Basket of Aleppos, Moynihan's Porn, and Uncle Tom's Yeezys: It's the Best Fifth Column Ever!

Your favorite podcast throws a half-year birthday party by rocking 90 minutes on Gary Johnson, Ayn Rand, sex regs, and so much more

Kmele Foster

Ex-Reasoner Michael C. Moynihan, the third wheel (heel?) of The Fifth Column, pronounced at the close of this latest (and longest!) episode of the world's greatest podcast that it was our "best ever." Then again, he was drunk, and had spent much of the time just cold rambling about porn.

No really, good stuff here, on topics including:

* Gary Johnson's latest "Aleppo moment."

* Hillary Clinton's off-puttingness even when standing next to Donald Trump.

* The risible notion that a vote for not-Hillary is a vote for war, because Al Gore or something.

* California's ridiculous put-condoms-on-porn-dicks ballot initiative.

* Kmele Foster getting called "coon," "Uncle Tom," and worse for not jumping to conclusions about officer-involved shootings.

* Ayn Rand's great writing on racism and collectivism.

* Kmele's new Yeezys (pictured).

Go ahead and give it a listen:

Now, here are the places you can download, interact with, recommend to your friends about, write glowing reviews of, and submit your fan-art to, The Fifth Column: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, wethefifth.com, @wethefifth, and Facebook.

Comments

[Fist of Etiquette]

I listened to a few minutes on the drive to work today. Two things I learned so far: Foster is richer than the pope (and just as white) and Moynihan feels that Gary Johnson is dumb as a Trump.

[You Sound Like a Prog (MJG)]

NO SPOILERS

[Fist of Etiquette]

Also, they're planning to start charging for the podcasts.

[LynchPin1477]

Gary might be as dumb as Trump specifically on foreign policy, but his stupidity is of a far more benign quality.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Tell it to Moynihan. He's voting Hillary.

[LynchPin1477]

Goddam it Moynihan.

[Matt Welch]

That is not true, I am pretty positive.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Read between the lines, man. He likes his foreign entanglements.

[Citizen X]

Yeah, isn't he married to a Swedish woman?

[LynchPin1477]

Moynihan's a socialist. Really, what more evidence do you need?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Ha, for some reason he always seems like he should be.

[LynchPin1477]

It's the raspy voice. Victory Gin does that to you.

[paranoid android]

He strikes me as more of a "spends Election Day at a bar picking fights with anyone wearing an 'I Voted' pin" kind of guy.

[Fist of Etiquette]

THAT COUNTS AS A VOTE FOR HILLARY.

[Citizen X]

That actually sounds kinda fun.

[lap83]

We need to disprove the stereotype that evil people are always smart

[Citizen X]

Hillary's doing her best.

[HarrietKnight]

My last pay check was $9700 working 12 hours a week online. My sisters friend has been averaging 14k for months now and she works about 20 hours a week. I can't believe how easy it was once I tried it out. Go to this website and click tech tab to start your work... http://tinyurl.com/jtoj3r2

[Florida Hipster]

I assume Moyinham's porn is two Mexicans chicks drinking each other's blood in a coffin.

[Playa Manhattan.]

2 girls 1 coffin?

[Rhywun]

"That's a lot of dung!"

[Florida Hipster]

If I'm completely honest with myself...would watch.

[EDG reppin LBC]

Yeah. Me dos.

[commodious the plorable]

From Bust to Thong

[juris imprudent]

Nice alt-text there Matt.

[Florida Hipster]

Yeezy's are shoes? Why don't you just says shoes?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Would an Uncle Tom wear Kanye West's brand? I don't think so.

[Florida Hipster]

Yeezy is the brand? Huh? I've never come across those at Payless.

[Citizen X]

You are so white it's embarrassing.

[Florida Hipster]

I'm so white people always think I'm Ben Affleck.

[Citizen X]

You are so white, Eskimos have 17 different words for you.

[Florida Hipster]

That's good. Now I want to look up "so white" jokes but I'm afraid I'll end up in some dark places.

[Citizen X]

Get Crusty to do it for you.

[Florida Hipster]

It doesn't involve naked Bea Arthur's, so I doubt he'll do it.

[Citizen X]

Have you been on the internet? There's a better than even chance it DOES involve naked Bea Arthur.

[Rhywun]

I'm so white I buy sneakers that aren't ugly and for a reasonable price.

[Citizen X]

Etonics?

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

If you say you wear new balance, my image of you just went down the toilet.

[Rhywun]

Non-blinged Adidas, FWIW.

[MarkLastname]

I'm so white I wear my pants around my waste instead of my knees.

[Citizen X]

You poop your pants?

[timbo]

If kenye called them shoes, we wouldn't be reminded how retarded kenye is every 5 minutes

Its actually good for my kids to know what irredeemably stupid is.

[Florida Hipster]

* Kmele Foster getting called "coon," "Uncle Tom," and worse for not jumping to conclusions about officer-involved shootings.

I clicked the link. It just tells me who Kmele is.

[BiMonSciFiCon]

A sharp dressed man?

[Citizen X]

He is just a man - a man with impeccable taste and more money than God.

[timbo]

Kmele has rational, civil conversations about myriad topics and he believes in capitalism.

In America, that's grounds for execution and losing all your stuff.

[LynchPin1477]

Kmele has rational, civil conversations

He starts to, but he gets cut off a lot.

[You Sound Like a Prog (MJG)]

Does he have rational conversations? I don't know if we can say this, categorically. I think we have to remain skeptical about how many of his arguments are rational and not emotional.

[LynchPin1477]

I see what you did there.

[Gojira]

Why is it so hard to get a job for men who choose not to wear pants?

[Citizen X]

Fuckin' Obama, man.

[GILMORE?]

Kmele Foster getting called "coon," "Uncle Tom,"

Wasn't that like a month ago? Is this going to be an ongoing trauma to be re-explored every week?

You didn't let Zepps talk enough last time, imo.

[You Sound Like a Prog (MJG)]

I think this is from his recent appearance on a different podcast.

[GILMORE?]

Damn. So now its like a regular thing?

[GILMORE?]

Moynihan has his own show now? ABOUT F(#@($*()@ TIME

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

It was the only way he'd get a word in edgewise.

[Fist of Etiquette]

On HBO, so it might as well be public-access. Also, it's a daily show, which means it will last maybe two months.

[GILMORE?]

'Daily' as in, "during the AM', or "every day"?

I assume the former, and who the hell watches TV during the day?

(*disclosure = my work has had CNBC on 24/7 in the background for like 10 years but that doesn't count)

[Fist of Etiquette]

Latter. Apparently it's going to have new content every day.

[GILMORE?]

CONGRATULATIONS MIKE

Seriously, i'll tune into that (on the DL at work)

[Fist of Etiquette]

Well, it's HBO, so I assume it will be on several times throughout the day. I don't know how they're going to pull it off. I don't think HBO has ever has a daily news (or anything) show before.

[LynchPin1477]

Then again, he was drunk, and had spent much of the time just cold rambling about porn.

Moynihan just needs to dive into the commentariat more often. It's not like he has a real job.

[Florida Hipster]

He can take only so many "effete Dracula" jokes.

/sorry. I'll stop now.

[Citizen X]

Wait a minute. Michael Moynihan... Mike M... holy shit.

[$park? is totally a Swifty]

Did he refer to the other guys as Fatt Belch and Cameltoe Forest?

[Florida Hipster]

Lol.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Doesn't he work for Vice now? If so, I suspect he'll be on a Zodiac talking about Global Warming for the rest of his career.

[Citizen X]

+1 Sangamon Taylor

[LynchPin1477]

Doesn't he work for Vice now?

For a while it was "affiliated with Vice" or some such thing. After a while it switched over to "works for Vice", but I'm not convinced that Kmele isn't just trying to make him feel better.

[Ken Shultz]

Dicks out for Aleppo!

[$park? is totally a Swifty]

Anyone who buys Kanye Dickbag's products explicitly endorses everything Kanye Dickbag says and does.

[Ken Shultz]

Who's this Kanye Dickbag, and what's he say and do?

[Fist of Etiquette]

You do realize Foster is simply overcompensating after that guy on the twittersphere told him his voice sounded white.

[Citizen X]

You know who else engaged in race-related overcompensation?

[Crusty Juggler]

Marty Funkhouser?

[butt-head]

Kanye?

[butt-head]

I'll endorse one thing he does: his music.

The rest is irrelevant.

[Crusty Juggler]

This was a tremendous podcast. One point for Matt: if you want everyone to like you as much as we like Kmele, you should probably just agree with Kmele all the time.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I rely on each other them to put each of the others in his place. It's checks and balances that actually work!

[Crusty Juggler]

Oh sure, that is part of the show's excellent dynamic. But if Matt wants to be as universally beloved as Kmele he should just always agree with him. It's simple.

[GILMORE?]

WTF *are* Yeezys?

(looks)

http://www.adidas.com/yeezy

Oh. neoprene sneakers? are they especially comfy? they seem like they might get dated very quick

[MarkLastname]

Neoprene? Do they at least keep your feet dry when it's wet outside?

[GILMORE?]

Neoprene doesnt keep anything dry. Its porous. Its basically a very-strong open-cell-sponge sort of material.

Wetsuits work by keeping a layer of warmed water close to the body.

[GILMORE?]

Gary Johnson, Moynihan calls "Dopey" (*no double-entendre intended AFAIK)

I confess = the resemblance is striking

[GILMORE?]

- Moynihan (paraphased) = "why is it we *(libertarians) never get any candidates [who aren't retarded] (out of the large pool of smart libertarian professionals)"

- Kmele (paraphrased) = "Viable candidates need to have experience in Govt to be credible"

yeah ok. I get that.

I still think Moynihans point needs a better answer.

I think its more that "being guaranteed to lose" (which running as a libertarian basically is) isn't attractive to people who actually 'do politics' professionally.

matt more or less says something like this just after their exchange.

[Crusty Juggler]

A buffoonish businessman would not normally have a chance at the presidency, but maybe that is changing, and if that is the case I could see a successful libertarian-minded businessperson run and do well in the near future.

[GILMORE?]

A buffoonish businessman would not normally have a chance at the presidency,

I think there have actually been a few of them prior to trump. But - to your point - most had at least spent 1 term in office in some other state/city, or head of govt agency

http://www.bankrate.com/financ.....ent-2.aspx

[paranoid android]

I liked the suggestion of Deirdre McCloskey, not only because (based on what I've read of her stuff) she's super smart and articulates her ideas well, but watching the yokels' and progs' heads collectively explode would be pretty entertaining.

[GILMORE?]

These guys really need a "talking pillow" (*breaking bad reference) or maybe a Conch. (*Lord of the Flies reference)

I think "conch" should be in wider use. It was a thing when i was in highschool. whenever you wanted to get a word in to a verbal scrum, you'd go, "I GOT THE CONCH" and it would actually work. Everyone read LotF freshman year so it was fresh in people's minds.

[GILMORE?]

re: the Gary Johnson bashing...

...I think Dave Smith still made one of the most accurate (and funny) critiques here. I can't stop mentioning it.

Its a style thing which suggests he's not only "not very invested in his own ideas", that he's just not very invested in *anything*.

[GILMORE?]

Moynihan is right that debates are not about policy or even the real content of what people say. its just a marketing opportunity where someone either "improves their image", or "hurts their image" via some snappy remarks.

[paranoid android]

Is there anyone that disputes this? Going back to the very first televised debates in 1960, JFK "won", but damned if anyone can remember anything that was said, it's all about how he looked all cool and collected on TV and Nixon was a flop-sweat mess.

[GILMORE?]

Is there anyone that disputes this?

I don't know. The media approach to them is to still pretend someone "Won", when there's no actual winner-takes-all consequence (where only 1 person can possibly benefit, and 1 lose)

Its entirely possible for both to improve their image, or both to hurt their image, or neither to do anything at all. Yet no one acknowledges this

[Ted S.]

Now, here are the places you can download, interact with, recommend to your friends about, write glowing reviews of, and submit your fan-art to, The Fifth Column: iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, wethefifth.com, @wethefifth, and Facebook.

Is there an RSS feed?

[SparktheRevolt]

http://fifthcolumn.podbean.com/feed/

Probably pointless to link that there since this comment section doesn't give alerts. if, for some odd reason, you come back and check, there it is. I have it stored in my Feedly account and it works.

[SparktheRevolt]

http://fifthcolumn.podbean.com/feed/

Probably pointless to link that there since this comment section doesn't give alerts. if, for some odd reason, you come back and check, there it is. I have it stored in my Feedly account and it works.

[GILMORE?]

I appreciate Matt pointing out that Gore was the hawkiest of the democratic candidates for president since... oh, who's the current one? her.

Gore would without question have gone after Iraq after 9/11. Would he have invaded? who knows. But he'd have made "regime change" in Iraq just as much of a WoT priority that Bush did. Everyone in DC was obsessed with "what to do about Iraq" before 2000 and people forget how much of an open-ended problem it was in the late 1990s.