Free-Range Kids

Middle Schoolers Suspended for Pretending to Smoke Candy


Ben Crowe / Wikimedia Commons

At least three New Mexico middle school students have been suspended for 10 days for inappropriately consuming Smarties. No, that's not code for some hip new drug; we are talking about the sweet-and-sour candies sold in a roll and given out to unlucky kids on Halloween. The Clovis Municipal School District classifies them as drugs and says the kids were snorting them.

The mom of one of the kids told KRQE News 13 that in fact the kids were fake-smoking them. That is, they were crushing up the Smarties, putting the powder back in the cellophane, rolling it up like a cigarette and puffing it out, so it would look like smoke. "They were horseplaying," said Kelly Cook, mom of one of the candy-crazed miscreants. (You can find more stories of Smarties suspensions here.)

Smoking or snorting, these kids were not taking drugs any more than eating M&Ms is popping pills. But the school insists that Smarties are extra scary and verboten:

News 13 asked the district Thursday what policy they're using in this case and if they have a specific rule against Smarties at school. They say they couldn't comment and referred us to their student handbook. News 13 looked at it thoroughly and nowhere could we find Smarties classified as a drug or even a mention of the candy.


So the school is the one that's blowing smoke. It has advised the kids' parents that they may want to bring legal counsel to a "fact finding" scheduled for Nov. 19. What's more, the school retains the right to actually expel the boys for their Smartie party. It's enough to drive you to the hard stuff.

You know, like Life Savers.

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  1. News 13 asked the district Thursday what policy they’re using in this case and if they have a specific rule against Smarties at school. They say they couldn’t comment and referred us to their student handbook. News 13 looked at it thoroughly and nowhere could we find Smarties classified as a drug or even a mention of the candy.

    Ban them. Not Smarties; the district weenies.

    1. While News 13 had its nose buried in the handbook, school officials got away.

  2. Sugar is addictive and toxic,just ask Mika on ‘Moaning Joe’ on MSNBC

    1. Well, sugar is pretty bad for you; addictive and toxic might be a bit hyperbolic.

      But they aren’t even talking about the health effects of sugar, but about a harmless behavior.

      1. no sugar is needed to live,just like salt..Too much sugar,like to much water is bad.Many food are broken down to sugar,

        1. I’m talking about eating sugar. You don’t need to do that. Obviously some sugars are essential parts of metabolism.

          1. Yeah – but your body can synthesize them from other things you eat.

            You have to have various proteins, fats, vitamins, minerals – but there are no ‘essential’ carbohydrates in that sense.

            1. Oops – reread, and realize I’m making your same point.

              Carry on.

              1. It would be pretty hard on your body to just eat meat and fat and no carbs. Carbs should be at least 1/3 of your diet and even though it is probably wrong on high end, government guidelines suggest 45-65% of diet should be carbs.

                You are correct that refined sugar should not be eaten in excess and complex carbs are preferred over simple carbs for a variety of reasons. And it is true that there are no essential carbs but as we evolved eating many sources of carbs (even glycogen from animal muscle is carbs) they are “essential” in practice.

                1. That govt advice is obsolete – saturated fats are preferred to carbs – far healthier, on every measure.

  3. off topic…..htm?p=full

    Obama’s Educrats Issue ‘Racial Equity’ Edict To Schools

    Education: Just as school boards across the country scramble to meet new federal limits for punishing black students, Obama’s educrats now want them to hit racial quotas for academic performance, too.

    Last month, slipping almost everybody’s notice, the Education Department’s office for civil rights issued a guidance letter to 14,000 local school districts that expands “racial equity” beyond school discipline into virtually every aspect of public education.

    Breathtaking in its scope, the 37-page edict warns school boards that they have to reach the same equity, based on “disparate impact” statistics, in:

    1) advanced placement courses;

    2) gifted and talented programs;

    3) distribution of funds;

    4) school facilities;

    5) technology; and,

    6) teacher talent, experience and diversity.

    Those who don’t get their numbers right risk forfeiting federal funding and being investigated for discrimination. It doesn’t matter if school policies provide black students equal access to fast-track programs and resources. Or if standards are color-blind

    1. So, pretty much every AP course is going to disappear, or alternatively, no student anywhere will ever pass an AP test.

  4. I remember when we had those powdered-sugar filled bubble-gum “cigarettes” sold in stores. You would blow the powdered sugar out to make a cloud of smoke.
    Of course, those we’re banned, cause supposedly letting kids pretend-smoke is inevitably going to lead to real-life-smoking.

    1. Damn refresh to log in… Beat me by 1 minute.

    2. I remember there was one brand called “Hey Man, Cool”. Which was pretty hilarious.

    3. you can still buy these in upstate ny gas stations.
      yes the progtarded stronghold NY has candy ciggs still (it felt like seeing a unicorn)

    4. I’m just waiting for the day some kids get caught eating Big League Chew as if it were real chewing tobacco… Oh wait, that’s basically how all chewing gum is eaten… Well, anyway, I am sure it will cause a few expulsions some day.

      Little Johnny got expelled for eating gum that looks like chewing tobacco.

      Little Johnny doesn’t get an education, gets in with the wrong crowd (the kid who carved a fuckin pop-tart into the shape of a gun) and they go on a crime spree.

      That is how public education works today. I can’t wait for the long term unintended consequences of ObamaCare to kick in. That should turn healthcare into something similar to a North Korean prison camp.

      Bottom line here, as soon as private space flight operations get their shit together, I’m moving to the moon.

    5. Those are ok, but chocolate cigarettes are racist.

  5. I might be showing my age here, but who remembers the candy cigarettes? Bland and tasty at the same time. These people would have a stroke if they ever saw them.

    1. Me! I just ranted about them(to begin with). The last time I saw them was in Little Rock, Arkansas, 1994.

      I was there for a boxing tournament. I didn’t smoke back then, still being a high school jock and all, but Goddamn, I sure thought it looked cool. I also liked Bevis and Butthead, Green Day and Bill Clinton at the time. Oh, to be a borderline retarded 14 year old again.

      At 34, my excuses for being an idiot don’t hold the same weight….I’m drunk.

      Where’s Agile Cyborg when you need him? At least he can relate.

      1. being drunk is a pretty good excuse for all those things except clinton… there are no excuses for clinton

        1. I was 14 at the time and had yet to allow alcohol to pass my lips. I know that’s a flimsy excuse, but shit man, how politically savy where you at that age? Not to be bitchy, but cut the 20 years younger version of me some slack.

    2. I remember them, as a kid of the 70s. Every pillowcase full of Halloween candy (we used to do trick-or-treating the right way, on foot, with a big ol’ pillowcase) would contain around a half-dozen packs of candy cigarettes. The chocolate ones were prized, but we thought the wintergreen hard-candy ones were basically kaka.

  6. “MAY want to bring legal counsel”? Bloody hell. If that were my kid, I’d be bringing the highest-powered legal counsel I could lay hands on. The school district MAY want to have THEIR solicitor present, because guaranteed mine will be threatening legal action.

    1. “Solicitor”? What are you, some kind of communist?

      1. Monarchist. Couldn’t you tell?

        1. Redcoats, reds… what’s the difference?


    2. Fuck legal counsel, load up the minivan with kids and parents.

      Let the school publicly demonstrate how hard it has to work to find it’s own ass with two hands in front of its customers/constituents.

      1. I don’t know why, but I read that as “kids and perverts”.

    1. Me too. Among candy that is just sugar, it would be one of my top choices.

      1. Me too. Only thing better than smarties is pure sugar cubes.

    2. Indeed. I second that emotion.

  7. The Clovis Municipal School District classifies them as drugs

    OK. You could pretend that a pencil is a cigarette too. Better ban them.

    1. and pens what if someones precious snowflake got ink poisoning

      1. And you could use the pen tube to snort smarties.

    2. Also, those long fat pretzels. Those can be cigars. Plus they have SALT! Don’t eat that salt kid, even though its necessary for your continued existence and the evidence that suggests it is harmful is bunk, you can’t eat it, especially if you are going to pretend you are smoking it. You don’t want to turn into a crack head do ya?

  8. Why is the picture of European smarties (sort of a crappier version of M&Ms;), rather than American Smarties? It only make sense with the American kind since the European ones wouldn’t work at all for pretending to smoke.

  9. Yes, I’d bring my attorney to the meeting. Here’s what I’d have him say…

    Your actions have put my clients in the driver’s seat on this issue since you acted precipitously without any policy to back you up.

    If you do not rescind the suspensions instantly, you’ll find yourself explaining to the school board why you should remain employed by them after you caused them to pay tens of thousands in legal fees and settlement costs for essentially no reason.

  10. my roomate’s step-aunt makes $77 every hour on the computer . She has been fired for five months but last month her payment was $20090 just working on the computer for a few hours. site here…..


  11. Also, who snorts smarties? Way too much work. Just get yourself some pixie sticks, they even come in those perfect packets that fit right into the nose. Delightful!

    (I stopped doing this the first time I heard the phrase “nose maggots.” I tell you what, a threat of “nose maggots,” however facetious, will get almost any girl-conscious kid to stop doing anything.)

    1. nose maggots… excellent i am stealing this to torment my child

  12. The administrative twit who ordered this needs psychiatric evaluation, pronto.

  13. I’m going to comment before actually reading article for a change.

    I remember as late as the early 90’s being able to purchase those candy cigarettes that would blow dust/smoke if you exhaled through them. Back then, you could still buy them via vending machine. I doubt they still exist.

    The point is, the availability of such products was never a factor in my decision to become a smoker. I didn’t take up the habit until years after the fact.

    If my comment doesn’t pertain to the article, I apologize. The cold snap has forced me to take a few vacation days, the girlfriend is at work, and I began drinking to curb the cabin fever.

    I’ll probably comment on several articles today and make a complete ass out of my self along the way. Take any comments of mine with a grain of salt. I’m not at my logical best at the moment.

    1. Cheers, good sir.

      1. Well, thank you. I’m not so drunk as to embarrass myself completely, but I’m sure there will be logical holes in my argument if I elaborate further.

        I suffer from no delusions when it concerns the topic of being the smartest person on these boards. I’m well aware that there are scores of people around here who are more intelligent than I, Socialist/Marxist included.

        I’m just here to rant and learn.

  14. They should have just swallowed them whole and said “Get me, I’m taking my Ritalin pill!” They’d have gotten extra credit for that.

    1. I thought you were supposed to snort those?

  15. You send your shitty kids to public school this is what you get.

  16. I repeat my comment from last week. When?, when?, when? will the kids realize they hold the power to shut down the school system. For mere pocket change they can collectively “smoke” their way to being expelled from school. It’s a revolution just waiting to happen. Power to the (little) people!

    I suggest they use real cigarettes and all light up, en masse, and refuse short of physical violence against them to desist. I can just see all the smoke rings rising like a chorus of holy haloes over their precious heads, as the authorities go apoplectic.

  17. my roomate’s mother-in-law makes $66 /hr on the computer . She has been without work for 8 months but last month her paycheck was $21762 just working on the computer for a few hours. take a look at the site here….


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