Tonight on The Independents: Special Super Bowl Edition, Featuring Superstitions, Urban Legends, Weed, Hangover Cures, The League's Katie Aselton, Plus a Live Guac-off!

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Tonight's episode of The Independents (9 pm ET, 6 pm PT on Fox Business Network, repeats at midnight and throughout the weekend), provides the kind of Super Bowl coverage that you can probably only find on…The Independents!

For instance: Executive Director Allen St. Pierre of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) will talk about what the "Weed Bowl" matchup between two cities from states where recreational marijuana is legal means to anti-Drug War activists (as well as to the partiers in Denver and Seattle). NFL.com analyst Dave Dameshek will describe some of the bizarre superstitions and rituals practiced by football players and fans alike. Comedian Sherrod Small and Fox Business Network reporter Sandra Smith will play a game of Super Bowl Fact or Fiction, with questions ranging from domestic violence to 9/11 to a bunch of other stuff that's actually funny.

Esquire

Actress Katie Aselton of the raucous fantasy-football FXX show The League will relay what she's learned about the world of online sports and why smack-talking bro-dude shows like hers & FXX's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia resonate with viewers. We'll also talk hangover cures, including footage from a Reason.tv feature on a hangover truck in Las Vegas. And the show's creme de la avocado will be an all-pro guacamole-making contest between myself and the shouty host-lady.

If you haven't seen it yet, make sure to check out our interview with the thoughtful libertarian cornerback Chris Carr. And as always, send your tweets out to @IndependentsFBN.

Comments

[Tman]

Carr is a libertarian?

Cool, we loved him when he played for the Titans.

[Episiarch]

And the show's creme de la avocado will be an all-pro guacamole-making contest between myself and the shouty host-lady.

Make her guacamole earrings.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Matt or Kennedy automatically win if they produce precisely 6.0221 ounces of guacamole.

[Episiarch]

That is a supremely nerdy joke. I hate you. But I respect you.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Can't say it is my own. Trader Joe's sells "Avocado's Number" guacamole.

[Episiarch]

Now I don't hate you. But I don't respect you either.

[playa manhattan]

As a "white hispanic", what the hell are you doing with store bought Guac?

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Who says I bought it? I only noted its presence because of the nerdy pun and picture.

That being said, there are Mexican markets where it is more than acceptable to buy freshly made guacamole or salsa.

[playa manhattan]

I know, "El Super" is one of the 5 supermarkets I frequent, depending on what I need.

Good mini flour tortillas for Korean taco night, 3 lbs of onions for a buck, $.29 cilantro bunches, cheap carne ranchera, etc etc.

[playa manhattan]

Somebody took some some science classes outside of his major.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

http://www.traderjoes.com/imag.....camole.jpg

[playa manhattan]

You still knew the number. Lawyered!

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Yeah, well I hated chemistry in high school but my chem teacher was awesome and, I'm convinced, passed me with a C minus simply because I would show up to all the after-school group study sessions.

But I at least was able to remember the number.

[playa manhattan]

You can tell a lot about a person by their guacamole making skills. I'm partial to the Rick Bayless recipe that has tomatillos in in it.

[Episiarch]

That sounds pretty good as an alternative to making with tomato.

[playa manhattan]

I sometimes cheat and use his mix.

[Corning]

Its official:

The whole South is full of idiots

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnTJTP-_uYw

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Remind me who elected Bill Blasio? What region were they from? And Chris Christie? And that lady from the Workers' and Peasants' Republic of Seattle?

[Calidissident]

Someone's a little sensitive. It's not like Northeasterners and Californians don't get shit on daily here. Lighten up.

And it's de Blasio btw

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Kiss my grits

[Notorious G.K.C.]

And she said something about being from Chicago.

[Corning]

relax Notorious i am only trollin.

Although i know almost nothing of The South i do like it.

I grew up and live in Eastern Washington State by the way and have lived in Seattle and Portland.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

peace dude, I wasn't really mad, just counter-trolling.

[playa manhattan]

A guy in my Facebook feed was blaming the "fake" snow on HAARP. For the record, he's in the nation of islam, and posts like that aren't out of the ordinary for him.

[Agammamon]

That sort of thing isn't out of the ordinary for *the nation of Islam* altogether.

[playa manhattan]

True. Lots of other conspiracy stuff. Especially anti-vaccine posts.

[Virginian]

I listen to sports radio at work. Sometimes they have little newsbreaks. Which I was treated to fucking Schumer talking about desperately unfair it was that insurance premiums had risen sharply post Sandy.

Fuck these people. Fuck them so much. Why the fuck do I have to pay so you can live near the beach without paying higher insurance?

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Do Amanda Knox!

Ah, I mean, discuss the 2ble Jeopardy implications.

[Tejicano]

But only if you can discuss it in Italian.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

But she speaks American!

Look, it's perfect talk-show fodder.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Extradition treaty with Italy:

http://internationalextraditio...../italy.pdf

[Tejicano]

Back when "English only" was a thing some bible thumper was presenting her position to some state legistlature and concluded her little tirade with "... and if English was good enough for Jesus..."

[Calidissident]

Please tell me there is video of this

[Notorious G.K.C.]

I somehow doubt it, this is a story which goes back in various versions to the 19th century, often accompanied by a phrase like "it is said" -

http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl.....03084.html

The Snopes fans discuss this:

http://msgboard.snopes.com/cgi.....000448;p=1

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Hey, guys, we found an urban legend!

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Attribute the remark to Tim Tebow and watch it catch like wildfire!

[Tejicano]

This was Fall of 1991, I was in Tucson, AZ watching it on TV - PBS or cable, can't remember now. The debate/discussion/presentation was in AZ - Phoenix IIRC. I can't pin it down much more than that.

[Rufus J. Firefly]

Si, sono pronto.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

(Talking about Heather Locklear's character)

Alan Shore: I can see you are aroused. But might you consider that the last man to make love to her died while doing so.

Denny Crane: I'll take my chances.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Huh huh, the Stupor Bowl, huh huh, the Smoka Bowl, the The stuff on the Field Isn't the Only Grass Around Here Bowl.

"Peanuts! Getcher peanuts here! Weed! Getcher weed!"

Huh huh

[kibby]

Now I just need to stay awake long enough to make it to the beginning of the show.

[Episiarch]

(hands kibby some amphetamines)

[kibby]

Thanks?

[Irish]

I wouldn't take any drugs that Epi handed you.

[playa manhattan]

Even if they have his logo?

[kibby]

It's such a happy pink teddy bear!

[Episiarch]

Shut up, Irish.

(slips mickey into Irish's drink)

[Agammamon]

THAT"S RACIST!

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Yeah! Irish is clearly a Warner Bros. kind of guy.

[playa manhattan]

It repeats, but you'll miss all of the clever live-blogging here...

[kibby]

I know...watching you guys be ridiculous is my favorite part of the show. That & Kmele schooling idiots.

[playa manhattan]

I'm going out for a delicious hanger steak with chimichurri tonight, but I'm sure Serious and Francisco will pick up the slack.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

I was planning on staying in (I have to work all weekend, which means waking up at 4:30) but out of the blue this girl I went out with but I haven't heard from in over a week is texting me...

[kibby]

Well that's what you get for interacting with people outside of the internet.

[playa manhattan]

She must know that you have a job now.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Maybe, although she probably makes 5 times what I do.

[playa manhattan]

Doing what?

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

She's a year younger than me and has a degree in creative writing and Latin from a small liberal arts college.

But she's managed to find great success as a freelance editor and writes stage shows for Disneyland. Needless to say I'm very impressed.

[Lady Bertrum]

If you like then you better put a ring on it.

[playa manhattan]

Lock that in (if she's attractive). You're not getting any younger, plus she can pay for dinner.

[Episiarch]

Jesus, guys, let him actually get to know her first. It'll probably take him another week or two to get intimidated by her and the fact that she makes more than him, and what does he do then, huh? Something stupid, that's what.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Well we've only been out three times, so let's put a pin in that. She is pretty cute though.

We haven't discussed politics at all so I don't really know what she believes in.

[playa manhattan]

I'm gonna find you on Facebook, where I assume there will be pictures.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Yeah, I've probably divulged more than enough over time for you to figure that out.

Although I'm pretty sure my privacy settings wouldn't allow you to see anything. In any case you wouldn't see any pictures of her since I haven't friend-ed her yet.

[playa manhattan]

You posted your full name the other day. I assumed it was intentional. I think it was when you were quoting your comments at Slate or somewhere else.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Meh, I don't really care. You can even add me if you like. I'm actually rather apolitical with my Facebook posts.

[playa manhattan]

OK. My identity shall remain top secret, though.

[kibby]

Uh, clearly I need to take a seminar by her. Knowing Latin is so cool but nobody wants to hire us. =(

[Lady Bertrum]

I hired a Latin tutor for my oldest son. She has a classics degree in both Latin and Greek from Rutgers and is trying to get a full time teaching job. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of demand right now. Too bad. It is an admirable skill, though. Wish I had it.

[Episiarch]

You lose it if you don't use it, though. I had six years and I'd be hard pressed to do much but the most trivial translation at this point.

[kibby]

Definitely. I'm still okay on my Latin (mostly because I'm going through the books again & translating everything), but my Greek extends to a few words & the accusative form of oxen.

Oxen are used a lot in Athenade.

[Lady Bertrum]

Epi and kibby, both impressive.

My son is working on translating the Aeneid with some struggle.

[playa manhattan]

How old, if you don't mind my asking?

[playa manhattan]

To clarify: your son who is working on translating the Aeneid.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

To clarify: your son who is working on translating the Aeneid.

Nice save.

[Lady Bertrum]

My son is 15. He's had 3 years of Latin.

[Episiarch]

The Aeneid is an epic poem, so it's in meter. That's not the best choice if he's just starting out. Caesar's Gallic Wars are much easier and straightforward. If you want to drive him mad, give him Cicero.

[kibby]

FUCK. CICERO.

We did Vergil in 202 & I flipping loved him. I still get weepy when I read that poem.

[Lady Bertrum]

I don't get to choose the material. He does love the story but the work is hard.

[Episiarch]

The funniest thing to me about people who have taken Latin is that our experiences are usually fucking identical, often even down to the Nazi-like Latin teacher, which is why this Monty Python bit is so funny, yet true.

[Lady Bertrum]

That & Kmele schooling idiots.

Kmele is good at schooling. He's also adorable. I'm going to get a little Kmele action figure and dress it in spanx, cardigan sweaters, and pocket kerchiefs. He can sit on my desk and frown disapprovingly at my utilitarianism.

[kibby]

Um, will you be selling these? Because I need one for every room in my apartment -- except probably the bathroom. That might be weird.

He is kind of my hero.

[Lady Bertrum]

Letting someone watch you pee or watching someone pee destroys the romance.

We can get a 3D printer and become entrepreneurs. Will make a tiny Kennedy with huge earrings and a Welch with a bad suit.

[kibby]

*cringes at Matt's terrible suits* I'm a little horrified that his wife lets him wear some of those things.

Clearly you & I are kindred spirits, as well as destined to be filthy rich because of your amazing idea of which I am arbitrarily taking half ownership.

[playa manhattan]

It's never the wrong time to wear a tuxedo.

[Lady Bertrum]

*shacking hands*

It's a deal. We'll get started on this right after I finish my glass of wine, or maybe later.

Also, his wife is French. Aren't they suppose to have some sense of style?

[Lady Bertrum]

Shaking hands.

It's the wine.

[kibby]

All French people must not be created equal in re fashion. I am basically a color-blind toddler when it comes to that area & even I realize those clothes just don't work.

Luckily Matt is pretty awesome so he can outshine the outfits.

[Episiarch]

Will they be the dreamcatcher earrings? Please say yes.

[Lady Bertrum]

Only if you design them for us, Epi. You're obviously an earring guy. Much like Serious Man is a breast guy.

[playa manhattan]

Freudian slip? I thought he was a dress guy...

[Lady Bertrum]

I don't judge.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Each time Lady B talks about True Detective I bring up which actress was topless as a highlight.

Before it was Alex Dadarrios and last week it was Michelle Monaghan.

Two very different but oh so wonderful pairs. Woody Harrelson was in both scenes so he's one lucky son of a hitman.

[Lady Bertrum]

I'm sure it goes without saying, but don't talk about Alexandra on your date with Disney girl.

[playa manhattan]

I know 1 of the things you mentioned (Woody Harrelson), the rest is just confusing. I am pleased to learn that you enjoy breasts also.

[Episiarch]

There are these, but they don't look like they catch enough dreams. I want to see ones that capture entire nightmares.

(thunder booms and lightning flashes)

[playa manhattan]

You might have to road trip it to Sedona in person to find what you seek.

[kibby]

I'll bet you could find some acid-induced dreamcatcher earrings on Etsy. People make the most bizarre stuff.

[Ted S.]

Letting someone watch you pee or watching someone pee destroys the romance.

I'm sure there are posters here who are kinky enough to like seeing that.

(I'm not one of those posters.)

[Ted S.]

What clever live-blogging?

[The hand that whips the orphan]

A person I know posts this derptastic nonsense on Facebook: Gallup Poll Finds Democrats More Compassionate; Republicans More Psychopathic

I point out the absurdity of equating empathy with believing it's the governments job to address the poor. Long discussion ensues where I point out the various ways Obama has screwed the poor.

Person I'm debating with makes the below comment after I asked what he thinks of Obamas "empathetic" immigration policies. Keep in mind this person is an unrepentant, diehard team blue player - he would literally excuse Obama if he assassinated a two-year-old child on national television - and he just finished telling me how callous Republicans are and how Democrats are so kind and nurturing.

[The hand that whips the orphan]

"Current Federal immigration laws address being in the country illegally, overstaying a legal visa, violation of criminal statutes or any number of other offenses - after a judicial process. If such a person or person(s) are caught and tried, I have no problem with deportation.

2 million surpasses that of his predecessor President Bush. I say good job."

Then on nonviolent drug offenders:

"Until the laws are changed, those people are probably right where they belong as far as I'm concerned."

And finally on Afghanistan:

"An inherited war that he reluctantly added 30,000 additional troops for a "surge" ( against his better judgement ) , because Bush had in Iraq and that supposedly worked out well...are you kidding. Read the papers lately on Iraq ? No one in history has ever conquered Afghanistan and held it."

[The hand that whips the orphan]

"Current Federal immigration laws address being in the country illegally, overstaying a legal visa, violation of criminal statutes or any number of other offenses - after a judicial process. If such a person or person(s) are caught and tried, I have no problem with deportation.

2 million surpasses that of his predecessor President Bush. I say good job."

Then on nonviolent drug offenders:

"Until the laws are changed, those people are probably right where they belong as far as I'm concerned."

And finally on Afghanistan:

"An inherited war that he reluctantly added 30,000 additional troops for a "surge" ( against his better judgement ) , because Bush had in Iraq and that supposedly worked out well...are you kidding. Read the papers lately on Iraq ? No one in history has ever conquered Afghanistan and held it."

[Sevo]

"An inherited war that he reluctantly added 30,000 additional troops for a "surge" ( against his better judgement )"...

(SOB!) He WANTS to do good, but those mean people around him make him do bad things!
I mean those horrible people like Beria! They MAKE Comrade Stalin do bad things!
(SOB!)

[The hand that whips the orphan]

His level of team play is truly something to behold. He would defend absolutely anything a Democrat did and has an almost pathological like hatred of Republicans.

Last year for about the entire two months prior to the election he put up literally 15-20 Mitt hating posts per day on Facebook. His profile had thousands of them. I have no idea where he even found so much material, it was astonishing. Lately it's been Chris Christie, but he only warrants about three per day at this point although I'm sure that'll pick up if this "Christie knew all along" thing pans out.

[Palin's Buttplug]

Another bogus Obamacare story: The GOP's 'Bette'

http://www.latimes.com/busines.....z2s1xk0aC8

[Sevo]

Yeah, bogus, asshole. She got her insurance canceled.
Go fuck your daddy.

[Palin's Buttplug]

New Washington Post/ABC 2016 poll:

The new survey puts Christie in third place ? with the support of 13 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents ? behind Rep. Paul Ryan (Wis.) with 20 percent and former Florida governor Jeb Bush at 18 percent. The rest of the scattered pack includes Sens. Ted Cruz (Tex.), Rand Paul (Ky.) and Marco Rubio (Fla.), who are at 12, 11 and 10 percent, respectively.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....story.html

One of those just bit the dust. Who will get Christie's supporters?

[Corning]

Who will get Christie's supporters?

Hilary. Of course they were going to vote for her, or whoever the dem nominee is, in the general anyway.

[Francisco d Anconia]

INDEPENDENTS ASSEMBLE!

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Since it's a football based episode, here's the greatest bit of football music ever (never mind the team it is associated with)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn9AxPut5sk

[Palin's Buttplug]

The music like that made 'This Week in Pro Football' a great show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4E0AXU2myM

Here are their best football themes. That show was awesome.

[playa manhattan]

Right on time. I could set my watch to you.

[Francisco d Anconia]

I have no life.

[Episiarch]

AIGGHHH NOT CAVUTO

[Bam!]

Did our earrings comments get to her?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Invisible earrings.

[Episiarch]

Well you clearly no longer love earrings, Kennedy.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

I think Matt just made an obscene jester towards the audience.

[Ted S.]

An obscene jester. You mean like Lenny Bruce? Or more potty-mouthed?

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Nice catch.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Again no ear accoutrements.

[Ted S.]

I tend to find bing hanging earrings unsexy.

[Ted S.]

That should of course read "big hanging earrings".

[Bam!]

She killed a throw pillow and had it make into a dress.

[Episiarch]

It looks more like some sort of lizard skin. How many iguanas died for your dress, Kennedy?

[Episiarch]

If they don't have that Fiat commercial from the other year, this list is RIGGED.

[Fist of Etiquette]

They're starting at number 7?

[Fist of Etiquette]

HOW ARE THEY HOLDING THE BALL? THEY HAVE NO APPENDAGES.

[Episiarch]

OK the Reebok commercial was pretty damn funny.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Kmele knows a suspiciously lot about Terry Tate.

[Francisco d Anconia]

BS Welch. The frogs kill!

[Bam!]

Crawford was a never nude, by the looks of her cut offs.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

1992 was the year TV Guide readers voted Crawford and Patrick Stewart as the most "bodacious" woman and man on TV.

[kibby]

This episode is already AMAZING.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Someone needs to tell me how old Foster is.

[Episiarch]

By the looks of his sweater, somewhere in the Fred Rogers range.

[kibby]

No, that outfit is amazing.

[Episiarch]

Are you implying I was saying something negative about Mr. Rogers? Because that's a bridge too far!

[kibby]

I have no idea. I put way too much gin in this drink.

[Episiarch]

Maybe you should take some out.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Yeah none of this tells me how old Foster is.

[kibby]

Not too old for me?

[Lady Bertrum]

Married.

[kibby]

Should that stop us from looking?

[Lady Bertrum]

Looky, looky, but no touchy.

[kibby]

I don't touch anyone anyways, so this works perfectly for me.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Don't know, but I found this while looking.

Comments are great.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

tj123 ? 13 days ago ?
What a shock.
Fox has another black token to go on tv to comfort racists in their racism.
Who could of saw that shocker coming?

He later says:

tj123 Jeff Tildon ? 12 days ago ?
It's a fitting word. When you accept a check to go on a TV news network who made it's name in racism and race baiting and your only job is talk down, insult, and disparage black people then you are the definition of a token. You lose all respect at that point because you have no self-respect for yourself.

All black males on fox news and fox business follow the same script:
"Say things about black people that we want to say but can't say, so we're going to pay you to say it"

Get back on the progressive plantation, Kmele.

[Corning]

Anyone have a link to a live stream...the Canadian one i have does not seem to be working

[All-Seeing Monocle]

http://www.zenex.tv/foxbusiness11

[Corning]

Thanks

[All-Seeing Monocle]

OH COME ON.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Lemon parties were much different back in the 80's.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Best ever was the clydesdale.

[Bam!]

Those police aren't nearly military enough for the modern era.

[Fist of Etiquette]

So the libertarian show applauds the destruction of private property?

[Episiarch]

Ah, the Apple ad. For those who don't know, that was actually directed by Ridley Scott.

[Corning]

From that to Prometheus...

how far he has fallen.

[Lady Bertrum]

With Gladiator in between.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Gladiator wasn't a bad movie, but it was definitely overrated. It certainly wasn't better than 'Traffic'.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

This Budweiser ad is the one I remember the most, mainly because I had never seen my dad and uncle laugh so hard while my mom and aunt remained silent in the room.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

Haaa hahahaha. Excellent.

[playa manhattan]

That would never air in the day and age.

[playa manhattan]

this

[Ted S.]

Youtube is claiming that video isn't available in my country, yet I'm in the US. What gives?

I presume it's the same commercial as this one?

I also like this Budweiser commercial, since it's so true too.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

And now the NSA uses those apple devices to track you.

[Lady Bertrum]

All versions of Windows have secret coding inserted by the NSA. So, yeah.

[kibby]

I'm totally rooting for Matt on this. Because his tie makes me happy. & he's adorable.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Are you sure you know which one Matt is?

[Episiarch]

She's drunk, leave her alone. She doesn't know what she's saying.

[kibby]

It's a FUN TIE. & he IS adorable. Don't listen to Epi, he's just jealous.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I never do.

[Episiarch]

That has no bearing on the fact that you're clearly falling down drunk.

[kibby]

Because I'm not criticizing Matt's tie?

[Episiarch]

No, because you're slurring your typing.

[kibby]

You need to get your eyes checked. Or ears? Wait, I'm confused.

[Episiarch]

See?!? See?!?

[kibby]

NO I AM TOO DRUNK TO SEE CLEARLY.

[Episiarch]

Kennedy and Kmele are Mac people? I'm so disillusioned.

[Matt Welch]

Not me!

[Corning]

Linux?

[Bobarian]

Parchment and feather?

[Episiarch]

I was already disillusioned with you for other reasons, Matt. No, that doesn't help at all.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Matt, I beg you. Two things for this weekend. Tell the weekend crew to cut the old comments off of the retreaded stories, and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE have a separate open thread for the football freaks.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Yeah, don't let them pollute weekend NHL conversations with football talk.

[playa manhattan]

What are you? Gentoo?

[Timon 19]

I'm too lazy for that. Ubuntu and Mint at home, RHEL/CentOS for testing stuff at work out.

[Fist of Etiquette]

No Career Builder monkey commercials?

[Lady Bertrum]

When Matt left the office early this week, we now know where he went. To Whole Food to squeeze avocados.

[Episiarch]

So, as I suspected, not Fiat commercial. RIGGED.

[playa manhattan]

I remember when I used to drink Bud Light.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I was at a bachelor party with Jim Kelly's brother once. True story.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Did you tell him that in a week the bachelor would be tied with him for number of rings?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Ouch. No. It was the brother, not Jimmy. Although I think he was the player's "manager" at the time.

The only thing I remember from this brush with greatness was that I offhandedly said about the adult film being shown, "I lost my handle on the plot here." To which he replied without skipping a beat, "Yeah, now why is he fucking her again?"

[Episiarch]

Huh, I used to puke after races, not before.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Everything cool originated on ice.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

So Kelly liked to choke before the game too?

[Episiarch]

ZING

[Fist of Etiquette]

KA. POW.

[Episiarch]

OH SNAP KENNEDY WITH THE RAY LEWIS MURDERER JOKE

[playa manhattan]

FdA's favorite lawyer.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Until I get mesothelioma.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I wonder how many hooks the NSA has into Carbonite's storage servers.

[Bobarian]

Carbonite is just a front for the NSA.

Cuts out the middleman.

[Bam!]

This episode is feeling like BuzzFeed converted into video.

[Fist of Etiquette]

No need to get nasty.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

Ouch.

[Episiarch]

Oh wonderful, puns. I'm not stoned enough for this, and FoE is too stoned for it.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I'm tripping balls. Foot balls.

[Corning]

Players wives are getting stoned so now they play better

[Corning]

Wounded warrior

"I use to win the fight to keep pot illegal until i took an arrow to da knee"

[All-Seeing Monocle]

That whole segment was surprisingly tone deaf. Dude, you're using your MSNBC lines on FBN.

[Ted S.]

My dad was a victim of the peacetime draft and spent 18 months at White Sands NM around 1962. I wonder if he got a paper cut or anything so I can refer to him as a "wounded warrior".

[Michael S. Langston]

My father-in-law said he and some others, mostly accountant types for the Navy, were sent to "protect" some college during the latter stages of Vietnam. One of the guys he was with was running down some outside concrete stairs, fell and broke his foot.

Since technically speaking he was hurt during wartime they promptly awarded this hero the Purple Heart.

[Redmanfms]

Since technically speaking he was hurt during wartime they promptly awarded this hero the Purple Heart.

Bullshit.

[kibby]

This commercial is astoundingly upsetting to me. Time to go squeeze my cats until they hate me a little.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

They're cats, they already hate you a little.

(cat person)

[kibby]

This is terribly true.

[Episiarch]

Great, a fucking abused animal commercial, with the added assault of "You Are So Beautiful To Me" by Joe Cocker playing.

[Ted S.]

You made me think of this commercial.

[Episiarch]

Fact or fiction: having on guests and then doing a bit where they don't talk is wasteful.

[Corning]

Of course the libertarians get that one right.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Stillers fans' wives know that's fact for every Sunday during football season.

[Episiarch]

Whoa...was Kennedy at a loss for words for a record time of 0.46 seconds?!?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Fact, but he called it after the fact.

[Francisco d Anconia]

4/7

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Why was MASH so popular that no show ever will come close to matching the finale?

[Episiarch]

Everyone was so glad it was over after 10 years that they tuned in to make sure Alan Alda was finished.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

That also explains the very high ratings for the 'Lost' finale. Only JJ Abrams didn't stop.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Everyone knew it was M*A*S*H.

[kibby]

Give Matt his little victory.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Oh yeah? Well what TV show's record did the MASH finale break?

[Fist of Etiquette]

That's My Hitler.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Well played. Who could forget that episode where Hitler is running late for his anniversary dinner with Eva but ends up trapped in an elevator with a gay Frenchman, a Yiddish-speaking Jew, and a goosestepping fan boy?

[Francisco d Anconia]

Dallas, Who Shot JR?

[Corning]

I forget did Radar die in that one or did Alen Alda think a woman chocked a chicken to death rather then her infant?

[Fist of Etiquette]

IT WAS A BABY!!!

[Fist of Etiquette]

Elvis Costello again?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Fantasy football? This whole time I've been calling it fancy football.

[Bam!]

She's wearing earrings, Kennedy, why can't you?

[Episiarch]

Katie, all people win fantasy football the first time they play. It's because they aren't destroying their chances of winning by actually trying to strategize.

[Episiarch]

Better than Always Sunny?!? That's it, Matt. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[Corning]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fP4emqw7O4

Obviously he has only seen the later seasons.

[Matt Welch]

I was just being nice.

[Episiarch]

Lying about which show is better isn't nice, Matt.

[BiMonSciFiCon]

I'd say they're equal.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Is she describing fantasy football or Reason Hit & Run?

[kibby]

Why are you still here?

[Episiarch]

Oh, you didn't realize the girl he was talking about was imaginary? Sorry, we thought everyone knew.

[kibby]

Just because all girls are imaginary to you doesn't mean that's true for everyone.

[Episiarch]

YES. IT. DOES. It has to!!!

[kibby]

I'll bet I've slept with more girls than you!

[Episiarch]

Go on...

[kibby]

I'm sorry, did you want me to share my personal life after you've accused me of being drunk all night?

[Episiarch]

Was I off base with that?

[kibby]

...Yes?

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

We're making plans for next week. On a night when I don't work the next day.

[kibby]

Hooray!

[Episiarch]

I thought Pokemon was D&D for jocks.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

Not homoerotic enough.

[Dry_Gin_Wet_Farts]

Kmele, el racisto sombrero.

[Episiarch]

I'd complement you on having the balls to wear a pink shirt while making guacamole, Matt, except that I don't compliment Always Sunny haters.

[William of Purple]

WHAT ABOUT AFTER M*A*S*H!!!!

[kibby]

MATT IN AN APRON. My brain does not know how to handle this weird dichotomy.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

He actually wears the apron better than Kennedy.

[kibby]

Aprons fall better on men, imho. Boobs get in the way.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Kennedy has boobs?

[kibby]

That's terrible. You apologize right now.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Sooooory Kennedy...

*hangs head, thumps foot*

If-ya-can't-say-something-nice ---- don't-say-nuthin-at-all.

[kibby]

(Did you just listen to me? Do I have magical powers within the realm of Hit & Run???)

[Francisco d Anconia]

Finite Incantatum!

Not any more.

[kibby]

Dammit. This is what I get for leaving here to research for class.

[kibby]

Dammit. This is what I get for leaving here to research for class.

[Dry_Gin_Wet_Farts]

Mine are bigger.

[kibby]

That sounds like a personal problem.

[Dry_Gin_Wet_Farts]

It is. Especially when I run. Fortunately, I rarely feel the need to flee. If only they made a mansierre. Or a bro.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Why are you wasting time with so many avocados? You only need to make enough guac to shove into Foster's pie hole.

[Archduke von Pantsfan]

I would like an Avocado that is ripe for more than 20 seconds.
HELP ME SCIENCE

[kibby]

Do you live at the North Pole or something?

[Bobarian]

At 2 minutes, this is the longest segment they've ever had on this show.

[Episiarch]

I think Kmele got Louie Anderson confused with an avocado.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Who signs Foster's paycheck?

[Francisco d Anconia]

She bought the judge with gin.

[Matt Welch]

Ding ding ding! Also, she poured salsa into hers!

[Corning]

You really need a matrix, like salsa, to hold any hot zest in guac.

It is made out of friggin avocados. Splashing Tabasco just will not cut it.

May as well be pissing in the ocean.

[Corning]

Did anyone think Matt was going to win?

[All-Seeing Monocle]

He was ROBBED.

[kibby]

HE WAS.

[Corning]

Kennedy put some home made salsa in her batch and Matt was sprinkling friggin tiger hot sauce or whatever in his.

The game was over before half time.

[Bobarian]

After seeing Kmele do that spin, I can tell that he's really a white guy with a tan, just like the president.

[Corning]

The soul is in the eyes.

Black men loose theirs with their sight just like everyone else.

[Bam!]

We had the ASPCA commercial and now the Wounded Warrior Project commercial. If we get the starving African children commercial before show ends, I'll make the Guilty Trip Trifecta.

[kibby]

Feeding things to Kmele needs to be a recurring segment, clearly.

[SIV]

What kind of Californian is Matt?
A LOSER

(Shouldn't any guacamole sit for a few hours to let the flavors blend?)

[Episiarch]

Kennedy was just speaking directly to you, kibby!

[kibby]

WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?

[Episiarch]

BECAUSE I CAN BE.

[Fist of Etiquette]

How can any dean be so mean?

[Episiarch]

Oh, you haven't seen how mean this dean can be...en.

[kibby]

If that was a reference, it went over my head.

[Episiarch]

It's from Community.

[kibby]

Ohhhh, yeah.

[Fist of Etiquette]

You are so streets behind.

[kibby]

ALERT NERD.

[Fist of Etiquette]

BAN IT.

[kibby]

What did we tell you about giving them ideas?

[Fist of Etiquette]

The diesel fumes replaced the booze in your system.

[Francisco d Anconia]

I simply stay drunk.

[The Bearded Hobbit]

Drink shit-tons of water before you go to bed and count on a nap the morning after. That's about the best cure.

... Hobbit

[Corning]

An old roommate I had told me avocados cure hangovers coincidently enough.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Eat eggs the next morning. And hydrate.

[Corning]

You can train them!!!

It just takes 18 years.

[Fist of Etiquette]

AH! Lou Dobbs.

[Episiarch]

Oh, Lou. I missed you.

AIIIGHGHH LOU DOBBS

[All-Seeing Monocle]

Something tells me Lou won't be making any guac.

[kibby]

I think even the word is too exciting for him to utter.

[All-Seeing Monocle]

I want to see Kennedy stumbling around in the Lou Dobbs set background.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Now I do, too.

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Don't bother, Cleveland Browns, we got this.

"MECHANICSBURG, Ohio (AP) -- An Ohio man's family has fulfilled his dying wish - to be buried astride his beloved Harley-Davidson motorcycle encased in a see-through casket....

"He started the project himself, buying three extra burial plots next to his wife, Lorna. His sons, Pete and Roy, fashioned the casket out of Plexiglas, reinforcing the bottom with wood and steel rods to handle the extra weight....

"He'd done right by us all these years, and at least we could see he goes out the way he wanted to," Pete Standley said.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/s.....TE=DEFAULT

[The Bearded Hobbit]

Why was he wearing a helmet?

... Hobbit

[RishJoMo]

Dude seems to know what time of day it is for sure.

http://www.AnonStuffz.tk

[All-Seeing Monocle]

Thanks for signing us off anonbot.

For the late shift people... YOU ALL SUCK!!!!

[Killaz]

If posted earlier, no apologies --

http://gawker.com/ian-mckellen.....1513432818

[Francisco d Anconia]

Limey bastards.

[Corning]

Everyone knows everyone is going to die in Game of Thrones right?

I mean I am just assuming everyone knows that, but sometimes I wonder.

[Francisco d Anconia]

Well, I'll quit watching when they kill off Ygritte.

[Corning]

errr...

I have good news and I have bad news.

[BiMonSciFiCon]

INDEPENDENTS REASSEMBLE!

[BiMonSciFiCon]

Kennedy with the Jim Kelly burn.

[BiMonSciFiCon]

All three independents looking sharp tonight.

[cheap kits]

Person I'm debating with makes the below comment after I asked what he thinks of Obamas "empathetic" immigration policies.

[onitsuka tiger mexico 66]

If you haven't seen it yet, make sure to check out our interview with the thoughtful libertarian cornerback Chris Carr. And as always, send your tweets out to @IndependentsFBN.