Stand-Up in the Place Where You Work

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Last night Bob Barr joined Gov. Mike Huckabee, al-Jazeera anchor Riz Khan, Politico video whiz James Kotecki, Americans for Tax Reform czar Grover Norquist, and an assorted team of journos in the 15th Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest.

Barr got up in the middle stretch of the program, after host Richard Siegel had sung a parody of "Casey Jones" ("Drivin' that train/High on McCain") and Kotecki had battle-rapped about newspapers and the presidential candidates. ("Sarah Palin has a bod we all want to hit/does that cover up the fact that she don't know shit?") "A number of the folks that were up here tonight went to great lengths to memorize their jokes," Barr said. He pulled his joke cards out of his pocket. "That's so Republican."

"It is good to be back in Washington, D.C.! The home of civil liberties and personal… no, wait. That's an old card."

"Me, John McCain and Barack Obama are sitting there in a debate."

"I'm sorry that David Shuster couldn't make it tonight. I won't say we're close, but the last time he interviewed me, he asked me to rub neosporin on the claw marks Joe Scarborough had left on his back."

"I like to record my phone calls—as a former congressman and a former CIA guy, you like to have a record of things. But the other night I accidentally erased the tape, and I had to call the White House to get a copy."

"As a Libertarian, I can really picture a world in which there's no war. But George W. Bush would probably invade that, too."

"Being a Libertarian isn't always easy. We like to say, 'let the free market take care of everything!' I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000."

"I know it just looks like I'm reading material. But I figured, hey, it worked for Sarah Palin. Why not for me, too?"

"What's the difference between a bull dog and a hockey mom? A bull dog gets vetted."

Barr slayed 'em, as the kids say, when he simulated a call from Barack Obama. "Yes, thank you, I'm fine. No, I don't need any more. Yes, I did get the Ludacris tape. It was very sizzle. Look, I'll tell you again, I promise to stay in the race until November." But he didn't win. He left early, telling CNN's Jamie McIntyre that "I went to the Palm Beach school of vote counting." Huckabee won, followed by Kotecki and Khan. Grover Norquist placed a too-low fourth place, even after joking that Karl Rove had taken him on a tour of Diebold's warehouse. "I took a peek at the voting machines. We won! But good job, Democrats. You made it look like a real contest."

NEXT: Jesse Ventura, Citizen of the World

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  1. wow that is amazing leadership…it looks as if Bob Barr will have that 7% of the vote after all. The people Barr hangs with are so respectable, make sure and let us know if you see any of the racist John Birchers trying to infilitrate his principled libertarian enclave.

  2. “As a Libertarian, I can really picture a world in which there’s no war. But George W. Bush would probably invade that, too.”

    “We have no choice. Terrorists have attacked us where we are most vulnerable. There’s no other option. We have to nuke…our imagination.”

  3. I don’t want to lighten up…I don’t see how some people who are theoretically libertarians would want to attack a movement that is tryign to attack what may be a cornerstone of the seemingly unstoppable forces of socialism and leviathan that we are all aware of. That cornerstone is to have more open debates…and to bring light to the CPD and the sham that is our two party system.

    It is perfectly reasonable to disagree and say the “CPD is legit”…”our debates are fair and Libertarians and peace-nik socialist should not be allowed in the debates” or “this is a poor strategy for advancing libertarian ideas”…but to come out and bring up more racist implications on Ron Paul or try and pretend Baob barr is more libertarian and legit than ron paul is ridiculous…the issue should be talked about…not ignored.

  4. No routine from Wayne Allyn Root? I’m sure he had some good clean wholesome racially-tinged Barack Obama-Black Panter humor he could’ve used.

    WAR!!!!

  5. Root would be the Andrew Dice Clay of the show. They even both share the three-name-guy thing.

  6. Grover Norquist placed a too-low fourth place, even after joking that Karl Rove had taken him on a tour of Diebold’s warehouse. “I took a peek at the voting machines. We won! But good job, Democrats. You made it look like a real contest.”

    Ha hah hahahhhaaaa…oh wait. Perhaps he lost becuase in the realm of politics, voter fraud is *extremely unfunny*.

    Huckabee, on the other hand, is fucking hilarious. He’s like Dole that way; sassy, and yet conservative. That’s why personally I was fucking terrified *he* was going to be tapped for VP by McCain. A guy that can make frying squirrels sound charming is a guy I don’t want anywhere near McCain’s campaign.

  7. LMNOP-
    At first that read that as “flying squirrels sound charming” and was about to say that I am one chamring motherfuckin’ squirrel.

  8. “Me, John McCain and Barack Obama are sitting there in a debate.”

    This one has kind of a Steven Wright sort of edge to it. Like, deadpan psychotic. Pretty funny, though.

  9. Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

  10. Hickory Dickory Dock.
    Obama can suck my cock.
    McCain can too
    I have plenty of goo
    Libertarian party rocks!

  11. Hat? I think you meant ass.

  12. How did we go from Bullwinkle to Escape From New York?

  13. Hey, at least the guy has a sense of humor, unlike most of the Libertarian Party.

  14. “Being a Libertarian isn’t always easy. We like to say, ‘let the free market take care of everything!’ I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000.”

    Dude, I dont get the joke. Honestly. Can someone explain?

    Lame Guesses:

    1. Under a free market system, the corporate robber barons who run jeopardy would be free to cheat & steal from contestants

    2. If we let the uninformed public “market” set answers to trivia questions, many answers would become counter-factual. (Reminiscent of SNL sketch w/ Tom Hanks)

    3. In a true free market system, only total trivia badasses would ever appear on jeopardy, since every below-average contestant would sell his ticket to appear to a superior player. Hence, the show would become 100X more difficult. Ergo, us average intellects would be forced to take enormous risks to win, eg buzzing in for a question s/he doesnt know and/or betting 10 grand on the daily doubles?

    4. With no boundaries to international commerce, Merv would let Trebec would move the show to Toronto and pay off in Canadian dollars, meaning American contestants might lose significant sums paying OOP travel expenses

    5 I am high right now

  15. Huckabee, on the other hand, is fucking hilarious. He’s like Dole that way; sassy, and yet conservative.

    I get the sense that’s how Chuck Norris wants to be, but his poor command of the English language prevents it. He was trying to say some not-retarded things on Larry King last night, but went Full Retard instead.

    *Realizes that Chuck Norris is the Large Hadron Collider and becomes very, very afraid.*

  16. What’s the difference between a hocky mom and a puck slut?

    One has 5 kids and the other is knocked up with her first.

  17. “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.”

  18. A chick from canada told me the “puck slut” term is what they really used in high school.

  19. a puck slut

    Senator Biden, the appropriate term is “puck bunny.”

  20. Gabe, is that all you want to do, is “talk about the issue”? Maybe refraining from your extremely humorless and epic FAIL posts would be a good way to start a dialogue.

    Sorry, but I already know where you’re coming from. you’re not looking to discuss; you’re looking for validation.

    They pay people to fulfill your fantasies. I ain’t one of them.

  21. Senator Biden, the appropriate term is “puck bunny.”

    Wacky Canadians. We call them “jock mattress”.

  22. Okie dokie… angry optimist…I guess that means you support the CPD and think attacking it and getting the debates opened up would not be good?

  23. BTW, on the subject of funny, these sodahead ads are like the “anti-funny”.

  24. We call them “jock mattress”.

    Really? That sounds kind of gross. Mine’s cuter.

  25. “epic FAIL posts”

    Please watch your language. This isn’t Fark. We are not (all) all-knowing teenagers and middle aged divorced-turned-gay unemployed graphic artists living in our mom’s basements.

    We are mostly fat drunk drug addicts living out our miserable lives bitching about how screwed up everone else is…

  26. speed keeps me skinny

  27. Really? That sounds kind of gross. Mine’s cuter.

    True, but it’s not like I invented the phrase, I am merely passing it on.

  28. True, but it’s not like I invented the phrase, I am merely passing it on.

    Then I shall let you live.

  29. It’s a good thing I’m not a prostitute.

  30. It’s a good thing I’m not a prostitute.

    Aw, it’s precious that you think that. Those are illusions that you turn.

  31. Oh, well. Maybe I should be getting a family discount…oh my god.

  32. Oh, I get it, Obama is black.

    Although it probably is too much to ask for a politician to have a real sense of humor.

  33. Speaking of screwing the family (kind of): no mention on Reason yet about the super-exciting upcoming Canadian election. There will be French guys mumbling! It’s a must-see.

  34. did you guys here that it’s the 7th anniversary of september 11th.

  35. Oh, I get it, Obama is black.

    And he doesn’t look like the other presidents on our money. Has a funny name too.

  36. There will be French guys mumbling!

    Yeah, but will it be stupider than ours? If it’s not full-out retarded, it just can’t compete.

  37. If it’s not full-out retarded, it just can’t compete.

    Well, we won’t even know who we can vote for in most ridings until Sept. 25th. With the election on Oct. 14th, that’s a lot of time for Canadians to get informed and make rational decisions. So, there’s Full Retard potential, at least.

    There’s also a Canadian Libertarian Party, with a pretty awesome website.

  38. “Being a Libertarian isn’t always easy. We like to say, ‘let the free market take care of everything!’ I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000.”

    Dude, I dont get the joke. Honestly. Can someone explain?

    It’s along the same lines as the old econ joke… A Chicago School econ professor and his student are walking down the street. The student says, “Hey! There’s ten dollar bill on the sidewalk!” The professor says, “No there isn’t. If there were, someone would have picked it up already.”

    Yes, the free market produces the best outcome for the most people. But competent first movers succeed more, and first movers who believe that because markets always succeed nothing is required of them end up failing.

  39. junior | September 11, 2008, 1:59pm | #
    did you guys here that it’s the 7th anniversary of september 11th.

    Really? There were only 6 September 11th’s before today? What came between September 10th and September 12th in 2000?

    Come to think of it, I do remember about seven years ago hearing someone toast their newly unobstructed view of lower Manhattan and some slovenly plebe crying into her muumuu for some reason, then I got distracted by losing a bunch of civil liberties all of a sudden; I wonder how those things could be related.

  40. that’s a lot of time for Canadians to get informed and make rational decisions. So, there’s Full Retard potential, at least

    I don’t know if I can handle two concurrently running Fully Retarded elections. Actually, I am probably visiting my sister in Tuscon right before the US election so that might be a welcome break just as it hits its peak.

  41. “Being a Libertarian isn’t always easy. We like to say, ‘let the free market take care of everything!’ I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000.”

    It’s an inside joke. It means big government is the answer to everything and everyone laughed because as a libertarian leader he has succesfully fought off attempts to get libertarians in the debates.

  42. Cosmotarian Overlord,

    No, I really think that the joke is that he pushes his button, expects the free market to answer the question for him, and finds that his time to answer expires, so he keeps going negative.

  43. The event sounds so cute and special, I’m sure that my fantasy of being able to pay homeless people to rush in and vomit all over the place would have been accepted in the spirit in which it was given.

    BTW: JamesKotecki is a complete hack who, for instance, never once came up with a real question for those he interviewed, including Huck. I’m sure he and Weigel get along great.

  44. I am probably visiting my sister in Tuscon right before the US election so that might be a welcome break

    Because no one in Tuscon cares about politics?!? You elitist, coastal bastard!

  45. But competent first movers succeed more…

    I’ve heard that competent second movers actually succeed more often than first movers – mainly because they can avoid the inevitable errors of the first movers.

  46. These people in small towns, they’re bitter, and so they cling to their lipsticks and their pigs.

  47. MikeP – I thought that the joke was “the free market is the answer to everything” so Barr, when asked a “question” would “answer” ‘free market’.

  48. “In times of crisis, strength in leadership requires boldness of character, clear direction and firm resolve. As we witnessed after the attacks of September 11th, President George W. Bush showed incredible leadership as he stood atop a fire truck amidst the rubble of the twin towers to rally America.”

    Barr campaign manager Russ Verney

  49. angry optimist,

    Oh I see so if he had just said “what is the free market?” …then he would have been at +$10000? I’m still confused

  50. ya he must have forgotten to put it in the form of a question…ok i see

  51. MikeP wrote:

    “No, I really think that the joke is that he pushes his button, expects the free market to answer the question for him, and finds that his time to answer expires, so he keeps going negative.”

    But, assuimng your premise (that he believed the free market would do everything for him –making it unnecessarry to answer the questions) wouldn’t he also necessarily expect the market to push the button for him? This strat. would yeild a score of 0, not -$10,000.

  52. Barr said “”Being a Libertarian isn’t always easy. We like to say, ‘let the free market take care of everything!’ I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000.”

    Angry Optimist,

    Are you saying the joke was SUPPOSED to employ the phrase “we believe the free market is the ANSWER to everything” at some point, but Barr botched it? Or was he misquoted?

  53. I think we are supposed to understand that the real answer should also inculde something about “what is real leadership?”…not just free market stuff and that barr understands leadership so well that he will fix the common problems of libertarianism..or he would have if ron paul had agreed to be his VP.

  54. Jesus, Gabe.

    Trebek: In ‘Artists’, for $600 – The painter of the cathedral ceiling in Milan died in 1641.

    Barr: What is the free market?

    Bzzt.

  55. I think that even most free market diehards believe that there is some sort of human action required. like pushing a button. Lighten up Francis.

  56. I agree. LOTS of people honestly think the specteral, disembodied voice of the free market will answer jeopardy questions for them. That’s no exageration. Totally rational.

    But to claim they’d think the invisible hand could push the buzzer? Impossible. Utterly implausible & unrealistic. Pure crazy talk.

    You free market zealots know the invisible hand is an abstract concept, right? Jeez.

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