Transportation Policy

D.C. Metro Buses Soon to Be Driven by SWAT Cops

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After being rewarded with a new contract for overseeing a series of embarassing, tragic, and downright incompetent mistakes by his subordinates (see here and here), D.C. Metro General Manager John B. Catoe took a page out of your typical politician's playbook: When you can't seem to wrap your arms around a problem, just declare war on it.

"We have a battle in front of us," General Manager John B. Catoe said in a statement to board members at the start of today's board meetings. It's a battle, he said, to win back public confidence in mass transit. "If people don't feel safe, we won't have riders."

"This is my declaration of war," Catoe said. "Today, it's about action, not about reviews."

He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but "no one is more accountable than I."

"I will not hesitate in taking—if I think that we're not moving in the right direction—to make future changes."

I suppose it's at least refreshing to see a government employee declaring war on sub-par government employees for once, instead of on those of us they govern.

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  1. Bring it on, bitches!

  2. Press conference ended, John B. Catoe reyrned to his office and resumed business as usual.

  3. He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but “no one is more accountable than I.”

    I think we have a “Best Comic line of 2009” award winner.

    1. I LOLd at that also.

      Wish he’d tagged it with “and they know it”.

  4. Would letting an incompetent, money-losing operation like this go out of business ever enter their minds?

    1. Money-losing?!

      We collect fares from every rider!!

      1. What do you mean I’m overdrawn? I still have checks!

  5. “If people don’t feel safe, we won’t have riders.”

    The operators could care less if there are any riders at all. So long as they get their union pay and bennies, go on strike every few years for more, and can’t be fired even if they cause huge amounts of bodily harm and property damage, the thought of getting people from A to B safely is furthest from their minds.

  6. a government employee declaring war on sub-par government employees for once, instead of on those of us they govern

    Wait a bit. I predict shortly, the problem will be found out. It’s the damn passengers that are screwing everything up. At which point, we’re back to warring on the citizens again.

  7. He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but “no one is more accountable than I.”

    And everybody in the room heaved a sigh of relief.

  8. Just after thanksgiving I declared war. War on the fridge, then war on the crapper. I was largely victorious on both fronts, and backs.

  9. I suppose it’s at least refreshing to see a government employee declaring war on sub-par government employees

    *guffaws, slaps knee*

  10. Speaking of Metro, when are train operators going to go the way of elevator operators? Oh wait, this is DC where they still had elevator operators in the Capitol when I worked there in the 90’s (do they still have them?). Seriously, there were what, four floors to choose from and some guy stood there all day and punched one of the four buttons for you. Nice work if you can get it.

  11. After being rewarded with a new contract for overseeing a series of embarassing, tragic, and downright incompetent mistakes by his subordinates (see here and here), D.C. Metro General Manager John B. Catoe took a page out of your typical politician’s playbook: When you can’t seem to wrap your arms around a problem, just declare war on it.

    .

    He’s going to declare war on incompetent bus drivers?

  12. INT. BALKO’S APARTMENT. NIGHT

    BALKO sits at a computer, naked from the waist down. He is wearing a t-shirt that says LEATHER DADDY.

    Books and TACK HAMMER sit on the desk next to his keyboard.

    BALKO is working on an article.

    BALKO
    ( under breath )
    I must make them feel what I feel…

    CLOSE UP ON COMPUTER MONITOR. The follow words scroll by the screne as BALKO types:

    AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF PUTTING AWAY INNOSCENT MEN, SKRON WILL NOW BE IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

    BALKO takes his hand off the keyboard and stands up. He places his phlacid member on the table. He snatches the TACK HAMMER and quickly reigns 3 blows down upon his member.

    BALKO’S leg shake. A single tear runs down his face.

    BALKO
    ( screaming )
    I WILL MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND!!

    BALKO sits back down and types furiously.

    CLOSE UP COMPUTER MONITOR.

    SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK BEING INNOSCENT WILL BE ENOUGH, THINK ABOUT MARLON ANDERSON – HE WAS RAPED FOR 25 YEARS BEFORE DYING OF A PRISON SHANKING. ALL BECAUSE HE DARED TO ASK FOR A LAWYER.

    BALKO starts to cry as he pulls the HEDGE CLIPPERS from underneath his chair.

    FADE OUT:

  13. Guess snowball fights at the bus stop are now out of the question…

  14. “This is my declaration of war,” Catoe said.

    As a bus rider, I find this offensive.

  15. He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but “no one is more accountable than I.”

    This is a declarative sentence, not a normative one. In other words, he’s merely stating that everyone else at Metro is even less accountable than he.

  16. “He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but “no one is more accountable than I.””
    Didn’t Janet Reno make the same claim?

  17. “I will not hesitate in taking — if I think that we’re not moving in the right direction — to make future changes.”

    I predict the first change will be in his story.

  18. Ceterum, censeo Metro delenda est!!

  19. He said every aspect of the Metro operation would be affected, but “no one is more accountable than I.”

    So the next time something bad happens, he’s going to resign?

    I didn’t think so.

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