Iranian Countdown to War Crisis, Day Number…
In what could be a futile move--as the story points out, "It is far from clear how placing assets in Asia or anywhere abroad would protect them from being frozen as few governments or major banks would be willing to flout U.N. sanctions openly"--Reuters reports that Iran, fearing U.N. sanctions on the horizon as they are threatened with a spanking from the Security Council, is withdrawing its foreign assets from Europe to "other banks abroad," according to a "senior Iranian official, who asked not to be named," and making noises about cutting oil output (it's the world's fourth biggest oil exporter, and OPEC's second biggest) just to show the rest of the world who is in charge.
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I just wanted the first post for a change. Iran has already decided to open an oil "bourse" and trade oil in Euros. That is a shot across the economic bow of the US.
In the interest of world peace, I'm willing to hold all of Iran's foreign assets during this troubling time. For a small gratuity, of course.
"In the interest of world peace, I'm willing to hold all of Iran's foreign assets during this troubling time. For a small gratuity, of course."
God willing, blessed be his name, inshallah, Nom Yo Ho Ring Gay Kyoh.
Mighty white of you Pro to offer your services when Iran has few friends. If you need help counting all that Iranian loot, give me a call.
Please to let me know when Pres. Bush has 444 days left in his term. Many thanks.
Hey, I just got an email from some Iranian who said that he needs a place to keep his money. All I need to do is send him the info required to access my bank account.
wayne, I could use someone to cart my--I mean, Iran's--cash to the Cayman Islands. Would $50 million a year be enough? I'm not good with small sums, you know.
Wait, I just double checked the message about helping move Iranian money. The phone number in the message is Nigerian.
Maybe it's just a way to keep their money out of the country in case of war.
"I could use someone to cart my--I mean, Iran's--cash to the Cayman Islands. Would $50 million a year be enough? I'm not good with small sums, you know."
It will be a burden, but in Iran's time of need it will be my calling to help them in this small way, God willing; the $50M will offset my expenses a bit.
I'd be willing to hire some cheap illegal immigrant labor to cart that cash. I could undercut wayne and do the whole job for $40 million.
And I can hit the ground running on this job. My Nigerian friends are sending startup funds to my account. I gave them all the necessary codes to access it.
Well, it turns out that one of the Iranian government's foreign assets is 50 pounds of something they quaintly refer to as "weapons' grade plutonium". thoreau, where should I keep that? Will styrofoam coolers work?
Wrapped up in duct tape, of course. I'm no dummy.
T,
Don't squeeze my illegal alien gland... When you do that it squirts out a hormone that clouds my vision. The Iranians need a friend with clear vision and I have accepted that calling from the Mullahs, praise be on them. The last thing the mullahs need, PBOT, is a bunch of illegals cramming 60 to a money cart undercutting my very generous bid.
Yeah, but wayne, those 60 guys will work dirt cheap to build mansions...um, money storage facilities in the Cayman Islands. I'm just trying to provide money storage in the most efficient manner possible.
PL, you might want to convert that stuff to a more liquid asset. There are some dudes in Afghanistan who will pay cash for it. You'll be doing the clients a favor by turning their asset into something that can be moved around more easily.
Hey, thanks, thoreau. I spoke with them, and they asked if I could use it to build something they call the Flaming Eyes of Allah, which they are apparently codenaming "Orbiting X-Ray 'Laser' ". If that gobbledygook makes any sense to you, $50 million's my going rate. Plus any expenses you'll need to build their silly little device. They assure me that it'll be used only for peaceful means, though they told me candidly that only Arab and Iranian soccer teams would be making it to the World Cup in the future.
PL-
Hmm, I might be interested in working on that project. But I want a different name for it. I'll name it after the Cambridge physicist Alan Parsons and call it the "Alan Parsons Project."
A top secret project like this will require heavy security. I'll need a team of thugs armed with corn syrup sprayers.
(This thread is a lot of fun!)
Very well, thoreau. But you must read and, more importantly, live, this:
Oh, and I need ten sharks with lasers on their heads. No time to explain.
I'll name it after the Cambridge physicist Alan Parsons and call it the "Alan Parsons Project."
I thought that was some kind of hovercraft.
This thread went OT faster than the Battlestar Galactica thread earlier this week. :-
Awesome evil overlord to do list. I specially liked #21.
kwais, here are the ones that didn't make the final list, in case you need more.
Pro Liberate-I'll do all the work for ten bucks and the warm feeling that I get from knowing that I'm stealing food from the mouth of somebody else's children.
"I'll do all the work for ten bucks"
My big burly agents will be around to talk to you about your unfair business practices.
Pro Libertate,
Upon further review, your offer is hereby rejected. Your "small gratuity" comes dangerously close to the definition of "interest" which, as you well know, is forbidden by the Koran. You may still offer to hold our funds but you shall recieve no compensation other than your life.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, perhaps you can use this desk clock to determine when George Bush has 444 days left in his term:
http://www.georgebushcountdownclock.com/
This is the funniest one;
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
Hah!
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
He'll have to do a little more padding than that if he wants to thwart someone with a USB drive.
Still a great list, though.
thoreau,
Or to update it with a gratuitous Austin Powers reference, "Why am I surrounded by friggin' idiots?"
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
I would never commit the sin of usury. Rather, I am merely bribing my heretical help.
"Upon further review, your offer is hereby rejected. Your "small gratuity" comes dangerously close to the definition of "interest" which, as you well know, is forbidden by the Koran. You may still offer to hold our funds but you shall recieve no compensation other than your life."
I have decided to let Thoreau and his illegal aliens handle this money laundering business.
If the Iranians were true Libertarians they would do all their transactions in gold.
I get it. They are proposing an alternative metalic standard. Highly enriched uranium.
M. Simon-
What about a Plutonium standard?
Wait, I've got it: Rearden Metal Standard!
🙂