Conspiracy Theories

Well, You Wonder Why I Always Dress in Black…



So we have a new Men in Black movie? I've always resented this series. It's not that I object in principle to taking a fantastically creepy piece of American folklore and reducing it to a string of jokes. It's just that if you're going to do that, the jokes had better make me laugh, and most of the gags in the first two MiB flicks fell far short of that. Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura were far funnier with just a fraction of the screentime when they played Men in Black in "Jose Chung's From Outer Space," and they managed to preserve the eerie weirdness of the legend in the process.

Thankfully, Fortean folklorists are still collecting tales of sinister black-clad beings, and these tend to be much more entertaining than Hollywood's contributions to the genre. As an antidote to what I suspect will be another dull movie, here is an encounter with the Men that purportedly happened in 1955. Not only is it creepy, but there's a goofiness to its creepiness; when the alleged contactee reports his "impression" that one of the Men "was wearing a mask (the elastic band of which I distinctly remember seeing amidst the kinky, red, close-cropped hair of his head)," there's a hint of deadpan humor in the horror—not surprisingly, since the tale almost certainly began as a prank. A good Men in Black story is both funny and frightening, as though someone crossed the Cthulhu mythos with a slapstick comedy; it suggests a world plagued by conspiracies that will never make sense to human minds because the forces behind them are not human themselves. I'd love to see a Men in Black movie like that. I strongly doubt that one is opening this weekend.

NEXT: Ryan Ekvall and M.D. Kittle on the Wisconsin Recall Election and Milwaukee's Crime Stats Controversy

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  1. Jesse, please finish your book and come back full time. We need more of your posts.

    1. True, but not necessarily today. I wonder if the least posting writer today is getting fired or something.

      1. No, I’ll take more Jesse posts any time, even if it is within some marathon posting spree by reason.

        1. For no other reason than, “I just wanna!”, appropriately macabre cuteness.

          THEY SO KYOOOOOT! I want one!

          1. Most people use hamsters for felching Dr Love.

            1. Curse you, Sparky. Way to kill the cuteness moment. }:-(

              1. Well, only a lunatic would use bats as an example of cuteness.

                1. When I was a little younger, I preferred this example of a baby bat. And dated quite a few. I will not confirm or deny, but Dr. Groove just might have been a Goth.

  2. No Mothman Prophecy reference Jesse? And yes, what Episiarch said. We miss your posts!!

    1. I’ll supply one: John Keel told me the Mr. J and Mr. K of the comic book, and hence of the movie, referred to his initials. (Well, his initials the way he used his name to write under, otherwise they’d’ve been A and K.)

      1. Forgot the punch line: And in the movie of Mothman, they used his name both ways.

  3. Having just finished watching most episodes of X-Files last week, I have to say that “Jose Chung” was easily one of the best and most memorable episodes.

    1. Clyde Bruckman, the one about the cockroaches, I think a giant alligator or something in a lake… There were a few good, smart and humorous episodes, as I recall.

      1. “Quagmire” and “War of the Coprophages”

      2. Clyde Bruckman was probably my other favorite.

        1. Those were both written by Darin Morgan, IIRC.

      3. “Chantilly Lace”/Clyde Bruckman was one of my absolute favorite episodes.

        Mulder: And how do I die?
        Bruckman: Autoerotic asphyxiation
        Mulder: Whaa?
        Bruckman: Never mind

        1. Damn – effed it up!

          Mulder: And how do YOU die?

          Twists the knife a little bit more when you see Bruckman dead at the end with a bag over his head.

          1. And the bottle in his hand.

      4. X-COPS was pretty good too, IMO. But yeah, Clyde Bruckman had its moments too.

  4. Ah, I’d love to wear a rainbow every day,
    And tell the world that everything’s OK,
    But I’ll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
    ‘Till things are brighter, I’m the Man In Black.

  5. Interesting post Mr. Walker. Do you have a newsletter?

    1. Whomever wrote this, I love you.

      1. Come on Lucy, you know it had to be me. I spelled “Kuld” wrong!!

        1. John A. Keel totally signed my copy of “The Mothman Prophecies” to “Suzy.”

          And that’s why you have to enunciate. And something conspiratorial…mumble.

          1. That is great you have a signed book. I love that book.

          2. Rather sad the way he died. In his later years, he wanted to be pestered less by fans and others. I was one of the few people he gave his phone number to, and I was afraid I was boring him even when we talked maybe once or twice a year. Then after his heart attack, I lost touch with him. I heard that when he died, he was complaining that his friends stopped looking him up; it was said that he had indeed cut himself off to people, to his regret.

  6. While goofing on the internet on this slow day, I found this comment.

    Nic Gambs :

    Ive been in contact, with the likes of Indrid Kuld (Cold). He or it, rather is a tricky subject to talk about.
    I began researching that which is Indrid Kuld in the 1990?s after being exposed to a United States Airforce officer in the 1980?s; who had ties to “Skunk Works.” Indrid Kuld is, to make a long story short, not human. Which is the most important thing to know about such an entity. This is in reference to the Indrid Kuld as mentioned and described in the book, Mothman Profecies. Im not here to start a UFO movement or religious movement of proprietary sentiments. Indrid Kuld, for whatever reason, is such a being, for lack of a better term, which has been incorperated into the electronic infrastructure of the world. He uses electronic equipment in a very strange way.

    1. This is why he typically contacts people, for whatever reason via the telephone. I happen to be one of those seemingly unfortunate people. The case of Indrid Kuld is a well documented case and frankly quite a frightening one if you ask me. The last time I was contacted by Indrid Kuld, he did contact me via the telephone after a personal encounter. Indrid Kuld is neither a demon or an angel; friend or foe. Hes just there doing whatever he does for whatever reason he has. Some of us know what he wants. Hes like a spiritual salesman. Some of us know what hes selling and what his price is. If Indrid Kuld ever happens to get ahold of you, my best advice is for your to run for your life. These things, these entities are cunning, capricious and abarrent. They are poised to teach, but they really cant help us. If however you are interested in more information then feel free to contact me at Only serious inquiries are welcome.

      Anyone want to email nic?


    There are even crazier ones below the one I posted.

    1. You’ll be happy to hear that I’ve been planning to include Indrid Kuld in the conspiracy book. The weird phone stories are the best thing in The Mothman Prophecies.

      1. By far and away. The interview with the farmer from West Virginia from back in the late 60s that is floating around the internet is unbelievable. It is some seriously weird shit Jessie.

        1. link?

      2. Yeeeeeeeees.

        Sorry for pulling a Cavanaugh and hanging out in your blog post, Jesse, but it was too awesome.

        1. Never apologize for pulling a Cavanaugh, Lucy. In fact, you should be apologizing for not doing it MOAR.

          1. Agreed. Pulling a Cavanaugh will not only increase viewership, but also improve blog posting.

            1. Where I come from, pulling a Cavanaugh means something different. And in my opinion it’s not really worth the extra cost.

              A friend of mine was an extra in the movie treatment of The Mothman Prophecies as it was filmed around here, but his scene was cut. True, if boring, story.

              1. Where you come from, FoE, is the same place as this little group of homocidal consanginals. It’s little wonder your Heinz 57 of genetic abnormalities prevents you realizing the value of Pulling a Cavanaugh. You probably didn’t even send Momma Peacock a Mother’s Day card for the last time she “pulled your Cavanaugh”.

                1. Ha, I loved that depiction of rural Pennsylvania. WE’RE NOT WEST VIRGINIA, FOR PETE’S SAKE.

                  1. Right, everyone knows this is rural Pennsylvania:


                    1. Right, everyone knows this is rural Pennsylvania…

                      Those mountains. PA wishes.

                    2. Right, everyone knows this is rural Pennsylvania

                      Nope. Filmed in the North Cascades National park in Washington State.

                    3. Is joke! Is joke!

                      Ranting about the absurdity of that as “Western PA” was a favorite past time of my dad’s.

              2. The Mothman Prophecies, sponsored by RAID House and Garden Bug Killer…

        2. Sorry?

          Its the reason Tim is my favorite reason writer.

          Well, one of them.

  8. Best. X-Files. Episode. Ever.


    1. I loved his soliloquy about the optic chiasma.

  9. Mulder didn’t say that it was Alex Trebek. It was just someone that looked incredibly like him.

    1. But it was in fact Alex Trebek playing the character.

  10. What you saw was probably the planet Venus. Many people have claimed to see strange unidentifiable lights in the sky, but they have always turned out to be the planet Venus.

    1. That or a weather balloon or the daily 737 that flies out to Area 51 from Nellis.

  11. Nothing to add except that the Jose Chung reference made my day. Charles Nelson Reilly was never better than in that X-Files episode.

  12. How could you neglect Johnny Cash Jesse. I am disappoint.

    1. Dude. Read the title.

      1. I require less subtlety. This is the internet damnit.

  13. Well, You Wonder Why I Always Dress in Black…

    With all due respect to Jesse, isn’t that a topic that The Jacket is best-qualified to address?

  14. They rejected your “Men in Black” script again, Jesse? Jesus, third time is supposed to be the charm. But I hear they’re looking for scripts for “X-Files: The Second Generation.” Keep the faith, white boy!

    1. Fuck you, Anal. Just. Fuck. You.

      Don’t listen to this douchebag, Jesse.

      1. I had a friend back in ’92, I believe the year, who liked to harass a particular player with catcalls and shit talk like, ‘you’ll never make it to the pros, Jeter.’ I couldn’t have been more embarrassed with being associated with a dipshit than on that occasion when everybody else in the stands knew how good the player happened to be. I bet that is exactly how Nick would feel if he actually read Anal’s posts on this blog.

  15. IF the Men in Black did exist, why would they let Will Smith shit on them?

    1. Who do you think turned him on to Scientology?

    2. It draws away suspicion, duh.

  16. The episode about the reverse vampires is still my favorite but Jose Chung’s From Outer Space makes at least the top 3.

  17. As a kid my bed was next to a big window 4×6 that looked out to the front yard.

    one night i woke up for no reason and looked out and a head or what looked like a head was less then a couple feet from the window. It had no eyes or ears or nose or mouth but it had a tilt that made it appear to be looking right at me. Its skin was like bark and its neck was the width of its head. Also the window from outside was at least 6 feet from the ground so it would have stood at least 7 feet or taller.

    Anyway I don’t believe in goblins or trolls or aliens or at least aliens beyond say bacteria that may or may not have once lived on mars. Also i have two older brothers and knew a few kids who lived nearby so it could have easily been a prank.

    Still the experience is weird and was never explained.

    1. oh wait that is not he only wierd thing i saw.

      i saw this as well.

      Not very weird really only that it moved so slow across the sky and the news reported that norad said it was Russian space junk that landed in the pacific ocean.

      I remembered at the time that the story was fucked up because i was looking north from my house in Seattle and saw that it moved across the north sky from west to east.

      unless it completely went around the earth again there is no way it landed in the pacific ocean.

  18. Anyway I don’t believe in…trolls…

    How quickly one forgets the Albino Aboriginal. New to the InterTOOBZ?

    1. Bert Huggins type troll not internet troll

  19. which I distinctly remember seeing…..-c-17.html amidst the kinky, red, close-cropped hair of his head),” there’s a hint of deadpan humor in the horror — not surprisingly, since the tale almost certainly began as a prank

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