Barack Obama

My Birthday Wish: Please Reverse Engineer Obama's Awful "Events Registry" By Sending Him Gifts, Not Cash


Due to the privacy-eroding miracle of social media, various folks on Twitter, the Facebook, and elsewhere not only know today is my 49th birthday but have already wished me a happy happy (note to Wikipedia: you got my b-day wrong).

To the well-wishers, I say: Thanks!

You know what I would really love for a birthday present? A crowd-sourced reverse-engineering of Barack Obama's awful-beyond-words Event Registry, in which the sitting president asks his fans to forego giving gifts to loved ones and instead sending him money. Seriously: "Instead of another gift card you'll forget to use, ask your friends and family for something that will go a little further: a donation to Obama for America."

What's next—asking folks in hock to loan sharks to send at least the vig on what they owe to the Obama campaign? I'm sure your lenders will recognize a higher purpose when they see one. Didn't even the imprisoned mob capo Lucky Luciano help out the Allies back in World War II?

A few weeks back, I suggested "5 Great Gifts to Send Obama in Lieu of Cash Contributions," all of which I culled from a quick read of the SkyMall catalog. From the SkyTravel inflatable pillow to the Lawn Aerator Sandals, there's a ton of great gift ideas for the commander in chief who has everything, including a personal fundraising operation that has raised $274 million so far for re-election.

Obama's 51st birthday was just a few days back on August 4. I know when his birthday is because Michelle Obama sent me an email asking whether I'd sign Barack's birthday card. That request came just days after she sent me an Oscar Schindleresque email cadging for $3 toward her husband's re-election:

I know I don't want to wake up on November 7th wondering if I could have done more. So I'm doing everything I can between now and Election Day to make sure we can keep moving this country forward for four more years. 

We've only got a few more hours before an important fundraising deadline. Please support this campaign by giving $3 or more today.

So it's not too late to send the president a useless gift from SkyMall or elsewhere. For more great gift ideas, go here.

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  1. Happy birthday, Nick! I’m going to send Obama a bust of Winston Churchill.

  2. If I send him a breadmaker, he can have all the dough he wants, right?

  3. Send him an envelope with a tablespoon of corn starch in it.

    1. Mexican Pork Cloud! Mexican Pork Cloud!

  4. Happy Birthday old man! For the man who has everything, I’m going to get him a Napalm Death boxed set. I bet he doesn’t have that!

    1. C’mon man, you gotta’ link to some Napalm Death.

      1. You should have chosen “Multinational Corporations”. Barry would probably like that one.

    2. I once saw Napalm Death. It was awful.

      1. That just means you weren’t drunk enough.

  5. Ahem…

    Ship this to him:

    How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

    The Wookie will go ballistic and probably tear his arms off trying to find out who got past all the defenses she has placed around him.

    1. Nah. She’ll take a cue from Hillary and just make him wish he was dead.

  6. This is way too easy – I’m sending him a copy of The Declaration of Independents.

    1. I’d send him a copy of the Bill of Rights, but clearly the one available to the public differs from the one he actually uses (you know, the one that’s confidential?).

      1. I think he already has a copy of the Bill of Rights. He uses it everyday, as toilet paper.

  7. Send him a Ronald Mc

  8. I was just kidding. I’m actually sending him a bill for the damage he’s done to my share of the country’s future value. In a nice card, though.

  9. Oops.

    Send him a Ronald McDonaldHitler t-shirt. He’ll love that.

    1. A gift certificate at Chick-fil-A?

      1. please don’t do that. he’d probably go to the one near me.

    2. Will this do?

  10. A $3 tie from a street vendor in Chinatown and a dildo. If he doesn’t like the tie he can go fuck himself.

    Happy birthday Nick, you greasy bastard.

  11. Nick Gillespie shares a birthday with Sidney Crosby. Enjoy that tidbit.

    1. Sidney Crosby? He shares a birthday with the first American Libertarian President…Mason Gill.

      Sorry guys, he is only 11, so it will be at least a couple of decades. Unfortunately, we have to go through Armageddon first. It’s the only way we can get there from here.

    2. My condolences to Nick.

  12. I just signed him up to the Westboro Baptist newsletter too. Gillespie, that is, not Obama. Happy Birthday!

  13. Send him an envelope with a tablespoon of corn starch in it.


  14. How about a gift certificate to the kiosk at the mall that sells nothing but socks and cell phone cases?

  15. Happa B-day, G.

    Send him a beta copy of the Free to Choose series.

  16. know when his birthday is because Michelle Obama sent me an email asking whether I’d sign Barack’s birthday card.

    “Happy B-day big-O. Now go play hide and go fuck yourself for at least the next 3 months. The less I have to hear from or about your dumb ass the better.



  17. Happy birthday Nick. Enjoy your last year of life.

    1. I strongly advise against sending this same message to the president.

      1. No need to do so. Sloopy’s got that covered.

  18. Hey, I got the same letter from Michelle. Here it is with my reply:

    Michelle Obama
    Aug 4 (3 days ago)

    to me
    Hi —

    Today is Barack’s 51st birthday, and the girls and I are pulling together his birthday card.

    Last call for names: Want to sign it?

    Clicking on the link below will add your name to Barack’s card automatically:

    This election’s only going to get tougher, so I know it would mean a lot to Barack to know he has your support on his birthday.



    This email was sent to:
    If that is not your preferred email address, you can update your information here.
    We believe that emails are a vital way for the campaign to stay in direct contact
    with supporters. Click here if you’d like to unsubscribe from these messages.
    This campaign is a community, and all ideas are welcome.
    We appreciate any feedback you might have — positive or negative.
    Click here to contact the campaign with any questions or concerns.

    Ken Spicer
    Aug 4 (3 days ago)

    to info
    I hope he never sees his 52nd. Go fuck yourselves.

    Sent from my iPhone

    1. I actually don’t care if he sees his 52nd or not. I hope he does, just not as President.

      1. My feeling is that he should go home from us in peace, crouch down and lick the hands which feed him. May his chains sit lightly upon him, and may posterity forget that he was our countryman!

        1. Righteous quote, TD. I always liked that one.

      2. If you thought that Kennedy was deified after his death…

        I am resigned to seeing Obama’s talent-less mug all over the world, a la Jimmy Carter, but I could do without the media shitstorm that would surround his untimely death. As well as the multitude of laws and regulations that would sprout up afterwards.

        And there’d be President Biden or (shudder) Boehner to consider.

        1. What’s really intriguing is who the D’s would nominate if those top 2 were unavailable.


          1. I can see HRC. Though I think they’d just go down the succession chart. Which leads you to…holy shit! Daniel Inouye.

            He’s still alive? Hawaii hasn’t just reanimated his corpse and sent it back to D.C?

            1. And you can add Inouye to the list of ‘Democrats don’t give a shit about a sex scandal.’ (Scroll down to the Kwock story.)

              I wonder how he kept a straight face when he told his staff to get him out of there if “[they] question my sanity or question my ability to do things physically or mentally.” Leaving the Senate would probably kill him. It’d certainly kill Hawaii’s chances of continuing to get a lot of that sweet, sweet pork.

        2. I thought we already have President Boner back in the 90’s?

    2. Poor Banjos, facing life as a single mother.

    3. Ha Sloopy
      I saw a news report last night where footage of a fire was sent in by a Ken Spicer.
      You’re not living in Winnipeg though.

  19. It’s been nice knowing you, Ken.

    1. It’s been three days and the SS hasn’t busted down his door.


      1. Why would the secret service visit me? I’m not running a Chilean whorehouse.

    2. I hear Florence, Colorado is nice this time of year.

  20. We appreciate any feedback you might have — positive or negative.

    Get a job, you parasite.

    1. Don’t talk to Ken that way!

  21. Gillespie, I’ve got a gently used Snuggie with your name on it. Where can I send it? I don’t want Welch to lift it out of the Reason mail room.

  22. Expired Gas coupons?

    1. You could send him a campaign contribution in Canadian Tire money.


      1. If that weren’t a shameful waste of perfectly good Canadian Tire money, it would be the best idea ever.

  23. Happy Birthday

    Hope you get a dog chair. It’s apparently an exciting gift.

  24. (note to Wikipedia: you got my b-day wrong)

    Wikipedia will eat your face.

  25. My birthday was Sunday, by the way. Want a bit of hilarity? I share it with Neil Fucking Armstrong.

    1. My birthday is August 4. 🙁

      1. Wow, you got stuck with the douchebag brigade. Obama, Roger Clemens, Alberto Gonzales and Kurt Busch. You only get a small reprieve with Jeff Gordon and Billy Bob Thornton.

    2. I share a birthday with someone on a very recent HyR post. Someone who is laughing like a psychotic hyena.

      1. You got Pelosi, didn’t you?

        BTW, when are you guys coming out west? I thought you were gonna ride your motorbikes out here this fall.

        1. This fall? Nosir – maybe next fall. I am having a bitch of a time trying to register for a motorcycle safety course at the local community college. I will def. let y’all know, though.

          1. motorcycle safety

            Is that like military intelligence, or Congressional ethics?

            1. There are a ton of people riding scooters here – in traffic. I’d say about 90% aren’t wearing helmets.

            2. Snork. I’m doing it to actually learn how to ride the fucking things. And the insurance break.

            3. It teaches you to safely operate a motorcycle. Unfortunately, it doesn’t much affect the odds that the last thing you hear is, “I just didn’t see you”.

              1. I think I’ll mostly do rural riding, so my odds of having one of those moments will be significantly less than sharing the road with the brazillion transplanted Jerseyites and New Yorkers here in DC (of course, I do have to ride the bike to get out of the city, so there’s that).

      2. I share a birthday with Michael Phelps, Christopher Nolan, and Frederic Bastiat. I don’t know what that means, but it’s true.

        1. Most likely it means you have big feet, a dark outlook on life, and Nobel Prize winning economists ignore you, even when you make sense.

    3. Who is this armstrong character you and Neil were fucking?

  26. Wikipedia actually had the jacket’s birthday. It is, apparently, a few days older. Happy birthday.

  27. All gift registries are inappropriate. A gift is something to be given, not expected.

    1. Many of the HyR commentariat must share this sentiment…at least where Amazon wedding registries are concerned.

      1. But that’s because you already got the greatest gift of all: someone to tell you what you’re doing wrong every second for the rest of your miserable life.

        1. Honestly, and I’m not just saying this because she’s on HyR regularly, I do some stupid shit and rarely if ever have it pointed out to me.

          Either she’s lazy as fuck or she’s a very understanding woman.

          …or some combination of the two.

    2. For birthdays yes, but for baby showers (my sisters is coming up soon) thank God they have them.

    3. Gifts are expected, or not, regardless of any registry.

      Registries are a favor done by the happy couple for their devoted friends, to let their friends know any gives will be both appreciated and non-duplicative.

      Is there nothing you aren’t wrong about, T o n y?

      1. What RC, you don’t want 37 coffeemakers?

      2. And tasteful. We ain’t registerin’ at K-Mart, you know.

      3. Gifts may be expected, but you’re not supposed to express that expectation if you want to be considered mannerly. Gift registries may be a convenience, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t an abomination.

  28. Technically, Nick, I think you are inviting us to “monkeywrench” the registry, not “reverse engineer” it.

    Although I understand your reluctance to use the m-word in connection with certain personages.

    1. Well then why is it that everytime Nick is drawn in caricature he looks like a chimp in a leather jacket?

      1. Racist!

    2. I think the appropriate phrase is “commit sabotage against” — as in the Dutch workers who threw their wooden shows (“sabots”) into the mill machinery that took their jobs, at least according to that Vulcan lady on Star Trek.

  29. Do you guys all want to be added to the watch list or something?

  30. Who wants some poppy seeds?

  31. Happy birthday Nick. Today is my oldest son’s 35th birthday, and tomorrow is my 59th birthday, so all of us Leo’s are in sync!

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