Internet

Tsar Maker

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Even during the Time of Troubles, Russia never had this many czars:

The nation's top military, intelligence and homeland security officials are recommending that President Obama establish a new White House cyber czar under the National Security Council with broad policy-setting authority for protecting both public- and private-sector computer networks, according to sources familiar with the discussions.

[Via Roderick Long.]

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  1. Does this mean I still have a chance at Corn Czar?

  2. Nope, but corn hole czar is open after the passing of George Carlin.

  3. The problem is with the word “czar” itself. Journalists love it. “Czar” is so short that it fits into headlines perfectly. Besides, whatever you’re supposed to be czar of, it’s almost always possible to make it funny. And, because no czar has ever solved the problem he was czar of, there will always be something to write about.

  4. I cant wait for the sex czar, to tell us how to best stick it in, and the goverment approved mandatory copulation postions

  5. Ok H&R patrons, who cares to venture forth a prediction of what the US government will look like in 2012 or 2016? How much worse/stupid do you think it will get?

  6. Kyle,

    We’ll have brain control chips in our heads by 2012. However, those will be removed when mind-control viruses are developed in 2016.

  7. Is that a long-overdue Led Zeppelin reference I spy?

  8. Warty, I think you may be on to something. “D’yer Ma’ker”, right?

    The lack of respect for Led Zeppelin around here is offensive.

  9. Given just how lethargically slow and incompetent gov’t agencies are on cybersecurity, putting the .gov in charge almost guarantees catastrophe.

  10. It’s an Olaf Stapeldon/Ray Davies reference, you barbarians.

  11. The varied options are now being put before Obama, who will make the final decision about the scope and authority of the new official’s role, according to the sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss an internal policy matter.

    Extrapolating on what I’ve learned about this administration, the scope envisioned will be overly broad and the desired authority will be all encompassing. Congress will agree.

    The Obama administration is making policy predictions too effin’ easy.

  12. Welcome to Czarist America.

  13. Jesse,

    Man, you couldn’t just let us have one friggin’ Led Zep reference, could you? No blink tags, objections to Trek threads, no Hammer of the Gods’ references–what has this blog come to?

  14. The gods hammer their own references?

  15. you’re a tsarfucker tsarfucker tsarfucker tsarfucker tsaaarr

  16. Alright, I am officially changing my name to “Sex Czar.”

    To be fair, you have to salute the government for waiting until 2009, a full 15 years after the rollout of Win95, before deciding to get into the network regulation business.

  17. Don’t mess with me, Warty; I’m still bitter about punk-ass, asshole, unqualified Kirk.

  18. Pro Libertate:

    If you’re going to request Led Zeppelin references, could you please specify *no* “Immigrant Song” references? That song is known LoneWacko bait.

    Personally, I’d like to put in a request for more “Billy The Mountain” references.

  19. ProL,

    You didn’t find his rakish good looks even a little endearing? Admittedly, the car-over-cliff scene was a bit much, but that wasn’t grown-up, cute Kirk’s fault, now was it?

  20. Man, you couldn’t just let us have one friggin’ Led Zep reference, could you? No blink tags, objections to Trek threads, no Hammer of the Gods’ references–what has this blog come to?

    Don’t blame the whole blog — it’s nobody’s fault but mine.

    (Happy now?)

  21. Look, I don’t know How Many More Times I can Quit your Coomunications Breakdowns. You Shook me Dazed. Your Time is Gonna Come When I Leave You.

    Over to Pro-Lib for the second album…

  22. Under normal bureaucratic conditions, the creation of all these overarching czars and czarinas would mean a total clusterfuck czar gridlock. But it’s too early for when the car czar starts fighting with the climate czar vs the war czar vs the finance czar vs cyborg czar vs the zombie czar. They’ll fuck everything up fast before the infighting cripples this administration.

    pray for mojo

  23. Pro Lib, Star Trek was good. Let it go.

  24. Jesse,

    That’s better. Hit & Run: I can’t quit you baby.

    Dagny T.,

    No, stop it.

  25. Czar is Russian for Caesar and is so entirely unfitting… wait, we are a Republic modeled on Rome are we not? And all those columns on the public buildings…… Egad we have become Rome!

  26. Is anyone outside the realm of government still using the term “cyber”?

    Anybody?

  27. Next up, a Grand Czar to oversee all the other czars. Let’s all libertarians stop using the word “czar” and start using “dictator.”

  28. ProL–You went and saw Star Trek? After I warned you?

    Dear god, man! I’m a commenter, not a doctor! I can’t put your wounded psyche back together!

  29. Is anyone outside the realm of government still using the term “cyber”?

    The good folks at Cyberdyne, for one.

    ProL,

    You’re too easy! Did you post a piqued rant of some sort? If so, link plz.

  30. Watch it? No. I read io9.

  31. Dagny T.,

    I think it was a diffuse rant. But people hereabouts seem to know my feelings.

  32. They’re practically rubbing one off over at io9 about the movie. I don’t get it.

    I seem to be the only hater out about the movie. I may have to take the kiddies to see it to make sure I wasn’t having an off night. But, I started thinking it was sucking at about the 15 minute mark.

    Dagny–ProL didn’t, but I did. More raving than piqued.

  33. They’re practically rubbing one off over at io9 about the movie. I don’t get it.

    Uhh…maybe ‘cuz they’re mostly chicks over there?

    The major failing of the new Star Trek is not ProL’s old fart complaints, but rather that it is a major sausage-fest with only Zoe Saldana to break up the huddle.

    Maybe that’s what you subconsciously disliked about it, JW. We all know how threatened you are by other men because of your incredibly tiny penis.

  34. Old age and wisdom always defeats youth and skill, Mr. Bay.

  35. Yes, but I have an absurdly over-sized scrotum that makes up for it.

  36. So that’s another thing you have in common with ProL.

  37. Episiarch,

    Let me guess, you fine Chris Pine all dreamy, just like Dagny? Egad.

    Besides, cadet promoted to captain of one of the most advanced and powerful starships in the fleet? How is this not insanely ridiculous? What’s next, Kirk is from the planet Zeist?

    By the way, someone at io9 did bitch about the prickness of Pine-Kirk. And was murdered by the commenters.

  38. Seriously epi, you *liked* it? I couldn’t get past how lame Nero’s motivation was. It was like watching a Stallone flick, Demolition Man excepted.

  39. “Next up, a Grand Czar to oversee all the other czars. Let’s all libertarians stop using the word “czar” and start using “dictator.””

    I’m partial to “Khans” myself.

  40. By the way, someone at io9 did bitch about the prickness of Pine-Kirk. And was murdered by the commenters.

    I thought about offering an opinion about it there, but then thought better of it. Sycophant-city.

    Prickness of Kirk? He was 100% douchebag.

  41. So, who is our Boris Godunov?
    Who are our False Dmitriis?

  42. Did you know the entire Dept. of Defense, and maybe the entire US Government no longer uses thumbdrives or any other type of portable memory other than CD/DVD’s? If they get to be in charge we will all suffer.

  43. Too many tsars, not enough bomb-throwing anarchists.

  44. I’m sorry, but the correct title for this entry was “Tsar Baby”.

  45. Personally, I’d like to put in a request for more “Billy The Mountain” references.

    Nah, that one sucked. I still have these damn flies all over my legs.

  46. Seriously epi, you *liked* it? I couldn’t get past how lame Nero’s motivation was. It was like watching a Stallone flick, Demolition Man excepted.

    It was perfectly enjoyable as an action flick. Yes, Nero’s motivation is stupid as hell, but so is William Sadler’s in Die Hard 2. Since I expected nothing, I enjoyed it.

    Face it, this is the new Star Trek direction. Fighting it just makes it hurt, Quaid.

    Let me guess, you fine Chris Pine all dreamy, just like Dagny? Egad.

    Super dreamy. Almost as dreamy as Simon Pegg.

    Besides, cadet promoted to captain of one of the most advanced and powerful starships in the fleet? How is this not insanely ridiculous? What’s next, Kirk is from the planet Zeist?

    It’s ridiculous, but the “Nero’s time travel fucked everything up” card can be pulled everywhere.

    I’m not going to waste energy getting worked up about it, basically. I need my energy for hating Michael Bay and Will Smith.

  47. I nominate myself to be the Shooting Tsar.

  48. Ok H&R patrons, who cares to venture forth a prediction of what the US government will look like in 2012 or 2016? How much worse/stupid do you think it will get?

    There’s a certain freedom that comes with complete helplessness and utter despair. Enjoy it, as it may be the only freedom you have left.

  49. “D’yer Ma’ker”, right?

    The lack of respect for Led Zeppelin around here is offensive.

    If you had any respect for Led Zeppelin you’d know it is D’yer Mak’er.

  50. Dazed and Confused,

    I had a communications breakdown while I was typing. I tend to ramble on late in the evening.

    Episiarch,

    I’m not going to waste energy getting worked up about it, basically. I need my energy for hating Michael Bay and Will Smith.

    Okay, I can accept that.

    * * *

    Will Smith will be in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He’ll be playing Khan, who becomes a wisecracking black man in the new timeline. Directed by Michael Bay, it’ll be a classic for the ages, with lots of space car chases.

  51. The annointing of new czars is getting out of hand. We need to determine which issues need the iron hand of a czar, and which could be properly managed by a Lord Commander or High Minister.

    Obviously, for decisions this complex, we need someone to take command. Someone to cut through all the red tape so that he can spend our money faster. Someone who conveys vague military fetishism….

    We need a Czaring Czar. And we need it now – unless you want your unnecessary agency to be run by someone with a job title that doesn’t subtly hint at despotism.

  52. Will Smith will be in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He’ll be playing Khan, who becomes a wisecracking black man in the new timeline. Directed by Michael Bay, it’ll be a classic for the ages, with lots of space car chases.

    You think you’re being funny, don’t you. Right now someone is working up a script treatment. Michael Bay is making phone calls. When this monstrosity is released, I will personally make you watch it a la Alex DeLarge.

    You will pay. Oh, yes, you will pay.

  53. When you wish upon a falling Tsar…

  54. And, because no czar has ever solved the problem he was czar of, there will always be something to write about.

    Clearly, more czars are needed. I suggest a Czar Czar. You know, someone needs to be on top of all this unregulated Czar activity.

  55. It was perfectly enjoyable as an action flick.

    See, that’s the thing. I thought that even the action sequences sucked. They were incoherent.

  56. juris imprudent,

    Strange that you should say that. Michael Bay and Will Smith are also partnering to remake A Clockwork Orange. This time, the movie will be set in Los Angeles, with Alex being a wisecracking gang leader–violent but with a heart of gold. He’s a big fan of classical hip hop, too.

  57. Kubrick sucks and I like Michael Bay’s movies. There. I said it. I admit wanting to enjoy a movie and eat buttered popcorn rather than stab myself in the temple.

  58. I admit wanting to enjoy a movie without having to choke myself on popcorn. Thus, I avoid Michael Bay movies.

    They have gotten worse, too. The Island shamelessly butchered the book and removed all semblance of a morally complex narrative, replacing all opportunities to debate bioengineering (or even form your own opinion about ANYTHING) with car chases. I don’t know about you, but if I ever came into contact with my undisclosed clone, bred to supply me organs, I would immediately vomit and then have at least a slight moral dilemma about what to do. Instead, we are treated to a BOAT CHASE. Oh joy, I don’t have to think!

    Transformers was basically a string of explosions and black people shouting “Motherf–” and “What the f–” and so on.

    Whatever there is to enjoy about a Michael Bay movie, it is completely covered in shit about 15 minutes in.

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