Terrorism

Skittles of Death

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Dover, N.J. Alderman Frank Poolas is boldly defending the Atlantic Seaboard from Al-Qaeda's latest ingenius mechanism for terror: unlicensed gumball machines.

Death and mayhem, nickel by nickel.

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  1. Oh well. It was only a matter of time before they were banned like cigarette machines anyway.

  2. I wonder how much gumball machine licenses cost and where the revenue goes.

  3. Sounds like the title of a Slayer album.

  4. This would be soooooo funny if it wasn’t true.

  5. Or a band name.

    Dibs!!!

  6. “Our main concern was health. Period,” Mr. Poolas said

    Bullshit. It’s about revenue.

  7. Whew! Is that all? That’s good. Usually Radley’s articles make me want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head in fear. I can deal with this one.

    It’s a shame the guy backed off the terrorism angle — I’d like to know how he envisions gumball machines can be used for “nefarious purposes.”

  8. Dover, N.J. Alderman Frank Poolas

    Alderman? I thought he died in a freak accident while replacing the AE-35 unit. Oh wait… nevermind

  9. Mr. Poolas, who owns a tavern called At the Hop, said he has an M & M machine in his restaurant, but it is free, and so he has not had to license it.

    Well, that’s a relief. The terrorists can only get you if you have a quarter to put into the machine.

    I sure didn’t know they actually run TSA Background Checks on applicants for a gumball license.

  10. “Anything is possible,” [Mr. Doran] said, adding that he had started to feed his Siamese cats fresh food because of poisoning fears.

    Way to conflate a known, proven risk of poisoning your cats with idle speculation about gumballs!

  11. “I’d like to know how he envisions gumball machines can be used for “nefarious purposes.”

    Easy. The Gumballs are actually colorfully painted ball bearings. Then pack the center of the globe with the explosive of your choice. . .not that I sit around thinking up stuff like that.

  12. As we all know, it’s absolutely impossible to poison licensed candy machines.

  13. In a similar vein, I might also add that 9/11 would have never happened if the airline industry was licensed and regulated.

  14. Then pack the center of the globe with the explosive of your choice. . .not that I sit around thinking up stuff like that.

    Hmmm. [note to self, keep an eye on this guy.]

  15. Let’s not tell this guy about the mechanical horse down at Walmart.

  16. Warren,

    If you haven’t, you really should read 3001:the Final Odyssey.

  17. I get first refusal on the licensing fees for the 75 cent machines in the men’s room, intended solely for one’s pleasure (or not). And my girl is not a screamer, at least not yet. Wait’ll she sees the money roll in.

  18. Is there a course to qualify as a Gumball Dispenser Inspector I can enroll on? Or do I have to get elected to the position?

  19. As we all know, it’s absolutely impossible to poison licensed candy machines

    Excellent point, Chris. Clearly we need a series of public enquiries into the licensing criteria and the operational practices of those assessing these dangerous machines.

    Studies on the potential risks these purveyors of death should be funded immediately.

    Constitutionally, should gumball machines be a state or federal matter?

  20. I just realized that there is a fountain near my wife’s work and NOBODY IS GUARDING IT TO MAKE SURE THAT TERRORISTS DON’T DUMP POISON IN IT!

    Even worse, near my apartment there’s a freeway overpass that ANYBODY COULD WALK UNDERNEATH AND PLANT A BOMB!

    And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Did you realize that you can just walk into the restaurants in the mall near my apartment and NOBODY EVEN BOTHERS TO CHECK YOUR BAG???

    What will we do in this free and open society with all sorts of things JUST SITTING THERE VULNERABLE!?!?!?!?

    I may need to go to the grocery store across the street and buy some adult diapers. But, OMG, WHAT IF A TERRORIST HAS PUT POISON IN THE DIAPERS?

  21. Don’t give the WOT idiots ideas. Next thing we know they will be checking bags and posting armed guards around overpasses and fountains.

  22. I guess the licensing process on a gumball machine is more in depth than I had thought. I always thought it was sort of simple, you paid a tax and they give you a sticker to place on the machine. However, this would not protect anyone’s health and it wouldn’t protect anyone from terrorism. I must be missing an important step in the process that Poolas thinks will protect the public. Either that or he is a dumb ass.

  23. wayaway…you haven’t been paying attention. Thanks to the commerce clause *EVERYTHING* is now a federal matter.

    I assume the 10th amendment will be rewritten to reflect this, something along the lines of “We’re the Feds, so up yours”. Probably be a bit more vague and not as concise, but the main point will be there.

  24. Thoreau-

    Don’t forget that the terrorists might very well use LED- or LiteBrite-Based devices to hide an IED in plain sight.

  25. I just realized that there is a fountain near my wife’s work and NOBODY IS GUARDING IT TO MAKE SURE THAT TERRORISTS DON’T DUMP POISON IN IT!

  26. mediageek-

    OMG! Even worse, they could put up a Lite Brite with no bomb in it to act as a DISTRACTION WHILE THE REAL BOMB GOES OFF ELSEWHERE!!!!!!!!!

    OH SHIT!!!! WE’RE SCREWED!!! I NEED TO VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH!!!

  27. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/13/AR2007101301071.html

    This link has absolutely nothing to do, at all, with this story, but I am posting it anyway. Why? Because for weeks, this website posted the same old tired bullshit about how people that claimed Iraq was improving were liars peddling vile propaganda. However, given the nature of this site, I expect to see no blog entries at all making corrections. Therefore I will be posting this link in every blog entries comments section. Time to eat crow, assholes.

  28. Derrick | October 12, 2007, 4:53pm | #
    Sounds like the title of a Slayer album.

    Slayer as fresh as always
    Los Angeles

    With the release of Slayer’s new album, entitled “Unlicensed Gumball Machines” the band is sending a message. The bands lead singer, whose name I didn’t bother to research, or even ask, had this to say, “Well, fuck it. We’ve been phoning it in for years, so why pretend to have an edge anymore? I mean, when I saw Misfits advertising their ’30th Anniversary Tour’, I knew that nobody would give a shit what we named our new album. But at least we were never Skid Row. Fucking wankers.”

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