Watch Comedian Ed Helms Eviscerate Rolling Stone in Awesome UVA Graduation Speech

'A rolling stone gathers no...'


Every day is a good day to mock Rolling Stone for its journalism failings, but University of Virginia graduation day is an especially good day. Thankfully, funny-guy Ed Helms rose to the occasion in his valedictory speech at UVA's commencement activities Saturday:

"It has been said that a rolling stone gathers no moss. I would add that sometimes a rolling stone also gathers no verifiable facts or even the tiniest morsels of journalistic integrity."

That's a great line, and Helms followed it up with a good point about the toll Rolling Stone's mistakes took on both the UVA community and legitimate efforts to reduce campus rape:

"Rolling Stone tried to define you this year. As a result, not only was this community thrown deep into turmoil, but the incredibly important struggle to address sexual violence on campuses nationwide was suddenly more confusing than ever and needlessly set back.

This community didn't fall for the fallacy that just because Rolling Stone was wrong everything here must be perfectly peachy. You all had the courage to understand you can be outraged at Rolling Stone and still ask yourselves hard questions: if sexual violence does occur in our community, do we have the best possible protocols and resources available to our students? And UVA is charging forward to answer those questions and you should be proud of that."

Sexual violence undoubtedly occurs on college campuses, though with less frequency and under different circumstances than some activists would have people believe. Universities should consider strategies to mitigate the actual dangers that college women face—which almost always stem from reckless drinking, and rarely involve the kind of psychopathic, ritualistic violence that Rolling Stone erroneously thought would make for a good expose on the subject.

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  1. This community didn’t fall for the fallacy that just because Rolling Stone was wrong everything here must be perfectly peachy. You all had the courage to understand you can be outraged at Rolling Stone and still ask yourselves hard questions: if sexual violence does occur in our community, do we have the best possible protocols and resources available to our students? And UVA is charging forward to answer those questions and you should be proud of that.”

    Yeah, let’s ignore the fraternity house getting vandalized and the willingness of the student body to completely ostracize innocent people based on a clearly fallacious story that no rational human being should have assumed was in any sense accurate.

    You’re doing great guys! Kumbaya, amirite?

    Also, Helms once again does what liberals always seem to do in this case – he says the real tragedy is the nebulous ‘set back’ to addressing sexual violence, a set back they can’t even prove exists. Screw the men who were the actual victims here. They never even seem to get a mention in these sorts of speeches.

    1. I caught that, too. Poor UVA, ever the victim. Pay no attention to the ham-fisted actions of the administration to immediately label all frats guilty and shut down any such activity for a time.

      1. C’mon guys. Robby is in the top 10 of hated right-wing misogynists over at Jezebel off of the rolling stone coverage. Let him have his fig leaf…..

  2. I wonder if Haven Monahan graduated this year?

  3. I feel compelled to say: boring.

    And what is Oberlin? Have I heard of it before?

    1. And what is Oberlin?

      Hitler’s capital, if he were Irish.

    2. Oberlin (the school and the town) used to be a haven for abolitionists, and they endured imprisonment in order to free a slave –


      but today the advanced contingent of students freaks out in horror at the existence of views different from their own.


      “Look, then, upon this picture…and on this!”

      1. “This mean person said mean things, and I had to go to a safe space!”

        “That’s nice, they sent me to a safe space, too – the penitentiary – for violating the Fugitive Slave Act.”

    3. It was once a university in Ohio. These days, it’s a bubble-wrapped playpen for Social Justice Warriors.


  4. So Soave is a fan of Funny or Die and Ed Helms?

    Insert reference to you-know-what….

    1. …Columbia Journalism School?

    2. Epic Rap Battles of History…

      Robby Soave


      Sabrina Rubin Erdely


  5. “Community, community, community, empowerment, courage, community…. protocols and resources, pride, outrage, community community community….”

    isnt college the place where white people talk about how horrible they are?

    1. and according to a study from the University of Illinois, microaggression can be as simple as a group of whites in a room when a black person walks in. True story; I’ll have to find the link.

      1. a link from the Champaign paper, which has a further link to the study itself.


      2. So a black person walks into a honky-tonk, and whips out his 12 inch pianist….

        1. I presume most people know the joke this is based on –


          1. To put it another way:


  6. That was painfully unfunny. So uncomfortable.

    1. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the video. The things robby highlighted were so stale and dull I was terrified about how much worse the rest must have been.

      commencement speeches are always a contest in “how much sunshine can i blow up your collective ass without excessive embarrassment

      I think it would be great if someone said, “thank you for you purchase, you can come and collect your $200,000 receipt now” and just dropped the mic.


      1. I didn’t watch the whole thing. I got the gist from the first 3 minutes. Just awful, complete with signaling, including a Rand Paul joke.

        Even the polite laughter was uncomfortable.

        1. It was courageously dull! “Let me kiss UVA’s ass in the speech, as per the contract stipulation.”

          Respect your elders, kids!

        2. polite laughter is like a bulldozer to the skull if you suffer with general anxiety disorder.

      2. I actually saw an excellent commencement speech given by Levar Burton at UMass Lowell yesterday.

        1. A great speech given by a golden god who moonlights as the world’s greatest living actor.

        2. ” an excellent commencement speech given by Levar Burton”


  7. you might think someone’s petard would be a bit uncomfortable but that’s what happens with a missing self-awareness gene.

  8. A commencement speech about rape? No thanks. I’d ask for a refund.

    1. There’s a bestselling novel based on such a speech.

    2. There’s a bestselling novel based on such a speech.

      “And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Spirit shall come upon thee, and the power of the Most High shall overshadow thee: wherefore also the holy thing which is begotten shall be called the Son of God.”

      That one?

      1. I was thinking about the novel where you fuck off.

        1. That’s not very novel.

          1. Nothing is novel when your face age is above 37.

            1. Speaking of face age, take a look at Steven Tyler. I saw an interview during beer time earlier with the girlfriend and we couldn’t place the guy. He looked like Johnny Depp with one of those bead curtains hanging where his neck is supposed to be. His facelift must have been done with a pneumatic press.

              1. You can’t blame gods that want to avoid anti-godding.

              2. His daughter seems to have turned out pretty good looking

  9. One could say that Ed grabbed Rolling Stone’s motherfucking leg.

  10. Saw Fury Road. Very enjoyable. I kept waiting for all that feminist social justice claptrap to take over the narrative and run it into the ground like I’d been promised, but instead you get a glimpse of what a feminist society would look like: aging hippies pushed by their own incompetence to the margins of civilization. But that’s not what the story is about. The story is about ways in which it’s possible to make a movie about long-haul tractor-trailer driving entertaining.

    1. dweebking perusals emanate furiously from the shattered cinematic shiverings of a man or boy or jesus fucking christ god forbid a ,…no, no woman… but that before pile of words of male bullshit cracking into the wide legs of that humongous cunt of flickering single frames flapping at least 32-64 frames per clit lick….. and all and so that stone of dweebs survived the imploding rockets of lava milfs and maybe my face is getting all surreal here… I might need to check back

      1. I’m going to have another couple drinks and check back on this comment.

        1. You’ll need a 4-way of blotter to understand that…

    2. Ya pretty much my take. And their ability to incorporate something from all 3 of the previous movies.

      There was no preaching, narrative, or agenda. Just straight up ass whooping.

      Although one complaint: they state they only have 2 rounds left for an SKS. Yet the last 20 minutes he has 2 full magazines on his vest. Just sayin

      1. Seriously, ***spoilers*** on the one hand you have a society made up of thousands of people living in utter penury off the scant goodwill of their feudal lord, but living, and on the other hand you have the agrarian feminist society pushed almost to extinction, with only a half-dozen left living, by the “poison waters” of the land they had cultivated. Explain to me how this can possibly be seen as a GRILL POWAH piece rather than a pretty humdrum, although excellently shot, casted, and cut movie about kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic outback. Eve Ensler’s contribution must have been just naming the band of grandmother warriors and generating some controversy for the film’s release.

      2. That’s precisely what I would expect from George Miller. I loved watching idiots proclaim that they weren’t going to go see the 4th movie in a series they almost assuredly love because one review claimed it had “feminist overtones”. As if Miller put any political shit in his other movies or ever indicated any type of tendency to preach at the audience.

        I figured that if any old, past-their-prime director could pull a good many-years-later installment out of their ass, it was going to be Miller. Spielberg utterly failed with Crystal Skull. Lucas…is a fucking retard. But Miller…Miller has always been solid. And he is one of the greatest action directors of all time.

        I’m going to go see it in a week or two, after any crowds die down.

        1. Movies are eye trips for the lost, man. All movies are shitty tired exertions of the barely alive or wasted and the billions of blocks of humans out there working at all the factories and government bureaucracies pay 10 bucks per to watch an hour or two of before or after dinner and they all go home and fall asleep to cheap beer and cable commercials. Hollywood is the most dick jacking monarchy ever conceived yet all the jizz that spurts lamelessly from their financial rackets is vastly over-rated because Hollywood is suburban whites and blacks with mundane million dollar houses over-looking shitty waves on billion dollar progressive beaches with brains that aren’t bright but knowing because when you’ve done a ton of drugs like me your brain looks different and so do your cocktails and glimmering eyes at parties when all the fucking coke pours from bags onto crystal counters and asses that are the best thing about the great life. Round, plump, female asses with cocaine in their cracks when you snort coke from the dimpling starfishes of lovely blondes and brunettes but everything else is way more redux that most would ever know.

          1. Seriously, is this just your routine brainstate or do you take something that puts you in loquacious conniptions? I’m in a constant state of mental constipation, and never am sure whether I’m dumb or just haven’t had a proper psychic laxative.

            1. When you snort coke from a pile of drunk blondes your face gets it, bro,…. man I do group sex bro,, I get hammered in old country ohio and stick my dick in rich girls boobs while their husbands jack off, secret society, man,… All religious except for me. and no fucking person will break into secret world cuz fucking tons of lovers isn’t illegal and it fucking should not be ever… fucking dumbasses in law enforcement though I know several cops that swing. hardcore swing but I never out a cop that swings, ever. A cop that worldly should be protected in my view.

      3. He attacked one of the pursuing vehicles, and obtained their ammo.

        Were you out draining your…

        1. That was for mr lizard.

  11. No thanks. I get the gist from the article and comments.

    Does no one point out that the SJW crowd doesn’t give a shit about campus rape, or are they just supposed to figure it out by looking at the results of their actions? Next week they will be at it again with some other angle or story and instead of being ignored people will get all frothed up again.

  12. Rolling stone needs to get the midnight raid and frog march treatment

    1. Rolling stone needs to figure out how to plant a spaceship in mr. lizard penis hole filled with 20 hungry space individuals and then stroke the mr. lizard cock suchly that said hyperadvanced technolody can launch from a lizard dick into outer space.

      I would stop planting bulbs and smoking pot and ingesting tons of bottles of great American craft beer for a second to watch that…

  13. “The Dwarf lives until we find a cock-merchant”

    HBO has captured the imagination of the nation.

    1. Cock merchants are dime a dozen in reason threads.

    2. Red Dwarf lives on in my heart, however. It’s cold outside…

      1. that was a verbatim quote from tonight’s GoT

        Apparently slavers want to sell Tyrion’s dick

        1. You will see more and more dumb shit like this. As the show purposefully rips itself from the plotline of the books, the “new”, show-only storylines have been stupider and stupider each week. They think they can write as well as Martin does…but they can’t. Not even close.

          1. His last book was such a load of shit that I’m glad they departed from it. Nobody needs to see page-long descriptions of what Tyrion eats for dinner committed to film because Martin can’t be bothered to move the plot along.

            My money is on the TV series writing a better ending to that story than Martin ever would have.

        2. Aphrodisiac? There’s been weirder…

          1. Dwarf Dicks are known for their magic powers in the East.

            I can’t comment on whether or not the show (GoT) is getting dumb because of its variance from the books or not, but it is certainly getting dumber and more desperate each episode.

            The kidnapping plots that started last week and then failed in tonight’s show were so fucking dumb they hurt.

            1. I can’t even follow any longer. I kinda kept up having listened to the entire series on audiobook back in 2013 (Roy Dotrice is a treat, he voiceacts each of the countless characters), but the latest season is unrecognizable. The red wedding reaction vids were priceless, though.

            2. It is completely and wholly the variance from the books. Every single thing that makes you cringe it’s so stupid has either been made up from whole cloth and is not in the books (Missandei falling for Grey Worm, Sansa marrying Ramsay, almost everything at this point) or has been idiotically modified from the books for seemingly no reason other than to suck more.

              This is the season where they are fully breaking from the books because they are approaching the hard line of “Martin hasn’t written the next one yet”. They have deliberately closed off and shut down a shitton of plotlines from the books, presumably to let people know they intend to go off in their own direction now, and are making up their own story.

              It’s just going to get worse.

              1. Sanda marries Rams….

                Wow. Okay. Yeah, no, I’m kinda glad I didn’t keep up.

              2. ” they are approaching the hard line of “Martin hasn’t written the next one yet”‘


                something i saw the other day said they had 2 more books to plumb.

                You’d think if the show and the books were tied at the hip, they’d be *advising* one another what direction to go in. or at least come to some general agreement about the end destination for the major characters.

                But it does seem (re: the show) like the walls are now covered in spaghetti.

              3. And Martin signed off on it, because they’re going to have the same ending.

                You know, it’s rather ridiculous to get so defensive about Martin’s “vision” when a) he had six years worth of writer’s block from book four to book five, and b) book five sucked because he had so many POV characters spread across so much geographic space that the plot barely progressed for the entire book.

                If you find the TV show so terrible, then don’t watch it. Go sit and wait for Martin to release book six in another year or two. Assuming he doesn’t get bored with it again and decides to write another Wild Cards book instead of ASOIAF. Then you might be waiting longer. Personally, I prefer the TV people because they aren’t wasting our time…and because I’d rather spend my reading time focusing on a series with a writer who doesn’t have catastrophic ADD.

                1. The problem with most serial fantasy fiction is that the hinted “ancient power” that is a looming threat is a great backdrop, but it quickly becomes a problem when the “coming threat” actually arrives.

                  Hints are always cooler that the vision revealed. Look at the “Lost” TV series. Or horror movies – shadows and half-glimpses of monsters are the best scares. Or the Matrix vs. the sequels. Or Star Wars ancient religions vs the prequels.

                  That is the problem of “Winter is Coming”. The hinted threat is much cooler than anything that could actually be written.

  14. So, Cy, is Fury Road a better movie if it’s set on Mars?

    1. Probably not what you meant by this, but it reminded me a lot of the better scenes from Riddick: the bleak landscapes, the vantage shots, the intimidating sense of scale and hopelessness. Special effects may not be doing much to humanize movies (a la Lucas’ crimes against his franchise) but they do a lot to dehumanize them.

      1. I never got around to asking this you the other day. But what was so terrible about the extended universe’s treatment of the force? Asking out of the completest ignorance.

        1. It’s just paltry and silly. When you can invent things on a whim and you invent (IIRC) a planet and a race that introduces the cast of baddies to your movies, it feels pretty disingenuous. Like if The Usual Suspects had ended with a cut to some other hitherto undepicted actor who’s revealed to be Keyser Soze. I probably wouldn’t even have cared much except that I spent an afternoon coming up with a coherent origin story for the Sith, and when I looked up the published material it reads like a shoehorn. Up the ass.

          1. Glad I never bothered with the written, D. I’m done with that Universe.

            1. Not even for Disney does Star Wars?

              1. Disney is full of genius and drugs… they might manhandle a bunch of humans into creating a grate of space disconcerting with the fucking dumbasses with laser swords and bikini queens.

              2. I’ll find a reason to miss it, D. Plinkett poisoned me.

                1. Plinkett poisoned you on Lucas’ travesties, which was right and proper, but I think Disney might reimagine the series… might, dare I say… reawaken it?

      2. Pitch Black was a surprisingly good movie.

        I saw it on a transatlantic flight. I watched it twice and liked it even better the second time.

        1. Pitch black was a good movie, GILMORIAN! Fucking eyeballs in your fucking face were spot on. I enjoyed that displacement of reality.

        2. The whole Riddick cycle, starting with Pitch Black, was directed (and written, I believe) by David Twohy. He’s actually quite good. His movies The Arrival and Below are both very enjoyable as well.

          1. I saw “Below”

            also on a flight, i think.

            It struck me as a modern Roger Corman movie. “Submarine of the Damned”

            I think he just bought the leftover sets from “K-19: The Widowmaker” and wrote the script on a napkin the night before shooting.

            And it was still a lot better than K-19: The Widowmaker.

        3. I quite liked it. Glad I’m not alone. And I liked Riddick a lot, too. I’m looking forward to more of it. Chronicles, well… not so much.

          1. I enjoyed Blackballed, man. Nothing like the Riddick man fucking with space governments but…

  15. Delilah is a moving metaphor of merchant texts… her lover broke the pillars of tall granite minds but she loved a physique connected to a god tendon. Society is a delilah and moving lover of massive rippling muscle and manliness. Society is more fag than anyone will ever know. Though I’ve fucked a fag or two in my day but I prefer a clean fag and my wife or a straight boy above 20 and my wife’s ass… she loves a young man spilling juzz in her and then I slap my fat cock in his jizz and she spurts multi sex juices and arches like the sweet rich blonde she is while the young college boy lies on the side and she falls orgasming onto him and my fucking big ass muscular bod sandwiches us all in a heap of piano shrieks and star tunes… man, nothin better

    1. I’m balding. You know this.

      1. Rockets bald when flying deep in space, nigga.

        1. More aerodynamic, Cy, but not fast enough for space.

          1. You are beautiful enough for space, love. Space wants your massive rockets hunting its dreamstars.

            1. So it’s been said, I have the dome for Mars.

              1. To chicks in the kno domes are dickheads.

                1. Good to know. I’m here, I need to know the strange.

                  1. My super hot wife loves domes. bitch.

                    1. Imma mail myself to Ohio, Brosephus.

  16. I’m sorry, but this is just plain lame.

    The truth is that the UVA “community” engaged in a witch hunt and destroyed the lives and reputations of group of students who were later proved innocent. And the “fallacy” Helms credits them with not falling for is refraining from collective punishment and a presumption of guilt over what is clearly an overblown problem (the incidence of rape has been declining for many years and college campuses are safer than society at large).

    UVA wasn’t the victim here. The fraternity brothers were. Helms is noticeably silent with regard to them.

    1. Singular lives broken nation-wide by lies are the ultimate destruction. Corporations and education pretenders called Berkley, UVA, and Princeton have billions to carve a fake future of bullshit… individuals have no such protection.

    2. Yeah, I caught ‘community’ and figured it was gonna be one PC cliche’ after the other.

    3. That’s because white fraternity guys are incapable of being victims of injustice, according to the Hollywood Bible. Victimhood is a gift only to be shared with the chosen ethnicities, genders, and income brackets.

  17. “Watch Comedian Ed Helms Eviscerate Rolling Stone in Awesome UVA Graduation Speech”

    Maybe, but I gave it a couple of minutes for what seemed like a week or so and gave up. Robby, he needs an editor.

    1. I like Robby’s aggressive stance tho. Soave is pitbull like many of the Sevo’s in these threads so cut him some slack, love.

    2. The [entertainer] DESTROYS [designated hate target] schtick gets pretty tiresome. How does one eviscerate an organization that spent the last few months having its entrails picked over by buzzards in the media? Not that I’m defending RS as being treated unduly, but many of the same publications now signing the cross against the sins of Erdely and her editors were guilty of, if not complicit in, promoting the story mere months before it became the story. So, yeah, not too much patience when some liberal hack finally gets around to throwing some punches down at the thing. I’m pretty sure UVA students are none too thrilled about having it trotted out, yet again, during their graduation.

      1. “[…]I’m pretty sure UVA students are none too thrilled about having it trotted out, yet again, during their graduation.”

        Yeah. “This is your special DAY!”, and how many looks were passed back and forth aimed at those who supported the fiasco?

      2. “The [entertainer] DESTROYS [designated hate target] schtick gets pretty tiresome.”


        Robby’s “evisceration” was some pretty stale, warmed over snark.

        But, hyperbole is the new-normal.

        It was almost as bad as this misleading headline

        1. Aw, Hitch. I’d been drinking for pleasure, then for spite, but now I must drink in requiem

          1. Holds beer can up. *Fumbles for lighter.*

      3. Honestly, Robby should know better than to do this kind of click-bait headline.

        1. It was funny the time he did it for a joke.

          At least i think it was a joke. Wait a second…

  18. How does one eviscerate an organization that spent the last few months having its entrails picked over by buzzards in the media?

    Somebody gets fired? Oh ohhh…

  19. Well shake beats in the thread party bros… man shake that ass, aliens. Dude this a pride sliver. Where arrows pierce like poems. Should this shit proflate? or should shit eat clit? Or do clits eat shit? I eat clit and so should my bitches…. ass eating is a train of human body pleasure tracks…

    1. yea, man, I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on with my fingras. but I did see a pile light hearted curses canned in broken jars flowing like a river toward the reason threads… man some fukin polergeist activities might be infecting this threads and all loving knights.

  20. Thump, thump, look at all the the slippery bitches. I’m the chump mixing five-gallon batches.

    1. “For a site called ‘reason’, ….”

  21. I watched half the video and then got bored. Mostly because I likely have ADHD and 22 minutes is just too long.

    He was on the right track with Rolling Stone. Then he messed it up by keeping in line with rape on campus meme. The facts were bad, sure, but only because it detracted people from the very real problem about rape. Never mind all the innocent people who needlessly got their names smeared in mud.


    I thought he went to Cornell.

    1. You put a cocktail of hormones and alcohol and some drugs together and you get the rape epidemic. This is, I am convinced, what the problem boils down to. Teenagers with erections and wet pussies and inebriation and a great deal amnesia results the next morning, but the regret is unidirectional.

      1. Hormones and drugs equal sex party…. everyone is raped and loved and fucked, bro.

  22. Hot chicks don’t have to GET a hard cock. Most of them lie on rocks, beds, edges of spas, beaches, chairs, countertops, and spread their legs with FUCKING zero effort.

    BUT WE have to get a hard dick. After pot, cocaine, drugs, beer, whiskey, cocktails, and space juice…. our cock has to PENETRATE the open-legged female who has to do literally NOTHING to get fucked. SHE can take us even if she doesnt really LIKE black, white, cocaine, asian, or Obama cock,,, she’s spreading for a reason that is beyound us though she MIGHT actually want our cocks in her she might just want to see how we roll with that shit on our hair pie monster…. Women, have not the singlest goddamn idea. So, I get this 8 inch cock up and slide it in your taco freak, baby… and you have to clench you goddamn whore but… this bitch can’t clench because she’s been fucking office managers and Jersey shore muscle… Man, I fucking did coke and an entire bottle of goddamn Jim Beam motherfucker and I have an 8 inch fuckin boomarang for your goddamn cunt whore you better fucking clench this shit.. CLENCH YOU FUCKING SLUT… I will pulverive your FUCKING vagine until you climb MT EVEREST FOR FREE you FUCKIN SLUT…. her entire body ripples like a tsunami of woman fat recoil while I pound a shit miles of orgasms into her vagine,,, ripping her body apart with pleasure…. and she twists like a titty tornado and sighs and dies on my fat dick… I killed her with orgasms… man, what a crime.

    1. I just realized that is might be possible to fucking murder someone with fucking. Is this possible. I powerfuck of the cock or vagina? A mma slam orgasm of the cunt or cock? Nah, not possible. A million orgasms can end the heart tho. But few humans have that capability. Can a million orgasms even kill a human heart? Can a thousand orgasms?

      Nah… most of the billions of humans on this planet don’t even cum right. Even the boys and men don’t cum right. Much less the girls and women. Is cumming an interplanetary relief issue? yes….

      all humans starting from 10 should cum. And sadly 50 year-old white women are just learning to cum….. man, the planet is not about a loving enlightened eutopia of self-jackoff…..

  23. A mind riot can smash icon pleasure
    on the main frame when rubles insure
    Arab show like you see dessert crops were
    man I’m fucked up and type slur whirrs

    Bitches my mind sez put down all the fucking dumb ass shit
    but I’m fucked up with coke and booze and dot wit
    see…my fingers control me slit
    man I am fucking on a spacercikit ok man I’m jumpin

    all these humans slivers have shotguns and lasers and
    I’m super fucked up but somehow my body taken over
    and my phalanges be humpin cunts like a dual finger ass
    cunt penetration and I want my face tongue in all day flesh
    gardens but I can’t jump becausethis bitch ssi fucked up so
    man i dont the fuck now where all this shit is emantaing frums

    tricky fucking words from my goddam face and skull.m an zerp
    goddamn skillls here man… I have to save my finger s from an escraping brain… .dudes

    so we do thjis ,, and my face has founds b fuck..fjfucFUCL

    1. I find listening to Sgt. Peppers while reading Agile is a good mix.

        1. Lou Reed’s music sure is interesting. So…what’s he been doing lately?

            1. He’s *dead*?

              1. He’s deaf? What? Speak up!

    2. Are you OK? Because either you’re going around the bend or auditioning for the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry. Or both.

      1. NGKC would you stop FUCKING band aiding my brain?

  24. Man as a 13 year old I played with a 14 yera old sexual partner. like most of us but I have a wrinkle that will fuck you all up…. but not yet cuz I played with this girl and genuinely enjoyed her, I never used her I enjoyed her atyoung age… and reciprocated sexual hidden love and touche…. I sucked her nipples and massaged her thighs as a young girl while she grabbed my balls in the closet and jerked my young cock for a few years… and then when I was 35 I learned something horrifying about my young love….

    her dad was molesting her at the time…. I shared a young lover with a molesting dad for about 3 years. Fucking insane…. he died recently but Rachel is still alive with several kids in deep field ohio…

    1. That’s sad, and as you say, horrifying.

      1. Heart shred
        Mind pangs
        Past blitz
        lost pangs
        love shock
        sex jarring
        time flout
        eerie fuck
        horror realtime lost
        time warp scalp
        strange clueless fetish
        native break
        bed bangtwist
        darkroom lookround

  25. Love is what.
    What is a life of love?
    is your depth with your lover
    a lifetime of aged gems?
    Why do we love lovers and why are
    some lovers kept until we pass?
    on…. commitment is pure but it might
    be a couple or more until we pass on
    into the dawn…

    we should love a great commitment
    but not lose wife or husband of many years
    because the heart longs for adventure if the heart
    isn’t square.

    We die. For those of us who don’t yearn for heaven
    and gold homes in clouds imagined we have pragmatic
    lose of our minds and limbs slowly for the atoms give way
    to normal reversion….

    I don’t see the time of that future as distinct and off from now…….
    my love will always be my love. forever as I die even… her cunt can
    hold cocks she seeks as special…. why not? my cock holds cunts special.

    we will die and our lovers also… no jesus makes a flaming river open to us for
    a special cloudy dining scape of feasts and soothing normal life….

    nah…. it is all a gone. we will all pass. no greater love exists. no
    special mind reaps the grave and no Muslim heaven or Christian hallway
    will save us from the lost eternity so why fight other lovers?

    Why fight on the rings?

    1. Dying is preservation of nothing but eclipse mind.
      Love is lonely when the skin cracks and the eyes look to the past
      and tunes only strum from angel drums
      made from glowing fantasies

      and these hearts meld from mashed stars who
      look on the dying with realization because all stars don’t exist but
      their lights ponder the darkness of the minds of those with eyes
      and lying on quiet hills rolling on the history of tired shoulders
      why is this screaming place cracking into the universe church and
      holy ghost comets broke the pulpits of pain, man…

      do you even fucking know you fucking goddamn motherfuckers where I’m at right now man. My fucking goddamn entire atoms are breaking the fucking cosmos you fucking whores I’m flying into the rfuckingverse bitches….my tears are screaming planets … man I’m gone motherfuckiners I’m goddamn gonemy fucking bodyjet is breaking the dark of outerspace and I want my dick to fuck that godmn slit with a pelviz throughout bull… and man, bros, do your see this….I am free rockin space in the voices of all the minds of my head

    2. He have this sphere,
      it’s crowded.

      It’s less crowded than we think,
      It’s crowded because we’re here.

  26. words from coffins whistle to me
    like joy beams dancing on the bored dead
    the moon lights break the tombs and
    great stars rise from the deep earth

  27. Stars rise from the ground
    like an inward galaxy of human
    big bang lost in soil

    no tunes trapped in corpses will tap
    the sides of deep walls unless the
    great minds of power writings
    resurrect like hidden chiefs and kings
    of lost years and decay man… dude I am fucked up and i can’t feel my legs but I can type… shit,

    I broke past the veil, man… I am totally gone but I can fucking tuype….. shit

  28. So if my head is cut off and eaten by a dragon will that dragon spit unexpected bullshit?
    If the planet is chopped in half by a galactic viking will earth planet guts orbit the sun forever? I guess this fucking place ha s guts.
    Why are clouds so dour?
    No, I’m starting to slip bak into no being.
    man, i just need to fuckin walk the words…

  29. your loves are your breathing
    but your breathing is your mind
    and your mind must be great to breathe
    love unto your loves and great love is
    deep and worship.

    life is worship of air.
    air is love. lips are the gates of air
    lust is lips and lips lust love
    transcend mundane into loss of midnights
    and noons.
    love escapes everyday, your children
    escape time so does your little dog and cat…
    your lover and lover escapes time because
    time doesn’t grasp worship.
    worship of sun lives is altered state love
    a sun life is apex rotation of dedication and worship
    of human life on the crux of cosmic dust…

    1. when you live and die time lives and dies but your lives time death and love when the rotations of living and death collapse the altar of the alive.

  30. humans worship time and sex
    Nothing else matters but time and fucking to living fuckers
    love is a grand routine, bros.
    an exquisite manifestation of thought and internal all

    when you love you live
    when you live your travels break reality, man
    you will live the love of atomic emotion.

  31. I broke through my deep trip, man … I can now type even while I’m fucked. I hit the wall once, failed. came back, failed. and I’m on my last leg until I hit my last far out that I can never capture so……

    I’ve given thought while I have this small dime of time….twisty awkward and whatnot but deep mind travel where emotion connects with the tear drops of men is remarkably healthful…. and beyond altered man. I’ve gotten fucked up to where my mind spilled a billion gallons of tears and males are instructed to resist the emotions of time and pulls of stars and galaxies and we will all die soon. time is swift and if your mind processes this before I am pulled from this page into the void your mind will connect with me before you do. Your mind is processing deep mulls and planes even now but you resist the intellectual and emotional trip into the deep because your male minds fear the poem of the mind’s corners. Give in.

    Fall prostrate to the winds of your mind. You can fly the altered routes of respiration. Literally the lifeblood of the grateful dead and phish.

    1. Shine on, AC.

    2. Shine on, AC.

  32. If this qualifies as “evisceration” to Mr. Soave, then he’s the wrong writer to have covered this story.

    All Helms did was give some mealy-mouth speech sticking up for the university, but not the actual people who got their names dragged through the mud. Then he validated all the “rape culture” hysteria that drove this travesty.

    Ed Helms “eviscerated” Rolling Stone like Obama eviscerates Putin when he talks about how displeased he is with him then does nothing.

    1. The headline says he eviscerated Rolling Stone. That’s the reporting journal and he said they gathered no verifiable facts in reporting a story and that they had no journalistic integrity. That is eviscerating to a journal with pretensions of news reporting.

      What you and so many else here are angry about is that he didn’t go farther and address your pet issue here, attacking the SJWs, rape culture, speaking out for men’s rights, etc. You people have become mirror images of the SJWs you oppose-unable to enjoy anything unless it’s hurling itself against the barricades with the same zealous force and focus that you do.

      1. You know, Bo, I’ve always tried to stay out of the bashing of you, but you really are a boring, pompous asshole.

        Eat a dick…it’ll probably be the most useful thing you’ll do with your mouth this week.

  33. At least Rolling Stone takes the time to make the shit up or find someone to lie to them for quotes.

    Robby on the other hand just cuts and pastes shit he sees on Gawker.

  34. You have to love the recurring testament to a lack of sel awareness theme running through this thread: “yeah that guy said something we might agree with, but he didn’t go nearly far enough in dismissing those humorless SJWs for being fanatically bent on hearing exactly what they want brooking no deviation, so let’s dismiss his entire comments and brag about how we didn’t even click on them at all!”

  35. Lets hit em up JD< I mean like for real.


  36. At least Agile Cyborg has something interesting to say.

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  38. i actually really like this speech. of course it isn’t perfect, but this oughta be compared to other graduation speeches, not literary heroes

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