You Can Hate America, But It Will Still Make You Fat

As Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.) explains, America's obesity epidemic has spread to Southeastern Cuba:

Hunter added a recitation of the daily menu, which on Sunday included Noodles Jefferson and chicken breast in broth.

"The average inmate in Guantanamo has gained five to seven pounds last year…," he said.

As we await the Morgan Spurlock expose, I'm all for engineering a strategy to stop the terrorists by overfeeding them. Hunter has been promoting Gitmo with a weekly roundup of the menu (oven-fried chicken, rice pilaf, fruit and pita bread last week.) If that isn't enough to make you book a ticket through Mexico (assuming the travel ban still applies), talk to this guy:

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R- Ala., expressed impatience at Democrats who called for more legal rights for detainees. He said the newly constructed facility at Guantanamo was on "a beautiful site" and "would make a magnificent resort."

Link via Wonkette.

Comments

[mediageek]

Spurlock should be thrown in Gitmo for foisting that celluloid pile of idiocy on the American public.

Crimes against humanity, indeed.

[dhex]

what about sessions? apparently he misunderstands the concept of resorts, vacationing and...well, a lot of stuff.

[Mo]

I've always thought that Alcatraz is a beautiful island with a great view and location. That said, it doesn't mean I'd ever want to be imprisoned there.

[Franklin Harris]

Sessions has always been stupid, but he's been on a roll lately.

[keith]

Come on! The slogan "You get mo' and Gitmo" is just screaming to be placed on a Sandals Resort ad.

[SPD]

My girlfriend and I are scouting future honeymoon locations. This "Gitmo" sounds like a pretty nice place, if the senators are to be believed.

Does anyone know if they're booked through 2006?

[Windypundit]

"I'm all for engineering a strategy to stop the terrorists by overfeeding them."

Oh crap, that's funny!

Tying this to the earlier piece about political views being genetic and how the zealots are breeding, let me just say from personal experience, overfeeding them will reduce their opportunities to breed. Sigh.

[Todd Fletcher]

If Gitmo is a resort, it's a lot like the Hotel California.

[Ken J]

Gitmo does have some decent snorkelling, so I wouldn't rule out the resort thing all together.

[SPD]

Do the Gitmo Gideons leave a Koran in every nightstand drawer (or toilet, as the case may be)?

[Dynamist]

Limbaugh has been on this for at least a week. "Club Gitmo, your tropical retreat from the stress of jihad." He's selling shirts with slogans like: My mullah went to Gitmo and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

[joe]

Do I get the fruit and pita bread before or after I'm bound in a fetal position until I shit on myself?

[Dynamist]

joe: Depends on whether you bought the Sader-Masoch supplement ot your vacation...

[Tim Higgins]

Todd Fletcher,

More the ". . . but you can never leave" than the "you can get out any time you like . . .", eh?

-Tim

[Mr. Nice Guy]

Someone said a few months ago that we should fight terrorism by saturating the Middle East with porn. I mean, totally dropping the stuff from the sky. I vote for that.

[drf]

Mr. Nice Guy: funny. that was always my cure for the south. then drop pro second ammendment stuff on the north east.

Joe: usually the fetal position krapping is reserved for Vietnamese cooking.

Check out some of the documentaries on Discovery where they talk about the Hanoi hilton. Sadly our abuse of prisoners makes us look too close to them. And we're still the good guys, dammit.

[zach]

no niceguy... that would mean the terrorists have won.

[Mr. Nice Guy]

I'm giving this a little more thought.. the porn used in the airlifts would have to be culturly relevant.. plastic valley Mary Carey shit won't work.. perhaps it would need to be much more subtle, drawing upon Arabian mythology. Also there should be propoganda inserted in the text along the lines of "these people are happy. They are getting paid. You are feeling happy reading and looking at this. No one is getting hurt. Everyone is happy"

Shit, someone give me a grant..

[Mr. Nice Guy]

"culture-relevant"
"propaganda"

Okay, me words good usually.

[zach]

i don't see the use in promoting ideas in the middle east as clearly unamerican as porn. obviously the only way to win is to convert them all to christianity.

[thoreau]

I heard a rumor that Guantanamo Bay Resort has excellent personal trainers. Really tough guys, almost like drill sergeants.

Any truth to this?

Either way, I'm definitely going to talk to my travel agent about the place!

[Stevo Darkly]

Terrorize Me!

[free form]

I hate to be contrary, but I'm looking for a resort vacation where I can LOSE weight. Maybe I'll check out one of those detention cen...I mean, vacation resorts that the Iraqi police have opened up under our direction.

[Jennifer]

Remember: it's only torture if you lose weight.

[thoreau]

I just realized that since I'm moving to the DC area next week it will be really easy to secure tickets to Gitmo! All I have to do is walk into a federal building and do something dumb and I can get on the next flight there!

The return trip might be a little tricky.

[SPD]

thoreau,

Why would you want to return? Gitmo sounds like a friggin' paradise!

Prisoner: These shackles are cutting through my skin.

Guard: Cheer up, ya pussy! You're in the Caribbean, how bad could it be?

[dagny]

Is it just me, or is this administration getting arrogantly dumb since the last election?

Cheney: "It's important to remember that these are bad men"

No it's not, it's important to remember that these people are enemy-freakin'-combatants, not that they're "bad men"! Bad men mug you on the street and hold up gas stations, if we were sending them to Gitmo, that would be a big freakin' problem.

[Happy Jack]

Hope the Hollyweirdos don't get wind of this resort idea.

It'd be an enlightening experience for Drew and Cameron. The opportunity to poo on terrorists would drive them giddy.

Of course, the real torture for the prisoners would be having to listen to the ramblings of the skanks for a week.

[kevrob]

Mr. NG:

I think we could start out by sneaking Lebanese fashion magazines into the strictest part of the ME, and slowly build up to smuggling XXX tapes and DVDs. Annette Haven played Scheherezade once. That might be a good first release.

Kevin