When You Wake Up Screaming, Cuddle This Book for Comfort


the only thing scarier than getting a book from a cop

The cops in Middleton, Wisconsin, used to give children stuffed animals to comfort them when they had witnessed a traumatic event like a traffic accident or domestic abuse. But from now on, those kids are getting books instead, thanks to the Consumer Product Safety Commission's efforts to run old toys—which have a small chance of failing to comply with overly-stringent new rules about labeling the metal and chemical content in any object intended for kids under 12—out of town:

The new Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act…has law enforcement officers rethinking handing out stuffed animals because of the chemicals they might contain.

[Middleton police Sgt. Don Mueller] said that he used to hand out Teddy bears or other stuffed toys to children. Now, Middleton police are using the books to make sure they're in compliance with new federal regulations."One of the reasons for that is we get older toys that come in and they're perfectly fine to give out, but we don't know if they were made under the new requirements," he said.

I'm all for handing out books to kids, but there's a reason the cops' first choice was teddy bears. And literacy crusaders might want to think twice about encouraging kids to associate reading with that time Daddy had too many beers and slugged Mommy and then there were all these flashing lights and sirens and the police officer kept saying "Stop crying and read, dammit!"

Via Amend the CPSIA

NEXT: A New Alliance for Criminal Justice Reform? Don't Count On It.

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  1. Liberals are evil.

    1. …and stupid. Don’t forget stupid.

    2. Liberal politicians are evil. But then all politicians are evil. Most liberals, in my experience are just sort of silly.

    3. When you advocate policies that result in taking stuffed animals from traumatized children, does it really matter if you do so out of evil, stupidity or sillyness?

      1. Pure evil and malice… Or maybe some mental disorder that makes them think that not giving a teddy bear to a kid that just saw his dad bend a golf club over his mom’s back and instead giving him a Where’s Waldo book is an improvement. They’re probably just ill…

    4. Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by incompetence.

  2. Middleton is the home of Capital Brewing. I say give ’em a Blonde Doppelbock!

    1. +1

    2. But if it’s in late spring, a Maibock.

  3. There are companies that actually make bears for this? WTF is the problem? I wonder if blowing up gloves and making chickens is going to be banned. (I make one awesome rubber glove chicken/dinosaur.)

    1. I don’t think there are companies that manufacture stuffed animals simply for this purpose (imagine the pork contracts THAT would bring in! [“This $3 mil contract should be allowed FOR THE CHILDREN!”]).

      Rather, police departments hold charity drives to collect unwanted stuffed animals. It’s a great thing and it’s a shame that nanny-state busybodies had to wipe it out. If I’m a three year old and I just saw my mom get the taste punched out of her mouth, I don’t want to read some shitty book about a panda who tells his jungle friends to recycle. Fuck that. I need my goddamn bear

    2. We get our bears from a volunteer organization. Basically a bunch ofold ladies that get together to sew bears with little fireman hats on.

      Works miracles with the kids. I can’t see handing a traumatized toddler a book 😐

      1. That’s what I was referring to. You can find police and fire bears in individually wrapped plastic marketed in police and fire catalogs. They are made specifically for children.

        And yes they work wonders. Along with being half clown and treating kids like adults and not retarded kids. They know what happens, don’t understand, but they know.

        /rant off

  4. “Stop crying and read, dammit!”

    Way to dredge up horrifying memories for the dyslexic people.

    1. “Pots crying and dare, pammit!”


      1. That’s just cruel.

  5. I lost all my respect for LeVar Burton after I found out that Reading Rainbow existed and he hosted it. I mean, you can’t be a blind, goofball, bad-with-the-ladies engineer and the host of a children’s show. For Christ’s sake, do a role where you’re a murderer or a director of very loud, very awful big budget movies. You know, something truly evil.

    1. No respect for LeVar? The man hosted Reading Rainbow for two decades without freaking out and killing many, many people. You have to give him props for that.

      1. Dude, he eats more Xanax before breakfast than I do in a whole month. You’d be calm too if you were floating in benzodiazepines.

        1. Good point. Well, at least there weren’t any pedophilia cases…

          1. …that we know about.

            1. What a fucked up thread.

            2. Where did Lamar touch you? Show me on the doll where Lamar touched you.

              1. Where did Lamar touch you? Show me on the book where Lamar touched you.


    2. Well, better that than Barney the Dinosaur.

      1. What’s wrong with Barney? He lead me to libertarianism.

        1. He led me to libertarianism.

          1. But, apparently, not literacy.

            1. Define “literacy.”

              1. I read you, you read me, …

    3. What? LeVar is the shit. That was totally my favorite show when I was a kid. He made reading and being accepting of diversity cool, dammit.

      The episode where they showed the model of the Enterprise and Worf’s makeup etc. was the coolest thing evar.

      1. Yes. We will not disparage the Reading Rainbow.

        Take a look. It’s in a book, motherfucker.

  6. Isn’t this where the Randians start a collection to send copies of Atlas Shrugged to all of the local PD’s?

    Nothing quells the trauma of violent crime like a good reading of a pseudo-rape scene.

    I’m just kidding, please don’t revoke my Objectivist membership.

    1. a pseudo-rape scene

      Get over it already.

    2. is there rape in Atlas shrugged? I just bought and need to know before my change to return expires

      1. No, just consensual rough sex.

    3. Isn’t Atlas Shrugged a stuffed animal?

  7. If they were handing out pocket versions of the Constitution, I might not object.

    1. Way to dredge up horrifying memories for the progressives!

  8. You know, I think LeVar is on the spice. He looks about the same as he did in Roots–maybe a little heavier.

    Before anyone says anything, he’s wearing contacts.

    1. “My name is a killing word.”

      1. Dude, don’t quote the movie when I’m citing the book. That’s offensive.

      2. M’aud Douche?

        1. M’aud? Are you proposing some sort of Bea Arthur sit-com/Dune mashup? While that’s been done with Sanford and Son, I’m dubious about working Dune into Maude.

      3. Holy shit, Art, how gauche can you be? My respect for you has dropped considerably. It’s now only about six miles above my respect for ProL.

        1. I’m reciting the Litany Against Episiarch.

          1. What do you know? It worked! I’ll have to send the Litany to SugarFree.

            1. Please do.

            2. Think again, ProL.

              1. I’ll just recite it again, dude.

                1. See? It’s a mighty litany.

        2. Because everyone here lets their self-image hang on pseudo-snarky faux respect professions from Epi, right?


          1. [raises hand sheepishly]

          2. Don’t fight it, prole-dude.

            1. “I’m so awkward!”

  9. “and then there were all these flashing lights and sirens and the police officer kept saying “Stop crying and read, dammit!”

    More likely, “Stop crying. I’m sure Mommy and Daddy will buy you a new dog.”

    1. Threadwinner!

  10. http://community.livejournal.c…..79612.html

    This was originally from the onion.

  11. Gee, I hope they’re testing all those books for lead before they hand potentially-poisonous literature out to young victims!

  12. This site is barely functional these days. What happened? Is it all the embedded videos, the new commenting protocol overwhelming the system? What?

    1. All my systems work fine at this page, linux and windows.

    2. I get flash overload with some of the ads, makes it extremely sluggish to scroll the page.

      Flash is an abomination that has dug it’s clumsy fingers into way too many pies.

      1. Use Firefox and install AdBlock Plus, and you can block all the ads including the flash ones.

  13. This is similar:

    Keeping the Homeless Healthy
    This pre-Thanksgiving story in the New York edition of Metro International has drawn a fair amount of attention:

    When a small church comes to the Bowery Mission bearing fried chicken with trans fat, unwittingly breaking the law, they’re told “thank you.” Then workers quietly chuck the food, mission director Tom Bastile said.”It’s always hard for us to do,” Basile said. “We know we have to do it.” . . .The city’s law banishing trans fat took effect in July 2008 and touched everyone with Health Department food licenses–including emergency food providers.…../index.xml

  14. Even the cops are scared of Big Nanny.

  15. I’ve met LeVar at a library/Reading Rainbow event. He was a bit of a prick.

    1. I bet it had something to do with you repeatedly saying, “Can you see me now?”

    2. Not to mention his repeatedly shouting out references of “dumping the reactor core” onto LeVar.

      1. And suggesting that John Amos was the superior Kunta Kinte.

    3. Actually, I think he heard me muttering about how in the fuck you can see using a banana clip.

      1. Hey, check this out (from the wiki on Roots):

        In December 1988, ABC aired a two-hour made-for-TV movie: Roots: The Gift. Based on characters from the book, it starred LeVar Burton as Kunta Kinte, Avery Brooks as Cletus Moyer, Kate Mulgrew as bounty hunter Hattie Carraway, and Tim Russ as house slave Marcellus (Coincidentally, all four actors have become prominent as leading actors in the Star Trek franchise).

        “Coincidentally?” I think not. Clearly some sort of Trekkian plot.

        1. Turok was not a leading actor in Voyager. In fact, no one in Voyager was.

          1. Jeri Ryan?

            1. Her leadership had nothing to do with acting. Myself, I’d take Gates McFadden over her any day, more than a handful being a waste and all.

            2. The Kingmaker?

          2. Tuvok, idiot. Know what you’re talking about before posting, k?

            1. No, it was Turok. I clearly remember a vicious raptor at the science station on Voyager.

        2. Coincidence? No. Trekkie Plot? No.

          They’re TV actors. They got hired for a made-for-TV movie, and later got jobs on TV shows.

          I suppose there’s some conspiracy for SciFi to reuse all the same actors on all their shows. Or maybe its just their contracts. And surprise, surprise, ABC worked with Paramount extensively from ’69-92. Seems like some actor crossover would be inevitable.

          1. I’ve met LeVar at a library/Reading Rainbow event.

            Like I said in another thread: charmed life, dude.

            Seems like some actor crossover would be inevitable.

            I’m surprised to learn that wylie’s part of the coverup.

          2. wylie,

            All the principals went on to Trek and you don’t bat an eye? Enabler.

    4. I’ve met LeVar at a library/Reading Rainbow event. He was a bit of a prick

      Levar Burton is hotter that your bitch ass:

  16. To bad nobody under eighteen ever reads these. While you adults fuck up the world and tell us we are the problem i have to prepare my mop for when you die. Assholes just talk and talk. Do somthing.

    1. Alice, I agree with the first part, but I don’t know that they should just “do something.” “They” are “doing things,” you know.

      IMO, the correct approach is “let the common man handle his own business and decide what is best for himself.” Or, in other words, “GTFO of the way.”

      1. I agree with that second part and partially the first. Government does not work, but to many people are sheep that refuse to stand up to thier oppressors.

  17. I lost all my respect for LeVar Burton

    You can’t do that. He’s in the video for “Word Up.”

    WORD the fuck UP, yo.

  18. Better than a dead dog.

  19. I’m all for handing out books to kids, but there’s a reason the cops’ first choice was teddy bears.

    Because nothing — NOTHING — says comfort quite like a stuffed replica of a godless killing machine?

    1. Why do you hate nature, prole?

      1. I like nature they way I like dogs. The former is good for chopping down into board-feet of lumber and selling at a profit. The latter are especially likeable in a lemon-butter sauce.

        1. WTF? Winnie the Pooh Bear never killed anybody, man.

            1. Piglet dubbed to Dennis Hopper’s reporter…noice. Real noice.

  20. If I were a cop I would break this law/regulation rule.

  21. Oh my god!!! The government is telling government employees what to do!!!

  22. Everything is a fucking crusade with some people and I’m sick of it. I have to believe that people obsessed with saving the world, the children, the Pandas and the whales are really trying to save themselves.

  23. Thats why I go back to that old bumper sticker: “Kill the gay, black whales and give them an abortion in the name of jesus.”

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