John Bolton

John Bolton Announces That He Isn't Running for President

Neither, for the record, am I.

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John Bolton, the former U.N. ambassador with dreams of a more muscular and mustachioed America, announced today that he will not run for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. Fortunately, voters craving a nuanced, measured debate about U.S. foreign policy will still be able to enjoy the subtle arguments of Mike Huckabee:

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    1. Yes, rejoice! The shit in your shit sandwich will be a slightly different flavor!

      1. I am sure that the ‘Kill everyone until they make friends with us’ faction will still have plenty of representation.

        1. Cytotoxic can’t vote in US elections.

          1. Thank goodness. He’s always jabbing away at Anarchists calling us folks who believe the market is able to handle security and defense (along with every other area of the economy) all kinds of names.

            Cytotoxic, did you ever serve in any capacity in the military?

            1. He’s always jabbing away at Anarchists calling us folks who believe the market is able to handle security and defense (along with every other area of the economy) all kinds of names.

              That’s because ‘the market’ obviously can’t handle security and defense, IT NEEDS THOSE THINGS.

              Cytotoxic, did you ever serve in any capacity in the military?

              Ha ha no. Wouldn’t last.

              1. So you realize that you’d get shot in the back by your own men on your first patrol, huh? Self-awareness is good.

                1. No they’d get along with me just fine just like everyone else does. The problem is that I am frail and badly need my sleep.

                  1. “The problem is that I am frail and badly need my sleep.”

                    I recognize there are limits to what human physiology can handle but I think you’d be surprised at what you can achieve when you and your buddies’ asses are on the line.

                    1. I am pretty sure I am dysrpaxic. Poor motor control and feebleness. Also, my heavy duty brain needs heavy duty sleep. I can take a long time to get to sleep and a lot can get in the way or disturb it.

              2. “That’s because ‘the market’ obviously can’t handle security and defense, IT NEEDS THOSE THINGS.”

                Sorry, this is a fallacy with no actual history to back up what you infer. The private production of airport security today is more effective than the TSA based upon the TSA’s study. Private security in Detroit, is far more efficient than the violent monopoly aka the police of the state. Private security around the U.S. outnumbers uniformed officers of the state. If the police quit tomorrow, private security could fill the role of free market protective services without the coercion, extortion and violence required to fund the police of the state.

                Being you never served, you never got a chance to realize how horrid the DOD procurement system really is, and how any efforts to “change” go on in vain. Do you realize the USS Constitution suffered from delays and cost overruns? The same thing happens nowadays and the same coat plus fee no ceiling contracts are the norm. Meanwhile the Privateers (corsairs in France) did not run into such problems.

                Their battle records (ships captured, etc.) trumped anything the Navies of the U.S., Britain and France could accomplish. They used far less violence in doing their jobs than the Navies of the state did.

                1. With the malinvestment, misallocation of resources and the waste within the defense budget, there can be no way that military socialism can be anywhere near as efficient as the private production of defense, nor offer “better services” than the market could. If individuals were able to reward private producers, that operate through economy, instead of a violent coercive monopoly that operates on socialism which can not economize, and there can therefore be no economizing, individuals would have better services tailored to their needs for far chea

          2. Cytotoxic doesn’t believe that. It’s just another retarded strawman in your head.

        2. They have a pretty large constituency down here in SC. I’d like to see a Venn diagram of people who: worship the thin blue line, can’t get enough “kill the muslims” and have never actually served in either capacity.

  1. This frees me of the burden of not voting for him.

  2. Is that the correct video?

    1. A rattlesnake came to the banks of a river but couldn’t swim across. It asked Mike Huckabee to take it across on his back. Mike Huckabee agreed because the snake was wearing a Huckabee 2016 button. Once safely across, the rattlesnake cast its vote for Mike Huckabee, who won the election, but then suddenly grew the federal government like nobody’s business. As the rattlesnake was drowning in regulation, it asked Mike Huckabee, “Why would you do this?” Mike Huckabee replied, “Why should I change? John Bolton’s the one who sucks.”

      1. And then the rattlesnake bit Huck and he died. As he was dying, Huck said “why would you do that? Is it just because it’s your nature?” The snake responded “no, you’re just a douchebag.”

        1. *asks for this to be turned into a children’s book*

          1. The Huckster and the Snake Oil Salesman by Dr. Seuss-Seuss-Sudio

            1. “I’d buy that for a dollar!”

          2. *donates money for Switzy’s dream to become reality*

            1. Charles – I read the Hersch article. You are correct – very informative.

              1. I’m glad you found it so, Restoras.

          3. Paging Sugar Free… Mr. Free, please pick up the red courtesy phone… Sugar Free…

            1. Hey?! Children’s book Not “the Erotic Memoirs of John Bolton’s Mustache”

            2. I’m only doing the artwork on this one. I hope you guy like MS Paint and a palsied hand.

            3. NEEDZ MOAR PROLAPSED ANUS

  3. So the Patriots’ rebuttal report proves that the Colts’ and Patriots’ balls deflated the same amount when measured with the same gauge.

    I’m glad I’m not the only person who saw that in the Wells report.

    I was starting to worry I was the only person left alive who wasn’t a retard.

    1. No, you’re just one of the few that either a) doesn’t give a shit, or b) isn’t filled with Brady-envy and also pissed at your team for not drafting him themselves.
      ##199

    2. Ooooh look, cake!!

    3. So if Tom Brady were president, we’d be losing at least one commenter to the “if the President does it, it’s not illegal” faction.

      1. No, I’d be in the “I can tell when a guy named Wells is trying to trick me using bad data” faction.

    4. Ahem:

      http://cafehayek.com/2015/05/t…..-bias.html

      Roberts notes that there’s an explanation for that.

      And no, I’m don’t hate the Patriots; I hate all of professional wrestling I mean football because I’m a grown up who has better things to do than watch a bunch of homos in tight pants fondle each other for two hours.

  4. Now if only 50 or 60 more people would agree…

  5. I thought the shotgun blast after the fade to black was a nice touch… for the sorts of individuals who prefer the likes of Huckabee, Bolton, McCain, Graham, et al.

  6. But Almanian is… finally a candidate that I can support… from a distance… while living in another country. Which is more than I can say for the others.

    1. Until he nukes you.

    2. Just. Walk. Away.

        1. YOU NUTRASWEETED THE LINK T

          1. Sorry, bro. Try this.

            FWIW, I can’t actually watch the videos where I am, but I can do Youtube searches.

  7. As long as Ramsay Bolton isn’t running, I don’t really care all that much.

    1. Don’t hate the flayer, hate the game of thrones.

      1. Now I just hate you.

    2. Roose Bolton would at least give us peace and order. A peaceful land and a quiet people.

      1. They offered the world order?

      2. Flayings for some, tiny American flags for others!

  8. Oh, great. Now who’s going to be my comedically oversized mustache candidate!?

    1. Hitler?

      1. He said oversized. Hitler had a gas mask mustache.

        1. Oh, you mean like your mom’s mustache. I get it now.

            1. +1 Ilssa, She-Wolf of the SS

              1. “Ilsa”

                1. JOIN MY CRUSADE FOR AN EDIT BUTTON!

                  1. After catching Mr. Welch making his own typos, I believe the time is right for an edit.

                    Even senior editors need the edit.

      2. What’s a Hitler?

        1. It’s like a nubian, only moreso.

          1. Bitch, you almost made me burst out laughing.

    2. Not Ned Flanders. He’s off the show.

      1. The show was over 15 years ago. Nobody told them.

    3. Oh, great. Now who’s going to be my comedically oversized mustache candidate!?

      We need Stoss!

      Run Stoss, run!

      1. Geraldo Rivera?

      2. Huh? I didn’t think you liked Stossell.

    4. Manuel Ortega, perhaps?

      Maybe,… Maduro?

    5. Eliot Engel.

    6. Janet Reno?

  9. I’d like to announce I’m NOT running for President of your little United States.

    I do seek the office of ‘Baron Baltimore, First Lord Proprietary, Earl Palatine of the Provinces of Maryland and Avalon in America’ but I will acquire those via sword and blood (as God intended).
    Larry Hogan, I’m coming for you!

    1. Do you and Agile share certain…interests?

      1. or…interests in certain substances.

        1. That’s what I meant, Switzy.

          1. Indeed – I was just making sure it was….um, clear to our Trigger.

  10. Except…a rattlesnake doesn’t want to bite you. If it did, it wouldn’t have a rattle to warn you away. It would just bite you. And up to 25% of the bites are dry.

    (That being said, I still kill them on sight.)

    1. It’s also a stupid choice of metaphor because one of the most well-known symbols of America and the Tea Party movement is of course the Gadsden Flag, which depicts a defensively postured rattlesnake warning off intruders.

    2. Why are you mansplaining away Huckabee’s mother’s advice to her son?

      You probably haven’t even seen Columbia, much less gone to it.

      Probably hate the children, too.

  11. I kinda like John Bolton. I mean if you want to know what the Hawkiest Hawk position might be you need only listen to him for a few minutes.

  12. John Bolton Announces That He Isn’t Running for President

    But What If Michelle Obama Challenged Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Nomination?

    1. I’d take the easy way out.

  13. -Bolton supported the Vietnam War, enlisted in the Maryland Army National Guard and consequently did not serve in Vietnam. He wrote in his Yale 25th reunion book “I confess I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy. I considered the war in Vietnam already lost.”[18] In an interview, Bolton discussed his comment in the reunion book, explaining that he decided to avoid service in Vietnam because “by the time I was about to graduate in 1970, it was clear to me that opponents of the Vietnam War had made it certain we could not prevail, and that I had no great interest in going there to have Teddy Kennedy give it back to the people I might die to take it away from.–

    Effing pussy. He supported the war and felt college was more important, and that others going off to fight and even die on his behalf was better. He’s another war mongering POS.

    1. So IOW you can’t attack his points just his character.

      1. I wasn’t aware he had points?

  14. John Bolton, the former U.N. ambassador with dreams of a more muscular and mustachioed America

    To be honest, thanks to Stossel I have dreams of a more mustachioed America as well. Also, what’s the point in announcing your not running?

  15. Neither, for the record, am I.

    Prove it.

    1. He writes libertarian articles under his own name?

      He wrote a book called In Defense of Drug Use?

  16. Why doesn’t Grover Norquist run?

  17. Also not running for president? That’s right: Frank Stallone.

    1. Damn, he woulda had my vote.

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