Zero Tolerance

New Bill to Legalize Gun-Shaped Pastry in Maryland Schools


legal gun pastry
Original art by KMW

In response to the hysteria over a recent incident at a local school where a 7-year-old bit his strawberry breakfast pastry into the shape of a gun and got suspended for his trouble, Maryland state Sen. J.B. Jennings has introduced a bill:

prohibiting a principal from suspending or expelling a student who brings to school or possesses on school property a picture of a gun, a computer image of a gun, a facsimile of a gun, or any other object that resembles a gun but serves another purpose; 

The bill, which is called the Reasonable School Discipline Act of 2013, also prohibits

a principal from suspending or expelling a student who makes a hand shape or gesture resembling a gun.

Of course, no self-respecting legislator can let a golden opportunity for micromanagement like this one pass him by. So in addition to quite reasonably noting that school administrators should try to un-bunch their panties when it comes to gun-shaped objects, the bill also specifies maximum penalties for quasi-gun threats (by grade level!) and punishments for administrators who violate the rules.

Which I'm sure won't cause any unintended negative consequences down the line.

No word on whether the school will offer conseling to kids "troubled" by the legislative process.

(Check out Jacob Sullum's related post—and inferior photoshopped gun pastry—here.)

Via Free-Range Kids.

NEXT: Armed Police Raiders Seize Guns in California

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  1. Holy shit, we’re gonna have a KMW-vs-Sullum throwdown.

    1. Her Pop-Tart was way better though.

      1. Does KMW’s PopTart bring all the boys to the yard?

        1. I could teach you but I have to charge

          (+10 Milkshakes for obscure reference)

          1. (+10 Milkshakes for obscure reference)

            That word; I do not think it means what you think it means.

  2. They should ban Pop-Tarts. Those things are vile and to call them pastry is an affront to all that we hold dear.

  3. Kids have a First Amendment right to Second Amendment pastries and taking the pastry or taking action against them violates the Fourth Amendment.

  4. The fact that this is even an issue just goes to show how far we have fallen as a country.

    1. My first thought was, “Dear mother of god, I didn’t think anything could be more stupid than school administrators shitting themselves over a pop-tart gun”

      Of course, I forgot about Politicians. Those being who can take Stupid to levels no human mind has yet comprehended. And make it Law.

      The news today re: how *exciting* it was that the TSA might let people keep their shoes on in Airports should have been a sign to me that we have reached a summit of stupid so high that we look down into the mists and realize we’ve forgotten what ‘not-as-stupid’ even looks like. “Its the new Normal”

  5. If you think Larry`s story is really cool,, last pay check my uncles step-son basically brought home $7500 working a 10 hour week an their house and they’re buddy’s aunt`s neighbour has been doing this for 10-months and made over $7500 in there spare time on there mac. apply the guidelines at this website…

    1. So your uncle’s step son is making 750 bucks an hour, and their buddy’s aunt’s neighbor only made 7500 in 10 months? What’s she doing, watching cat videos all day?

      1. Forget it, Jake. It’s Amway

  6. prohibiting a principal from suspending or expelling a student who brings to school or possesses on school property a picture of a gun, a computer image of a gun, a facsimile of a gun, or any other object that resembles a gun but serves another purpose

    Why does Senator Jennings want little children to get gun tattoos?

  7. Do we really have to pass a law to enact common sense? Am I quaint in my thinking?

    1. These anachronistic words you use… “quaint”? isn’t that the space between the vagina and ass? I dont understand your archaic banter.

      Also, “*Common*” Sense? What does a rapper have to do with any of this?

  8. This is a slippery slope. Kids don’t need pastry pistols in school.

    Before long, they’ll be biting out pastry assault weapons.

    And, think how traumatizing — for teachers and students alike — it will be when some little boy with a bad haircut announces that he has a thermonuclear pop tart.

    1. No one needs more than two pastries in a pouch…

  9. You know, I have to confess, some of these stories Reason covers are so over the top, I wonder if there’s other information that they’re not telling us. Like after biting his pastry into the shape of a gun, he stood on the desk and screamed, “I’m motherfukkin KING MOTHERFUKKIN KONG and I’ll smoke ALL YOU BITCHEZ!”

  10. My favorite part is mandating counseling for school employees who violate the law. “We are here today to make sure everyone understands the difference between real guns, and things that are merely images of guns, or resemble guns in some way….”

    1. As long as they pass out pop tarts to the aggrieved children. I like cinnamon.

  11. How about a new line of weapons-shaped crackers (like animal crackers) for school lunches for conservative parents?

  12. this becomes a non-issue if you eliminate public schools.

    1. And politicians.

      1. The Title of the bill actually sounds accurate…. I don’t trust it.

  13. …and is on a first-name basis with the president can’t apply to a Defense Department young lords internship programme – let me tell, that’s a depression.

    No need to get snotty about it. They’re carrying the water for sequestrageddon as best they can with what they have to work with.

    1. How the hell did I end up here?

  14. On the one hand, the bill is absurd micromanaging of the public schools.

    On the other hand, the public schools have proven they need absurd micromanaging.

  15. Yeah, this micromanagement is bound to work… until someone brings a computer image of a firearm with computer added images showing a potential threat.

    So we’ll need a new law, to counteract that piece of this one.

    Also, when someone actually uses some “facsimile” of a gun in a threatening manner, or in a specific attempt to scare others, we’ll need to fix that too.

    Then when someone…

    Or – we could hire competent adults, who can be fired for doing obviously stupid crap like making and enforcing any “no exclusion” policies and simply tell them to do the right thing.

    But of course, then someone would make vaguely non-threatening images, shoot up the school, and lawyers would get involved.

    Then we’d pass zero tolerance policies. Then we’d complain when those policies are followed too closely.

    But no worries, we can fix that by legislating exactly what can be done and what cannot. For instance, shouldn’t be anything wrong with things like computer images of guns…

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