Election 2012

57 Percent Say Obama Would Win Election Fist Fight


A new Esquire/Yahoo poll recently found 57 percent of Americans think Obama would win if the presidential election came down to a fist fight. 21 percent think Romney would win.

This isn't the first time a national telephone poll has asked a wacky, yet revealing, question. Back in June, the National Geographic found that 65 percent of Americans think President Obama would be better suited than Mitt Romney to handle an alien invasion.

Levity aside, these numbers correlate with more substantive questions, like who would better handle international affairs. 

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  1. I guess it depends on who Romney would hire to fight for him.

  2. Even if he has minimal impact on the election, I think it’s pretty obvious Gary Johnson could take on both Romney and Obama at the same time and come out on top.

    1. I’m thinking of “take on both” in a different – and not necessarily favorable – way.


      1. There is something seriously wrong with you.

        1. I know you didn’t just figure this out

          1. It should be verbalized every now and then:)

            1. Yer mom verbalizes every now and then….

              1. Yer mom tries to but her mouth is always full.

  3. Take of the tape:


  4. Clearly, evidence of the electorate’s blatant racism to think that a) the half black man is more physically gifted and b) the half black man is more violently inclined.

  5. This would be a wussy fight that would last forever. Ann vs Michelle would probably be more fierce. Michelle prolly wins due to the fact that she is a wookie.

    1. “My advice: let the Wookie win.”

      1. Good relations with the Wookies I have.

      2. I’d say “sage advice”, but you’re Episiarch, so…

        1. “Sage advice” comes from sage, obviously. That’s why, right? Right?

          1. HAH!


          2. My advice? I think one of them is afraid and the other is glad of it.

      3. That’s my line

  6. Gary Johnson would mop the floor with both of them. I’m not sure how fit Romney is, but BO looks like a weakling.

    1. Well if he punches anything like he throws a baseball. Which is like a girl.

      1. Or rides a bike.

        1. Mike Dukakis in a tank thinks Barry Obama on a bike is weak sauce.

      2. They don’t necessarily correlate. I throw a ball like a girl, but I throw a punch like a manly girl.

    2. Yeah, I’d say Johnson is the clear winner. Better on civil liberties. Better at kicking your candidate’s ass. Vote better. Vote Gary Johnson.

  7. Please. 0 couldn’t beat up a 12 year old girl, much less an adult man. Not that Romney is that much more of a tuff gai himself, but come on. Not that any of this shit is relevant in the least. I think if I had been one of the poll respondants my response would have been “Really? The economy’s going to hell in a hand cart along with the rest of the world, and this is the deep, insightful poll question that you want to ask? Call back when you’ve grown up.”

    1. My reaction, exactly. I’m not finding any amusement at watch my country go down the toilet, with no clear solution on the way. What we need is a fixer, like Harvey Keitel.

    2. It pains me to think that whoever thought this poll up got paid good money for the “idea”.

  8. And of course, The Atlantic once again proves its irrelevance by having a picture of a gloved boxing match to advertise a question about a fistfight. Not the same thing, losers.

    1. It’s like they think boxing is still relevant or something. Either the Atlantic is staffed by old people who have never heard of MMA, or hipster beardos who went with the boxing picture for that “vintage” look. In truth a screen still of the infamous fight scene in They Live would have more appropriate.

      1. Put on the fucking glasses

        1. …and see the politicians for what they really are.

      2. MMA is like NASCAR, which is like wrestling.

  9. 57 Percent Say Obama Would Win Election Fist Fight

    Ah, but 99% would love to see the shit kicked out of both of them.

    Anyway, Romney’s all about the Ground Pound.


      1. It were the squirrels. They are never satiated.

    2. Romney’s all about the Ground Pound.

      Teenaged girl: “Ewww!”

  10. My money would actually be on Romney…

    Obama is a pussy who gets upset and kicks people out of basketball games if they get too rough with him.

    Romney attended a prep school where he did the alpha male thing and tormented – physically – the weaker kids.

    I think Romney would close and apply an atomic wedgie, and it would be over faster than a Tyson fight (the ones were he won).

    1. That would be an awesome post-election political cartoon. Caricature Romney giving caricature Obama an atomic wedgie.

      Assuming Romney wins. Otherwise it isn’t so funny…or is it?

    2. Your analysis is excellent. You may be in line to replace Joe Rogan on UFC Unleashed when he’s unavailable.

    3. Romney doesn’t seem all that tough, but Obama would burst into tears the first time he was struck.

      If somebody like Allen West was running, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

      1. West would just pull out his M9 and fire it near his opponent’s head.

    4. The question is, would Romney bite off Obama’s ears?

    5. I think Romney can give a punch, but I doubt he can take a punch.

      Obama can’t give a punch nor take a punch.

      Therefore, Romney wins.

  11. “OK! So who’s the dreamier date!? Yeah – O. Fer sure. OK! So who would you totally sleep with just to get pregnant so you could marry them for their money!? YEah, prolly Mittens! Nkay – soooo…who would you like to have as your sixth hour chem teacher! OMG! I don’t have Chem! LOL!!!”

  12. The unbelievable vapidity of this question of who would win a fight is only rivaled by the vapidity of the question of whether deep dish pizza is edible.

    1. The unbelievable vapidity of this question of who would win a fight is only rivaled by the vapidity of the question of whether deep dish pizza is edible pizza.

      1. I stand corrected. See how vapid the question is? I can’t even think straight about it.

        1. But what about pizza in a cup?

          1. Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup ‘o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.

    2. I assume Obama is a deep-dish guy, given his Chicagoness, but where does Romney land on pizza? What’s Mormon pizza?

      For that matter, what’s Johnson’s position on pizza?

      1. mormon food in general SUCKS.

        it’s my least favorite part of the culture.

        and i actually like jello. but they do obscene things with it.

        their food is universally full of highly processed, bland and overly sweet stuff.

        apart from the jello, you have the funeral potatoes, the haystacks, the casseroles.

        it’s “lowest common denominator” type meal choice. let’s make something that nobody could HATE, iow be careful about spice, sweet, heck anything that gives it character, and by making something that bland, it’s “safe”

        what i LOATHE is the way i see parents (in any culture, but mormons tend to be a pretty closed cultures) teaching their kids to be closed minded about food. the kids never develop a palette and the tradition of small minded food myopia sets in for life


        mormon food.

        i’m not bitter. i’m disgusted

        1. Part of this may have to do with the fact that their religion requires them to have a large supply of survival rations at all times, so they end up eating a lot of the old stuff before it expires.

          1. that’s a good point. but fwiw, my wife and i do the same thing. and we even get a lot of the stuff from a leading mormon food supply company.

            this isn’t the stuff i am talking about. and we have it all. freeze dried stuff, powdered eggs, etc.

            i’m not a survivalist. i just think it’s common sense. and it’s an aspect of their religion (self sufficiency and support within the group. they even have their own welfare system of sorts for families that hit on hard times.) i respect.

            I actually learned a lot about food storage from a mormon guy. he was very helpful (rotating stock, etc.)

            but that’s not what i am talking about

            let me give you one example. i got a million of ’em.

            i’m working one of my recent thanksgivings, but we are doing the dinner at a friend of my inlaws (mormon) house, NEAR MY DISTRICT.

            awesome. i am getting $77 PER HOUR to eat thanksgiving dinner (overtime shift since it’s a holiday_

            i’m salivating in anticipation of the turkey. i swing by 1/2 hr before LAUNCH. get rerouted for a panic alarm. perfect , likely take that long to get there code, investigate, and clear and come back and then i can sign on for lunch via radio. if the alarm is falseas they usually are.

            1. when i get back, the turkey cook had presliced the turkey (auboptimal but ok)…


              thrown away the turkey SKIN!!!!!!!!


              “NOT NUTRITIOUS” (but sugar drenched processed sides are ?)


              mormon kid tells me “skin is gross”

              THEN DON’T EAT IT.

              but the father TOSSED IT

              that just shOWS A FUNDAMENTAL contempt for food itself


      2. I don’t think Mormons eat pizza, and if they do, it’s probably from Domino’s.

        GayJay’s position on pizza is hard to guess, I don’t know what New Mexico dwellers think pizza is.

        1. A Quesadilla

        2. You open a small can of diced tomatoes with chillies, spread it on a tortilla shell and cover it in cheddar or that white stuff with a similar texture, Jack-something.

            1. Between marriages I dated a cute little half Navajo born in Arizona. She once made that exact recipe for me. Couldn’t cook worth shit.

          1. That’s basically an open-face quesadilla, which I guess makes the regular quesadilla a calzone.

            1. Quesadilla is the same thing as a burrito except no beans.

              1. They must make them differently where you are. I’m used to a quesadilla being a tortilla folded halfway around cheese (and optional fillings) and grilled – way different in form from a burrito.

        3. Domino’s is Catholic. Of course, all the Catholics are Italian – and know what pizza is – or Irish – and probably live down the block from an Italian pizzeria.

          1. My boyfriend is Italian from Bensonhurst and while he will drink Budweiser, God Forbid you order pizza from Dominoes or (worse) Papa John’s.

      3. Well you develop your food favorites growing up and Romney grew up in Michigan whatever that tells you other than the fact that that makes him stupid and ugly. Of course as a Mormon he wouldn’t have to pick just one pizza for the rest of his life. He could pick two or three or however many he could afford.

        1. One presumes that the mainline Mormons also repudiated polypizzamory when they repudiated polygyny.

  13. Gotta agree with tarran here.

    Romney as a former homophobic bully has probably been in a few scrapes.

    O is a scrawny girlie man who looks like he couldn’t fight his way out of the quiche store.

    O is younger, but Romney has that big, square block head. I bet you could hit Romney in the head for 20 minutes before he’d even feel it.

    1. He’s got a hell of a chin, I’ll give him that.

    2. the only thing that gives me pause is obama was a keiki in da kine hawaii.

      granted, he wasn’t blonde. blonde kids grow up TOUGH in hawaii. they get picked on incessantly. popolos not so much

      and he went to punahou, not kahuku or west side.

      still, you might get see da false crack and gotta watch out the hui.

      1. Denis Kucinich on his worst day would completely dominate Obama’s physical space in a one to one situation. He is that unimpressive.

    3. Nah, if you punch him hard enough his head pops off.

    1. Why the fuck did they break that up?

    2. This is actually probably more realistic:


    3. Holy fuck! One of the guys actually spins 360 degrees around and the other guy didn’t take the advantage.

      Never expose your back.

      1. That’s what Rick Santorum always says.

  14. Actually, I am now picturing Obama and Romney picking up an unproduced Richard Pryor / Gene Wilder script and acting it out.

    That would be so much cooler than a fight.

    Romney would be the uptight white guy straight man, and Obama would be the wise-cracking pot-smoking con artist who gets them both into terrible trouble.

    1. Actually, the comedy is that Wilder tries to apply his “whitey” logic to an absurd situation that gets the pair into deeper trouble. Pryor always plays the cool black guy that knows “how the world really works” and tries to keep his head down and away from trouble.

      Just saying…

    2. I’m feeling you on this.

      Maybe it could be like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black. Only George W. Bush turns out to be an alien.

    3. I LOVE IT!!!

  15. So this isn’t how you Americans elect your leaders?

    1. No, by height:


      1. I thought it was by hair.

  16. I doubt Obama could beat himself without getting a black eye.

    1. Racist.

  17. Seriously, Obama is a milquetoast. I’d take Mitt at any odds they want to lay.

  18. It takes Barack about 6 hours to complete a 18 hole round of golf…. which he does every other day. Quite pathetic..

    1. It’s called “puttin on old Massa”

    2. He goes golfing for the same reason any man goes golfing: Getting away from the wife. Explains the long outing.

  19. I think Obama would knock the shit out of ol’ blockhead. Cause he’s tough; he’s the decider.

  20. Racist.

    Obama is black, and everyone thinks black men are better boxers.

    To be totally rational, I would have to say Ryan has the best chance of kicking both their asses.

    1. Black men not better boxers. Puerto Rican men the best boxers, because of teh salsa!!!

  21. Folks should see this new viral Obama video comparing words to actions – 830,000 cumulative youtube views in 2 weeks. Watch and share with friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8R5GvwUFU8

  22. Obama couldn’t win a fight with anybody.

    He is a limp-wristed, pantywaist, wimpy punk.

    He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag with an M2 .50 cal machine gun.

  23. Wow that makes no sense at all dude.


  24. Yeah SO

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