Mitt Romney

Super-Duper Tuesday Fatigue


Oh, for the love of all that is pivotal and game changing. Can this primary just be over already? Enough already with the exit-poll slicing and dicing, the ballot box procedural inanity, the endless jockeying for the lead, the non-plans and cringe-inducing speeches, the increasingly desperate false promises and outright lies. It's all blending together. At this point, GOP primary events are sort of like late-model Nicholas Cage movies: some bland, some terrible, all absurd, all forgettable. 

But fine, let's recap The Story So Far: Tonight, Romney has already won three states, and so has his chief rival, Rick Santorum. And the two are running in a near dead heat in Ohio, which is arguably the biggest prize of the night. Politico's Alexander Burns starts his where-we're-at-now summary with the following flash of nobody's-won frustration: "A Super Tuesday primary night that was supposed to bring clarity to the Republican presidential race threatened to create an even deeper muddle, as the 10 states voting across the country scattered every which way and the most important battleground, Ohio, remained too close to call." A muddle! A mess! A mystery! "It's not over with yet!" warns CNN's ubiquitous Wolf Blitzer, who on nights like this is to words what all-you-can-eat buffets are to food. He says so much, and yet reveals so little. Much like tonight's election results. Regardless of the outcome, there's not much to look forward to here. Will Romney win the evening? Will Santorum? The bad news is that the answer to one of those questions is yes. 

NEXT: Check Out Ron Paul's Now-Extra Bittersweet Super Tuesday Speech in North Dakota

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  1. Fuck you Suderman, Raising Arizona and Adaptation are memorable!

    …They are absurd, though.

    1. I love those movies, actually. But contemporary Cage is just an endless sea of beige-colored freakout.

    2. Let us not forget Vampire’s Kiss as Suder-Man seems to have done.

      1. I would name my favorite Cage movie, but you’d just call me a tasteless slut.

        And I won’t give you the satisfaction.

        1. Don’t worry, you already have.

    3. Nick will always have Leaving Las Vegas to stand on, though it be an island amidst a sea of roles begging to be forgotten.

      1. Don’t forget Honeymoon in Vegas!

        1. Am I the only who figured out National Treasure before the end of the first act?

          1. Are you the only one who watched past the first act?

            1. my girlfriend stuck it out with me.

  2. The fact that Santorum has done this well is fucking gross.

    1. Romney is finding out just how hard it is to get rid of Santorum once established.

  3. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum duke it out! And the loser is, well, pretty much everyone in the US.

  4. Anybody else think the about 60% of Republicans are so convinced that Obama so obviously sucks that they could nominate a horse and win? My Mom is very Republican and she actually seemed to think Herman Cain could win.

    It’s about the only explanation for this horseshit

    1. I’d take Cain over Newt, Santorum and Mittens hands down. And I fucking HATE the idea of a new consumption tax.

  5. OK, given the fatigue, let’s focus on what matters:
    “600-pound Livermore man asks for help, set to appear on Dr. Phil”…..n-dr-phil/
    Help? Hey, take the plate across the room! He’d get exercise chasing it.
    What’s the guy expect? Someone to yank the twinky out of his mouth?


    Because America deserves you!!

    1. And I deserve America.

  7. Good to see Raising Arizona has been mentioned.

    1. C’mon, how often do the Coen brothers screw up a movie. They made John Turturro look brilliant – not once, but twice. Do you think Michael fucking Bay could pull that off? Or Joel Schumacher? Even St. Martin Scorcese?

      1. William Friedkin did it without even trying.

  8. So how about that turnout in Virginia – boy oh boy them Old Dominion Repubs just couldn’t bring themselves to vote for the weathervane or the thunder. Poor souls, no good old-time Pat Buchanan-esque conservative to stir them to action.

    Y’all deserve living next to DC, do ya hear?

  9. Georgians voted for Newt because he was from Georgia???

    1. We are all Georgians now.

    2. Georgians voted for the 1994 Newt and the 1998-99 economy. They also like the way he isn’t scared to shoot his mouth off without notecards, much less a teleprompter.I think Newt is the worst candidate in the whole 2012 Republican field, past and present, but it is understandable why GA voters went with him.

    3. Remember, when the US Const. was put in, it was expected that after Geo. Wash., the electors from each state would usually pick a favorite son and the election would be decided in the House of Reps. They figured Geo. was a cinch, but that most of the time there would be no figures commanding that much respect nationally. But political parties quickly formed to change things from that expect’n.

  10. OHIO is too close to call. Don’t go anywhere, we will be sticking with this all night. I will sign any dr. note you need to stay home sick tomorrow, just send me a DM at @wolfblitzercnn

  11. Brazil *wasn’t* a documentary?

  12. Don’t forget what Super Tue. was created for: to give moderate-to-“conservative” Democrats a better shot at the nomination.

    A few cycles back, when the earliest primaries (that used to be in March) had already moved to Feb. but not yet Jan., the more “conservative” wheels in the Democrats got together and decided what would create momentum and force candidates to spend resources on it would be if a bunch of states in that region moved their primaries to when the NH primary used to be.

    Since then, a bunch of other states climbed onto that bandwagon, diluting the southeastern tilt considerably.

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