Reason Morning Links: Climate Deal Unlikely, Congress Hits Own Debt Ceiling, Fat Santa

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  1. “Health Expert: Santa Needs a Carrot, Not a Cookie”

    Kyle Jordan: “Health Expert” needs to take the stick out of his ass.

    And yes, I read that’s it’s “light-hearted”. Still, fuck him.

    1. That’s strange, because Santa always ate the cookies I left out for him as a kid. And drank the scotch.

      1. That was funny…I wonder what MADD would make of it?

        1. Dude, Santa flies a sleigh–he doesn’t drive a car. Come on.

          1. Didn’t they arrest some country singer for driving a lawnmower wasted? I think they’d get Santa too, and the BACs are so low thanks to MADD he’d be over the limit if he just smelled the Scotch…

            1. I don’t think they’d have a case because technically, the reindeer are doing the flying.

              1. Right. It’s like AI but with tiny reindeer brains instead.

            2. You can be arrested for riding a horse while drunk on your own property.

              Santa is doomed.

              1. Horses aren’t a highly trained cadre of sleigh-pullers, either. You think Santa is some amateur? Do you have any conception of the scope of his business?

                1. Your shaky reindeer science isn’t going to fool me.

                  I have all those emails proving that you fudged Santa’s flight data recorder.

                  1. SF,

                    What are you, a Santa denier?

              2. Santa is also super quick. Have you ever seen him on Christmas Eve? Good luck catching him. I guess all those cookies aren’t slowing him down. Dude does more work in one night than the entire welfare roll combined.

                1. Speaking of buzzed Santa, did you guys take part in Santacon this year? It’s the best parts of St. Patrick’s Day and Halloween put together!

          2. He flys do he’s under FAA rules. I don’t know if they ever certified his sleigh.

  2. ‘We need a planetary one-child policy’

    http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/7832/

    Same fears, different name? (Global cooling)
    http://www.spiked-online.com/i…..icle/7817/

    1. From the global cooling article:

      …There simply was no IPCC in the 1970s, and there was still space for a number of new hypotheses. To go out looking for a 2008-style consensus, and perhaps even an IPCC-equivalent body in the 1970s, is to be anti-historical. It is a view analogous to those paintings from the Middle Ages that naively portrayed ancient Romans in contemporary garb….

      …Forgotten for 35 years, the CIA report, A Study of Climatological Research as it Pertains to Intelligence Problems frequently mentions a scientific acceptance of global cooling. It also reveals how most climate fears have never really left us, regardless of the underlying temperature trend….

  3. Damn, no Gary Johnson on the presidential hopefuls list. And my second pick, Mitch Daniels, is way back at number 9.

    1. you picked my two

  4. “Grills said Santa’s close-up contact with sniffling, coughing kids made him a one-man outbreak waiting to happen, with swine flu the biggest seasonal concern.

    “Unsuspecting little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his present, he gets H1N1 influenza,” Grills warned.”

    God, I hate this guy.

    1. You oughta lighten up.

  5. Restless Genital Syndrome

    It’s the picture that really ties the whole piece together.

    1. No, it’s all about ME!


      Image of thoughtthinker thoughtthinker
      12/16/09

      When someone hurts me, or I lose trust in a romantic partner (or read the incriminating whatevers during a tragically successful snoop), or I remember a sexual assault I witnessed or was the victim of, I get an intense feeling of sexual arrousal in a horrible, horrible way. Does anyone else experience this? I wonder if it’s related… physiologically that is… I know my issue pales in comparison to hers.

      I can’t imagine how torturous that is for her.
      Reply
      Elaken promoted this comment Edited by thoughtthinker at 12/16/09 5:03 PM thoughtthinker was starred thoughtthinker was unstarred
      Image of Elaken Elaken
      12/16/09

      @thoughtthinker: When I read a rape scene in a book or see one in a movie it makes me sexually aroused. While also disgusting me and sometimes making me cry. I use to feel horrible about that until I just realized I can’t help my body’s (or brain’s) response.

      Dan Savage – I am a new fan of his – thinks your brain takes things that you fear or have issues with and reworks them to make them a fetish, as a coping method I think. In addition to the association that Treeless speaks of.

      1. Why can’t I find women like this?

        1. I don’t think you’d want to. They’d probably be all hot to trot and then as soon as the sexing was finished they’d start crying and throwing things.

          1. As long as they’re crying and throwing things in the kitchen while making me a sandwich, I see no problem with this scenario.

            Plus, you have to entice and reinforce their desires. Make them accept and then openly yearn for it. It’s all part of the Dom-sub dynamic.

    2. Hmm. She’s from here. Interesting…

      Joking aside, her situation sucks. Hopefully it can be corrected.

      1. Not easily, if at all, depending on the severity and frequency of her hyperstimulation of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris and pudental nerve.

        Essentially those pelvic nerves pathways cannot be depolarized due to her trauma.

        1. SugarFree rightfully points out the woman’s photo. Her face has the inscrutable quality of one of Daniel Clowes’ excellent drawings.

          1. bess marvin, girl sez:

            is it horrible that i thought about what hollywood would do with a story like this?

            Apparently, she’s unfamiliar with John Waters’ oeuvre.

            1. There was an episode of Greys Anatomy that. What? STFU. I have a wife and a 17 year old daughter that love that shit and I was forced, yes forced to watch it. Anyway. there was a female patient having spontaneous orgasms. Several times a day. Similar but way hotter IMHO.

              1. Spontaneous my ass. It was an attempt at making “Zapped Yet Again”. Somewhere, there was some guy drinking Prune Juice behind it all.

  6. A senior Treasury official told CBS News that the department has some “extraordinary accounting tools” it can use to give the government breathing room in the range of $150-billion when the Debt exceeds the Debt Ceiling.

    With all due respect, WTF?!

    1. What’s surprising is that they have “extraordinary accounting tools” that they’re apparently holding in reserve. Jeez, bring those bad boys out! Why hold back?

    2. They have Green Lantern (the good one Hal Jordan, not the crappy one John Stewart) and they will simply have him make 150 billion green dollar bills.

      1. the crappy one John Stewart

        Yo, that’s my homie, racist.

    3. So did Enron learn from the government or did the government learn from Enron?

    4. The voters had better exercise some “extraordinary accounting tools” next year.

    5. The term is Enronacccounting.

    6. So did Enron. I recommend the same outcomes.

  7. Hell I’d vote for Gary Johnson, primary or general election. He’s got many of the things I admired about Paul without some of the baggage. He can peel off conservative voters by actually having principles on fiscal matters and peel off liberals with the anti-WOD stuff.

  8. Give Santa a carrot, not a cookie: Expert deems Mr. Claus an unhealthy, reckless role model

    In my family the tradition is to leave Santa a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich with a beer to wash it down. Delivering all those presents is thirsty work that uses up a lot of calories.

  9. Environment ministers at the talks have so far failed to close a rift over how far the developing world should join industrialized countries in cutting carbon emissions.

    Who could possibly foreseen this development?

  10. Oh, I forgot to mention that that SOB also runs a sweat shop and abuses animals.

    1. And, most egregiously, defies the laws of physics.

      1. Defies? No. Bends? Yes.

        1. My bad. That’s Neo Claus.

          1. Right. In black leather with sunglasses.

              1. That’s most excellent, dude.

  11. While nobody was paying attention, the House yesterday passed a second stimulus bill of $154 billion.

    Or third stimulus, depending on how you’re counting.

  12. Someone called Copenhagen the warming religion’s Hajj. That is funny.

  13. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m thoroughly stimulated now.

    1. I’m almost overstimulated. Now, I need some titillation.

  14. A senior Treasury official told CBS News that the department has some “extraordinary accounting tools” it can use to give the government breathing room in the range of $150-billion when the Debt exceeds the Debt Ceiling.

    Translation:

    “We’ll lie. We’ll cook those books like a goddam Beef Wellington.”

  15. Extraordinary accounting? But you said extraordinary accounting was bad.

  16. Handicapping the 2012 GOP field for president

    Ron Paul is listed way at the bottom, with the line, “Where are you?” Apparently the author doesn’t watch TV.

    1. I saw Ron Paul on the teevee yesterday talking about Bernanke. He called him the world’s biggest counterfeiter. With a grin and a gleam in his eye.

  17. Why don’t we quit fucking around and just make Jeff Skilling the Secretary of the Treasury?

    1. That was pretty damn cool, but I was kinda hoping it would be the full Iron Penis trailer.

      1. The world’s not ready.

        1. If you could get Michel Gondry to direct, I think you’d have the Palme d’Or locked up.
          In all seriousness, Favreau’s the man. They should have let him helm Daredevil. Then it might not have sucked.

          1. Ben and his wig doomed DD far more than the directing.

            The only well-cast part of the whole debacle was Kingpin.

            1. Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock might literally have been the worst piece of casting I’ve ever seen (Jennifer Garner was not appropriate for Electra IMO either).

              1. The real mystery is: how did Electra get made? Did Garner run over the producer’s kid and the movie was part of the cover up?

                1. Considering many of my friends are comic book geeks, the fact that (almost?) none of them wanted to see Electra was indeed very telling. It’s hard for me to believe Alias was ever so popular that some studio would bankroll Garner reprising her role in a spin-off of a movie that few people seemed to like in the first place.

                  1. “Elektra” wasn’t really bad, just innocuous and boring – sort of a “TV Movie of the Week” take on the story.

                    The director’s cut of “Daredevil” removes a lot of the egregious buffoonery that soiled the theatrical version – tightened it up a lot, too. It’s quite acceptable.

                    Except for Affleck. I do agree about that.

    2. Looks good. Stark should be a comic book hero libertarians could get behind, entrepeneur you know.

      1. What, MNG, you think libertarians are comic book reading geeks? (please don’t respond to this)

      2. I agree. The opening part in front of the panel was great.

        I’d prefer Bruce Wayne but he’s very anti-gun and a strong supporter of Gun Control.

    3. Impressive. Most impressive.

    4. This makes me wonder though, is Marvel setting up a swerve?

      The “Civil War” era Tony Stark is VERY different from the way he’s being presented in the movies. I wonder if they’re going to change the character in the books or slowly but surely make him pro-Big Government in the films?

      1. I would imagine they will stay far away from Civil War in the movie franchise(s). As is, they seem to be working more in the Ultimate Universe anyway. Especially with the introduction of Black Widow as a love interest.

        I guess we’ll get confirmation if the Thor movie portrays the Son of Odin as a delusional hippie cult leader.

        1. Hopefully you are correct.

          Cap surrendering made me drop Marvel almost completely. I haven’t bought a Marvel monthly since and have only bought maybe 6 or 7 graphic novels in that time frame. Not that I’ve been a huge Marvel fan for the past few years or anything.

  18. Off the record, I also told CBS News that the department has a jocular way of referring to our “extraordinary accounting tools”. We say “Let the taxpayers EAT it!”

  19. Someone punch that Santa hating turd in the fucking mouth. Thanks in advance.

  20. Santa Claus exploits and demeans Persons of Diminutive Stature, and he lures small children into close proximity with candies and promises of gifts.

    He should be on some sort of a list.

    1. The Elves are not people.

        1. Glenn Beck defended the Constitution originally defining an Elf as 3/5 of a person on the radio yesterday.

        2. He died in 1977. Get over it, already.

    2. Santa encourages the deforestation of Mother Earth. And the waste heat from his massive manufacturing plants in the North Pole is melting the ice cap at an alarming rate. Not to mention the damage from the effluvia of that many elves being dumped in the ocean.

      1. Not to mention the obscene amount of Warming Gases the reindeer produce.

  21. They are saying Rubio is now even with Christ for the GOP Senate nomination in Florida. Christ is a first class big government piece of shit. A walking talking example of everything that is wrong with the GOP. I don’t know if Rubio is any better. But Christ going down can’t be a bad thing.

    1. The spelling you’re looking for is “Crist”, although your post is funnier as-is.

    2. John, my friend, normally I don’t correct your typos, but it’s Crist!!!!

      Crist may the Man of the Immaculate Tan, but he isn’t walking on water anytime soon.

      And yes, Crist is a monumental RINO “moderate” shitbag.

    3. Christ is a first class big government piece of shit.

      In typos lies truth.

      1. In typos veritas

        Recommended pronounciation: “Tie-pous”

    4. Well, I’d vote for Christ.

      As for Crist, he sucks ass. Except for his Hamiltonian tan. In fact, if there were an epic poem that included Crist as a character, he would be referred to as Hamiltonian Crist.

  22. “Christ is a first class big government piece of shit.”

    “But Christ going down can’t be a bad thing.”

    This may be the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  23. BBC slammed for debating Ugandan bill to kill gays

    http://malaysia.news.yahoo.com…..e2916.html

    1. Oh, wow…I’m going to defend the Beeb here. I’m trying to imagine how encouraging debate on a topic, no matter how terrible, could “fan the flames of hatred”. It’s not the same at all in my mind as taking an editorial stance supporting this Ugandan policy.

  24. Iraqi militants hack U.S. drone video feeds.

    1. Fike! Here’s the drone link .

    2. I think you put up the wrong link, but electronic warfare is a game of constant one-upmanship.

      1. Thanks Art, I think I got the right one now.

        1. That was a simul-post. I’ve read your correct link.

          1. There’s no such thing as total perfection, true, but encryption might be a kinda sorta good idea in your remotely controlled death from the skies.

    3. I read that article to. Unbelievable. We are going to keep pretending that our systems are secure and relying on them for everything and wake up one day and not have a military. We will still have lots of guys in uniforms, but none of their weapons will work.

      1. No snark about the software program for the drones’ cameras being called “Gorgon Stare?” Thought that would be good for a Stross joke or three from all of you. Incidentally, he’s supposed to come out in 2010 with another novel set in the Laundry-verse. Can’t wait.

    4. This is the part of the thread where you insert the doublefacepalm.jpg. Front page in the dead tree edition BTW.

  25. From the Brickbats (what happened to comments over there?):

    The Willows Unified School District Board of Education voted unanimously to expel Gary Tudesko for having two unloaded shotguns in his truck during the school day. Tudesko, 16, left the guns in his truck after going bird hunting. But he said he didn’t think he was violating school rules because he wasn’t parked on school property. Officials at the California school system said that didn’t matter.

    The principal said this shit: “I’m erring on the safe side of protecting staff and kids,” he said. (Except for the one who is being expelled, of course. F him, apparently.)

    1. I’ve never been able to grasp how people can be this stupid and/or cowardly.

      I’d say he may have a legal case against the school but he’s in California so probably not.

    2. You really have to be retarded to be a school principal. Seriously. Most people with brains and ambition don’t become teachers. And the few that do get crushed by the bureaucracy. So you already have a self selected pool of stupid people. Then, of that pool, anyone who is moderately intelligent and loves the job wouldn’t want to be an administrator. So you are left with the lowest, most craven, do anything for a paycheck type of people competing for the job.

      When you consider the 100s of zero tolerance stories that come out every year, I am not sure there is a more craven and ignorant group of people in the world than school administrators.

    3. This was the classic dodge we all used in high school for keeping the school from screwing with your crap. Park across the street. It also worked for smoking. No smoking on school grounds? Okay, the street isn’t school grounds.

      I have the sneaking suspicion I would not have made it through high school in the current era.

      1. The high school I went to in southern Mississippi in the late 70s called my dad one day. It seems that someone had seen me smoking a cigarette as I was walking to school. I was about three quarters of a mile from the school. They informed him that I was being suspended because once I left the house, I was considered to be at school. He told them that it was good to know. If something were to happen to me after I left the house, he knew who the lawyers would go after. I wasn’t suspended and they changed their policy so that only busriders were bound by the rules.

        1. Wow, I’m glad your dad talked some sense into them, ’cause that policy was just stupid.

  26. I can’t wait for the footage of an attack drone veering erratically over the Mall, as two competing sets of controllers attempt to establish a flight path.

    1. Apparently you didn’t see the GI Joe movie.

  27. But he said he didn’t think he was violating school rules because he wasn’t parked on school property. Officials at the California school system said that didn’t matter.

    “… because we OWN yer punk ass, Sonny!”

  28. Agents from ICE, DEA, and FBI hand out stuffed animals at a poor school, in a totally creepy move designed to show that they’re not creepy. Hope there were no unfortunate dogs around.

    http://seattletimes.nwsource.c…..ly17m.html

  29. Felix Salmon

    At least now it’s a bit more obvious why Vikram Pandit couldn’t make his scheduled meeting with the president on Monday: he really was desperately trying to drum up interest in this share sale. Obviously he and his capital markets team didn’t do a particularly good job: Treasury told them it wouldn’t sell any of its stake at a loss, they tried to make sure that Treasury wouldn’t have to, and they failed, so Treasury withdrew its stake from the stock offer.

    None of this is going to help relations between Citigroup and its largest single shareholder, the US government. Indeed, as Treasury tries to sell down its stake in the company over the next six to 12 months, it might not even use Citigroup’s equity capital markets team to do so, given the unimpressive showing that team made on Monday.

    And I suspect that the real problem here was that Citi’s bankers started believing their own share price, thinking that there was much more fundamental demand for ownership of this behemoth than actually there is. Citigroup stock trades at a low nominal price on very high volume, which is like catnip to speculators who can make huge returns on relatively small changes in the share price. As a result, the nominal price is a relatively weak indication of the fundamental demand for Citigroup ownership. And debacles like yesterday’s result.

    CitiFail

  30. “Extraordinary accounting tools” = “buckets and buckets of Wite-Out”

  31. Browning of America slows, whites expected to remain majority until 2050.

    What fun is there in a factoid like that if you can’t share it with LoneWacko?

    1. Makes my old copies of Black Flag’s White Minority seem less prophetic, anyway.

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