Even Time Magazine Knows Your Children Are Safe From Marijuana Candy

If Time magazine isn't impressed by your would-be moral panic, you're doing it wrong. In LA County, a sheriff sent out a general call of alarm -- see, since marijuana-laced candy and treats exist, somebody might try to feed them to your children when they go trick or treating. 

But Time.com soothes:

Like earlier warnings about razors in apples and other poisoned candy, there's no evidence that any such misdeed has ever occurred. Think about it for a moment: why would a presumed drug user or dealer waste expensive and often difficult to acquire drugs on children?

That's a really good question: 

Marijuana brownies are being sold for $9 apiece, or $75 for 10, at a San Francisco dispensary, for example. A Colorado group reported selling them recently for $8 apiece. Compare that with the average cost of ordinary candy — several cents per piece. With folks typically giving out not more than $1 worth of loot per trick-or-treater, adding pot-laden snacks to the mix would rapidly make for one expensive trick in the Great Recession!

The L.A. Sheriff had also warned about this possibility last year, with no reports of any actual child victims.

Weirdly rational of you, Time. And bonus points for linking to numerous Snopes.com articles which defuse many of the classic Halloween horror stories.

Sure, it's possible that asshole would try to make a kid sick by giving them a weed lolly. But that's probably not going to happen. 

Katherine Mangu-Ward on how your child's costume might kill them (according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission). 

Reason on the childrens and Halloween.

Update: Jesse Walker just pointed out the why of this strangely sensible Time.com article -- it was written by Reason contributor Maia Szalavitz.

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  • Metazoan||

    YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'S GETTING YOUR KIDS HIGH!!!

  • Ska||

    I hope it's better than last month's recommendation to smoke some banana peels. ;)

  • Metazoan||

    Or another time, when- I forget what they called it - but the stuff they claimed was getting kids high was essentially fermented human waste.

    On the ridiculous scale though, probably nothing tops the iDoser "sound files are getting your kids high" crap.

  • T||

    Jenkem, when the internet trolled the legacy media. Good times.

  • ||

  • Jenkem||

    You rang?

  • BakedPenguin||

    South Park's joke on that, with fucking awesome animation parody for Gen Xers.

  • Zuo||

    Anybody from &t here? Those were the good olde days...

  • Spoonman.||

    Yes.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Think about it for a moment: why would a presumed drug user or dealer waste expensive and often difficult to acquire drugs on children?

    There are a lot of sick perverts out there on the drugs with a beef to grind against clean cut little Molly and Timmy as they come around with their needlemarkless arms and THC-less hair follicles and their stable family values and their Power Rangers costumes, innocently unsuspecting of the drug addled pothead sinisterly lurking in the doorway of his drug den, ready to hand out death in the form of a brownie filled to the brim with the drugs. So stay out of my liquor.

  • Almanian||

    The early 2000's called, and they WANT THEIR POWER RANGERS HALLOWEEN COSTUMES BACK! lulz

  • Tim||

    Forget Power Rangers, very lame.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Plenty of sick weirdos out there who will use "Jesus juice" to get kids intoxicated and molest them. The pot evangelists, like the one who wrote this Reason piece, swear that it never happens with other stuff, so leave their pet chemical alone. Nothing wrong with pot advocacy, mind you, but stretching it to the point of 'brownies are $9, so nobody is going to use it on your kid' is as absurd as the candy banner argument.

    Still not a reason to ban something because someone might do something bad with it.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    Shit, John... how many kids are going to throw down nine bucks for a nasty-ass pot brownie?

    Believe me, I've eaten a few. Not a good culinary experience.

  • ||

  • Joe M||

    Aww you stole my post!

  • ||

    It's because I'm a megalomaniac.

  • Joe M||

    This is the kind of music you should Krank to 11.

  • Almanian||

    The squirrels ate my other comment, which was to be...

    AND NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED.

    Fuck you, squirrels

  • Tim||

    They're after your nuts.

  • Hugh Akston||

    Apparently TIME doesn't understand how it works. If people aren't in a constant state of mortal terror, they might start to wonder where all those law enforcement agency budgets are going.

  • T||

    Can't have them questioning the need for 300K RC choppers, can we?

  • ||

    S T O P

    __--__--__--

    R _ E _ S _ I _ S _ T _ I _ N _ G

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    Or super-dee-dooper new armored trucks with gun ports, and a compass, and a thing in the stock that tells time!

  • BakedPenguin||

    Related: Report Slams Makers of Sugary Drinks for Targeting Kids

    The HERPDERP! Foundation for Crying About the Blatantly Fucking Obvious is worried about your kids.

  • ||

    Forget that, and go to the more basic, fundamental question, the one that popped into my head the moment I read your post: who the hell gives a fuck?

    Company makes commercials, kids like what they see, kids buy. Kids enjoy, companies profit. Win. Or am I supposed to go apeshit lefty and advocate government restrictions on food contents and advertising? Fucking worthless.

  • ||

    Wow, the race bit is a nice touch. "Junk Food Apocalypse: Blacks, Hispanics Hit Hardest."

  • Joe M||

    What about the skyrocketing lotion sales from all the hand wringing caused chapping?

  • BakedPenguin||

    Also, which is worse for kids? Sugar or weed? Maybe Time will tell.

  • ||

    Why would I share my drugs with stupid little kids? What are you? Commies?

  • ||

    Fookin' A! A contact high is good enough for teh childrens.

  • Kristen||

    Ain't no snot-nosed ankle-biter gettin any of my weed!

  • Zeb||

    Imagine how fun trick or treating could be of it weren't for the damn kids though. Screw brownies, they take too long to kick in. I want to give out bong hits and tequila shots.

  • Lucy Steigerwald||

    Remind me to stop by your house tonight.

  • IceTrey||

    At least the kids aren't SMOKING!

  • ||

    Weirdly rational of you, Time.

    No kidding; I can't believe they actually allowed it to see the light of day, no matter who wrote it.

  • Mr. Mark||

    City Councilman James Bond of Atlanta

    Years ago in Atlanta there was a City Councilman named James Bond. This was NOT 007. That was James IQ, unfortunately enough.

    More unfortunately enough however, somebody broke into James' car and ripped out his stereo and Atlanta Police investigated. Lo and behold, what did they find? Nine of 'em! Left handed Luckies, ladies and Gentlemen. Somebody in there smokin 'em! One of 'em in there freshly rolled right in the back seat.
    So I placed a call into APD HQ, "Chief? Lewis Grrizzard, Atlanta Journal Constitution. When are you going to press charges against Councilman Bond for Felony Possession of Marijuana?"

    Chief said, "We are not going to do that."

    I said "What? Well who's in there smokin that dope?"

    "We say the thief was!"

    "The thief???? This is a rookie job. First time offender. Never pulled a job like this in his life. How longis it gonna take to rip out a car stereo. Half hour? 45 minutes? Do you think this guy has time to smoke nine joints in 30 to 45 minutes and then rip out Councilman Bond's car stereo and then have the physical strength to leave the scene of the crime? Did he leave a joint in the back seat for the next thief? What is going on here?"

    Now you see my dilemma. "Well if it wasn't councilman Bond, Chief, or the thief, there is only one other explanation. The Dope Fairy."

    What kind of town is Atlanta? 25,000 calls came into WSB the next day 'Where is that dope fairy? I wanna talk to him!'

    - Lewis Grizzard

  • Colonel_Angus||

    Hmmm. Can it be melted in with tootsie rolls? LOL, rolls.

  • Underzog||

    It is halloween and in addition to Bach's Toccata in D minor, the Troll Song is also used to create a scary atmosphere. Those Norwegian trolls can be very mean.

    "There's no need to fear. Underzog is here!"

  • BakedPenguin||

    Underzog! Welcome back. The troll(s) around here now really suck. It's glad to see you.

  • BakedPenguin||

    It's good to see you.

  • Underzog||

    I confess I get a chuckle out of your mocking cartoons against me. Even us Israelbots have a sense of humor.

    "There's no need to fear. Underzog is here."

  • Linus||

    Brownies and small cakes are 5 dollars at the pot store I go to. I haven't eaten a whole one yet though, so maybe they are just half as potent the 10 dollar ones.

    Kids won't like them though. You can taste and smell the cannabutter or whatever it is, therefore I don't think they would appeal to kids.

    And the packaging is usually sketchy. As I kid I never ate anything in what looked like homemade packaging.

  • aasss||

    mmmmmmmmm fentanyl lollipops. if some guy was rich and generous enough to just give away these wonderful, delicious drugs, we should be thanking, not shaming, him. just like the only people who poison kids with candy are people who know them beforehand, anyone lucky enough to get magical, flavored happiness and satisfaction is getting it from someone they know, because most stoners don't have enough money to do that, nor are they seeking the kind of attention it would obviously bring

  • GILMORE||

    I for one *miss* the days when halloween used to be specifically a time when kids could run amok, traveling in packs, vandalizing their school and neighbors, and causing each other bodily harm/humiliation with improvised weapons and off-the-shelf chemicals. Fuck 'razor candy' or pedophile-panic.... the most threatening element to life and limb on halloween in my day was *other kids*.

    What 12yr old *didn't* know how to melt the tip of a shaving cream bottle with a lighter and a pin? When did teens *stop* preparing their egg-arsenal weeks in advance to ensure proper rancidity? When did rolls of sterno-or-gasoline infused toilet paper cease to be the source of serious concern by local fire departments? Why are long tube socks no longer converted into ad-hoc blackjacks by loading them with sand, marbles, perhaps a baseball, and in cases of the more creative lads, chilli pepper? (a true inspiration = you would be amazed at the instant pain magnification of contusions laced with capsaicin) When did it become *rare* for isolated 6th graders to be captured by a gang of 7graders, pinned down, and doused with Nair, such that missing eyebrows and severe cases of Mange were common sights in junior-high-school halls?

    I weep for the diminished youth of America. I suspect it has something to do with video games. I almost want to egg a few kids just to see if they might be inspired to awake from their servile torpor and rediscover the True Spirit of halloween= beating up kids in the grade below you, egging your asshole neighbors house, toilet-papering the school, pouring sand/salt into the substitute gym-teacher's gas tank, all while drunk on random booze smuggled from parent's cabinets and stored in empty plastic bottles.

    The God Pan is displeased.

  • ||

    Probably due to years of Balko nutpunch conditioning, through the entire post I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Lucy to inform us that she was just kidding and Time had published another scaremongering article about pot candy.

  • Lucy Steigerwald||

    Eh, man bites dog, magazine doesn't provoke or exploit a panic. It happens!

  • ||

    I'm glad you finally realized it was written by Maia Szalavitz. Any time TIME has a rational article, it's almost always authored by her.

  • Lucy Steigerwald||

    Yep, so Jesse told me. I'll certainly remember the name now.

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