Reason Weekly Contest: The Microaggressions of Harry Potter
Last week's winners revealed.


Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:
An academic is angry at J.K. Rowling for "culturally appropriating" Native American myths. Come up with the name of the next offensive Harry Potter sequel or spin-off.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "HARRY" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, March 14. Winners will appear on March 18. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: After a right-leaning Claremont College student was told to read a series of social justice articles, including "Heteropatriarchy and the Three Pillars of White Supremacy," we asked you to name another article possibly on his reading list.
THE WINNER:
"I'm Ok, You're a Cis-Male Genocidal, Patriarch-Supporting, A**Hole" -- Walter Hayes, Hartsdale, NY
SECOND PLACE:
"I'm Okay; You're Europhallologoheteroplutopatriarchal" -- David Edmondson, Washington, D.C.
THIRD PLACE:
"Shut Up and Listen" -- Tom D, Phoenix, AZ
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"The Founding Fathers of Hegemony: Why the First Amendment is a Tool of the Oppressor" -- Lauren Rodriguez, Brooklyn, NY
"The Y-Chromosome's Billion-year Oppression of the Cell Nucleus." -- Dick Nimmons
"Clinical and Medical Uses of Political Correctness as a Depressant" -- Joyce Farrell, Wautoma, WI
"Why Strict Adherence to the Orthodoxy Is Essential to Tolerance, Diversity, and Inclusiveness"
"Strategies to Prevent White Men from Stereotyping" -- David Edmondson, Washington, D.C.
"A Case Study of Grammatical Sexism in English: Why Social Justice Sounds Better in the Original Gender-Neutral German" -- Free Society, Commentariat, OH
"White Guilt For Dummies" -- Ed Perovic, Winnetka, IL
"One Feelings, Two Feelings, Red Feelings, Blue Feelings" -- Tim, Mahwah, NJ
"Latent Cisheteropatriarchy: Why your existence is oppressive and how you can atone for your crimes." -- Richard Bradley, Fredericksburg, VA
"It's Not Prejudice If We Do It: A History Of Social Justice In America." -- Charlie Mike
AND FROM THE COMMENTS:
"Cis-heteroshitlordism in The Modern Academic Setting: A Holistic Case for Extinction"
"Breaking Down Barriers in a Cisheteronormative Society"
"Male Gaze, You're Doing It Right Now"
"Face It, You'll Always Be A Racist"
"Can I Get Some Muscle Over Here? - A Guide to Press-Academia Relations"
"Green Eggs and You're a Racist Ham"
"Rethinking Gulags: Safe Spaces Ahead Of Their Time"
"Snow White and the Seven Pillars of Heteronormative Racist Oppression"
"Pinocchio: Why he had to lie in order to smash the patriarchy"
"Heteropatriarch vs. MechaHeteropatriarch"
"Mental Dams. Safe Conversations for a Safe Community"
"I Said I Wanted a VENTI Skinny Latte: A Social Justice Warrior's Guide to the Workplace"
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Harry Potter and Vote he Cast for Trump
Harry Potter and the Yellow Peril
Wasn't that already the fifth book? 4th?
Harry Potter and the Unchecked Privilege
^This
Seconded
Harry Potter and The Lazy Mexican.
Harry Potter and the Objective Nature of Reality
Nice.
Harry Potter is A Trump Supporter
Harry Potter and the [redacted] [ableist slur] [instance of cultural appropriation]
Harry Potter and The Lack of Consent.
Polyjuice potion does bring up the debate about rape-by-deception.
From what I hear, the series is jam packed wall to wall with unfortunate implications and easily abused items.
The main villain is hinted (or maybe it was even said explicitly, I don't remember for sure) at being so evil because he was conceived via rape (the witch mother forced the non-magical father to sleep with her via love potion).
And there are instances of the girls in school using love potions on the boys around them, even including 2 of the "heroes" selling them as part of their business.
I'm going to guess "Ethics and Morality" are no part of the curriculum.
It would be less the method of conception and more being raised by someone who would do that (and is thus herself evil)
He grew up in an orphanage because his mom died during childbirth. The character in the book who talks about it is pretty firm that it's the conception that was the problem and he's one of the most knowledgeable people in it (though it's never confirmed elsewhere in the book that this theory is correct).
Sexual consent is all sorts of fucked up in that series.
This was in the Modern Era UK before the NHS fucked them over, why did she die in childbirth?
Harry Potter and the Pipe of Peace
Harry Potter and The Religious Bakery
No shopping there for Dumbledore!
Bakeries don't sell old creepy dudes, so that's a given.
Harry Potter and the Diamond Merchants of Gringott's
Harry Potter and the Pound of Flesh
I kept trying to come up with some, but mixing two boring tastes (social justice and harry potter) hasn't resulted in an interest polarity flip.
Though...
"Hermionie couldn't hack it - why one know-it-all studied 'magic' instead of Engineering"
She was bossy, too.
How DARE you call a strong woman bossy!
I mean, she's so strong it will scare her away from leadership - for life!
Harry Potter and the Gate of Gamers.
Harry Potter and the Gate of Gamers.
This gets at least a bronze.
That was quality, right there.
Win
Harry Potter and the Head Shrinkers (Actually about African Animist Magic)
A prequel to "Harry Potter and the Cannibal Combatants"?
Make it Cannibal Corps and you've got a winner.
You're right, that does work better.
I thought head shrinking was a South American thing, like Amazon basin tribes.
Not the Zika virus?
*too soon*
Harry Potter and The Peeled Oranges.
Explain.
Harry Potter Titty-fucks Melissa Click with a Knife.
Harry Potter and the Ginger Troll
Harry Potter and the Magic Negro
+10
Harry Potter and the Myth of a Holocaust.
Harry Potter and the Othering of the Shaxns. (I was going to say shamans, but that's probably sexist)
Wait, there's a whole series of novels about "wizards"? Why not Kleagles and Kludds, too?
And what's with the preoccupation with wands?
Well, it is a British Boarding School...
And it's always about finding spells to change people - into mice, dogs, etc.
Why can't we accept people as they are? Why do we have to change them?
How do you know these aren't actually Trans-animals being liberated from their oppressive human forms?
Sirius was definitely trans, I think the others were just passing. NTTAWWT.
Really. Female wizards should have magical velvet gloves!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Sensitivity Camp
Noone in a sensitivity camp is a prisoner, they are just involuntary guests!
They just don't know they want to be there voluntarily. It's part of the, er, education. But they're already wrongly educated so they may have to be re-educated.
Avolitional residents!
Harry Potter and the Evangelical Conversion
Harry Potter and the Easily Offended SJW.
Somewhat relevant
(caution - naughty language)
Harry Potter and the Withdrawal Method
Harry Potter and the never-divorced man/woman married couple who use only Natural Family Planning so that they won't have over 5 or 6 children.
Harry Potter and the Traditional Family?
Too much room for weasel definitions of "traditional."
Harry Potter and the Useless Degree
Bk 1: Harry Potter and the Squaw's Tomahawk
Bk 2: Harry Potter and the Secret Safe Space
Bk 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Patriarchy
Bk 4: Harry Potter and the Drinking Skin of Fire-Water
Bk 5: Harry Potter and the Mixed-Race Token Middle-Manager
Bk 6: Harry Potter and the Death of the Bill of Rights
Horny Potter and the Sorcerer's Daughter
Doesn't that already exist?
Does it? I just remember hearing about it back in the day (2001).
I applied a default Rule 34 assumption.
Nothing a little harmless GIS can't settle...
Geographic Information System?
That was my first thought, but it doesn't fit in context.
Google image search, you old crones. *does the opposite of shaking a cane*
That would be eye-rolling, LD.
I'd read that.
"Government Work and You - Why a Hogwarts Graduate will never make it in the private sector"
Harry Potter [isn't that enough cultural appropriation from hirsute sculptors?]
No, they may be white.
Totally. Body hair is most prevalent among europeans, much less so among africans and east asians.
Harry Potter among the Redskin Savages
Oh, he's among Washington fans?
That's what I meant, of course.
Do not steal from Elspeth's husband.
Harry Fucking Potter and the Annoying Cunt
No, that sounds like a feminist blogger.
^Winner
Honorable mention! You can all eat shit!
Hxxxy Pottsperson
Harry Potter Reveals that His Books are A Bunch of Christian Allegories Like Narnia.
Too long and not terribly snappy.
Much like the Chronicles. And Eddie.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood President
too soon?
I laughed
Damn.
Zing!
Lord Voldemort Establishes an Abortion Clinic But Harry and Hermione set up a Crisis Pregnancy Center and drive the abortion clinic out of business
Granger Gets a Gun: When Magic is not Enough.
Would "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood", technically, be already taken?
Harry Potter and the Red Meat Diet
Harry Potter and the Spit-roast of Regret
I lolled out loud.
Harry Potter and The Unscarved Muslim Chick
Or
Harry Potter and Prisoners of Rotherham
Prisoners of Rotherham. Definite winner.
Two of mine made the cut.
I'm so going to party tonight.
Those don't sound like book titles
It ought to be, if it describes the kind of parties Rufus goes to.
Hermione and the Whomping Willow (an Evil Dead crossover novel)
Harry Potter and the Aztec Sacrifice
Harry Potter and the Wand of the Patriarchy
Harry Potter: Making Myrtle Moan
Harry Potter: Harry gets a House Elf
Harry Potter and The Bloody Potlatch
(no idea what it's about but sounds promising)
Rupert Grint and The Cloak Of Irrelevence (nonfiction)
Harry Potter and the Case for Common Sense Wand Control
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Harry Potter and the Common Core Curriculum
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Harry Potter and the Annoying Ass Fucking Spambot Who Should Go Fucking Die Already
Who in the fuck is going to download software from or transmit personal info to a service that was advertised by way of spambot? (rhetorical)
And that's what *I* thought until my sister started making $1000 a day on the Internet, click here for more...
Of course, by that time her computer had more viruses than she did...
10 Ways To Naturally Enlarge Your Penis
...
am I doing it right?
Fuck the books, when do they release Hermione Granger in The Hogwarts 500? Hopefully costarring Luna Lovegood and Jenny Weasley-Potter
Wouldn't that be a race, like on brooms?
Not in a perfect world.
Michael Hihner and the 91% Rejected Label
YOU BULLY YOU!
Harry Potter and the Unwitting Victims of Cultural Appropriation Who Need the Help of the Privileged But Don't Realize it Due to Citizens United and the Koch-fueled White Cis-heteronormative Patriarchy, Part 1.
Harry Potter Goes to Vegas (Harry Hears a Ho)
Followed by:
Potter and the Piker Pit Boss Pimp.
Oops, wrong slur.
Harry Joins the EDL
Harry Potter and the Missing Alt-text.
Perhaps "Invisible Alt-text" would be better.
Sounds more wizardish that way.
But that implies it exists.
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Participation Trophy
Harry Potter and the Case of Fire-Water. Featuring Johnny Depp wearing a historically accurate bird on his head.
Dolores Umbrage and the Immanentized Eschaton
Harry Potter And The Crippled Kike Faggot
"How dare you make fun of gays and the disabled!"
/SJW
::golf clap::
Hermione Granger and the OWL of SJW
Harry Potter and the Turkish Bathhouse
Harry Potter and the 1%
Harry Potter and the Great Wall of Mexico
Harry Potter and the Nude Selfie
Harry Potter and the Gendered Bathroom
John Kluge and the Fucking Half-Wit
Harry Potter and the Whispering Eye
Man that's rich as a cream duck sauce.
God, I wished I hadn't missed last weeks.
"I am white, and I am ashamed: the courageous, true story of a girl becoming a woman, and discovering herself."
Harry Potter and the Final Muggle Solution
When Harry Met Caitlyn
Harry Potter and the Chicken of General Tso
Harry Potter and the Transgendered Skinwalker
Harry Potter and the Dreamcatcher of Tir Na Nog
Harry Potter and the Sweatlodge of Karma
The Actress Who Played Luna Lovegood and My Face
Harry Potter and the Congressional Appropriation
(Features log-rolling instead of Quiddich.)
Harry Mudblood and the Death Eaters of Mizzou
Harry Potter and the ISIS stones.
The death of Harry Potter as he is stoned to death for practicing sorcery contrary to Sharia Law.