United Kingdom

He Should Have Hung the 'Please Don't Charge Into My Room and Have Me Arrested on a Ridiculous Sex Charge' Sign

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The Telegraph reports that a Scottish man has to register as a sex offender after being caught trying to ride his bicycle at a hotel in Aur:

[A prosecutor] said: "They [two members of the cleaning staff] knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Although the incident occurred a year ago, the man pleaded guilty to "sexual breach of the peace" last week. "How do you have sex with a bicycle?" wonders the Telegraph's Bryony Gordon, and so do I. More than that, though, I wonder why it's the government's business what a man does with a bike in the privacy of his hotel room. I mean, as long as it's not a children's bike. 

[Thanks to ChicagoTom for the tip.]

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  1. Obviously this means that if someone breaks in on you jerking off with your bicycle, you should kill all the witnesses.

  2. What would have been the charge if he’d been having sex with a (consenting)human? If not the same “sexual breach of the peace”* then this is bullshit.

    *just what is this anyway?? I guess banging a headboard loud enough to wake the neighbors might count.

  3. Ten speeds work the best.

  4. I think the justification for this charge might be the same as the ban on buggery, in that machines cannot legally give consent. Since there should always be a presumption of declination in matters sexual.

    Still, this case is nothing for the authorities to get all Huffy about.

  5. What if you’re just moving your ass around on the banana seat? Do the sodomy laws come into play?

  6. As Austin Powers would say:
    “Schwinn!”

  7. Err … Wayne. Yeah, Wayne’s World.
    Yep. Schwing. Wayne’s World.
    I’m going to go blow my load on my Specialized Hard Rock now.

  8. She said she was an eighteen speed, officer!

  9. To update an old feminist slogan:

    “A woman needs a man like a fish man needs a bicycle.”

  10. So what can you hold while jerking off and not break a law?

  11. Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my Bicycle…

    All those years and I thought Freddy just liked tooling ’round the neighborhood.

  12. And Europeans say Americans are stupid and sexually repressed?

  13. Wow, they even publish his picture along the article to further the embarrassment.

    I suspect most people read this is as “What a freak!”, not as the government getting involved in idiotic matters.

  14. “How do you have sex with a bicycle?”

    Carefully. And reverently.

  15. Seriously, as a hotel maid, wouldn’t you think that catching folks flagrante delicto is part of the job description? And the poor slob is prosecuted? I’m afraid the mother country is just losing it. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching my parents go senile.

  16. He fell off his bisexual.

  17. “How do you have sex with a bicycle?”

    I don’t know. But I hope it doesn’t require having your junk hanging near the sprocket and chain.

  18. Not that I’m whining about who posts what on Hit and Run or anything, but this runs while the thing I e-mailed, comparing the Maori Party in New Zealand to the Libertarian Party in the US, doesn’t make the cut?

    All reading this crappy post, give me an Amen.
    And, if you want to see what COULD have graced these cyber pages, just e-mail me at the e-mail address I put up every time I post.
    By the way, want tomorrow’s news today? Just tune in to NZ.

  19. David E. Gallaher, Art thou a Kiwi? I’ve visited Nelson, Auckland and Wellington when I was in the navy. Beautiful country, beautiful people. I’d like to get back sometime.

  20. Rubba dub Dubba,
    Thanks for axing, but the Little Woman and I just hide out deep in Sinincincinnati.
    You were in the Navy and saw the world. I was a jarhead, and hi-diddle-diddled in VN.
    I tried to arrange a rendezvous with the LW in Australia for R&R from VN, but she opted for Hawaii. Bleh.

  21. David E. Gallaher, I’ve had the same experiences since Tim Cavanaugh left, wondering whether I’m emailing my suggestions to the wrong subdivision of reason, perhaps tech support. It’s also happened that another source gets credited with an item I had sent earlier.

    Not that I care, of course. No, not at all. Not at all. Oh no.

  22. I tried to arrange a rendezvous with the LW in Australia for R&R from VN, but she opted for Hawaii. Bleh.

    She made a real bad call. Don’t hold it against her, most U.S. women would have done the same. I think it’s those damned Elvis movies.

  23. M,
    Let’s picket!
    That’s what the Kroger union was doing on Fountain Square as I was walking home from work tonite.
    You got Kroger where you live?
    Fuck ’em.
    Shop at WalMart and Biggs. (Biggs is a foreign grocery store company, but, for some reason, is only in Sinincinnati, in the US.)

  24. Rubba sub Dubba,
    I can’t hold it against her any more until after I’ve had a Viagra, plus some KY jally.
    Hubba sub Hubba!

  25. The article said he had been arrested for having sex with pavements. How is THAT possible (or, for that matter, comfortable)???

  26. There must be something cosmic about a thread that draws Ruthless back to the fold. Didn’t think it would be boinking a bike.

  27. Five hours and nobody has made a tandem or tricycle joke. You disappoint me.

    I really hope the bike had a horn he could toot.

    Sixstring: The poster inside Queen’s Jazz album did feature dozens of hot naked chicks on bikes. There could be a connection.

  28. Well, I love my bicycles, quite a bit actually. However, I don’t think I could love them in that fashion…

  29. Five hours and nobody has made a tandem or tricycle joke. You disappoint me.

    This story goes a long way toward explaining the song “Daisy Bell,” dontcha think?

    There is a flower within my heart
    Daisy, Daisy
    Planted one day by a glancing dart
    Planted by Daisy Bell

    Whether she loves me or loves me not
    Sometimes it’s hard to tell
    Yet I am longing to share the lot
    Of beautiful Daisy Bell

    Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do
    I’m half crazy all for the love of you
    It won’t be a stylish marriage
    I can’t afford a carriage
    But you’ll look sweet upon the seat
    Of a bicycle built for two

    We will go ‘tandem’ as man and wife
    Daisy, Daisy
    Ped’ling away down the road of life
    I and my Daisy Bell

    When the road’s dark, we can both despise
    Policemen and lamps as well
    There are bright lights in the dazzling eyes
    Of beautiful Daisy Bell

    I will stand by you in “wheel” or woe
    Daisy, Daisy
    You’ll be the bell(e) which I’ll ring you know
    Sweet little Daisy Bell

    You’ll take the lead in each trip we take
    Then if I don’t do well
    I will permit you to use the brake
    My beautiful Daisy Bell.

  30. Well he was Scottish after all. That alone should be enough to take him into custody and make him register as a sex offender.

  31. My first thought when I read this was:

    Doesn’t this, in essence, criminalize masturbation with sex toys?? All sex toys are inanimate objects. What is the distinction between a bicycle or a butt-plug or a dildo ?

    This whole case was ridiculous.

    And I want to know the name of the Hotel, because I wouldn’t want to stay in any hotel that calls the cops on guests who are jerking off in the rooms they paid for with doors locked.

  32. ChicagoTom, the name of the hotel is in the article.

    I think I have pretty much concluded that the prudery issue is largely a small town/city vs. big city issue. It really doesn’t much matter what country you’re in.

    I mean, compare the morals of those degenerate heathens in NYC to to the virtuous ways of those upright citizens of small town America. 🙂

  33. And by small towns/cities I mean under about 50000 pop. Ayr has around 42000.

    And by big cities, I mean over about 500,000.

    In the middle ground betwen the two things are not as predictable.

    But I would suggest that people in cities over about 500000 are likely to be more sexually permissive than those in small towns. And this holds true almost anywhere.

    I think one of the reasons we perceive of Europeans as more sexually permissive is that we generally only hear about big cities.

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