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Clown Scare

Cop Issues Warning: 'If You Run Around in a Clown Suit, You Should Probably Expect for Citizens to Beat You'

Professional clowns fear profiling, vigilantes.

Jesse Walker | 9.28.2016 1:30 PM

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Large image on homepages | Filmverlag der Autoren
(Filmverlag der Autoren)
Bozo for President

We have reached the stage of the Great Clown Panic when real clowns have started to worry about profiling. In Johnstown, Pennsylvania, the Cumberland Times-News reports, "members of the Classic Clowns Club have been alarmed by news reports in which police have asked anyone who sees a clown to call 911. The troupe members often travel in costume, and worry that, if someone notices a van full of clowns and calls the police, they could end up in legal trouble."

It isn't an absurd thing to be worried about. I mean, it is an absurd thing to be worried about, but unfortunately a lot of people are being absurd. The scare has reached the point when police agencies—in this case, the Tennessee Highway Patrol—are tweeting things like this:

THP says watch for clowns trying to lure children in to the woods. They are possibly predators. Call 911 or *847 pic.twitter.com/7AaEOj4WuE

— TN Highway Patrol (@TNHighwayPatrol) September 24, 2016

In a subsequent tweet, the highway cops acknowledged that the photo wasn't actually taken in their state, explaining that it was "circulated via social media." They failed to add that it was not, in fact, a picture of "clowns trying to lure kids into the woods"; nor did they note that no one since this scare began has corroborated a single account of a clown trying to lure a kid anywhere. Instead they said they were "promoting awareness."

Even when the authorities try to tamp down the rumors, they sometimes do it in ways that could reinforce the scare. In Putnam County, Florida, the sheriff's office announced this on Facebook:

Facebook

Filmverlag der Autoren

It's good that they let people know the sightings weren't real. But Putnam County is not "clown free." There are professional clowns who work there. I hate to be literal-minded about what was probably intended as a lighthearted post. (Even cops like to clown around.) But given the kinds of things that other officials have been saying, maybe the sheriff's office should think twice about how it puts things.

When I use the phrase "things that other officials have been saying," I'm not just referring to stuff like the Tennessee tweet. In Paw Paw, West Virginia, the Cumberland Times-News reports, Police Chief James F. Cummings posted notices around town warning people to expect a violent response if they don the joker's garb. "If someone sees you dressed like this they have the right to defend themselves," the announcements said. "It is not normal for clowns to be running around like idiots all year long. I will stand behind anyone who feels they need to protect themselves from these so-called clowns. So, to sum it all up, if you run around in a clown suit, you should probably expect for citizens to beat you (for their own protection), then get arrested by police."

So what's a harlequin to do but go into hiding? In Oakland, Maryland, the Times-News informs us, members the Ali Ghan Shrine Club's clown unit are "giv[ing] some thought about laying low for a while." The Shriner-clowns are still doing daytime events, but they have withdrawn from one nighttime parade and are thinking about dropping out of another. "With all this stuff going on," one of the clowns told the paper, "we decided not to go to Hagerstown for a parade at night."

Elsewhere at Reason: For more on the clown panic, go here, here, and here.

Bonus link: Wikipedia on the Evil Clown of Middletown.

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NEXT: Think Government Surveillance Is No Big Deal? Talk to These Victims of Police Stalking.

Jesse Walker is books editor at Reason and the author of Rebels on the Air and The United States of Paranoia.

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  1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

    Juggalos hardest hit.

    1. albo   9 years ago

      And, boy, should they be.

    2. MadisonWhite   9 years ago

      I Make up to $90 an hour working from my home. My story is that I quit working at Walmart to work online and with a little effort I easily bring in around $70h to $86h..Go to this website and click tech tab to start your work.Visit this web... http://tinyurl.com/hygs5jl

      1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

        On Yoohoo sales to Juggalos?!

        1. Florida Hipster   9 years ago

          Faygo sales.

  2. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

    Crusty hardest hit.

  3. Mongo   9 years ago

    No different than the Minneapolix clown cops arresting zombies for carrying a 'simulated WMD' in the form of a beat-up boombox with wires protruding from it.

  4. Hugh Akston   9 years ago

    Act like a clown and you'll be treated like one.

    1. Bill Dalasio   9 years ago

      Nah, Hugh. We're all pretty kind to you.

    2. Los Doyers   9 years ago

      Clowns are normally beaten on sight? Huh

      1. UnCivilServant   9 years ago

        What hellhole do you reside in where they are not shunned like the freaks that they are?

        1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

          Baraboo, WI

    3. gaoxiaen   9 years ago

      Clem Kadiddlehopper has a sad.

  5. B.P.   9 years ago

    "...a van full of clowns..."

    What happened to the tiny car? They've really let themselves go.

    1. Citizen X   9 years ago

      Do you know how many clowns can fit in a van? It's gotta be 200, 250 clowns, easily.

    2. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

      Not even a clown would be seen stuffing himself into the new prius.

  6. C. S. P. Schofield   9 years ago

    Now, if we could just extend that to people dressed up as stuffed suits......

    1. Sevo   9 years ago

      Leave politicos out of this!

  7. Fist of Etiquette   9 years ago

    Why are we worrying about regional clowns when we have a couple of national ones to deal with?

    1. albo   9 years ago

      I already call the presidential race The Clown versus The First Wife.

      1. Citizen X   9 years ago

        That sounds like the title of an Italian action film.

  8. DEATFBIRSECIA   9 years ago

    Does this taste funny?

  9. Citizen X   9 years ago

    If being a threatening clown is grounds for a beatdown, i know some presidential candidates who should be worried.

    1. Florida Hipster   9 years ago

      The police officer also went on to say "If you get raped while wearing a skirt, your ho ass had it coming and expect police to arrest you for prostitution."

  10. Crusty Juggler   9 years ago

    I thought ENB was Reason's Senior Clown Correspondent.

    Patch Adams cured sickness using the power of laughter, and I'll be damned if some Internet hoaxers and stupid police chiefs try to deny me the power of healing sickness using the power of laughter.

    1. Mongo   9 years ago

      Please refrain from using 'Patch Adams' and 'laughter' in the same post, C-Juggs.

      1. Crusty Juggler   9 years ago

        Laughter cured my uromysitisis.

        1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

          *chuckles* Merely a placebo, Monte Crusto. You were born without a urethra, and must urinate from that flower on your oversized lapel. This is widely known.

          1. Citizen X   9 years ago

            Also his feet really are that big.

            1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

              That's from the gout and fluid electrolyte imbalance. Monte Crusto tried curing it with,"Positive Thoughts," and, "The Sound of Children's Laughter."

              His results are about as good as Michael Landon's, and Eugene Horowitz had *MUCH* better hair than our own Count of Monte Crusto.

        2. RBS   9 years ago

          Before or after your father was released from a Red Chinese Prison?

  11. Bill Dalasio   9 years ago

    The Shriner-clowns are still doing daytime events, but they have withdrawn from one nighttime parade and are thinking about dropping out of another. "With all this stuff going on," one of the clowns told the paper, "we decided not to go to Hagerstown for a parade at night."

    Given that the Shriners are generally doing their schtick to raise money for charity, that sucks. Authorities acting like imbeciles stop charitable work yet again.

  12. Gojira   9 years ago

    So Reason constantly decries state abuses of power, and then also decries when the state abdicates it's power to private citizens.

    Look, either fucking back the blue, or don't bitch about citizens beating up clowns without legal authority.

  13. The Last American Hero   9 years ago

    I know it conflicts with my views on justice, but oddly enough, I don't have a problem with people beating up clowns.

    1. Inigo Montoya   9 years ago

      So all that NAP stuff doesn't matter to you?

      Sure, if a clown job-buzzes me with a lot of volts, squirts me with an acid-containing lapel flower, or beats me with a fabric bag, Homey-the-Clown style, then I can beat him up.

      But why should I be the one to initiate force when the clown hasn't attacked me? I'm not some frightened cop.

      1. R C Dean   9 years ago

        The NAP doesn't apply to non-humans. So curb-stomping a clown is A-OK.

        1. Bob2   9 years ago

          Curb-stomping Anyone is ok if you're a cop.

  14. The Late P Brooks   9 years ago

    When in doubt, assume the worst. Then, panic.

    1. kinnath   9 years ago

      If you can keep a clear head while all those around you are panicking, you probably have no fucking idea what is going on.

      1. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

        Look, if I see people running for the exits, I'm going to crawl over everyone else (women and children included) to make sure I get there first.

        1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

          +1 throat punching a nun

          1. Chipwooder   9 years ago

            which calls to mind this classic exchange from Used Cars....

            RUDY: Cmon, Jeff, you've seen how bad business is. We had nun; nuns, protesting in front of the dealership this morning.

            JEFF: Nuns?

            RUDY: Yeah, I had to get Jim to turn the fire hose on them.

            JIM: And I knocked them motherfuckers on they asses, too!

  15. Crusty Juggler   9 years ago

    I'm more concerned about couple of clowns acting currently like presidential candidates.

  16. Gojira   9 years ago

    Is the big take away from this story for anyone else the fact that there's actually a place called Paw Paw, and of course it's in West Virginia?

    1. IceTrey   9 years ago

      The paw paw is North America's largest indigenous edible fruit. It tastes like a cross between a banana and a kiwi. WV is in the middle of its range.

      1. Raven Nation   9 years ago

        Well, shoot. I was thinking of the pawpaw which is the name given to papaya in other parts of the world. Did not realize there was a distinct paw paw fruit.

        1. waffles   9 years ago

          The more you know

      2. Tonio   9 years ago

        ^This. Thank you. It tastes like mango to me, but YMMV.

        1. RBS   9 years ago

          Nineteenth-century American agronomist E. Lewis Sturtevant described pawpaws as

          ... a natural custard, too luscious for the relish of most people[15]

          Ohio botanist William B. Werthner noted that

          The fruit ... has a tangy wild-wood flavor peculiarly its own. It is sweet, yet rather cloying to the taste and a wee bit puckery ? only a boy can eat more than one at a time.[5]

      3. gaoxiaen   9 years ago

        Also known as the Indiana banana.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asimina_triloba

    2. Zeb   9 years ago

      Way down yonder in the paw paw patch.

    3. Raven Nation   9 years ago

      Yep, that caught my eye too. I have trouble believing that paw paws could group anywhere in WV.

    4. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

      AHEM!

      http://www.city-data.com/city/.....inois.html

      1. Gojira   9 years ago

        That's why my family left Illinois for Kentucky when I was 3 years old. Because of that.

        1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

          I thought it was the outstanding warrants for pubic indecency...

          1. Gojira   9 years ago

            Shut the fuck up, HIPAA mother fucker!

        2. robc   9 years ago

          My next door neighbor growing up was from Paw Paw, IL. He was born in 1899, so might be a bit older than you.

      2. Scarecrow & WoodChipper Repair   9 years ago

        *widens gaze*

        and head splits in two, trying to keep one eye on WV and the other on IL.

  17. mashed potatoes   9 years ago

    Nothing about the veto override to sue the Saudi's?? I am really surprised this happened.. what am I missing that the Deep state/National security state wasn't able to push congress to the "correct" position?

  18. Agile Cyborg   9 years ago

    Invasion of the fucking shiver culture. The clown parallel strikes appropriately during this election carnival. Fucking barkers are threading queer needles with suburban anxiety.

    1. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

      *holds up card*

      8.9

      1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

        *scowls at Paul and holds up 9.2*

        C'mon - "threading queer needles with suburban anxiety" ...gold medal.

        1. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

          Think of me as the East German judge.

          1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

            Not nearly enough testosterone.

  19. Crusty Juggler   9 years ago

    Smokey Robinson saw the future.

    1. Ted S.   9 years ago

      He wanted to cruise away from here....

  20. Curt   9 years ago

    "So, to sum it all up, if you run around in a clown suit, you should probably expect for citizens to beat you (for their own protection), then get arrested by police."

    Sadly, I don't think Chief Cummings is saying that the citizens would be arrested for beating a clown who posed no threat. Instead, I think he is saying that they harmless clown should expect to be arrested after being beaten.

    I hate clowns as much as the next guy, but when police are basically advocating the vigilante beating of people in clown outfits... seriously, wtf?

    1. The Grinch   9 years ago

      I don't know if this is so much a threat as it is a warning or a statement of fact. For whatever reason people have lost their damn minds.

      1. Gojira   9 years ago

        Telling them that they'll be arrested after they are beaten is definitely a threat.

        As it should be. Fuck those people. As the cop says, it isn't normal. Society is destroyed when people who are Not Normal are allowed to walk around unbeaten. You know in what alternative universe this country doesn't have any of the problems we have today? The universe where everyone looks and acts like a high school football player or cheerleader from Iowa in 1953.

        1. kinnath   9 years ago

          pleasantville

        2. Hugh Akston   9 years ago

          Whoa whoa, but they still have darkies sweeping up right?

          1. Gojira   9 years ago

            No. I'm describing a perfect world, so no darkies. In that world, after the Civil War, they either sent them all back to Africa or killed them all or whatever. So there's no one to vote democrat in big blocks and no CRA and America stands tall and righteous over the world.

            1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

              I'm describing a perfect world, so no darkies. In that world, after the Civil War, they either sent them all back to Africa or killed them all or whatever.they either sent them all back to Africa

              Nonsense. Nobody was forcibly "sent"; Marcus Garvey merely succeeded in his "Back to Affica" endeavour. Get it right, Jimbo.

            2. Hugh Akston   9 years ago

              So no gay wedding cakes because all the gays married ladies like they're supposed to, and no nazi cakes because the nazis all got killed in the war.

              1. Gojira   9 years ago

                Except for the scientists. We needed them to beat the commies to the moon. The moon is also white, I might add.

              2. Diane Reynolds (Paul.)   9 years ago

                No, no Nazi cakes because we don't salute the Red White and Black.

              3. Gojira   9 years ago

                ...all the gays married ladies like they're supposed to...

                Or just stayed as "confirmed bachelors" their whole lives. Look there's nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts about other men. I do, constantly, all day, think about sucking my boss off and having him fuck me in the ass. Like, I think about it to the point of distraction, and I'm sure everyone else can attest to similar feelings.

                But acting on it makes you a sick degenerate freak. If you can't put it in the chicks like God intended, then don't put it in anything, QED.

                1. Hugh Akston   9 years ago

                  Jimbo, as usual your moral clarity is a beacon to us all.

                2. WTF   9 years ago

                  I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

                3. bacon-magic   9 years ago

                  Suck ass.

                  1. gaoxiaen   9 years ago

                    Suck ass. That reminds me.

                    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKy_gLPZFzE

                4. R C Dean   9 years ago

                  I do, constantly, all day, think about sucking my boss off and having him fuck me in the ass.

                  Sounds like you're what the C-suiters call "management material".

        3. Curt   9 years ago

          Biff Tannen for President!!!

        4. Heroic Mulatto   9 years ago

          Society is destroyed when people who are Not Normal are allowed to walk around unbeaten.

          +1 Millennial "cringe" video

          1. Mr. Dyslexic   9 years ago

            I bet that Red Bull Chick sucks a mean ass dick!

    2. Zeb   9 years ago

      Am I the only person in the world that actually likes clowns?

      I mean, I don't like it when they get in my face and try to get me to humiliate myself in public, but I can appreciate what they are doing if they are any good at it.

      1. Curt   9 years ago

        Clown-sympathizers will also be beaten and arrested!

        * I don't actually hate them, but I certainly wouldn't say that I like them.

      2. Mike Schmidt   9 years ago

        "Am I the only person in the world that actually likes clowns?"

        Yes

      3. mad.casual   9 years ago

        Am I the only person in the world that actually likes clowns?

        *C*lowns? Or clowns?

      4. Brett L   9 years ago

        If they're so good, why do they wear a mask?

      5. Glide   9 years ago

        A friend of the family growing up was an award-winning clown, so I have no fear of them and some confusion about what people's deal is, but I wouldn't go with "likes clowns" either.

      6. Chipwooder   9 years ago

        I'm fine with clowns.

        Mimes, on the other hand.....

        No, seriously, when I was a kid I thought clowns were funny enough. Laughed at them when I went to the circus. This whole "clowns are evil" schtick became a stupid trend, basically.

        1. mad.casual   9 years ago

          No, seriously, when I was a kid I thought clowns were funny enough. Laughed at them when I went to the circus. This whole "clowns are evil" schtick became a stupid trend, basically.

          I think part of the reason Homey D. Clown was so funny/popular is because clowns, as clowns, have no idea how to act as adults with adults. I don't particularly recall being scared or hating clowns as a kid. I do recall, around the age of 5 or 6, that they stopped being funny. Since that time, every interaction with a clown has been exceedingly annoying. Doubly so for mimes. I have no problem with them as long as they're annoying other people (assuming they don't induce a police state), but then, that still kinda definitively puts them in the 'asshole' category.

      7. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

        Am I the only person in the world that actually likes clowns?

        Not at all, Zeblulon. In Eastern Europe, especially Slavic countries like Russia, UKR, and Belarus, being a kloun is a noble, culturally-honoured, profession. Circuses and travelling carnivals are still very popular here, and my son has no fear of clowns at all. Even my very young daughters like fotos of clowns (object permanence has now set in), and Dr. ZG is of the opinion that coulrophobia is a uniquely ridiculous Western concept.

    3. MikeT1986   9 years ago

      It takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?

  21. The Grinch   9 years ago

    So we're scared of Goddamn clowns now. Just when I thought the idiocy level had leveled out this happens.
    Stupidest. Panic. Ever.

    1. Sevo   9 years ago

      Dunno. Did you catch the 'trigger warning' about bones in Archeology class?

    2. loveconstitution1789   9 years ago

      They will get Top men on a new domestic surveillance program to hunt down these clowns and send them to prison for supporting terrorism.

      Clowns=terror

    3. Curt   9 years ago

      In other news, Idiocracy is returning to theaters.

    4. Chipwooder   9 years ago

      There was just the absolute dumbest one of these in Richmond. Some idiot driving down the road was terrified of someone in a clown outfit WHO WAS RIDING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR. Seriously. She takes a picture and sends it off to the local CBS station because apparently she's proud of being a complete fucking idiot.

      Punch line - it was a 12 year old autistic kid who got a clown costume for Halloween and was wearing it everywhere because he was excited.

      http://wtvr.com/2016/09/28/creepy-clown-sweet-son/

      1. Azathoth!!   9 years ago

        He wasn't wearing a 'clown costume'.

        He was wearing a Pennywise costume.

        There IS a difference. Though his mom thinks it was 'sweet', he was, in fact, trying to be a creepy clown.

        He WANTED to scare people.

        And he did.

        Let's not take that from him..

  22. Domestic Dissident   9 years ago

    OT: Block Insane Yomomma overridden by the Senate for the first time in an overwhelming and humiliating 97-1 vote in support of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, with the despicable lowlife Harry reid providing the only "No" vote.

    The House is expected to follow suit later today, with a similarly humiliating, overwhelming vote, as even Nancy Pelosi says she plans to vote Yes.

    1. UnCivilServant   9 years ago

      Harry isn't running for re-election. So he didn't have to pay attention to the optics on this one... or any other

      1. Free Society   9 years ago

        He wears an eye patch because his optics are already bad.

    2. mashed potatoes   9 years ago

      As I mentioned above, I feel like I am being tricked or something.. the congress, especially the Senate, never goes against the interest of the larger state apparatus.. why did the senate feel so comfortable doing this??

      1. Free Society   9 years ago

        Probably so Obama can save face with the Saudis. "Sorry guys, I tried to cover up your involvement in mass murder."

        1. R C Dean   9 years ago

          Obama's gone in a few months. Who gives a fuck what he thinks?

          34 Senators have to face the voters in a month or so. Upholding the veto would provide their opponent a fabulous ad buy.

      2. Domestic Dissident   9 years ago

        Not sure. Maybe because they know Trump is winning, which means they know that the majority of the American people are fed up and have just about had it with them?

    3. Heroic Mulatto   9 years ago

      Block Insane Yomomma

      *sniff*

      Our long, dark night is over. Mike M. has made a full recovery, ladies and gentlemen. Mike M. is back!

      1. Gojira   9 years ago

        GET IT? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT'S HOW STUPID POOR DEMOCRAT NIGGERS TALK.

        1. Heroic Mulatto   9 years ago

          Can you believe that one of them even tried to read a book once?

          1. SugarFree   9 years ago

            In a car, no less.

          2. bacon-magic   9 years ago

            I heard books are harder to come by than guns in those people's certain neighborhoods.

  23. Ska   9 years ago

    Fucking kumquats.

  24. mattcid   9 years ago

    I don't often dress up for Halloween but Creepy Clown sure is tempting this year.

    1. Florida Hipster   9 years ago

      I'm going as Colombo. All I need is a googly eye and trench coat.

      1. R C Dean   9 years ago

        I've been going as a lawyer for years. Always scares the kids.

  25. juris imprudent   9 years ago

    The mime conspiracy succeeded! But you didn't hear about it from me.

    1. UnCivilServant   9 years ago

      Text on the internet doesn't make a sound...

      Are you a Mime JI?

    2. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

      *narrows gaze, silently*

  26. juris imprudent   9 years ago

    The mime conspiracy succeeded! But you didn't hear about it from me.

    1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

      From the squirrelz, rather?

      1. juris imprudent   9 years ago

        Do you have any idea how difficult it is to eavesdrop a mime conversation?

  27. widget   9 years ago

    Unless you want to romp around naked you dress to a fashion. The late David Bowie was very aware of this. Not so much with the lyrics from the money-making hit song "Fashion" but from his earlier album "The Man Who Sold the World": "We're painting our faces and dressing in thoughts in from the skies..."

    http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics.....erall.html

    Everyone dresses the way they do for a reason. To fit in or stand out, or stand somewhere in between.

    1. Heroic Mulatto   9 years ago

      You're going to infuriate a lot of people with that argument.

    2. Free Society   9 years ago

      I look forward to David Bowie's next tour.

      1. Wasteland Wanderer   9 years ago

        I hear he got Lou Reed to open.

  28. Ken Shultz   9 years ago

    What does Hillary plan to do about the Creepy Clown menace?

  29. Robert   9 years ago

    "If someone sees you dressed like this they have the right to defend themselves,"

    By dressing even worse?

    1. Swiss Servator   9 years ago

      +1 defensive leisure suit

      1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

        Don't laugh, the ones from the late 60's- early 70's are nigh indestructible. I hath seen many here, even to this day, sported by old timey, Soviet-era types, still crisp with crease and wrinkle-free as ever.

        1. Brett L   9 years ago

          Nigh on indestructible unless exposed to open flame, in which case they melt and then ignite causing horrible burns.

          1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

            *sigh*

            Must everything be prefaced with a /SARC tag?

            As an aside, that's why we exported so much polyester to the Soviets, figuring if we couldn't outright nuke 'em, the intense heat from the blast would melt Soviets' clothes if they were a within the heat convection of the blast radius. Do I need to place a /SARC tag here, as well?-D

  30. The Fusionist   9 years ago

    I've been Googling but couldn't find an anti-mask law in Pennsylvania, which would presumably the angle they'd have to use to go after clowns who are simply walking around.

    These guys apparently couldn't find a relevant PA law, either.

    (caution to clowns - I'm mentioning these things as part of a public-policy discussion, not advising you whether you're safe to conceal your face in Pennsylvania. Consult a Pennsylvania attorney, or have the Clown College's legal Clownsel give you an opinion)

    1. Gojira   9 years ago

      A few cops have already said they're going with the "public disturbance" or "public nuisance" angle.

      1. The Fusionist   9 years ago

        As I say, be sure to obtain the advice of Clownsel.

    2. Art Stone   9 years ago

      Does face paint count as a mask?

      Does body paint count as a swimsuit?

      1. The Fusionist   9 years ago

        Throw 'em in the pool and find out.

        /just a joke

    3. CZmacure   9 years ago

      Clown College's legal Clownsel

      1. CZmacure   9 years ago

        Apparently Reason's comments will preview an emoji comment, but then not display it.

        :joy:

  31. Brett L   9 years ago

    If I see a clown trying to lure my kids into the woods, I'm going to send the kids. Otherwise, he might try to grab me, and fuck that.

    1. mad.casual   9 years ago

      Probably best just to burn the woods to the ground, just to be safe.

      1. Brett L   9 years ago

        Is it private property? Because you really shouldn't be destroying someone else's property for just one clown.

        1. SugarFree   9 years ago

          There is never just one clown. They travel in packs, like wolves or teenage girls.

          1. Brett L   9 years ago

            You don't need to fear teenage girls, they don't view you as prey.

            1. SugarFree   9 years ago

              I'm more afraid of an ambush makeover than anything.

              1. Groovus Maximus   9 years ago

                I wouldn't worry, they'll just sexually assault you by holding you down and conditioning your hair. Apparently, split ends are a trigger for these roaming bands of pubescents*. They only wax-manscape you if resist...

                *A group of pubescents is properly referred to as, "A hormone of pubescents," and is not sex-specific.

            2. Chipwooder   9 years ago

              Have you ever been forced to sit in a room with a bunch of teenaged girls and had to listen to them? If you had, I guarantee you that the sound of a teenaged squeal would send shivers down your spine.

    2. AlmightyJB   9 years ago

      "I'm going to send the kids"

      Knee cap a couple to get a head start

  32. The Heresiarch   9 years ago

    Send in the clowns. Oh wait, they're here.

  33. Ceci n'est pas un woodchipper   9 years ago

    To be fair, walking around Hagerstown at night dressed as pretty much anything but a strung-out meth addict is not that great an idea.

  34. Juice   9 years ago

    Cops have no room to talk about anyone in a silly costume.

    1. Brett L   9 years ago

      At least the ones wearing shorts. I don't give a shit that you're on a bike or a beach. Wear fucking pants.

      1. Citizen X   9 years ago

        +1 Lt. Dangle

      2. Zeb   9 years ago

        On a bike there might be an excuse. But I guess they could wear those weird pants with the tight cuffs. Or tuck their pants into their socks.

  35. Cynical Asshole   9 years ago

    Even cops like to clown around.

    Ugh... This truly deserves a Swiss Servator style *narrowed gaze*.

    I think I have the solution to the clown problem: government licensing of clowns. Only officially licensed and regulated clown will be permitted to dress as a clown. /sarc

    The sad thing is, if someone hasn't proposed this "solution" already, I'm sure someone will. And actual clowns will support it because it puts up a barrier to entry. It's got everything: a government solution to a non-existent problem, cronyism, and expanded opportunities for LEOs to extract revenue from citizens and/or throw them in a cage (I'm assuming that dressing as a clown without a license will be a citable offense at least). Win-win-win.

    1. mad.casual   9 years ago

      Even the SJWs will be pleased when a drag queen is mistaken for a clown and they can lament the oppression that normies don't have to go through.

    2. DarrenM   9 years ago

      Only officially licensed and regulated clown will be permitted to dress as a clown.

      Or run for public office.

  36. colorblindkid   9 years ago

    Clown Lives Matter

  37. Inigo Montoya   9 years ago

    So the Sheriff of Putnam County, FL says, "We are committed to keeping our community crime and clown free."

    I guess that means no campaign rallies or stops by Hillary or Trump, then! And Florida is supposed to be an important swing state.

    1. Chipwooder   9 years ago

      Clownenrein?

  38. GILMORE?   9 years ago

    Professional clowns fear profiling

    There is something sort of awesome about that sentence

    what this needs is one of those 'celebrity advocacy videos in black & white', where they bemoan statistics like, "only 1 out of 10 clowns is a pedophile-serial-killer... yet 7 out of 10 clowns say they've been treated like a suspect at some point in their careers..." and "Fact = Clowns are 57-times as likely to be purposely run over by a trucker if seen on the side of the highway at the dead of night..."

    STOP THE CLOWN-STIGMA

  39. Sonoran Desert Rat   9 years ago

    Don't fuck with Patches the Clown

  40. AlmightyJB   9 years ago

    If I'm hiking through the woods and this guy pops out all bets are off. He best start his clownsplainin' pretty quickly.

    http://www.unilad.co.uk/crime/.....-in-woods/

  41. Art Stone   9 years ago

    Kids should start luring clowns into the woods for waiting parents.

  42. GroundTruth   9 years ago

    You couldn't have made this stuff up 20 years ago, no one would have believed you.

  43. Uncle Jay   9 years ago

    RE: Cop Issues Warning: 'If You Run Around in a Clown Suit, You Should Probably Expect for Citizens to Beat You'
    Professional clowns fear profiling, vigilantes.

    I really don't know where to start here.
    1. Clowns in our country have been around since 1783 running and ruining lives, so you would think everyone in this country would be used to them by now.
    2. If you're afraid of clowns, then don't dress up like one.
    3. If clowns bother you, stop watching the presidential debates.
    4. If you are disturbed by clowns, then don't vote for a republican or a democrat.
    5. If clowns make you wet your pants, buy some depends.
    6. Don't attend or join a circus.
    7. Stop reading National Review, the Progressive and the New Republic if you don't like clowns.
    8. See a psychiatrist.
    9. Get a life...please!

  44. Suthenboy   9 years ago

    "If someone sees you dressed like this they have the right to defend themselves,"

    Since I don't even know where to start with this I will just mention that my opinion of humanity drops yet again when I didn't think that was possible.

  45. Longtobefree   9 years ago

    Anybody else see the irony in those comments by the "town clown"?

  46. Rational Exuberance   9 years ago

    'If You Run Around in a Clown Suit, You Should Probably Expect for Citizens to Beat You'

    Should we count police uniforms as "clown suits" for the purposes of this official statement?

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