Stand-Up in the Place Where You Work
Last night Bob Barr joined Gov. Mike Huckabee, al-Jazeera anchor Riz Khan, Politico video whiz James Kotecki, Americans for Tax Reform czar Grover Norquist, and an assorted team of journos in the 15th Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest.
Barr got up in the middle stretch of the program, after host Richard Siegel had sung a parody of "Casey Jones" ("Drivin' that train/High on McCain") and Kotecki had battle-rapped about newspapers and the presidential candidates. ("Sarah Palin has a bod we all want to hit/does that cover up the fact that she don't know shit?") "A number of the folks that were up here tonight went to great lengths to memorize their jokes," Barr said. He pulled his joke cards out of his pocket. "That's so Republican."
"It is good to be back in Washington, D.C.! The home of civil liberties and personal… no, wait. That's an old card."
"Me, John McCain and Barack Obama are sitting there in a debate."
"I'm sorry that David Shuster couldn't make it tonight. I won't say we're close, but the last time he interviewed me, he asked me to rub neosporin on the claw marks Joe Scarborough had left on his back."
"I like to record my phone calls—as a former congressman and a former CIA guy, you like to have a record of things. But the other night I accidentally erased the tape, and I had to call the White House to get a copy."
"As a Libertarian, I can really picture a world in which there's no war. But George W. Bush would probably invade that, too."
"Being a Libertarian isn't always easy. We like to say, 'let the free market take care of everything!' I went on Jeopardy. I wound up with -$10,000."
"I know it just looks like I'm reading material. But I figured, hey, it worked for Sarah Palin. Why not for me, too?"
"What's the difference between a bull dog and a hockey mom? A bull dog gets vetted."
Barr slayed 'em, as the kids say, when he simulated a call from Barack Obama. "Yes, thank you, I'm fine. No, I don't need any more. Yes, I did get the Ludacris tape. It was very sizzle. Look, I'll tell you again, I promise to stay in the race until November." But he didn't win. He left early, telling CNN's Jamie McIntyre that "I went to the Palm Beach school of vote counting." Huckabee won, followed by Kotecki and Khan. Grover Norquist placed a too-low fourth place, even after joking that Karl Rove had taken him on a tour of Diebold's warehouse. "I took a peek at the voting machines. We won! But good job, Democrats. You made it look like a real contest."