Police Abuse

Want to Scare the Bejesus Out of Your Kid With a Fake Call From the Cops? There's an App for That.

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Fake Police Call

Hey parents, aren't there days when you wish you could have a cop call and yell at your kids for you? Who doesn't occasionally want to invoke fear of a SWAT team busting down the door when Junior just won't pick up his Legos?

Now you can! Get your very own call from the cops for 99 cents. A new app will generate a fake call from "Sergeant Friendly" admonishing your kid by name for failing to do things like sleep in their own bed or clean up their toys. (There's a free version, but it doesn't have a full library of nags.)

"Hello, this is the police department," the call begins after a computer-generated voice bleats the child's name. "I heard you haven't been eating all of your food lately….I'll be checking in on you later to see that you're eating all of your food. I have to go now and catch some bad guys." And then there a police siren.  

According to the press release I received today, this is the genesis of this not-at-all creepy app:

I was visiting a mall with my two youngest children when both of them began to misbehave.  I was embarrassed by their behavior and was willing to do anything to get them to listen.  I told them that the mall police were watching them on the security cameras and that they needed to be good. At that moment, I thought to myself, how nice would it be to have a personalized phone call from a police officer to correct or reward your child's behavior. 

I contacted my wife to tell her my idea and she thought it was brilliant. After giving it some thought, the app was developed and now it's available on Apple and Android devices worldwide for FREE.  The character I created is Sergeant Friendly.  He is a police officer that children can look up to as a role model.  I didn't want to scare the children, so I made him very approachable and likable.  The first time I tried the app with my children, ages 3 and 5, they corrected their behavior immediately.  About 10 minutes later, I arranged a second call to them so that Sergeant Friendly could praise them for being good.  They were ecstatic and could not wait to tell me what Sergeant Friendly had said to them on the phone. "Daddy, Sergeant Friendly just called me and told me that he is proud of me for being good". 

And the kicker: The creator of the app is a police officer. 

The funny thing is that I happen to be a Friendly Police Officer myself with over 18 years of experience.  I hope your child loves the app just as much as mine do.  Thank you.

On a far more grim note, here's a reminder about what can happen when parents actually call the police on their kids.

NEXT: Arizona Republicans Now Seek Warrantless Searches of Abortion Clinics

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  1. I didn’t want to scare the children, so I made him very approachable and likable.

    That false sense of security around law enforcement won’t do your kids any favors later in life.

    1. Especially since the first time they run into a real cop, they’re likely to assume it’s just their parents screwing with them again.

    2. I thought the whole point was to scare the children.

      1. Most kids will learn to just hit “decline” when the officer calls.

        I can’t think of a better lesson to teach kids.

        1. The kids will probably turn around and use the same app on their parents. “Hi, This Officer Friendly. Word is, your an asshole.”

          1. Or they’ll write their own app. “Hello, this is Agent Ferguson with the Internal Revenue Service, please call 555-555-5555 to set up your appointment to be audited.”

  2. Well at least parents have a new way to tell kids their dog died.

  3. IIRC, Mary Poppins had something similar: “… or I shall be forced to summon a police officer.”

    1. Yes but back in them days Bobbies didn’t carry firearms.

    2. In the net, it was still a libertarian paradise. If I remember the movie correctly, children swept chimneys, bankers with monocles beat people, and everybody got high and laughed all day. Two thumbs way up, huzzah!

    3. I think she meant “summon” in the D&D “Summon Elemental” sense.

  4. When you answer the phone it answers with a rendering of: “We’re Sergeant Friendly’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.”

    1. “With a Little Help From My Friends” becomes a D.A.R.E. song.

    2. We’re Sergeant Friendly’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,
      Stop Resisting and enjoy the show.

      1. We’d like to beat you down with clubs, we’d love to beat you down…

  5. The first time I tried the app with my children, ages 3 and 5, they corrected their behavior immediately. About 10 minutes later, I arranged a second call to them so that Sergeant Friendly could praise them for being good.

    I trust there’s an option for when the children do *not* correct their behavior.

    1. Yes the sound of a recorded voice screaming, “Stop resisting! Stop resisting!”

      1. I would have gone with the sound of their dog being shot, but yours is good too.

  6. Libertarianism — where fun goes to die.

    1. In a hail of bullets and baton strikes.

    2. Right, because lying to and terrifying your kids in lieu of actual discipline is just a laugh riot.

      1. Thank Rothbard you’re here to scold them. Who’s the nanny? I think you are.

  7. This would be better if it was from Santa, or one of Santa’s helpers.

    1. When I was a kid you could order cassette tapes with the voice of “Santa” telling you personally by name how good you’ve been and how you’re going to get presents for Christmas.

      1. It must have scarred you for life. Weren’t there any libertarians back then to protect you from your parents?

      2. The St. Paul Pioneer Press used to have a “bulletin board” page years ago where readers could submit cute stories.

        One year a reader told how his parents would wrap empty boxes up during xmas season. If one of the kids acted up they would grab an empty box and say “Oops, I guess that is one less present for you” and pitch it into their wood furnace.

  8. I do have to wonder how the cop learned to write Android apps. Isx it that easy, or did he pay someone to do it?

    1. There are app building programs.

    2. there’s an app for that

  9. Downloading this App would have the person immediately reported to CPS in a sane world and the children would be removed from the home for their own safety.

    This is something a parent like Clevon from Idiocracy would do.

  10. How can we forget Hitch (a limey papist) being sent to jail one night as a kid?

  11. I guess when you completely fail as a parent you can resort this…

    1. It really does take a long series of consecutive failures to get to this point.

      Have these parents forgotten that they have full control of their children’s access to food and shelter?

    2. Whatever happened to the good old Bill Cosby school of parenting?
      “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out! Don’t matter to me; I can make another one look just like you!”

  12. A kid finds out Santa isn’t real when he see his parents putting the presents under the tree.

    A kid finds out “Sergeant Friendly” is an emotionally stunted bully with poor impulse control when he breaks into their house in a no-knock raid over credit card fraud and shoots the family dog.

    1. bully

      When did being a bully become a bad thing? Doesn’t being beaten up build character you pansy?

      1. I actually don’t think calling cops bullies is accurate, just because bullies actually could win in a fair fight. With cops, there are no fair fights. They commit crimes knowing that bystanders will just watch without getting involved, and if they happen to get some resistance, they can escalate to using deadly force. Their incestuous relationship with the courts and prosecutors will protect them, and if they do happen to get charged, the cop-loving lemmings on the jury will get them off ala Ramos and Co.

        I’ve always thought criminal cops were more like child molesters. They both take advantage of a disproportionate relationship, where their victims are less sophisticated and less likely to be believed. Of course, the difference is no punishment is too great in our society for child molestors, while apparently every punishment is too great for our cowardly criminals.

        1. And bullies usually leave you alone when you fight back. Cops just kill you.

        2. Cops having the mentality and tactics of child molesters. That is a good analogy.

          1. So does that mean they’re being punished too harshly? 😛

  13. What kind of fucking parent wishes that they could have the cops solve their problems for them?

    This dude is fucking sick.

    1. He’s a cop, so that’s redundant.

    2. Not only is he sick, he’s forcing parents to download his app. Who will protect the parents from this monster? WHO?

  14. Reminded me of this Far Side gem.

    1. Larson was a genius. And probably smart for retiring before he became vapid.

    2. I knew exactly which one you were linking to before I even clicked. I was practically raised on The Far Side.

  15. Anyone here old enough to remember when Reason.com didn’t spend the whole day concern-trolling its visitors?

    1. Can I get a ruling? This seems close enough to a Postrel comment that I claim we should drink. I mean it’s Friday and all.

        1. Way ahead of you, Franky D’anky. Bottoms up!

        2. You know what sucks? My club does a “when it rains, we pour” special on the rare occasion they close the course. And here I am sitting in my office while half-price booze is being consumed 20 minutes away.

          1. I’m looking forward to the daylight savings time change so I can get in nine holes after work again. When I lived up north it was easy to get in nine before work and eighteen after during the summer. Getting out of bed is a lot easier when you have that to look forward to.

          2. Come on Sloop, we all know you got a nip in your bottom right desk drawer.

            1. Actually, I have a large bottle of Gordon’s Gin. Alas, I don’t trust the other drivers on California roads when it is raining to start pouring lemon berry smashes.

              And I don’t have any ice either.

    2. We’re more residents than visitors. Locals, if you will, maybe even townies.

      1. I’ll bet you think my quip is about you.
        Don’t you? Don’t you?

  16. Prediction: if a parent has this app on their phone and they’re busted for doing something illegal, they’ll get an additional charge of impersonating an officer.

    1. Not a stretch considering in Virginia the very first use of a “using a firearm to commit a drug crime” law was when an undercover cop convinced a kid to trade him a family gun for drugs. Never mind it was supposed to be about dealers shooting at each other.

  17. Great idea, teaching your kids that they should actually call the cops when their kids don’t behave.

    What if, unlike Santa Claus, they actually reach adulthood and go out on their own still thinking that calling the cops for a trivial reason is a smart idea?

    This has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. It’s so dumb that I won’t believe if it wasn’t our own Tony who came up with it.

    Listen up, children, unlike the Boogeyman or the Devil, cops are real, and the Boogeymen and the Devil are way more benevolent than cops, who, once again, are real.

    1. Kinda of reminds me of those 911 calls for the most ridiculas reasons.

      1. Kinda of reminds me of those 911 calls for the most ridiculas reasons.

        There was actually a category on these on Jeopardy! tonight.

    2. In fairness to Tony’s stupidity, wouldn’t someone with an authority fetish like Tulpa be the more likely culprit?

      I keed… I keed…

      1. All keeding aside, you have a valid point.

  18. Jesus H, the police are already wasting tax dollars responding to shitloads of calls where a kid won’t brush his teeth or do his homework. Now we’re encouraging people to use the police for this. Yes, I know the app is fake police, but what do you think people are going to learn?

    1. Dumbasses already call the police when McDonalds fucks up their order. I think we’re already fucked, IF.

      1. Can we at least give 80% haircuts to the police pensions first?

  19. Where’s the app with the cops gay spouse, Sgt. Overly-Friendly?

  20. What happened to the old standby, “begorrah, you best behave yourself, or Oliver Cromwell will eat you!”

    Which always confused me, because my parents weren’t Irish.

  21. On the other hand….

    I supposed a KID will learn to just hit “decline” any time a police wants to speak to them.

    1. Um, my kids learned that the day I got them each their own cell phone. I believe they were 11 and 9.

    2. YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT KIDS ARE DUMB AND THEY NEED LIBERTARIANS TO PROTECT THEM FROM THEMSELVES AND THEIR PARENTS AND THE PIGS AND THE TEACHERS AND THE PROGS ARGHH!

  22. Jesus Christ, how creepy.

    This is the mentality that lead us down the road to the current police state we live in.

  23. Reading The Dragon’s Path by Daniel Abraham and have decided he is a statist prick.

    1. he is a statist prick.

      An “artist” is a statist. Film at 11.

    2. I read “The Long Price Quartet” by him. It was boring as fuck, but wasn’t particularly statist, IIRC

      I think he co-authored “The Expanse” series, as well. And that series is actually good and seems at least somewhat libertarian.

  24. I’d rather have an app that has Darth Vader call.

    “I find your lack of manners disturbing. “

    1. Surprising, given your handle.

    2. Is there an app that will do a Force choke too?

      1. Just asking for a friend?

      2. What about the electric hand thingy?

  25. New food stamp voters support GOP in voting booths:

    Among the 254 counties where food stamp recipients doubled between 2007 and 2011, Republican Mitt Romney won 213 of them in last year’s presidential election, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data compiled by Bloomberg. Kentucky’s Owsley County, which backed Romney with 81 percent of its vote, has the largest proportion of food stamp recipients among those that he carried.

    http://www.bloomberg.com/news/…..rolls.html

    1. At some point in your life, you will come to the realization that we are not GOP-fellators and consider them half of the problem.

      kthxbai

      1. About the same time he realizes that supporting every 1,000 page bill that a Democrat signs doesn’t make one a classical liberal.

        1. Quit lying.

          I said the ACA is a “waste of time” – that is hardly support.

          1. no you did not. You were in here the other day crowing about…..8%.

            1. When someone gets around to doing Weigel: The Musical, “8%” is going to be the big set-piece song.

    2. Just when I think you can’t set the bar any lower.

    3. Counting counties instead of people to make a claim about people? Is that what it’s come to?

      Poor Republicans live in rural counties and poor Democrats live in urban counties. Hence there are more counties with a majority of poor Republicans than with a majority of poor Democrats.

      Duh.

      1. Alternatively, Barack Obama favored policies designed to make Republican-leaning counties poorer.

        1. Alternatively, alternatively, Democrat counties became wealthy when they were essentially what would now be termed ‘conservative’ or ‘libertarian.’ California got rich and was the state that elected Ronald Reagan governor. Today, California is still overall wealthy, but is trending downwards since it’s become more left-wing.

          This is why Democrats saying ‘Democratic counties tend to be richer!’ is idiotic. They all became rich when they were far more conservative and have been getting poorer since going Democrat.

          I don’t think “Live Free or Die” New Hampshire became wealthy due their modern tendency to elect Dems. Something tells me they had a bit of a libertarian streak in the past.

          1. Mostly still does. Problem is all the Massholes moving in and trying to recreate the state they left.

      2. Voting is positively correlated with income. Voting GOP is more positively correlated with income. So there’s no reason to think these new food stamp recipients are even mostly voters, much less mostly GOP voters.

        Except maybe in that county mentioned, with all of its 4,755 residents.

        1. Then why does Greenwich, Palo Alto, and other rich enclaves vote Democratic?

          1. Why does Detroit vote Democratic?

          2. Do you seriously not understand the difference between a positive and a perfect correlation?

    4. Also, that statistic about food stamp voters is fucking idiotic. If you actually look at the percentage of welfare recipients, they overwhelmingly vote Democrat.

      The same is true, incidentally, of felons.

      Truly, the party that appeals to convicted rapists and murderers is the one I’d like to be a part of.

      1. If you actually look at the percentage of welfare recipients, they overwhelmingly vote Democrat.

        Sounds like a big TEAM RED lie to me…. Cite please?

        1. There’s no official government statistics on this for obvious reasons.

          But if you look at unempoyment …

          http://www.npr.org/assets/news…..opline.pdf

          PDF pages 33 and 34

        2. The bit of text that is orange and says “of felons” is what we call on the information superhighway a “hyperlink”. If you hover your mouse over it and click the left button, it will direct to you to a web page.

          1. My mistake, I see you were referencing the welfare recipients, not the felons. Here you go:

            http://www.ijreview.com/2013/1…..ecipients/

        3. Right here, asshole.

          Hardly surprising, we see that in a two-party split, 60-80% of welfare recipients are Democrats, while full time Workers are evenly divided between parties.

          You have similar results in this recent NPR-Poll. Among the Long Term Unemployed, 72% of the two-party support goes to Democrats.

          It appears that once more common sense is right and the impression left by the New York Times wrong. Indeed, people who live off the government disproportionally support Democrats.

          Fuck off.

      2. Er, Irish, I thought you were a libertarian. You know, the kind of person that realizes that a lot of felons are so because they have violated those drug laws, or tax laws, or immigration laws. Way more than are felons for rape and murder by the way.

  26. OT: Grand jury indicts 6 current, former officers

    […]

    The officers were suspended without pay and had their guns taken away, Police Chief Greg Suhr said shortly after the indictments were announced.

    “Our department is shaken. This is as serious as an issue as I can recall in my time in the department,” said an emotional Suhr […]

    —-

    Their union is going to grieve that as discriminative, prejudicial and generally unwarranted.

    1. Martin Halloran, president of the San Francisco Police Officers Association, said in a statement that the indictments were apparently based on the questionable testimony of unreliable informant witnesses.

      Yes, good thing they never use those for no-knock warrants.

      1. “…unreliable informant witnesses…”

        The same ones the cops use to secure warrants and to convict people? Their testimony is good enough to fuck you to death, but when they inform on the cops suddenly they are unreliable.

        1. You truly can’t make this shit up.

  27. So has anyone seen the Patch Adams movie? Robin Williams’ portrayal does seem to the be embodiment of all the 1960s-70s “anti-authoritarians” that is being a smug misogynistic hippie douchebag and a statist fuck.

    1. Also it contradicts its own message and seems to promote some nonsense that all we need to do is just laugh.

    2. No and I’m still waiting for an Amy Adams’ patch movie.

    3. I’ve been trying really hard to forget that I ever did. And you just ruined it.

      So, thanks for that.

  28. I’m not sure why my teevee device is on Fox… oh yeah, something about some show named Independents that I’ve almost never seen.

    But I somehow was paying attention to it for a few minutes, and I just learned that the new ‘Boogeyman’ is CYBER TERRORISTS! And it has been proclaimed that this is finally the WAR that we’ve been waiting for, the one that CAN NEVER END!

    1. The NSA are cyberterrorists.

  29. The Inderpenderants is onz.

  30. Their Android app isn’t even #HOLO.

    1. but is it halal?

  31. Wow, Kennedy has hula-hoops for earrings. We could craft a Dyson Sphere with both combined.

    1. My largest pet peeve with girls (after not-being-a-redhead, of course) is hoop earrings.

  32. I thought Piers Morgan got fired?
    Why is he still going on about guns on CNN?

  33. Move over, Bok, here are some doodles by Bill Clinton speechwriters, part of the recently-released Clinton papers:

    http://www.politico.com/galler…..23570.html

    1. They’re boring, but make up for it by being part of a slideshow.

      1. “What is the carrot?”

        how is that boring? It might as well say “what is the cigar”? \

        Second pic.

    1. The GOP should trumpet Sista Sarah as often as possible!

    2. I never understood why the media claimed Palin or Romney’s claims about Russia were ‘gaffes.’ I have no love for either, but Russia was clearly a geopolitical opponent even during the Bush years. We weren’t too concerned about it due to the multiple wars Bush got us into, but Russia’s been mucking about for well over a decade.

      They’ve essentially been a major foreign enemy of ours since the end of WWII. How was pointing this out a gaffe?

      1. It is in the subtle approach, dude.

        You don’t run up to a bitch with your dick out, do you?

        Well, that is how the Euro-world works now!

      2. Irish, one might think that when a fragile, but so far enduring, peace between sides in an amazingly costly, potentially dangerous conflict they should not bring them up as an enemy. It is like when your girlfriend brings up that thing you fought over last month but you thought, and she said, was resolved.

    1. “Crimeans began protesting after the new self-proclaimed government in Kiev introduced a law abolishing the use of other languages in official circumstances in Ukraine.”

  34. So many scolds and nannies here…
    It’s a libertarian hen house!

  35. What happens when the kid resists sergeant friendly?

    “Sergeant friendly will bash in your little face if you don’t stop being bad!!!.”

  36. “Kent this is God” was a much better approach.

  37. Yes, make your kids do things for authority figures without ever understanding why. What a terrible and lazy thing to do. You know for a fact this is gonna’ backfire when those kids hit their teens and start becoming independent. Major fail.

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