DARPA Unveils Latest Military Tech Weapon


With DARPA's newly created "Cranial Response Online Weapons Network" (CROWN), you too can lead the executive branch and get instant access to U.S. military resources, without the need for congressional oversight!

Reason TV producers Meredith Bragg and Austin Bragg were the masterminds behind this hilarious April Fools' Day parody.

NEXT: Can Healthy Fast Food Change Eating Habits in Watts? This Chef Thinks So.

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  1. DARPA? More like DERPA, amirite?

    1. Every time I read that I think “DARMA” and hope that someone’s down in the bunker, pressing the key at the right time….

      1. Um, there was an ENTER surrounded by carrots before the word “key” above. Apparently, Reason’s squirrels do not approve. I’m now aware…

      2. YES!! I hope it’s Hurley.

    2. Did the Braggs do the Koch Institute ads? Theyre pretty funny too.

  2. What the fuck did you just fucking say about DARPA, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit about DARPA over the Internet? Think again, fucker.

    1. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” video was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

      1. HM, looks like you’d have a great career writing spy, ex-CIA agent, ex-military daring- do novels.

        1. I am not so sure, creech, I’ve read that “channeling” can only take a writer so far before imaginative derring-do dissipates.

      2. Yea? I will assume my ultimate form and fucking wreck you. Do you know who I am? I am going to eat your fucking face and shit it out into the gutter.

      3. What HM just wrote is pretty close to “How Every YouTube Comment-Thread Argument Ends

        1. Or “begins”

          1. i’ve seen variants before.

            i’ve also seen actual real people behave like that. Channels like this are riddled with tards

            1. The link dates it to 2010 on 4chan. I could have sworn I first saw this around 2007 if not earlier

    2. gorilla warfare

      Worthy of John!

    3. I am trained in gorilla warfare

      Easy there, Tarzan.

    4. Eric Dondero is that you?????

    1. “This is more head than I have given Bill over our whole marriage.”

    2. “Looks like my urine sample, don’t you think?”

    3. Every single picture I’ve ever seen of Hillary or Obama with a glass of beer looks like they’ve never had one in their hands before.

      1. Drink.

      2. See CMW @ 7:47…


        Never try to imagine either of them with a bottle of beer.

    4. “I’m here at the Pearl Street Brewery only because I heard this is where Bill got that necklace for Monica. But beer too! Gotta love this country.”

    5. “You dumb fucks think I want the be here. You’re a fucking embarrassment to humanity.”

      1. Ooooo. Complete with laugh track.

    6. Drink enough of these, and vote for me and I’m still too horrible to have sex with.

    7. This will go straight to my cankles!

    8. 1 hag, 2 cups

  3. If only DARPA could build the Navy a functional ship.

    1. FTA: The news about the Fort Worth’s mishap comes after the next ship in the class, the Milwaukee, suffered a breakdown at sea about 40 miles off the Virginia coast on Dec. 11 and had to be towed in to Little Creek, Virginia during its delivery voyage from the shipyard at Fincantieri Marinette Marine in Marinette, Wisconsin.

      Yeah, no way is it a boondoggle building naval ships in Wisconsin. That makes perfect fucking sense.

      1. What is the St Lawrence Seaway for $200, Alex?

      2. You want those Canucks to have Naval superiority on Lake Superior?

        And Lake Michigan! It’s a two freshwater sea front!

      3. My first reaction was to wonder how a littoral ship ended up in Singapore.

        But I guess they sail across deep ocean even if they’re not meant to operate in it

  4. OT: “This ground, on which patriots’ blood puddled on that 20-degree morning, has been scandalously neglected by New Jersey. Now it is being vandalized by the Institute for Advance Study, which has spurned a $4.5 million purchase offer ? more than $1 million above the appraised value ? from the invaluable Civil War Trust, which is expanding its preservation activities to Revolutionary War sites.”

    Read more at: http://www.nationalreview.com/…..eds-saving

    1. Patriots huh?

      Guys rebelled and violently overthrew their designated rulers, broke up a *nation-state*, and we, for some reason, call them ‘patriots’ instead of ‘terrorists’.

      1. Winners write the histories.

    2. Allow me.

      This ground, on which patriots’ blood puddled on that 20-degree morning, has been apparently spending the ensuing two hundred and thirty-four years as an empty field. Now it is being put to use by the Institute for Advance Study, which has declined a $4.5 million purchase offer. Despite a generous $1 million above the appraised value – from the Civil War Trust, which is expanding its preservation activities to Revolutionary War sites – the trust was unable to convince the owners that their needs could more productively be filled by keeping the empty field and empty field, instead of putting it to the use the owners had intended for it.

      1. It’s going to get awkward when my Revolutionary War reenactment group goes charging down the hall, firing our rifles and shouting at each other.

        1. Muskets, not rifles. Sorry.

          1. Just remember to refill the coffee pot when you use the last of it, and don’t leave empty little Keurig cups all over the counter. Even in historic times, they still had manners.

            1. Keurig

              Damned Hessians won out in the end

    3. Will is over dramatic at times. And he’s a sucker for nostalgia.

      The erecting of monuments to the Revolutuonary War dead means nothing if we do not respect the ideals that they fought to preserve. Since this place is located in New Jersey, those ideals are well and fully forgotten.

  5. Govt to encourage old people to move to the countryside.

    Despite that downside, a 44-year-old self-employed woman from Nishitokyo, Tokyo, said the area was rich in foodstuffs. “This location is relatively close (to Tokyo) if you use a shinkansen bullet train and so I will think (of Oak Field) as a possible home for my parents who are in their 80s,” she said. “I want to live here in the future, myself.”.

    1. 300 miles is relatively close? Chrono-cleansing. The mayor is threatening to draft the able-bodied resettled elderly to participate in the annual gentian harvest.

      1. 300 miles is relatively close?

        That’s only about an hour of travel by bullet train. Hey, we should build one here–maybe California?

  6. Artist. Imagines what Donald Trump looks like naked: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/…..fac124222e

    Warning: Ew.

    1. “Trump Tower? More like Trump Cottage.”

    2. Doubt Hillary would look much different from the shoulders down.

    3. His face is still the ugliest part of that picture. Why does he always have that expression? Why?!

    1. Looks like it sucks. I’d like to see one loosely based on the St Alban’s Raid

      1. By “loosely” you mean “portray the raid, but give the team a hot chick, plus a black guy whose slave relatives are being held hostage in Richmond to make him go along with the raiders, plus a bank robber doing One Last Job,” I might watch it.

        1. The St Alban’s raid was kinda the first professionally-planned bank robbery. Which fell apart upon execution, just like in a good caper-movie.

  7. Florida man caught in park having “American Pie” style sex with a deep dish pizza.

    1. Only Florida Man, or perhaps Illinois Man, would fuck a casserole like that.

      1. Take a look at the link.

  8. “In the wake of a decision by University of Iowa officials to open two prayer rooms for Muslim students, one atheist organization ? not affiliated with the university ? is responding with legal action.

    “The group, Freedom From Religion Foundation, argues that Iowa’s decision is unconstitutional because it violates the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment by aiding one specific identity group. In addition, the FFRF is requesting that the University remove the Latin cross from the alter of the non-denominational chapel on campus.”

    1. I like the comment about how “this is why religion has no place in politics”
      The implication being that politics is some inherently noble, pure institution and religion just pollutes it and causes people to kill each other. Because no secularist regime has ever promoted genocide. Nope.

  9. Needs moar phallic.



    1. Man, I’m glad you’re commenting regularly again. Got my write-in for you come November. Fuck the haters.

  11. Headline of the week: Brussels Terror Suspect Shot By Police Had Sack Full Of Testicles

    A suspected terrorist who was shot in the leg by police last month in Brussels was carrying a backpack filled not with explosives but rather rotting animal testicles and feces, authorities revealed yesterday.

    Prosecutors suspect the man intended to use the contents of his backpack “to poison food supplies, or to create a deadly concoction aimed at spreading fatal diseases,” although they added that laboratory tests proved that the mixture “could at no time have been used to make a biological weapon.”

    1. You know who else has a sack full of testicles?

      1. Well… not Hitler.

  12. You know, I’m looking at this, and I’m trying very hard, but I’m finding nothing that doesn’t make civilized society look like a damp sack of fainting pussies.

  13. I just got paid $4520 working off my PC. CA05. If you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $5k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. Why Not You also try this..

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  14. I just got paid $4520 working off my PC. CA11. If you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $5k her first month.W It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. Why Not You also try this..

    Start HERE— http://www.alpha-careers.com

  15. Guess who’s not a bot – this guy! Wooooo Reason at 3 AM! Who’s still here with me?

    1. Juggalo WHAT!!!

  16. OT: It “is now beyond dispute” that correlation is causation.

    1. What is considered healthy, safe sex?

      1. You can use the feather or the whole chicken, as long as it’s GMO-free

  17. Are you single tonight? A lot of beautiful girls waiting for you to http://goo.gl/HSraLI

    1. Oh my! When did this start begin to rear its ugly head? Don’t these silly advertisements know you all can afford to sate your lust with broken orphans and high end femme bots?

  18. Good morning my artful dodgers!

    On the docket today: smoking a 12 pound turkey. Brined for 24 hours in sea salt, brown sugar and mild spices, injected with my homemade liquid rub. Cut up a red delicious apple, place inside turkey, shove a quater stick of salted butter up its ass, another in its neck, and one more stick melted and mixed with salt and pepper plus applewood based dry rubon its skin. Then place in a stone smoking pan.

    After your smoker reaches 250 degrees, begin feeding the coals with 1/3 apple, 1/3 cherry and 1/3 hickory chunks. When your smoker reaches 275 degrees, put your turkey inside, breast side down.

    Continue to smoke your turkey breast side down for 1 and a half hours, then open your smoker lid. Drain any excess juice at the bottom of the pan into an oven safe pan and keep warm at 185 degrees in the oven.

    Flip the turkey so that can more evenly distribute the coverage of the smoking process another 2 hours.

    Wrap the turkey once the internal temperature reaches 165 degtees and revert back to briquette coals until its internal temp hits 180 degrees.

    Pull from smoker and let rest for 1 1/2 to 2 hours.
    Pull it apart the same as you would a pork shoulder, then pour the excess juice that’s been warming in the oven over your pulled turkey. Make sure to save about 6 oz your juice so that you may mix with your favorite poultry centric bbq sauce.

    Serve with your favorite sides, enjoy.

    *A Black Butte Porter is my constant companion for the day*

    1. injected with my homemade liquid rub

      Euphemisms, abstract etc.

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