Crony Capitalism

'The Kronies' Will Make You Laugh in Despair about the State of American Capitalism

It's funny because it's true. Wait ... that's awful, actually.


Big G knows better than some flimsy scrap of paper, citizen!
"The Kronies"

All hail Chimera Incorporated! What, you think that corporation name sounds sinister? What kind of American are you, anyway? No, Chimera Incorporated is bringing us "The Kronies," the awesome super-powered team that keeps this country big and strong through the tools of crony capitalism. Save us from those selfish entrepreneurs who want the unpredictable "market" to decide who the winners are. Why should the market get to decide when we've got all this influence?

Here's an introduction to The Kronies:

I defy you to find a better way to reach Gen Xers who distrust the government (by which I mean, "Gen Xers") than a parody of terrible Saturday morning cartoons from 30 years ago. The site for the Kronies is here, featuring descriptions of their "heroes" and their abilities to direct government spending their way with powers like mandates and boondoggles. Right now they represent the ethanol industry, big banks, big labor, and the military-industrial complex, led by "Big G," the manifestation of the bipartisan nature (his costume is equally split between red and blue) of government crony spending. The site promises a shop coming soon, and we can only hope they follow through.

Glenn Beck and The Blaze tracked down the mastermind of the site, John Papola, CEO of Austin-based production company Emergent Order. Beck interviewed Papola about the bipartisanship nature of crony capitalism and the business culture that makes it so hard to fight. In short, the more powerful the government, the greater the incentive for crony capitalism.

"I really believe that it's fundamentally the unique nature of government as a monopoly that gives rise to these things," he told Beck. "Whether you're General Motors or General Electric or — you name the big corporation — and you have a fiduciary duty to go after the maximum profit, and you have the opportunity to use legislation to help do that or help keep your competitors at bay, you're gonna do it. The incentives are so perverse that it's not even a matter of morality after a certain point, because if your competitors are doing it, are you going to fire your people to be the nice guy, because you let the other guy take the subsidies and rig the rules against you?"

I'm crossing my fingers for a video game in the future. As it's a licensed intellectual property, it must be a very, very bad video game that costs too much, as is typically the case.

NEXT: White House Petition to Deport Justin Bieber Reaches Threshold for Response

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. What tells me the actual point of this will be lost on a lot of (most) people?

    1. I saw some conservative on twitter who said ‘This shows the state of capitalism in Obama’s America.’

      You know, because military cronyism has never been aided by Republicans and no Republicans craft loopholes for businesses in their own districts.

      So the answer to your question: The fact that people are partisan idiots.

      1. Hijackers gonna hijack.

  2. Their email list autoresponder immediately spamboxes with Gmail. I hope they are able to work that out before too long.

  3. I like Ariel Stryker, she’s powerful. And wasteful!

    1. The special video dedicated to her is friggin’ amazing. Paraphrasing: “Everyone else wants her, but she’s only for Big G”

      1. and those missles. mmmmmm

  4. If you click on the corporate logo in the middle of the Kronies page it directs you to a website for a fake company called Chimera Incorporated which is supposedly the parent company for the action figures.

    It’s hilarious:

    At Chimera Incorporated, we’re using social media to monitor your preferences, your purchases, and your private life. And we’re sharing your information with our friends at the NSA to ensure that this country remains safe and free!

    Financier John P. Lunder and “Admiral” Ignatius Hornswoggle established the Chimera Railroad Corporation with a quid pro quo agreement drafted in the East Sitting Room of the White House on February 4, 1887. Within a decade, Chimera had acquired Mandatory Oil, Bank of the Potomac, Accidental Life Insurance, and Circus Publications.

    During this period of explosive growth, our founders focused their significant resources on building close relationships with government officials, both at home and abroad. In 1899, President William McKinley tapped John Lunder Jr. to serve as executive chairman of the Interstate Commerce Committee, one of the nation’s first regulatory bodies. At the turn of the 20th century, a flurry of acquisitions, mergers and consolidations led to the creation of Chimera Incorporated.

  5. I was wondering what Papola was up to since the Keynes vs Hayek 2 video. This is much better. Mostly because it made me laugh.

  6. AN excellent idea and great execution.

  7. “…than a parody of terrible Saturday morning cartoons from 30 years ago.”

    They still have terrible cartoons addressing issues such as ecological destruction and safety hazards (Rescue Heroes).

  8. If I ever win Power all I am going to offer Mr Panola a blank check to turn this into an actual full season cartoon

  9. Gen Xers who distrust the government (by which I mean, “Gen Xers”)

    Top lel.

  10. Seems like Kristen is due a hat tip, here.

    … Hobbit

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.