Military Expert Herman Cain Would Like to Be Secretary of Defense

Do y'all remember Herman Cain? The former restaurant industry executive and GOP presidential candidate who was at one point polling higher than both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, even after a woman who worked with Cain claimed that he tried to tax her mouth with his penis? Of course you remember him. Reason wrote about Cain a few times, and Tim Cavanaugh dove deep into the gospel singer's tax plan:

Always be concerned when somebody is proposing not just a new law but new language to describe it. My 10-pound dictionary has no entry for "prebate." It does have "prebasic molt," the process by which birds replace 100 percent of their feathers within a period of time, and "prebend," an allowance for church officials. I'm pretty sure that prebends would cause less damage to the U.S. economy than prebates, and that our fiscal system needs a prebasic molt a lot more than it needs a Fair Tax.

Well, before Cain was drummed out of the race by the liberal media and his bratty Democrat mistress, who used to take money from Cain and make sex with him while "looking at the ceiling thinking about shopping and the kids" and thus was technically something other than a mistress, the once-and-future godfather of pizza said some incredible things about foreign policy. Back in May, at the South Carolina GOP debate, Cain revealed he had no big ideas for fixing Afghanistan; didn't know if it was good that we were there, or bad; didn't know if we should stay, or go. He got drummed pretty good for this, and a few days later, released this statement: 

Ever since the South Carolina Republican presidential debate, reporters have continued to challenge me for not having a specific plan for our nation's involvement in Afghanistan. They continue to think that if you are running for president then you must have an answer for everything. I don't! A real leader has the right questions for everything.

When asked about what I would do about our involvement in the war in Afghanistan during the debate, I answered by asking the questions that should have been asked before we got involved many years ago. What is our mission? How does it serve our interest? Is there a path to victory? If not, then what is our exit strategy?

I ask these questions instead of "shooting from the lip" because there is obviously a lot of classified information to which I do not have access. There are dozens of experts and military leaders I would need advice from before I could make an informed decision about a real clear plan for the USA's involvement in Afghanistan. Similarly, a real clear strategy for every country with which we have relationships would be developed, regardless of whether or not we are involved in a military conflict.

To be clear, I want to be out of Afghanistan and all war-torn countries as much as the next person. But I am not going to propose a half-baked plan based on half the information I would need to make the right decision, just to pretend I know everything.

At the time, I thought maybe it was commendable that Cain didn't have it all figured out, because it probably meant he was not deadset on making Afghanistan our 51st state. I was so, so wrong. South Carolina ended up being a high point. Cain later revealed he didn't know China has a nuclear bomb. Hawks crapped their nests when he said he would trade all of the wretched souls at Gitmo for one U.S. G.I. He mispronounced the names of countries and said he didn't know who was in charge of them. In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel Cain admitted to asking Henry Kissinger's cryogenically frozen corpse to serve as Secretary of State, and nearly had a stroke trying to stake out his position on Libya. When he finally withdrew from the race, one of my favorite headlines perfectly summed up the irony of an affair being what did Cain in: 

"Rumors of Extramarital Affair End Campaign of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons"

But if you thought this was Leonard-Duran II in New Orleans, you were wrong! This is the "Brawl in Montreal," and Cain is back for mas: 

The one-time frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination sat down with ABC's Barbara Walters for an interview that aired Wednesday night as part of her "10 Most Fascinating People of the Year." During it, he was asked what Cabinet position he'd most like to have. He didn't disappoint.

"We are speaking totally, totally hypothetical, right?" Cain began before shocking Walters and pretty much everyone else by saying: "Department of Defense."

The answer drew an incredulous "What?" from Walters, who followed up with a question about why he'd pick that position over leading the Treasury Department, where he'd be better positioned to advance his 9-9-9 plan.

Cain's response: "Because if I could influence rebuilding our military as it should be, that would be a task I would consider undertaking."

Walters then did what we all wanted to do, she reminded him that as the head of the Department of Defense, "it would be important to be familiar with the various countries around the world, and you've had some difficulty with that, Mr. Cain." 

His response: "Yes, but I have been doing my homework ever since that difficulty," Cain said.

More Reason on Cain, who will never be Secretary of Defense.