Julian Assange

WikiLeaks to Release 'Very Important Secret Document' Tomorrow



"Tomorrow we will release a very important secret document," announced WikiLeaks spokesman Kristinn Hrafnsson earlier today.

Hrafnsson was participating in a press conference with Julian Assange, the founder of the information-leaking media organization. Tomorrow marks two years that Assange has been confined within the Ecuadorian embassy in London, which is surrounded at all hours by police.

Hrafnsson hinted that tomorrow's leak will be significant to "international negotiations" but said that he couldn't give any more details.

Assange added that "there are 50 countries involved" in tomorrow's disclosure.

Assange spoke on a range of topics, criticizing the U.S. government and, in particular, President Barack Obama:

Obama should start to reflect on what [his] legacy will be after two presidential terms. It must be at odds with a former professor of constitutional law to have a legacy that involves the construction of extra-judicial kill lists of individuals including American citizens [and] a legacy of being the president who conducted more Espionage Act investigations against journalists … than all previous presidents combined going back to 1917. …

It is against the stated principles of the United States and I believe the values supported by its people, to have a four-year criminal investigation against a publisher. The ongoing existence of that investigation produces a chilling effect, not just on internet based publishers, but all publishers.

Questioned about his own legacy and why he hasn't produced a groundbreaking leak in several years, Assange said, "I think the best answer to that question was given by the author of Catch-22 when it was put to him that he hadn't eclipsed his novel, and the response of course is, well, neither has anyone else."

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  1. I hope it’s all of Lerner’s emails. That would be a riot.

    1. That would be great.

    2. Doesn’t sound like it (mentions “international relations”).

      Suspect it’s spying related.

    3. It’s directly related to Obama, spying and/or assassination programs.

      Oh, and if you want to find out about it, you’ll likely have to find out about it here, from Fox or from a European source because those will be the only places covering it.

  2. One of the things that this era will be known for is jailing (or forcing to flee the threat of jail) people who reveal embarrassing government secrets.

  3. I hate preannouncements, especially when Wikileaks tends to overplay its hand. Just publish.

    1. this

      1. Yuuuup.

        Seems like WL does.this.every.time and the actual release is.anticlimactic.

        1. Like Geraldo discovering Al Capone.

        2. Is it surprising that a puffed-up, self-important asshole acts like an asshole?

    2. I dunno. It’s kind of fun to see if anyone panics.

  4. Is it the FBI’s list of foreign twitter slang?

  5. Didn’t Snowden singlehandedly outdo anything Wikileaks has ever done?

    Anyways, prerelease spectacles are stupid. Just release the damn thing with a press release to the big media outlets and take questions then.

    1. Kind of like just taking one’s talents to South Beach instead of having to promulgate one’s decision to do so.

    2. “Didn’t Snowden singlehandedly outdo anything Wikileaks has ever done?”

      Wouldn’t the parallel be this?:

      Assange = Greenwald

      Snowden = Manning

  6. Colonel’s secret recipe.

    1. That would be….delicious!

      1. Popeyes and Bojangles laugh at your seven herbs and spices.

        1. But they don’t have the chemicals to make you crave it fortnightly.

  7. It’s gossip on Ecuador’s embassy staff.

  8. “International negotiations.”

    Nixon-in-a-Jar, the reanimated.corpse.of Josef Stalin, and Mao’s digitally uploaded consciousness have reached a deal on partition of all of the Middle East, to be enforced by alien elephants.

    1. Damn, for a second there I thought we were getting a bar joke.

      1. So the elephant says, “Wikileaks? Isn’t that what Depends are for?”

        1. Thank you.

    2. That never works.

  9. a former professor of constitutional law

    Love how they’re still calling President Flyweight a “former professor” when he never actually published anything other than a couple of self-aggrandizing books.

    1. I’m pretty sure he was an adjunct which is usually a de facto acknowledgment that, whatever one’s other quals, one does not have the necessary academic qualifications.

  10. Coca-Cola Recipe?

    Number of licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

    Identity of 5th Beatle?

    Where Hoffa is buried?

    Obama’s Birth Certificate! (‘he’s’ actually a woman! from Zanzibar!)

    The REAL plot behind the metric system?!

    1. Coca-Cola recipe?

      Was surprised by coriander and neroli oil.

    2. 1. Cocaine, coal tar, and evaporated cane juice.

      2. Three.

      3. Garrett Morris

      4. 22 45th Street, Gambino, WI.

      5. Became operational at the BHO plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January, 1997.

      6. Inadequate resolution of fundamental.constants when expressed in SI units results in trains not running.o. time, requiring fascist governments to intervene.

      1. I thought Apu Nahasapeemapetilon was the fifth Beatle.

    3. Lemme tell ya ’bout your blood, Bamboo Kid.
      It ain’t Coca-Cola… it’s rice.

  11. Tomorrow marks two years that Assange has been confined within the Ecuadorian embassy in London, which is surrounded at all hours by police.

    That must suck.

    1. Maybe…


  12. Even money says it’s an international agreement we tween so-called democracies to spy on each other’s citizens and share the data.

    Either that or something to do with penis enlargement.

    1. Your theory is the best one so far.

  13. Perhaps Assange’s key to freedom is a lot more publication/release of embarrassing secrets? Especially if it causes other countries to get pissed at the USA. Seems like he’s been relatively quiet, though. Maybe potential whistle blowers see that Snowden’s reward was to live in Russia, and Manning’s was to live in Leavenworth, and they’re having second thoughts.

  14. “I think the best answer to that question was given by the author of Catch-22 when it was put to him that he hadn’t eclipsed his novel, and the response of course is, well, neither has anyone else.”

    Assange really is an arrogant pile of shit.

    1. Yeah, and so was Heller, I guess.

      Because there have been countless novels at least as good or better.

      Not that Catch-22 was bad, by any means, but … I’m pretty sure Pynchon had already done it by the time he said that (though with no attribution, perhaps not).

    2. No shit. In light of the Snowden leaks he just made himself look like either the most ignorant asshole on the planet or the most out of touch asshole on the planet.

      Not that doing the right thing for the wrong reason doesn’t have the same practical result as doing it for the right reason, but what a self-aggrandizing cunt.

  15. The new Prime Minister Modi of India has an asscrack that’s horizontal, not vertical.

    50-plus nations recall their ambassadors.

  16. Obama’s birth certificate.

  17. The secret of how Assange’s sister made $100 dollars an hour working from home.

  18. Can’t they hold off on this until we’re a little closer to pres election? That way we can get maximum derp from all concerned.

  19. “Kristinn Hrafnsson”

    Say that 5 times fast.

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