Criminal Justice

Man Arrested for Passive Aggressive Watermelon Stabbing

The war on passive aggression and watermelon cruelty is alive in Thomaston, Connecticut.

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Nikola Markovi?/Flickr

Tales from the police state are often horrifying, sad, and haunting. Today in "criminal justice" inanity, I submit a story with less gravitas but a heightened level of absurdity. It seems a Connecticut man has been arrested for passive-aggressively stabbing a watermelon

After his wife showed cops photographic evidence of the victimized fruit,  Carmine Cervellino, 49, was charged with second-degree threatening and disorderly conduct, according to The Register Citizen. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Cervellino and wife are getting a divorce.

The watermelon incident took place July 4, after the wife showed up at police headquarters to report finding pot and a mysterious blue pill in her husband's toolbox. From The Register Citizen

She snatched them up, took pictures with a cell phone camera and stowed them away in her room. Later, when the woman returned home, she found the drugs missing, she claims, but she showed police the photos. Cervillino is not facing any drug charges.

The drug war may wane, but the war on watermelon cruelty is only beginning.  

After the cops left, Cervellino allegedly came inside and began menacingly cutting a watermelon. His wife snapped photos with her phone as he sliced the pieces of the fruit in a "threatening" way, then headed back to police headquarters. 

Cervellino was arrested on July 12; he's now free, after posting a $500 bond. The case was referred to a Family Services officer and Cervellino due back in court at the end of August. 

h/t Mat Vaillancourt 

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45 responses to “Man Arrested for Passive Aggressive Watermelon Stabbing

  1. You’d think by age 49, a guy named “Carmine” would be high enough in the chain of command he’d just order the watermelon killed, and somebody else would pull the trigger. (Or use the knife.)

    1. What are you saying?

      1. That he’s Italian, which probably means he’s in the Mafia, and wiseguys sometimes order murders so they don’t get their own hands dirty.

        Hey, family lore says I’m 1 / 16 Italian, so I’m allowed to have fun with such stereotypes.

        1. Only *one* of the 16 guys that gangbanged your mom that night was italian? Now *that* I find hard to believe.

          1. “Charlie, I’m just saying, based on that story that you just told me, I’m fairly certain that those Santas Italians were running a train on your mom for money.”

          2. Jeez, don’t you know anything about biology?

            Even if 16 guys gangbanged my mom, only one could be my father. That’s the way sperm + egg works. Giuseppe either had the fastest swimmers, or he didn’t.

            1. You couldn’t have just gone along with the joke, could you.

              This is why there are no female libertarians.

              1. Pfft. Like women can take jokes.

              2. Or fractional Italian libertarians.

        2. Is Sicilian the same as Italian? NO PIZZA THREAD. But the devil’s in the details there.

  2. “a mysterious blue pill”

    I have a pretty good guess.

    1. Are you telling me you can dodge bullets?

      1. No, I’m saying I know what 10 mg of Adderall looks like.

        BTW, the wife is a cunt.

        1. Whatever, Morpheus.

          It could also have been Viagra…

          1. No wonder she was pissed.

            Isn’t arnica small and blue too?

            1. Arnica crystals are like a bluish white, I think. Not very blue at all.

        2. It was more likely viagra, which makes her EVEN MORE of a cunt because he was taking drugs just for her pleasure and she still snitched on him.

  3. “Cervellino and wife are getting a divorce.”

    Not soon enough.

  4. I want to hear the judge laugh this one off

  5. Bitch set me up!

    1. Man, that never gets old. Thank you Mayor Barry.

      1. “Re-Elect Marion Barry — He Got Drugs Off The Streets”

  6. What did I just read? What could the incriminating watermelon possibly have looked like.

    I’m thinking this is more a case of crazy woman goes to police; police feel obliged to do something, even though the woman is clearly not in danger; man learns an expensive lesson about why you don’t marry crazy women.

  7. I’m running through various images in my head, trying to decide exactly what it means to slice a watermelon “menacingly”. This really has my curiosity going. Did he hold the knife in both hands and stab downward? Did he carve the melon into a skull and crossbones, or a simulated headstone? Did he let the red juice run down the knife and his arm like blood? Does he look like Jack Nicholson, cause Jack could probably carve a watermelon like nobodies business.

    1. I’m not gonna hurt ya. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just going to bash your brains in.

    2. I’m thinking he stood the watermelon upright, and the slowly drew the knife across the middle, horizontally, from behind.

  8. charged with second-degree threatening and disorderly conduct

    Oh, FFS!

    I hope he has a good, preferably Black, lawyer.

    1. Yeah, I looked up the definition of “second degree threatening” and it’s pretty fucking vague. How do you prove he was trying to cause fear by cutting a watermelon? Was he using a fucking samurai sword to cut it or something? What the fuck?

  9. Maybe his wife looks like this, and then slid the knife across the bottom as the juice ran down.

    1. Hah, that’s pretty skilled.

      That said, if my wife looked like that, I’d just off myself, because I obviously would have no business making any other decisions for myself ever again.

  10. Alt-text: “You talkin’ to ME?!”

  11. Sarcasm Button On:
    RE: Man Arrested for Passive Aggressive Watermelon Stabbing
    Comrades! You must not take this article lightly. The murder of a fruit is act of babarism and cruelty. The said watermelon is a helpless life form that can not run, speak or vote (except in Chicago). This is a living organism. It has feelings like you and I. It has rights such as due process. Not giving its day in court violates American principles. Only a court of law has the right to decide who cuts up the melon, who gets how much and where the seeds go. That’s the American way. But there’s more to this case than meets the eye. It is more than just the fruit of a plant. It is a symbol of the progressive environmental movement to redistribute the wealth from the selfish and evil producing class to the parasite class. The color of the watermelon says it all. Green on the outside and red on the inside. Therefore, the defendant not only stabbed a helpless and loving fruit, the defendant was also striking out against our noble socialist crusade. The said defendant should be hanged not only for his egregious deed against the defenseless watermelon, but for his attack on socialism as well. Executing the defendant will send an important message to the populace that socialism will not tolerate attack upon it or its symbols. The condemned will thank us later.
    Sarcasm Button Off

  12. *Insert lack of hat tip whine here*

    That’s what I get for posting a link to this off-topic!

    1. After the AM Links and Welch’s appearance in the Independents thread, I think you have to organize brunch and/or drinks with staff to rate.

    2. Justice for KK! This shall not stand!

      1. Ha. This story was a popular one to post last week.

        It such a good example of so much that’s wrong with the world.

        I mean who lets people have assault knives and dubiously menacing attitudes!?

  13. Didn’t y’all know?!?!? Eating watermelon seeds? Whether they’ve been violently ass-salted, or not? Ken git ye PREGGERS!!! Ah kids you NOT!!! BEWARE, that’s all ah haz ta say!!! Fore-warned == four-armed, read and heed, ye clueless ones? I blew my horns, and the walls came down! You’ve all been warned!!! Ye who stood there laughing, you won’t be laughing any moah!

    1. Calm down, there.

  14. C’mon ENB, you left the video out. The whole incident is on video. Once you see the video it is clear why he was arrested.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p0Nlny-jsk

    1. Ouch! Just motherfuckin ouch!

    2. So much butter that knife went through. So much.

    3. Darwin is so disappointed.

  15. Think of what this sort of charge could have done to Gallagher’s career.

  16. You can get arrested for the way you eat a watermelon now? A million southern black men are now hiding under the bed, thanks a lot Reason!

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