Walmart

The Best Musical Since A Chorus Line?

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If Shawn Macomber can be trusted, it's Walmartopia.

Walmartopia begins with Vicki Latrell, a present day single mom, working at Wal-Mart with her sassy teenage daughter, waiting on that ever-elusive promotion. Whether Vicki fails to climb the management ladder as a result of Wal-Mart's patriarchal power structure, or because whenever her manager leaves the sales floor she stops working to belt out songs Aretha Franklin-style while her chronically tardy teenage daughter idly complains their boss is a "creepy Christian crypto-fascist," isn't clear.

Yes, yes, it sounds like Marc Blitzstein was cryogenically frozen and forced to write a "contemporary" play by blinking his eyelids. Read on.

Alas, the gang that couldn't sweep straight stumbles into a presentation by an evil scientist who has found a hole in the time-space continuum allowing Wal-Mart execs to see future consumer trends. Sam Walton's reanimated, discombobulated head—don't ask—orders the Latrells thrown into the time warp.

The Latrells land in a neon future dystopia that makes Blade Runner and THX 1138 look like The Adventures of Milo and Otis. The aforementioned mindless automaton population marches in lockstep singing refrains such as "We were born to consume/from the cradle to the tomb." Wal-Art puts on pro-consumer productions like The Phantom of the Mart School-Mart teaches kids to "shop, stock and mop." Walton's head, not Rupert Murdoch, provides the daily propaganda now, while Security-Mart runs the police state and Prison-Mart. Given the milieu, it's a safe bet to say Social Security has also been privatized.

Buy your tickets here. Only nine days left!

NEXT: Another Asset Forfeiture Outrage

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  1. If they’re going to make a political musical, can’t they be a little more subtle–you know, use allegory or something–rather than hitting people over the head with the message?

  2. You know, the nice thing about this musical is that if* it fails on stage then the producers can claim some kabbalistic propaganda engine was behind the low audience turn out.

    If on the other hand they actually get a decent turnout, it won’t be due to the hard work and due diligence of the playwright an producer, but instead a resounding affirmation of the anti-consumerist viewpoint.

    *Hehe, you like what I did there? Like it has a chance in hell.

  3. Musicals suck.

    Nothing more needs to be said.

  4. Musicals suck.

    Nothing more needs to be said.

    Funny Girl. West Side Story, Applause, Damn Yankees, Little Shop Of Horrors, The Little Mermaid (Disney), …

    No further rebuttal is required.

  5. West Side Story?

    You know what that is J sub D? It is nothing but “The Warriors” for gay men. No thank you.

  6. I’ve always wanted to combat this sort of thing by writing a musical adaptation of Zamyatin’s We.

  7. It’s all been downhill since Rodgers and Hammerstein.

  8. Oh, and:

    No further rebuttal is required.

    How about just one more: Sweeney Todd.

  9. I used to wonder why progressives hated Wal-Mart so much. It’s an obsession with them. Say the word “Wal-Mart” and they launch into hour long diatribes on the evils of consumerism. Yet they themselves consume, oftentimes at a much higher rate and at stores paying much lower wages. So what makes them go batshit over Wal-Mart? What makes them write stupid musicals like this?

    The hip and trendy boutiques the progessives frequent charge more (a lot more), pay less, and don’t offer health insurance. So why are they praised over Wal-Mart in every other newspaper op-ed?

    I finally figured it out. It is cultural. It’s simply because of who shops there. Poor people shop there. Hispanics and blacks shop there. People who don’t have college degrees shop there. People who live in trailers and apartment complexes shop there. People in small towns shop there. To the affluent urban progressive with an advanced degree in gender studies, that’s an outrage! That other people prefer different consumer choices than they themselves would make is intolerable. The government must do something about it!

  10. You got it, Brandybuck.

    Thats what makes liberals complain about how the inner city poor don’t have access to real grocery stores on one hand, then push zoning laws outlawing big box stores in urban areas–which would be a great way for the inner city poor to get fresh fruits and vegetables–on the other.

  11. You know what that is J sub D? It is nothing but “The Warriors” for gay men. No thank you.

    I feel happy! I feel happy! Oh, so happy, so happy, and gaaaaay!

  12. I feel happy! I feel happy! Oh, so happy, so happy, and gaaaaay!

    Sung by a gorgeous Puerto Rican babe. Therefore it’s HOT!!!

  13. …an evil scientist who has found a hole in the time-space continuum allowing Wal-Mart execs to see future consumer trends

    Thats funny. Thats pretty close to my job description.

    You dont need a time hole to know that

    a) people will be older on average
    b) gas will be more expensive, people will shorten distances traveled for shopping
    c) more people will be speaking spanish
    d) household sizes will be smaller
    e) Wal Mart will be offering much more Healthcare and Financial Services
    f) the Chinese will PWN us!

    har. Last one i made up. Who knows…

    I fucking hate progressives and their whole “commerce is the root of all evil!” idiocy. Seriously. They all either slept through economics 101, or just misunderstood everything they even tried to pay attention to. Their whole political position is based exclusively on narcissistic self reflection on what they think it means to be a “good, moral” person. According to their fucked up logic, good people eat organic dirt from their own backyard, make wheatgrass juice to drive their electric scooter, use their savings to pay reparations for the trail of tears, and moan about how BAAAAAD the Capitalists have made the world, and wouldnt it be awesome if we were all like Bantu tribesman only like vegan and didnt mutilate woman’s genitals, although, hey, you know it’s like culturally relative.

    Ok, maybe thats a bit much. But not far from the essence of it.

    By contrast, we’re “capitalist fascists” for understanding that low prices are actually a benefit. At least thats how much they misunderstand libertarian thinking.

    The thing that kills me the most about them is that nearly every suggested ‘solution’ they have to their false dystopian view of the world actually would do more to make things FAR WORSE according to their own measure of good-bad. The law of unintended consequences doesnt even apply with them = everything they want to do actually works directly against their own stated ‘goals’.

    “more democracy”!! they scream, while asking the government to control everything from GMOs to making sure news is “fair” (i.e. must have 50/50 POV for ‘balance’)

    God they drive me up the wall

  14. oh yeah, and Musicals Fucking Suck to boot

    mediageek nailed it up top

  15. J sub D — Re: Gilmore’s 4:08 post — you were worried about Edward ranting?

    Disclaimer — I hate the WalMartSuxLOLCATZ111! people too.

  16. Cesar | December 21, 2007, 3:30pm | #

    If they’re going to make a political musical, can’t they be a little more subtle–you know, use allegory or something–rather than hitting people over the head with the message?

    Why start now? How many subtle musicals (aside from Wizard of Oz! =AWESOME) can you name?

    Best parody of musical theatre ever =

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piChUkmYjVI


    Everyone has AIDS!
    My grandma and my dog ‘ol blue (AIDS AIDS AIDS)
    The pope has got it and so do you (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
    C’mon everybody we got quilting to do (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
    We gotta break down these baricades, everyone has
    AIDS! x 20

  17. It is nothing but “The Warriors” for gay men. No thank you.

    It is “Romeo and Juliet” for gay men … or for people that Shakespeare would be better with a bit of minor editing. Oh, and Puerto Ricans.

  18. that think Shakespeare

  19. The south park movie was an amazing musical. Tommy was sweet too. Those are the only ones i ever liked though.

  20. I grew up around small town America and many members of my family worked for those “mainstreet mom and pop” establishments progressives are always whining about. There are few cheaper more exploitive employers on earth than your tyical family business. What a joke.

  21. “It is nothing but “The Warriors” for gay men. No thank you.

    It is “Romeo and Juliet” for gay men … or for people that Shakespeare would be better with a bit of minor editing. Oh, and Puerto Ricans.”

    I know it is Romeo and Julliet. But it is also the Warriors, only instead of beating each other with ball bats, the protagonists sing and dance away their differences. If that is not a musical for gay men, I don’t know what is.

  22. I used to wonder why progressives hated Wal-Mart so much.

    I hate the local Wal-Mart because their products are usually cheap and crappy, their aisles of products usually look like a tornado has blown through the place, it’s almost impossible to get good assistance from an associate, and its so fucking crowded that I spend half my time in there maneuvering around people in the aisles. I also don’t like store chains that refuse to carry certain products because of their moral stance.

    Those seem like pretty reasonable beefs, no?
    No it must just be hate of consumerism and elitism!!!

    Although I must admit, I was in one in the Lehigh valley in PA, and I was looking for a package of socks. I asked this elderly associate and she not only walked me to them, the stayed with me until I found exactly what I was looking for.

  23. There are few cheaper more exploitive employers on earth than your tyical family business.

    True dat. People will squeeze their staff for a few nickels a lot harder when those nickels go to their family than to stockholders.

  24. If that is not a musical for gay men

    Isn’t that redundant?!

    Ha Ha. Just kidding. I actually like quite a fe w musicals. Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables are among my favorites.

  25. I honestly don’t know why Wal-Mart has such a reputation for cheap, crappy products. I’ve been more than satisfied with every store-brand product of theirs I’ve tried, and sometimes even pleasantly surprised. Their imitation Diet Dr. Pepper, for example, tastes just like the real thing.

    Granted, some of what they sell is cheap and crappy, but that’s true of every grocery or department store I’ve ever been in, and I don’t see any reason to think Wal-Mart is any worse than average on this count.

  26. The south park movie was an amazing musical. Tommy was sweet too. Those are the only ones i ever liked though.

    Or the number the New England Patriots did on Family Guy a few seasons back. When the Pats sweep 16-0, and then have a conference champ and another Superbowl to their credit, I’ll be pointing and saying, ‘Hey Tom Brady. You did a MUSICAL. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!. You can’t live that shit down.’

  27. ChicagoTom | December 21, 2007, 4:40pm | #

    Ha Ha. Just kidding. I actually like quite a fe w musicals.

    …& Gladiator movies?

    How about antiques roadshow? Barbara Streisand? Top Gun? Lets go get sushi then go ice skating !

    he he he.

  28. In a lot of areas Wal*Mart has a nice variety of items from cheap and crappy to relatively inexpensive and not crappy at all, to even expensive and worth the price. I got my Sanyo 37″ 720p HDTV from walmart.com, shipped to store, and got a great deal on a pretty decent tv. Want a Magnavox 47″ 1080p LCD TV? Amazon has it for $1699.99. Wal*Mart has it for $1298.00.

    Best thing I ever bought at Wal*Mart, and could find nowhere else, was linseed oil. I’ll always love Wal*Mart for stocking that.

  29. My favorite musical: Oh Calcutta!

    (Actually, more one long series of dirty jokes, but it will do.)

  30. …& Gladiator movies?

    Does “Troy” Count?

    How about antiques roadshow? Barbara Streisand? Top Gun? Lets go get sushi then go ice skating !

    Top Gun?!?! Really? I didn’t know that.

  31. If that is not a musical for gay men, I don’t know what is.

    probably “gay men: the musical”

    if i had to guess.

    also women like musicals too, and straight guys no less. i think they’re all fucking nuts, along with the nascar freaks and people who say “my team…” when talking about a team they don’t play for.

  32. John-David,

    What do you use linseed oil for?

  33. How about antiques roadshow? Barbara Streisand? Top Gun? Lets go get sushi then go ice skating !

    I like Barbra Streisand as a singer. She’s fucking great. I had a preteen crush on her. Her politics suck, she still has awesome pipes.
    Top Gun sucked.
    Sushi’s OK.
    Tell Bob Probert that ice skating is gay. I dare you.

  34. also women like musicals too, and straight guys no less. i think they’re all fucking nuts, along with the nascar freaks and people who say “my team…” when talking about a team they don’t play for.

    I view everybody that likes lame stuff that bores or irritates me as “fucking nuts” too.
    That probably incvludes you, dhex. 😉

  35. Meh, tickets are too expensive right now. I’m going to wait for them to go on sale at Wal-Mart.

  36. What do you use linseed oil for?

    Are you the one that’s been rubbing it into the school cormorant?

  37. If liking Jesus Christ Superstar is nuts, I don’t wanna be sane.

  38. ChicagoTom | December 21, 2007, 4:38pm | #
    I hate the local Wal-Mart because their products are usually cheap and crappy, their aisles of products usually look like a tornado has blown through the place, it’s almost impossible to get good assistance from an associate, and its so fucking crowded that I spend half my time in there maneuvering around people in the aisles. I also don’t like store chains that refuse to carry certain products because of their moral stance.

    Those are indeed 100% legitimate beefs with WalMart. In a free-market society your recourse is the same as mine, don’t friggin’ shop there. I am aware of the price premium I pay for not shopping at WalMart but I am willing to take that hit for all of the reasons you stated.

    Sadly, they have the best “domestic” selection of any store in town so when I absolutely need that piece of cheap plastic crap, they still get my dollar but no more often than absolutely necessary.

  39. Randolph Carter | December 21, 2007, 5:36pm | #
    If liking Jesus Christ Superstar is nuts, I don’t wanna be sane.

    Looney…

  40. The Wall

    is that a musical

  41. Actually, it is a known fact that Randolph Carter is clinically insane, what with all of the incoherent ramblings about Great Old Ones and all that.

  42. I honestly don’t know why Wal-Mart has such a reputation for cheap, crappy products.

    Because they do? And because their cheap, crappy cramdown standards (forcing suppliers to cut costs year over year) mean that the manufacturers retool their factories and supply chains and end up selling garbage to all retailers, instead of just CrapMart?

    I used to be able to buy underwear that would last a couple of years. Now the same brands have a tendency to self destruct the first time they’re worn, because the cotton is about 1/3 the thickness, thread snaps if you look at it, and the elastic is sh*t. Completely unsurprisingly, this happened over the two or so years after CrapMart became their largest distributor. My choices are now to pay three times as much for a different brand and hope it’s better, or four times as much to keep replacing the stuff that falls apart.

    And I don’t hate them half as much as my parents, who grew up in a time when they expected stuff to last decades instead of the couple of years I expect.

  43. I used to wonder why progressives hated Wal-Mart so much.

    When you’re the largest non-unionized employer in the country, you’re just not going to feel the love from the progressive crowd.

  44. When you’re the largest non-unionized employer in the country, you’re just not going to feel the love from the progressive crowd.

    Funny how the “progressives” don’t apply that logic when it comes to Whole Foods, isn’t it?

  45. Is this what’s known as “That’s Not Funny Libertarianism?”

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