident an El Al spokesman said it is El Al’s policy to have armed and capable people at all of its locations.

        If the guy was smarter he would have pulled his gun in front of the American Airline ticket counter where presumably he would have been met with offers of tea and sympathy instead of hot lead. Score another one for the Israelis!

        1. IIRC that guy was another case of Sudden Jihad Syndrome and wanted to kill Jews, so his choice of location was part of the point.

    3. Yeah-my first trip home in 2003 I got the treatement from some customs monkey at DFW, just off a plane after a 20+ hour flight and confused about what I was supposed to do first-rude and not at all helpful summarizes it.

      Course, I wasn’t flying from Kuwait, but Qatar so I hadn’t gone thru all the hassle at Ali Al Salem (did that the second time when we refraded home after the deployment).

      My advice-save your leave and take it all at the end. Going home midtour is more trouble than it is worth.

  38. It is now being reported that the Nigerian Underpants Bomber was from an “elite” family. All the best schools, all the privileges, etc.

    Based on this, I think TSA ought to shake down the upper-crust: “you went to Harvard, son? OK, bend over whilst I examine your entrails.”

  39. I believe we should contract the Dutch to take over TSA, since they seem to be the only ones to take real actions to stop terrorism. This is opposed to scaring the Bejeezus out of us at the The Scare Agency has been doing for years, and which has yet to actually find a single terrorist, except Grandma who likes hitting jerk TSA officials with her cane.

    1. I believe we should contract the Dutch to take over TSA, since they seem to be the only ones to take real actions to stop terrorism.

      Other than letting the Underpants Bomber get on a plane in their country….

  40. Based on this, I think TSA ought to shake down the upper-crust: “you went to Harvard, son? OK, bend over whilst I examine your entrails.”

    No, the only ones that should be shaken down are fucking, liberal humanities professors who infest college students minds with bullshit about how we cause these people to commit terrorism against us because we impoverished them, blah blah blah.

    This guy is not the first, or even uniquely, well-to-do Muslim terrorist. Hell, Bin Laden is an engineer from a family with untold billions in assets! Most of the 9/11 terrorists had some engineering or post-secondary training.

    The only good thing about this story is that it appears that Al Qaeda is now reduced to recruiting University of Michigan law school rejects instead of the Southwest / Southeast Asian upper crust.

    Who knew that quotas and affirmative action on Al Qaeda’s part would save us from terrorism!!

  41. There’s always netjets . Anybody got a spare $500,000?

  42. I think muslim free flights would be quite popular with Americans.

  43. With many new announcement about the wizard of oz movies in the news, you might want to consider starting to obtain Wizard of Oz books series either as collectible or investment at

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