But Kip Hawley Is an Idiot!

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This may rise to the level of offensiveness as farting at the mention of the Polish president, but reader lunchstealer sends along word of the latest petty annoyance from the Transportation Security Agency:

A Wisconsin man who wrote "Kip Hawley is an Idiot" on a plastic bag containing toiletries said he was detained at an airport security checkpoint for about 25 minutes before authorities concluded the statement was not a threat.

For those not in the know, Kip Hawley is the head of TSA. The detainee was one Ryan Bird, 31, a vice president at some sort of heavy equipment company, who has become increasingly annoyed at what he sees as official capriciousness when it comes to travel restrictions.

More here.

NEXT: Foley Exonerated!

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  1. Plainly, the truth is no defense. In fact, it may be evidence of guilt.

  2. I did a post about this story last Thursday, for the sole purpose of starting an essay with the following sentence: “One night last summer I trimmed my hangnails in a hotel room 2,000 miles from my home, an act of anti-government rebellion that could?ve put my name on a terrorist watch list if anybody in the TSA knew that I?d smuggled a set of nail clippers in the single carry-on bag I bring along on business trips.”

  3. Fear the wrath of my cuticle trimmer.

    Fear it, you bastards.

  4. I bet if TSA elementary school dropouts were smarter, they could have charged him with divulging state secrets, or somesuch…

  5. I have to fly this weekend, and I am super-tempted to take a magic marker and write “THIS BAG KEEPS ME SAFE” on the clear plastic bag containing my shampoo, conditioner and soap (no more than 3 ounces of each, because if I carry more the plane might go ‘boom’ and break into teensy-weensy little pieces.) I won’t do this, of course, because I need to make my flight, but I am very tempted.

    We really need to outlaw those old watches with glow-in-the-dark numbers on the dial. What if a terrorist goes to the bathroom and scrapes the radium paint off and uses it to make a nuclear bomb and it explodes in mid-air and the resulting EMP knocks out the electrical grid of the continental United States like in that crappy old show Dark Angel? Boy, would that suck.

  6. The more people we arbitrarily hand power to, the more often we’ll be arbitrarily treated.

  7. …like in that crappy old show Dark Angel?

    Agreed, that show was crappy. I saw a rerun on the Sci-Fi channel the other day and it’s crappyness hit me in the face like a sockful of quarters. But at least it gave us Jessica Alba whose drop-dead gorgeousness hits me in the…well never mind.

  8. Which is why Jessica Alba also needs to be banned from planes. What if she broke into the cockpit and hit a pilot in the well never mind? The pilot would lose control of the plane and people would die, that’s what. But the idiots in the TSA haven’t considered that possibility, because they’re too busy hyperventilating over “THREE ounces of shampoo is okay, but FOUR ounces of shampoo is a threat to the goddamned republic.”

  9. Seriously though, this is why I don’t fly. Ever. The last straw was two years ago, flying home for the holidays when I had to unwrap each and every one of my Christmas presents before I could get on the plane. You’d think that putting them through the X-ray machine would be enough.

    The TSA guy even asked me why I didn’t just check the packages. My reply: “Because I don’t need the aggravation of having to buy new gifts 1500 miles from home when the ones I already got were destroyed by some ape of a cargo loader who threw them into the belly of the plane like a fucking sack of potatoes.”

    Well, actually, what I said was “Sorry Sir. It wont happen again.” because I, too had to catch my flight.

  10. “THIS BAG KEEPS ME SAFE”

    I was thinking of using Sarah Silverman’s spin and writing “Kip Hawley is a genius” on a bag to see what happens.

  11. Seriously though, this is why I don’t fly.

    That was my plan too, but there’s been a death in my family, and if I don’t fly to the funeral I won’t be able to go at all. So I’m now wasting valuable time and brainpower on pippy-poo bullshit like “how many ounces of shampoo and conditioner can I legally take with me on my trip?” Because if I don’t obsess over my personal hygiene products them big scary vanilla-shampoo-using terrorists might KILL US ALL!

    My boyfriend and I have to pack our bathing supplies in separate bags, because the two of us together will exceed the anti-terrorist shampoo safety limit.

  12. Which is why Jessica Alba also needs to be banned from planes. What if she broke into the cockpit and hit a pilot in the well never mind?

    You make a good point. Jessica Alba is a grave danger to our nation’s security. I will order all air marshals to shoot to kill.

  13. I am super-tempted to take a magic marker and write “THIS BAG KEEPS ME SAFE” on the clear plastic bag containing my shampoo, conditioner and soap

    What would the TSA do if someone tried carrying on a guitar incribed with “This machine kills fascists”?

  14. … it’s crappyness hit me in the face like a sockful of quarters.

    Socks and all currency in the form of coins should be banned from flight, I think.

  15. Someone who wrote that on a guitar would have some “Hard Travelin”

  16. Haven’t tried writing anything on my guitar yet but a few years ago a TSA moron told me I would have to take the strings off before I could carry it on..

  17. Todd:

    He might even wind up with the Deportees.

    Heffalump:

    Nylon or steel?

    Kevin

  18. I can’t fly with my AC/DC CD, because it contains exploding cannons.

    For those about to walk through the metal detector, we salute you.

  19. For those about to fly, we will search you.
    For those about to fly, we will search you.

    Probe!

    Probe!

    We will search you!

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