Are Parents Too Involved in Their Adult Children's Lives?

A recent Pew survey says parents are "very involved in their young adult children's lives," but one might quibble with the definition of "very involved."

"Parents Are Highly Involved in Their Adult Children's Lives, and Fine With It," declared the front page of The New York Times on February 9. "New surveys show that today's intensive parenting has benefits, not just risks, and most young adults seem happy with it, too."

Is that true, though? Perhaps it depends on what you consider "intensive."

The article discussed a recent Pew Research Center survey that included a rather large swath of young adults—people between the ages of 18 and 34, everyone from high school seniors to working stiffs googling "gum pain." Separately, it surveyed parents of people that age.

One of Pew's key findings was that "parents are very involved in their young adult children's lives." It judged this in part by the fact that 73 percent of parents say they text their kids "at least a few times a week."

If that's very involved, then I'm super involved with my sister, my friends, and my political discussion WhatsApp group (even though it drives me nuts). But I wouldn't say I intensively parent any of them. Texting is so easy and fast that texting family members "at least a few times a week" seems far more normal than excessive.

Then there's the fact that young adults "turn to their parents for advice at least sometimes on their jobs, finances and even their physical health." Wouldn't it be weird if they didn't? And a little sad? And how are they supposed to find a good periodontist?

I am on record as recommending that young kids do some exploring on their own without a communication device. That way if they get lost, or their bike chain falls off, they have to figure out what to do next. They can't just call a parent. I dearly want them to develop some problem-solving skills and independence. Childhood is the time to do it.

Then, by the time they're young adults, with any luck (truly a factor), they're resourceful and capable. But that's not the same thing as having a ton of resources or being capable of everything. So they turn to us, not because we're helicopters, but because we are happy to help.

Not every problem of young adulthood requires bootstrapping.

Ah, but the survey also found that many parents help out their adult children financially. They are more involved when the kids are 18–24 and less involved as the years go by. Is that intensive? Intrusive? Well, young adults are going to college in record numbers and racking up record college debt. I'm not actually sure that college is the best path for everyone, but at the moment it's still popular. Helping young folks get their financial footing doesn't strike me as being a destructive enabler. (Maybe because I've done it myself.)

I know there are some who think that any assistance after a certain age is coddling. But I actually think it's time to flip that.

Give them independence as kids. Let them play, explore, take some small risks without adults always supervising. They'll see that you believe in them. That helps them believe in themselves. You're there for them without overprotecting. I realize there are a lot of fuzzy lines, but basically, I'm talking about trust: You trust that your kids can handle some things. They trust that you're there for them when they can't.

That's the beginning of a nice relationship. Or, as my husband put it: "At some point, it's not the whole parent-child thing. It's just family."

That makes for a boring headline. But it's true.