Happy Halloween from the CPSC: Your Costume Can Kill You. Your Candy Can Kill You. Strangers Can Kill You. You Know What? Just Stay Home, OK?

Halloween is right around the corner—and so is a candle-lit pedophile den full of razor candy!

The Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) offers this handy illustration of proper Halloween practice, and a bunch o' warnings, including alarmism about candles in pumpkins on doorsteps, "tampering" with candy, flammable "billowing skirts," and knives made of insufficiently "soft and flexible material."

My personal favorite: "Children should go only to homes where the residents are known." 

Read more Reason on Halloween, "the safest day of the year."

And, because it can never be repeated too often: There are no verified incidents of poisoned candy, and no reported serious injuries from razor blades, pins, or needles in candy despite at five decades worth of annual scare stories.

Via Free-Range Kids.

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  • ||

    Gawdalmighty. Those statists really do have nothing but contempt for those of us who pay their salaries.

  • ||

    You know what pisses me off? People are paid actual salaries to come up with horse shit like that warning cartoon. The same sort of stupidity also pervades big business. There are imbeciles whose job it is to come up with slogans and catch phrases and programs intended to promote productivity or creativity and other stuff. Are you "in the house". In my 20 plus years working for a major corporation a hundred of these programs came through - each with their loose leaf binders and pamphlets designed to teach you a new way to think - or something. All bureaucracy is the same.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I am with you brother, especially the crap that comes out of Personnel (starting a protest against "HR" now). At least the Safety Nazis stick pretty close to safety. Corporate Personnel wants to out-worst the government at every turn.

  • GroundTruth||

    Personnel was about people. The day it became "human resources" was the day it was about stripmining people.

    Howbout we start a movement of always referring to it as personnel whatever the goons say? Could be fun!

  • romulus augustus||

    I recall a campaign my former employer rolled out for a zippy new modern powerful battery and illustrated the "New Express" marketing campaign with a smoky old steam engine so carelessly drawn it was off the rails!

  • CE||

    I prefer the old SNL skit with the low-budget Halloween costumes: Johnny Human Torch (rags, gasoline, and a lighter), the Astronaut (a plastic bag for a helmet), etc.

  • CE||

    ...almost forgot The Invisible Man -- black shoes, pants, sweatshirt, gloves, and a black mask. Not recommended for high-traffic areas.

  • NoVAHockey||

    or blind kids, IIRC

  • ||

    This year I'm dressing up as a registered voter.

  • ||

    Goatse?

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Whiteface?

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Easy solution -- everyone goes costumed as the Boy in the Bubble.

  • rather||

    Why would a girl want to be John Travolta this year?

  • ||

    Maybe the girl's got a thing for Tawny Kitaen. Try to keep an open mind, pal.

  • Gimlet||

    Moops!

  • Canuck Commenter PantsFan||

    Paul Simon?

  • ||

    no reported serious injuries from razor blades, pins, or needles in candy

    so there have been minor injuries from razor blades in candy?

  • Joe M||

    Try CTFL.

  • ||

    OMG!!! WTF!!! DANGER DANGER Will Robinson!!!

    For fucks sake. I am 45 years old. It must be only by a miracle of God almighty that I ever survived Halloween.

  • GroundTruth||

    A chime and speaker blaring "Stranger! Danger!" was a gimmick on the 80's Star Trek when someone new showed up. Now it's serious business.

    Folks, we are raising a nation of wimps!

  • Hobie Hanson||

    If we include things that can lead to health problems down the road in the definition of poison, and I don't see why we shouldn't, then there is a lot of poison in Halloween "candy".

  • Resto Druid FTW||

    /yawn

  • Apatheist||

  • GroundTruth||

    Correct: constant anxiety can lead to high blood pressure.

  • Whorebie H --||

    Of course, Whorebie. A day of good fun, Holloween should be banned because busybodies have determined that fun times can be harmful and the American Dental Association has determined that candy can upset a conscientiously applied program of regular dental care. Buzz off, you prudish old busybody!

  • ||

    Nothing leads to health problems "down the road" like being born, moron.

  • *||

    Razor blades in lollipops:
    http://www.takethislollipop.com/

  • Hobie Hanson||

    Plus if Reason were around for a hundred years, which it won't be, it wouldn't save as many lives and limbs as the CPSC does every year. So maybe Reasonistas should just pipe down.

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Yeah. And cancel my subscription!

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    Yeah, if it weren't for the CPSC, I might have swallowed a lawn dart or something.

    Nevermind the times my older brother and I played mumblety peg. Or the many times I climbed up on the roof of the garage and jumped off using the umbrella from the picnic table as a "parachute." Or the countless times I put a board on a rock and did my best Evel Knievel impression with my 20" BMX bike - ending up a good percentage of the time in a pretty wicked wipe-out.

    Good thing the CPSC prevented me from ever doing any of that stuff. I might have gotten hurt!

    THANK YOU GOVERNMENT!!

  • ||

    Lives created or saved?

  • Canuck Commenter PantsFan||

    Tis safer to err on the side of alarm

  • ||

    Plus if Reason were around for a hundred years, which it won't be, it wouldn't save as many lives and limbs as the CPSC does every year.

    I don't know but it doesn't seem like zero is a very high bar.

  • ||

    it wouldn't save as many lives and limbs as the CPSC does every year.

    1) How many deaths are caused by CPSC forcing the recall of products which leads to people turning to less safe substitutes. [If you don't believe that can happen, I suggest you look up deaths and injuries caused by methanol poisoning during the prohibition era.]
    2) How many suicides are caused by CPSC sucking all the fun out of life? (Yes, I am being facetious on this one, but a 'perfectly safe world' probably wouldn't be a pleasant place to live.)
    I wonder how many suicides are caused by

  • ||

    Edit error. Ignore last line.

  • Hobie Hanson||

    The CPSC wasn't around during the prohibition era.

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    Here's the point.

    Here's you missing it.

  • Matrix||

    If the government isn't looking out for your kids, who will?

  • Isadora Duncan’s Ghost||

    Don't get me started on fucking capes people.

  • Edna Mode||

    NO CAPES!

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    You have a special cape for fucking?

  • Bugatti ||

    It was a scarf

  • steve||

    superman that ho?

  • Ska||

    And to think of the insane shit I used to do as a degenerate youth, when the real risk was tripping on my untucked pirate pants.

  • ||

    I'm letting my kids have a Halloween party this weekend. My daughter, who's in 8th grade, gave out a ton of invites and put a note for parents to call me with any questions. I got about a dozen calls asking if the kids need to bring anything. (I told them jokingly that if their kids planned on drinking or smoking, they would need to bring their own...to very little amusement.). I had one parent call to say that her daughter would not be attending because there was a sex offender that lived one street over. I just laughed and hung up.

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    I think my response would have been, "Oh don't worry about him, I've got plenty of guns in the house."

  • rts||

    +1 Outstanding.

  • ||

    +2

  • ||

    This is why I write about my life experiences on H&R. It gives me a chance to improve my game.

    Better response duly noted.

  • ||

    Something tells me you're not writing about them enough.

  • GroundTruth||

    Thank you, I needed that! Most satisfying thing I've read in this one thus far.

  • ||

    I think my response would have been, "Oh don't worry about him, I've got plenty of guns in the house."

    Or "Don't worry, I've arranged for the clown to drive all the kids home after dark."

  • Matrix||

    had one parent call to say that her daughter would not be attending because there was a sex offender that lived one street over.

    Wow... word's cannot express. I guess a laugh is all I can do as well.

  • ||

    "You've gotta have a buffer!"

  • Bugatti ||

    The scariest part of that story is that sloopyinca has a thirteen year old daughter.

    Honey, when you want to run away, I'll take you in

  • ||

    Why? So you can shove her in the oven and eat he?

    In your memoir/Grimm fanfic it had two runaway kids, didn't it?

  • Bugatti ||

    I don't know what you're writing about-I assume one of the toads wrote something in my name.

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    I prefer the "whirling poisoned blades of death" costume, myself. It's not complete without the duct tape around the head, covering the eyes.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Oh, the Voldo costume. Nice.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    I always went as Facepuncher. That costume seemed to be less dangerous to the wearer than to others.

  • NoVAHockey||

    What was that SNL skit, invisible pedestrian?

    anyway, the DC area, cops will be checking in on registered sex offenders.

    "Sex offenders who are on probation or parole are required to have their porch lights off, and they cannot display Halloween decorations or answer the door for children trick-or-treating, the sheriff’s office said."

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....story.html

  • GroundTruth||

    Tell me this is a joke!

  • ||

    No joke. It's a cop fad.

  • ||

    I remember dressing up as a bum on more than one occasion as a kid. I'm sure glad my kids don't want to dress as one. I doubt I could afford the iPhones, mac books, Ray Ban Wayfarers with clear lenses and ironic skinny clothing required for them to pull it off.

  • Ska||

    Hmmmm....my brother is having a party in Greenpoint. Something tells me that an OWS costume would just get me blank looks and "Dude, where's your costume?"

  • ||

    Go as an empty tent.

  • ||

    Good Grief our government is run by idiots.

    Treats: Warn children not to eat any treats before an adult has carefully examined them for evidence of tampering.

    EH!!! It doesn't take your kids very long to figure that this is a stupid trick by adults to rummage through your candy and to pick out the shit they want. “Hey, where the fuck did all my M&M's go?”

    Flame Resistant Costumes: When purchasing a costume, masks, beards, and wigs, look for the label Flame Resistant. Although this label does not mean these items won't catch fire, it does indicate the items will resist burning and should extinguish quickly once removed from the ignition source. To minimize the risk of contact with candles or other sources of ignition, avoid costumes made with flimsy materials and outfits with big, baggy sleeves or billowing skirts.

    Look, I know you stupid douchebags who are on the federal payroll are fucking stupid as a box of rocks, but your average 8 year old is smarter than you. And one thing they know what to do is to avoid jumping into fire, jumping over fire, and smoking while trick or treating. You can't run very fast while you are smoking. We save the smoking for later.

    Costume Designs: Purchase or make costumes that are light and bright enough to be clearly visible to motorists.
    For greater visibility during dusk and darkness, decorate or trim costumes with reflective tape that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights.

    A fucking vampire costume isn't very scary if you are lit up like a christmas tree. There are those parents, those who want their genes to pass on, they do this incredible feat. They fucking teach their children to look both ways before crossing the street.


    Costumes should be short enough to prevent children from tripping and falling.

    All kids learn this sooner or later. The first time you faceplant into a pile of dog shit or scab your hands on gravel, you learn no to have shit hanging out.

    Children should wear well-fitting, sturdy shoes . Mother' s high heels are not a good idea for safe walking.

    You can't dress like Lana Tuner without High heels.

    Hats and scarfs should be tied securely to prevent them from slipping over children's eyes.

    OMG, thanks government. It never occurred to me to let my kids out of the house when they can't see. Where would we be without you?

    Apply a natural mask of cosmetics rather than have a child wear a loose-fitting mask that might restrict breathing or obscure vision. If a mask is used, however, make sure it fits securely and has eyeholes large enough to allow full vision.

    If you restrict your breathing, it is only going to take you all of about what, 5 fucking seconds, to figure out something is wrong. “Gee honey, Timmah is turning blue. Do you think something is wrong.” “Nah, is dressed like a bludberry after all.”{

    Swords, knives, and similar costume accessories should be of soft and flexible material.

    Fuck you government. Real swords are way WAY fucking cooler than a fucking plastic substitue. You see, my parent commited the crime of letting me go out by myself....well just me and my fellow 10 year old friends. A sword is a good weapon to keep the predatory 14 year olds from your stash.

    Pedestrian Safety: Young children should always be accompanied by an adult or an older, responsible child. All children should WALK, not run from house to house and use the sidewalk if available, rather than walk in the street. Children should be cautioned against running out from between parked cars, or across lawns and yards where ornaments, furniture, or clotheslines present dangers.

    You people are fucking insane. Holloween is what makes children learn cartography. You get a map of your home town and weeks before halloween, you plan the most efficent route to get the most candy. You look for apartment complexes and small yard housing whatchyamacallits. However, big mansions have nicer candy. But anyway, once you've developed your carefully planned route, of course you fucking run house to house. It is only one night after all. So fuck you, we're running.

    Choosing Safe Houses: Children should go only to homes where the residents are known and have outside lights on as a sign of welcome.
    Children should not enter homes or apartments unless they are accompanied by an adult.
    People expecting trick-or-treaters should remove anything that could be an obstacle from lawns, steps and porches. Candlelit jack-o'-lanterns should be kept away from landings and doorsteps where costumes could brush against the flame. Indoor jack-o'-lanterns should be kept away from curtains, decorations, and other furnishings that could be ignited.

    Apparently the fuckrards that wrote these guidelines have never fucking been trick-or-treating. In a good night, you can hit a couple hundred houses. Guess what douchebags, we didn't know any of those people. And, somehow, none of managed to get kidnapped. Keep jack-o-lantern from the curtains??? Really? Please, if you are that stupid, not only do I want you to put you jack-o-lantern next to the curtain, do us all a favor and take your fucking genes out of the gene pool and fill your jack-o-lantern up with gas.

  • Hobie Hanson||

    There are those parents, those who want their genes to pass on, they do this incredible feat. They fucking teach their children to look both ways before crossing the street.

    What about the kids riding unicycles, or cars driving around with no headlights.

  • Apatheist||

    If your kid is riding a unicycle you have already failed as a parent.

  • Jeffrey||

    I used to play b-ball on a unicycle when I was a kid.

  • ||

    ...when I was a kid.

    Well, don't leave us hanging. Did they cure your Aspergers when you got older, or not?

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Well, don't leave us hanging. Did they cure your Aspergers when you got older, or not?

    The laughter that this caused almost damaged my respiratory system.

  • Robert||

    Many of those instructions imply that children have been nude and never walked out of their house until Halloween.

  • ||

    Just out of curiosity...who is dressing up this year for a party/trick or treat with your kids? And what are you going as?

    I'm going as Jean-Luc Picard. No haircut required.

  • ||

    Your wife should go as that chick from Lifeforce that was the topic of a recent thread. Breaks the ice at parties!

  • ||

    My ex-wife is not likely to go anywhere with me. Besides, my kids have seen her sucking the lifeblood out of me for nearly a decade. I don't know what costume she could wear that would top the daywalking vampire she is IRL.

    No, I've got a honey coming over dressed as Troi to help with the party. And I mean upskirt Troi, not cameltoe Troi.

  • ||

    Troi versus the star of Lifeforce.

    Need a ruling here!

  • Old Mexican||

    Re: Pro Libertate,

    Troi versus the star of Lifeforce.


    You mean the alien girl, right? Because the star was a guy... oh, and Captain Picard was there, too.

  • ||

    There were other people in that movie? Really? Huh.

  • Joe M||

    Someone needs to do a Phantom Edit type deal on that movie.

  • ||

    Her name is Mathilda May. And yeah, Mathilda over Marina Sirtis any day. Though at this point, they're both well into collecting the Brit equivalent of Social Security.

  • Bugatti ||

    What another divorced libertarian who was in a dysfunctional marriage? What are the odds!

  • ||

    I'm a married libertarian in a great marriage (first and only marriage, too), so what's the point again?

  • Apatheist||

    Not everybody can have a lifelong loving relationship with their cats.

  • Gojira||

    No haircut required.

    You should go as Sisko, and accuse everyone of being racists for not getting it.

    Or just use blackface.

  • ||

    Or go as the wormhole.

  • Gojira||

    I'm desperately trying to think of a way to turn that into a Tony/SugarFree joke.

  • ||

    Goatse?

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Goatse is a terrible and offensive Halloween costume, sloopy.

  • ||

    I wish Sisqo had been the commander of DS9. And I wish they'd have used the Thong Song for the title music.

    It would have made Season 1 at least tolerable.

  • Spoonman.||

    The only good thing I can imagine about ever getting bald is the Picard costume opportunities.

  • ||

    Or Dr. Evil

    Or and Yul Brynner character. [Although the parents might get a little touchy about the sword he carried in The King and I.]

  • ||

    The sword is great to fend off the sexual predator, one street over...but I digress

  • AlmightyJB||

    STEVE SMITH

  • ||

    I wonder what CPSC would think of the Halloween pistol shoot I'm going to.

  • Apatheist||

    Officer, am I free to gambol about the neighborhood?

  • Canuck Commenter PantsFan||

    That's it. I'm going as White Indian.

  • ||

    Goatse?

  • Zombie Jimbo||

    Officer, am I free to shamble about the neighborhood?

  • Joe M||

    I think the guys in the straightjackets are the epitome of gamboling.

  • Binky||

    Use cosmetics

    WHAT?! The CPSC advocates sexualizing little kids? Not to mention the lead the Chinese put in that stuff is terrible for delicate, developing skin.

  • Rich||

    Happy Halloween from the CPSC: Your Costume Can Kill You. Your Candy Can Kill You. Strangers Can Kill You. You Know What? Just Stay Home, OK?

    This blog was posted from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!!

  • Canuck Commenter PantsFan||

    I suppose they recommend we hand out floss instead of candy?

  • ||

    I always loved the one house that would give apples or pears instead of candy. Let me tell you, an apple will go through the single-pane bedroom window of same homeowner a lot easier than a thing of Smarties.

  • Apatheist||

    And the people who hand out granola will burn in a special place in hell because its not hard or tasty.

  • ||

    I'm not sure whether people who hand out granola bars would be in the bolgia of the swindlers or the bolgia of the evil counsellors.

    Or maybe the bolgia of the false prophets.

  • WWNGD?||

    As soon as I saw "CPSC" I thought Communist Party.... of South Carolina"

  • ||

    Warty, you're a member of the CodPiece Society of Clevelard, aren't you?

  • DDavis||

    And No Fun! Fun is distracting, and could contribute to walking off a cliff.

  • ||

    I have an excellent macbook pro. I was sitting at the table reading something or other on the net, when I had to take a short recess. When I arrived back at said macbook pro, I discovered that my Jack Russell had hopped up on the table, hiked his leg, and claimed the computer as his own. The L, O, 0, and enter keys stopped working.

    I took the thing into the Apple store where I had to wait for my appt at the 'genius' bar, in spite of there being two 'genius's' who were not occupied. I dont think any of the geniuses had gone through puberty yet. When I explained to the 'genius' what had happened he began to test the computer by having me push the keys. He then plugged in a remote keyboard and again had me push the keys. I asked him why he didnt push them himself. He explained that they were not allowed to touch anything that had bodily fluids on it, in this case dog piss.

    I immediately said "Arent you lucky you dont work in a Vet's office!", to which he gave me a blank look. So then I rubbed my hands all over my computer, then all over his remote keyboard. I could see that inside he was squirming but trying not to let it show. What a fucking pussy. I wanted to smack his head on my computer and make him lick it.

    A company policy of not having employees touch anything that has bodily fluids on it. Hmmm. That would include just about every object on earth, and as for computers I imagine most have a wide variety of fluids on them.

    This kind of neurotic safety crap is creating a generation of pussies. Fuck the CPSC.

  • Canuck Commenter PantsFan||

    Was it covered under warranty?

  • ||

    Apparently spillage of liquids is not covered under warranty.

  • ||

    There's a Tony/rectal/SFbodily fluid cocktail joke in there somewhere, but, like the guy at the Apple store, I just can't put my finger on it.

  • GroundTruth||

    Note, I can attest to the fact that cheap red wine will NOT reduce the lifespan of your laptop if added in does smaller than a few teaspoons at a time.

  • Rich||

    He explained that they were not allowed to touch anything that had bodily fluids on it

    IIRC, finger perspiration is a "bodily fluid". How can the geniuses use their own machines?

  • MJ||

    And then there's the Connecticut State Rep who wants to make Halloween the last Saturday of October.

    http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/313335

    I don't know if it is funny or infuriating that this guy thinks that the government can have any real authority in when people actually celebrate Halloween, much less if it should have any.

  • Robert||

    I give bottles of my own formula bath foam (see link). Several sources have suggested giving bubble bath instead of edibles, but some people have told me that, irrationally, they would be more likely as parents to throw out bubble bath given to their children than they would edibles. Basically, the unusual is seen as dangerous, despite the efforts of do-gooders.

  • steve||

    30+ yrs ago I was spiderman for halloween. I wore an ill-fitting plastic mask, normal for that era. I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and bloodied my nose. and nothing else happened.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Then you had an anachronistic Andrew W.K.-portraying Spider-Man costume.

  • ||

    I loathe these people. There are fewer and fewer kids trick or treating--and those that do are limited to two or three hours.

    All because of these hysterical asses.

    May their eyes shrivel in their heads, to match the blackened hearts in which repose their dessicated souls. And may the pain of this torment them until they see the error of their ways.

  • ||

    Okay...but what if you consider "danger" to be a feature of halloween rather than a defect? Seriously...when I was 12, or 14, or 17 or 22, Halloween wasn't the same as Christmas. It was DANGEROUS. It was ADVENTUROUS. It held untold promise and untold consequences. There were women out there who wanted me...and others who wanted to fleece me or otherwise hurt me. I knew the score. So do millions of others out there looking for a great time this Halloween.

    The generators of this report not only have no clue about the draw Halloween has for most of us, but they should be rebranded as "Buzzkills R Us". In fact...they should be BRANDED with that on their foreheads and drummed out of their jobs. There isn't a single thing they had to say that sane people don't already know and include into their own calculations on how to have a fun and safe Halloween.

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