Brickbat: Clipped


In England, the Manchester National Health Service Trust has banned paper clips because staff keep cutting themselves on them. The trust sent a memo telling employees that any paper clips should be "carefully disposed" and replaced with plastic fasteners.

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  1. It’s hard to believe that a 100 years ago, they had the greatest empire in the history of the world…

    1. People will be saying the same thing about the United States soon enough.

    2. That was mostly thanks to the efforts of Sir Harry Flashman VC.

      1. Did Flashman contribute to making the greatest empire or to the empire’s demise?

        Great series of books!

  2. I thought this was going to be about circumcision.

    1. Oj! You needa mohel? MAZEL TOV!

  3. So staff who are trusted with a scalpel near your softest, squidgiest bits are not to be trusted with a paper clip. We are through the looking glass now people

    1. I seriously doubt this was targeted at anyone who would ever come close to using a scalpel. This was for the legion of the Queen’s-Largest-Social-Program paper pushers required to ensure that sub-quality medical care is delivered at a painfully laborious pace.

      1. Yes the majority of NHS staff is administrative, but stop being painfully literal and appreciate the rhetoric. Or appreciate this instead

        1. I imagine road safety can only be improved by the distraction of roadside rebus.

          The nannyish sentiment of the ads aside, how uptight do you have to be to object to that humor?

        2. Don’t drive like a “cock”?? I wouldn’t know how to do that if I wanted to.

          1. cock and knob mean penis. So don’t drive like a dick (metaphorically)

            1. I was afraid it was something like that but I had trouble believing that they would so allow convolutedness to trump pithiness in their attempt at cleverness.

      2. The reason why, WRG, is the NHS is running dangerously low on tetanus inoculation, and this is merely a cost-bending measure. -))

        “Nothing but the best, from the NHS!”

  4. I don’t know why they just don’t ban cuts.

    1. Fuck you, cut cutting.

  5. Unfortunately, the rate of paper cut injury claims skyrocketed after the memo recalling paper clips was distributed.

  6. “… because staff keep cutting themselves on them.”

    What JeremyR said. Holy shit.

  7. I am sitting here moving a paper clip around in my hand. This thing does not cut easily.

    My only conclusion then, is these people are jamming the end of a paper clip into their hand to produce a cut.

    1. Are you kidding? Give my one of those, a flint, a toenail clipper and some needle and thread, and I can have your appendix out in a jiffy! -)))

      1. even if it’s already been removed

        1. Droll…very droll, Spunky One. And, as usual, well played. -D

          1. Don’t take that crap from a woman!

            Tell her you’ll shove someone else’s appendix in her just so you can remove it.

      2. Groovus MacGyver strikes again!

      3. “Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.”

        “But I cleaned them with my napkin!”

      4. The post-op infection is somebody else’s problem.

    2. I am sitting here moving a paper clip around in my hand. This thing does not cut easily.

      It’s like a gun. You have to wait for it to autonomously attack.

      1. Paperclips were deployed, flesh was serrated, and nothing else happened.

        1. Lasky: That’s not a real gun, is it Clark?

          Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.

          Lasky: It’s a BB gun!

          Clark: Don’t tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.

          Lasky: You couldn’t even break the skin with that thing.

      2. Actually, you’re just reading it wrong. Paper Clip is a Britishism for ‘rusty pile of old razor blades soldered onto a bunch of nails, and then randomly swung from a chain attached to the ceiling’.

        Not sure why every office thinks they need one of those, but hey, who knows.

    3. Are you sure they meant paper clip and not something that rhymes with paper clip? You can never tell with these shifty limeys.

  8. Blimey, how am I going to hit the bloody reset button, eh guvnah?

  9. ‘I can only assume top brass think that they’ve employed idiots who need nannying through the working day.’

    Oh for the love of SOD, irony, ya berks, ’tis it lost upon thee?!

    1. Actually, knowing as many Brits as I do, that very well might have been said with a slight smile.

  10. So this is today’s “Friday Funny”? Then i note:

    1) Paperclips? REALLY? Paperclips. Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker.

    2) If I were sage, I would say, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

    1. I’m sure it’s funnier than anything Henry Payne or Chip Bok could come up with.

  11. How does one cut themselves on a paperclip? How does one “carefully dispose” of said paperclip? These questions beg for answers!

    1. I assume they are to be placed in a sharps container.

  12. “The Manchester National Health Service Trust has banned paper clips because staff keep cutting themselves on them.”

    In their defense, it is outrageously expensive to treat paper clip cuts at the National Health Service. And there’s nowhere else to get treatment, really.

  13. This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
    This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
    This other Eden, demi-paradise,
    This fortress built by Nature for herself
    Against infection and the hand of war,
    This happy breed of men, this little world,
    This precious stone set in the silver sea,
    Which serves it in the office of a wall
    Or as a moat defensive to a house,
    Against the envy of less happier lands,
    This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

  14. Sounds like ap retty solid plan to me dude.


    1. You WOULD like this anon bot!

  15. This only makes sense if they’re hiring the mentally challenged as a social program.

    Ruprecht, Don’t take the cork off the fork.

  16. “The Manchester National Health Service Trust has banned paper clips because staff keep cutting themselves on them.”

    From the article (emphasis mine): “Manchester NHS Trust officials made the decision to stop the use of the metal stationary item after a member of staff cut their finger using one.”

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