TSA

The TSA Gets Cheeky After Confiscating a Toilet Paper Holder

Keeping America safe!

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The Transportation Security Administration made us all a little safer this week by confiscating a gun. The "gun" was actually a toilet paper roll, but surely that's just a small detail.

"How not to roll through a checkpoint…" the agency joked in a Thursday press release. According to the release, a passenger attempted to board a plane with a gun in his carry-on. But it wasn't just any firearm! This gun was actually a replica of a revolver, outfitted to, as the press release states, "spin toilet paper" instead of bullets.

The Associated Press reports that the passenger was given three options: to put the item in a checked bag, give it to a friend outside of the airport, or give it to the TSA. He went with the third option.

The TSA's website includes a list of restrictions on toy guns. While there is some leeway for fake weaponry, the agency prohibits "items that resemble realistic firearms or weapons." TSA officers also have the discretion to confiscate an item they believe "poses a security threat."

It is ridicuous, of course, to claim that a toilet paper holder—even one fashioned from an old and defunct gun—is a legitimate threat to national security. It's about as dangerous as a drag queen's fake boobs. But that didn't stop the TSA not just from seizing it but from patting themselves on the back for everyone to see. They can't help it. The agency rarely misses a moment to post its quirky catches on social media. Just a few weeks ago, it showed off a gun-shaped radio with captions to the tune of "Wonderwall."

Meanwhile, federal reports in 2015 and 2017 have shown that the agency misses the overwhelming majority of contraband smuggled onto planes. I hope the TSA is enjoying its latest catch. I wonder what it missed in the meantime.

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  1. What a shitty thing to do.

  2. This thing can hold a roll of upwards of 1000 sheets! Nobody but the military needs such high-capacity deadly assault toilet paper dispensers.

  3. The TSA doesn’t know who is an idiot or testing. People were traveling with bricks of Velveeta because it resembles plastic explosive. Still, they don’t have a way of labeling an idiot that isn’t testing. That toilet paper guy will probably be questioned each time he flies. I know one guy who shares the name of an IRA member that’s wanted and the kicker is that their brothers share names. Age is almost doubled though. They have to arrive extra early to take a flight. He was denied some prescreened check as well. He’s obviously not the guy they’re looking for.
    I’ve had a knee brace rubbed and test positive for something causing them to search me. On the way home the brace didn’t test positive and I didn’t use it the entire trip which lead me to believe it purposely gives false positives. It bugged me the entire trip what could have triggered the test because I’m a good boy.
    Random is effective as a deterrent though.
    I think the normal metal detectors and X-rays would catch everything dangerous. Throw in a sniffer doggy walked through the line and security is pretty tight.

    1. “I think the normal metal detectors and X-rays would catch everything dangerous.”

      To quote that great philosopher Robert Heinlein:
      “there is no such thing as a dangerous weapon. There only dangerous men.”

      1. Another RAH quote was basically “Any time a society is big enough to required ID’s, it’s time to move to a new planet”.

  4. I don’t think I know a single person that thinks highly of the TSA or its employees.

    1. Every TSA employee?
      all freedom hating democrats?

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  6. “The Associated Press reports that the passenger was given three options: to put the item in a checked bag, give it to a friend outside of the airport, or give it to the TSA. He went with the third option.”

    So the options are:
    1. Put it in a checked bag that you no longer have access to as baggage check in is before TSA screening.
    2. Leave the secured area and submit to a second screening.
    3. Surrender the item to the TSA because the first two options are meaningless.

    Government at it’s finest, you have no options but the one that WE want.

    1. The spinach can be administered orally or rectally – your choice!

    2. Government Almighty logic: (You ALWAYS have choices!)

      You do not HAVE to breathe! You can either:
      A) Breathe and live, or
      B) Not breathe, and not live…

      You do not HAVE to obey Government Almighty! You can either:
      A) Obey Government Almighty, or
      B) Not obey Government Almighty, and get the shit beat out of you, have ALL of your “guilty” property confiscated, have you and your dog shot to death, go to jail for 50 years (and then be blacklisted for the rest of your life), or ALL of the above!

  7. Could be the TSA agent was a Bernie Bro. Wont be much use for toilet paper holders if he wins.

  8. I want that.

    I have this gun shaped powered wine bottle uncorker. It actually works quite well.

    1. Time to start using TSA as a marketing arm. Have a quirky gun shaped tchotchky? A fake knife that sings Folsom prison blues? Carry it to security, get it on the TSA social feeds, see sales boom!
      Profit!

      1. Found it amazon $20 bucks.

  9. TSA are morons. I can’t bring my Swiss Army knife with the tiny 1 1/2″ blade with me, but my Pentel mechanical pencil, long (and pointy) enough to stab you in the heart, is just fine.

  10. (I can’t believe I’m about to defend the TSA, but….)

    The American people deserve the TSA. They screamed for it, begged for it, pleaded to something, anything to be done, but please, just keep me safe.

    Cowardice can be it’s own punishment sometimes.

    Personally, I’d like to see every TSA employee thrown in jail for a length of time equivalent to the total time he has wasted of every passenger he’s dealt with. After that he can write a thesis on the history and meaning of the Fourth Amendment. After that, maybe he can rejoin society. Maybe.

    1. “The American people deserve the TSA. They screamed for it, begged for it, pleaded to something, anything to be done, but please, just keep me safe.”

      Maybe people you know of, but I never heard anybody say anything at all like that.

      1. Following 9-11, and the imposition of all the new airport screening and other TSA bullshit, polls showed a large number (maybe majorities, but I am too lazy to look it up now) of Americans approved. Some of the same polls revealed that people who approved of TSA were also people who seldom or never flew or went to airports. Actual air travelers were not so approving.

        1. Given that humans live a finite number of hours, it’s not hard to show that TSA, through its delays, has caused more deaths than any terrorists ever hoped to do.
          This ignores the number of excess auto fatalities from those who now drive instead of fly (as do I between SF and LA).

  11. I, for one, sleep better at night knowing TSA is confiscating anything they can lay their hands on.

  12. from the dept of transporatation web site, 1 billion domestic passengers annually.
    Assume a mere 15 minutes per passenger, then that is the equivalent of over 28,000 years of life lost to TSA screening (or about 400 lifetimes). In reality people tend to pad their schedule with at least an hour, just in case. so that number could easily rise to 1600 lifetimes per year.

  13. Very appropriate as any image of a gun would cause a liberal to sh– themselves.

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