The Best Answer to Crackdowns on Medical Marijuana? A Medical Marijuana Vending Machine.

Crackdown on the medical marijuana industry, will you, Obama's Justice Department? Here comes the world's best response: a medical marijuana vending machine. This means that weed joins such bracingly irreverent items as beer, cupcakes, and Plan B birth control which can be found (and sometimes objected to) in vending machines across this nation.

Sadly for those who regret their sobriety at 3 a.m., notes LAist, "Autospense," made by Dispense Labs, is serious about security. Only medical marijuana patients are allowed and you need more than exact change for this here machine: 

Firstly, to use Autospense, you must have a medical marijuana prescription and be registered with a participating dispensary. Machines will sit outside participating dispensaries for the monthly cost of $1,500 to $2000. Patients must swipe their registration cards, then enter a PIN number -- just like using an ATM (only a different form of "green" is dispensed). The machine accepts cash, credit or debit, and once payment is received, a door opens granting access to the herbal remedy. You can take an AutoSpense Walkthrough on the company website.

Pot pilferers, lower your hopes. When the dispensary closes, the machine will be guarded by a cage that can only be opened by the swipe of a registration card. [Dispense Labs CEO and founder Joe] DeRobbio also noted advanced security features, including fingerprint recognition, cameras and purchase tracking.

The Dispensary Group is "committed to raising the level of legitimacy and accountability in the medical marijuana industry," according to the website, and is "comprised of forward-thinking business leaders, healthcare advocates and technical experts."

The ad below is so purposefully bland that it seems like a parody of something. Clearly they're trying to preempt the stoner joke potential of a weed vending machine. (LAist joked that it's a pity Autospense is so far from the famous cupcake vending machine.)

 

The smooth-voiced narrator urges viewers to "visit Autospense.com for your nearest autospense location" but for the moment the machine is only available outside one medical marijuana dispensary in Santa Ana. 

Reason on medical marijuana

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  • ||

    The ad below is so purposefully bland that it seems like a parody of something.

    Further proof that legalization will make mj boring.

  • Anacreon||

    The smooth-voiced narrator urges viewers to "visit Autospense.com for your nearest autospense location" but for the moment the machine is only available outside one medical marijuana dispensary in Santa Ana.

    Here comes those Santa Ana winds again....

  • Pro Libertate||

    Is there nothing that cannot be sold via vending machine?

  • Hugh Akston||

    Vending machines?

  • Pro Libertate||

    No, they're fully recursive.

  • ||

    Prove it.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Go to any vending machine and lean it towards you. When it begins to fall over, you'll see a line of machines behind it.

  • ||

    Can you provide me with a video demonstration?

  • Pro Libertate||

    I think it's something you have to experience yourself. After all, video can be faked.

  • ||

    If you're not willing to prove your theories, ProL, no one will respect your science-fu. Remember, ProL: there is no mercy in this dojo.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Dude, I was just kidding! Oh, crap, I think I killed Episiarch.

    Everyone in Seattle, please lift any vending machines that have fallen over. Unless you prefer deep-dish pizza; then you should leave them where they are.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Stupid threaded edited nested moderated animated-GIFless comments.

  • ||

    That should teach you to spout baseless, unproven theories, ProL. Look at what happens. The comments system falls over on you.

    You know, I warned you, but as always, you didn't listen. This is just like that time with the superglue and your anus.

  • Pro Libertate||

    You may fool others, but you can't fool me. You're commenting from under a vending machine, only supported by the strength of an erection lasting more than four hours. You hope.

  • ||

    You're commenting from under a vending machine, only supported by the strength of an erection lasting more than four hours. You hope.

    Yet another med fun fact: Yes, you can fracture your penis!

  • Pro Libertate||

    And here we see the Canadian doctor, who supplied Episiarch with this surprisingly life-saving medication. Is there nothing you can't do, doc?

  • ||

    He was even able to take care of that problem with the superglue and your anus. The doc really is a miracle worker.

  • Pro Libertate||

    I'm not the one with the superglued anus, Episiarch. You should've paid the doc for his drugs.

  • Ice Nine||

    He's still trying to fool us don't ya know. He meant "fracture your paenis."

  • Pro Libertate||

    I can hear the "eh," like a distant moose howling in the wind.

  • ||

    It's nothing to be embarrassed about, ProL. Everyone makes mistakes. Especially you.

  • Pro Libertate||

    That's an odd remark for a man pinioned under a vending machine supported only by a slowly detumescing penis.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Quick, send Episiarch pictures of extremely attractive women! Unclad, for the love of God, unclad!

  • ||

    I fully support this suggestion.

  • ||

    We should follow this suggestion so you can continue to fully support.

  • Ice Nine||

    That won't help; after it's fractured it ain't going up, it's forever going LEFT.

  • ||

    It already did that.

  • ||

    I'M NOT CANADIAN! I DON'T EVEN LIKE TIMBITS!

  • Ice Nine||

    Only a hort-addled Canuck would even know what those are.

  • ||

    Yeah, you just made a fatal mistake, Kraft Dinner-eater.

  • ||

    Reason discusses Timbits. Where I first learned of such a thing.

  • ||

    In mother Russia, vending machine sells you.

    Er, wait...

  • ||

    In Soviet Russia, machine vends YOU!

    /Yakov

  • fish||

    Better.

  • Pro Libertate||

    I likee, except that I think "Soviet" and "vending" don't go together.

  • ||

    State controlled, centrally planned distribution, AKA "vending".

  • crazyfingers||

    "advanced security features, including fingerprint recognition, cameras and purchase tracking"

    LOL

    This seems so much more convenient than the current system of having a friendly acquaintance drop it off at your house anonymously. Forget that higher quality bud is available for cheaper on the black market; I can't wait to sign up!

  • Brandon||

    Higher quality? Not likely.

  • ||

    Legalization will make it less cool,especially when your grandparents can buy seeds in the Gurneys Catalog with their sweet corn and tomatoes.Ironically you can't find a vending machine for alcohol or tobacco products in this country anymore.

  • Hugh Akston||

  • ||

    Ah,but can you find a working model of the once ubiquitous cigarette vending machines anyplace besides in the back of a dusty old barn on an episode of American Pickers?

  • ||

    I want one that sells baby fingers and monocles, Dammit!

  • Heroic Mulatto||

  • Ice Nine||

    If the feds are going to confiscate the property of landlords who rent to MJ dispensaries, how long do these brilliant entrepreneurs expect their vending machines to last sitting out on the sidewalk?

  • AlmightyJB||

    Actually, i think the more boring and non-descript they can make medical mj, the less resistance thyey'll have. Fill a city street full of neon marijuana leaves you're gonna get some folks resisting to that. Have non-descript doctore offices seling it, less so.

  • AlmightyJB||

    I'm not saying that's right I'm just talking about reality.

  • local medical marijuana d||

    A vending machine for medical marijuana will be very controversial.It will be difficult to control people getting cannabis in the machine.Local Local medical marijuana dispensaries is still the best option.

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