Voting

An Open Letter From the GOP to the State's Criminal Class

A. Barton Hinkle takes McAuliffe up on the challenge of earning the votes of ex-felons

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Large image on homepages | jamelah/flickr
(jamelah/flickr)

McAuliffe to GOP: 'Quit complaining' and earn ex-felons' vote

   —Politico, April 24

Dear Friend,

I am writing to congratulate you on the restoration of your voting rights. As someone who has been on the receiving end of the law, you understand better than any of us the critical factors that should be considered by those who write it.

That is why I am encouraging you to cast your ballot for the Republican Party in this year's elections and help us stop Hillary Clinton.

In 1994, Clinton's husband Bill signed a crime bill that:

  • Created 60 new death penalty offenses;
  • Revoked Pell Grants for inmates pursuing higher education;
  • Made membership in a gang a federal offense;
  • Authorized 100,000 more police officers; and
  • Imposed the infamous "three-strikes" law for repeat offenders.

Friend, I don't need to tell you what effect this law had on millions of individuals just like yourself. Yet Hillary praised that bill for locking up violent offenders "so they never get out again."

Later, as Secretary of State, Hillary spearheaded the Merida Initiative — "an unprecedented partnership between the United States and Mexico to fight organized crime."

Is this the kind of person you want as President of the United States?!?!

Me neither.

And we don't need some cell warrior who sells wolf tickets from the Oval Office, either. We need a straight-up shot caller with the keys who can handle his business — someone like Donald Trump. Check it: One time, dude got a state government agency to take an old lady's house so he could build a limousine parking lot. (Some wack judge stopped them, tho, and ain't that a load of b.s.?)

Friend, Republicans understand what life is like for prison inmates. Heck, some of them have been prison inmates! A partial list includes former Illinois Gov. George H. Ryan (fraud and racketeering), former Arizona Rep. Rick Renzi (corruption), Randy "Duke" Cunningham (bribery, fraud, tax evasion), and White House fixer G. Gordon Liddy (Watergate). Many more would have gone to prison too, if they didn't have slick lawyers and friends in high places.

Still, I don't expect you to get in our "car" without getting something in return. That ain't how s— works, inside rails or out in the world. You ain't nobody's punk, amirite?

Friend, we are going to fix you up. Aryan Nation, Nuestra Familia, Black Guerrilla family — it doesn't matter. We got your back.

First off, we are going to give you a ride to the polls on Nov. 8. And I don't mean a converted school bus with chicken wire on the windows and Cameron Poe for a seatmate, either. I am talking about a double-decker Greyhound with reclining seats and air conditioning. There will also be a spread of baked fish, cat heads, hot Ramen noodles, coffee, sweet tea, and wham-whams.

Second, if you will support the GOP financially or through an in-kind contribution, we will send you a token of our appreciation.

  • For a donation of two books of stamps, we will send you a binky.
  • For a carton of bats, we will send you a shiv.
  • For two or more cartons, you will receive a quart of pruno or a lock-in-a-sock. Your choice!
  • If you dry-snitch primo 411 on the Democrats, we will send you a bindle of tuchie (K2).
  • And if you molly-whop a Democratic poll worker, we will send you a custom-made shank individually autographed by former Gov. and Sen. George F. Allen himself!

Real talk. We're not playing.

Friend, can we count on your support this November? Please signify your assent by sending a kite — use the enclosed stamped, self-addressed pledge card — as soon as possible.

Sincerely Yours,

This column originally appeared at the Richmond-Times Dispatch.