Election 2012

Rick Perry Wants to Cut Three Federal Agencies, Sadly Doesn't Remember What the Third One Is

|

The good news is that GOP presidential contender Rick Pery says he wants to eliminate three federal agencies if elected president. The bad news is that the Texas governor can't remember what the third one is. From tonight's GOP debate:

Previously in Rick Perry-speak: What the heck is Rick Perry talking about? 

Advertisement

NEXT: Michigan: Perfect Venue for GOP Candidates to Discuss Obama's Past and Future

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. I’m not even sure what to say about that; Perry has set a new low-water mark for ineptness. It’s a sad day at Fox, which has been mightily invested in the TX Gov.

    1. ….or not. Seems an inept strategy.

    2. Meh, I’m not exactly a rick perry fan, but it still amounts to a brain fart. Not something worth worrying about.

      1. This was sooo not Perry’s low water mark. Giving the axe to cabinet departments is a good thing. A VERY GOOO THING. The most disturbing thing is that it was only three. Frankly I don’t care what the third one was, as long as there is a third one.

        OTOH Perry is a wackaloon that would be worse than…

        DOOOM

  2. Did anyone notice in his last answer of the night, he sort of just…paused…slack-jawed and vacant-looking, for about 3 seconds, and then finished his sentence as if nothing had happened.

    It’s like he rebooted or glitched out or something. I think he’s an earlier, crude prototype of ROMNIAC.

    1. I think we found that last Win-ME holdout

    2. Garbage collection pauses always seem to happen at the worst times.

  3. I keep hearing about how we should take into account that they’re not getting much sleep traveling around the country blah blah blah and that’s why they make mistakes during the debate.

    wtf? Why can’t they get a good sleep the night before the debate? I would think not looking like a moron on national TV would be a higher priority than making it to the FFA spaghetti dinner in Cedar Rapids.

    1. And if that were the case, why is it mostly Perry who is making the worst fuck-ups? I mean, nobody else is even coming close to being as bad as he is.

    2. Have you had those Iowan aggies’ pasta? It’s GOOOOOOOOOOOD.

    3. We should give them all sorts of slack if they aren’t getting enough sleep because the President of the United States is guaranteed a good eight and a half hours every night isn’t he? It’s not like there is a lot of stuff that might keep you up late or wake you up in the night if you are the President.

  4. Did anyone notice in his last answer of the night, he sort of just…paused…slack-jawed and vacant-looking, for about 3 seconds, and then finished his sentence as if nothing had happened.

    He got into Tulpy Poo’s Dimetapp stash.

  5. Oh my God I just watched that clip. I had no idea how stupid he looked from the description.

    Ron Paul could have whispered “Fuck you Detroit” for the third department and Perry would have repeated it.

    1. I might actually watch SNL if they did an entire Paul Perry-Puppet skit.

    2. That absolutely would have been made of purest, unalloyed awesome.

  6. Really.

  7. So I guess Ron Paul is now one of Perry’s advisors?

  8. And if that were the case, why is it mostly Perry who is making the worst fuck-ups?

    Seriously? Perry is a retail politican. He excels at one-on-one, meet and greet events, kissing babies and all the stuff that conventional campaigns entail. He’s really out of his element.

    1. Yeah I meant if the explanation was “it’s because they’re so tired”. I was casting doubt on that reasoning.

      1. I think a lot of them don’t practice answering debate questions because of ego issues.

        You can tell Romney is rehearsing beforehand, and Santorum actually seems fairly polished as well (no pun intended).

        Ron Paul is also horrible with being caught off guard by obvious questions.

        1. Romney doesn’t have to practice answering the questions, because he is pre-fed punch cards into the slot in his back containing all possible permutations of questions and acceptable responses, controlling for audience demographics.

    2. Kissing babies is tough business.

      1. Kissing babies is serious business.

        Fix’d.

  9. I mean, he wasn’t even asked about it. It had nothing to do with the question. He just spontaneously decided to tweak Ron Paul about cutting departments and then couldn’t finish the list.

    Talk about unforced errors.

  10. Ron Paul could have whispered “Fuck you Detroit” for the third department and Perry would have repeated it.

    Too bad he didn’t. Think of the LULZ! Certainly tells you something about Paul’s character.

    1. Now that’s something they should rehearse.

      Come up with something so horribly vile that it will set Republican viewers’ ears and those of their pets and children on fire, that you can whisper when Perry looks to you for a lifeline.

    2. Well, technically “EPA” was almost as obscene from the POV of the questioners.

      It also isn’t a department.

  11. Great game, coach. I like the way you tried the delay on 3rd and 15.
    Good hustle.

  12. OT: Penn St. just fired JoPa AND the president of the university.

    1. He showed great hustle out there.

    2. That press conference was quite a circus. Did they pack as many pro-Paterno reporters in there as possible? Mein Gott.

      I liked the “last question” about whether the board of regents has had it in for JoePa since 2004. I mean seriously, what answer are you expecting?

      1. Yeah, I miss Jim Mora, because at least you got honest responses to stupid questions.

        1. They are who we thought they were!

      2. “I mean seriously, what answer are you expecting?”
        I stopped beating my wife, uh, last week!

    3. Bobby Bowden must be thanking the dadgum Lord he didn’t go out like this. Out of decency, I assume he’ll wait a day or two before lobbying the NCAA to strike about 40 wins off JoePa’s official record.

  13. Tulpa’s Titanium Law of Rhetoric #17:

    Never say how long a list is until you’ve already listed it.

    1. “I don’t know, but let me tell ya, we have got to cut x-number of departments over there. I’m talking Education, Commerce…you name it — this country is going broke, and the last thing we can afford is pasture full of sacred cows.”

      Better?

      1. yes better, and “pasture full of sacred cows” is a folksy line that only Perry, or Cain, could have credibility in saying.

      1. Shut up, you silly old bat.

          1. Maria, be fair, that louzzzzzzzy erection thingy was not his fault-a a micropenis is genetic

            1. It is I, Leclerc!

            2. So you were you rejected from DeVry AND the University of Phoenix. Big deal. There’s always Grant College.

              1. Hey, I went there! Cool.

                1. I hear they give a course in opening umbrellas…

  14. I might actually watch SNL if they did an entire Paul Perry-Puppet skit.

    Someone tell that OWS’er MFA in Puppetry douchenozzle that a job opportunity just opened up.

  15. Penn St. just fired JoPa AND the president of the university.

    My heart just bleeds rivers for them.

    1. They blew 30 minutes of the 10pm newscast on the press conference and they’re STILL talking about it.

      Oh good, they just broke away for a 20-second weather forecast. Now back to Showergate.

      1. I’m calling playpenn rape
        http://rctlfy.wordpress.com/20…..niversity/

        1. Shut up, you silly old bat.

    2. Penn State seems to be taking it far worse than Baylor, where the scandal actually involved a dead body.

  16. What’s older: Me or band-aids?

    1. These Penn St. jokes are already old…unlike that little boy.

      Also:

      McDonalds has released the new “Penn St. Burger Delux”, which consists of an old piece of meat between two fresh buns.

      1. That’s just turrible, turrible.

      2. I’m guessing everyone has heard this beauty… if you call an old woman who goes after young men a “cougar”, what do you call an old man that goes after young men? A Nittany Lion.

    2. I’d have less sympathy for him if he didn’t sound like the guy from Wallace and Gromit.

    3. The heat’s off

    4. The heat’s off

  17. Tulpa’s Titanium Law of Rhetoric #17:

    I seem to have misplaced 1 through 16.

    1. 1. Never ask a “why” question.
      2. Never say you’re sorry.

      Fuck, I have no idea what the other ones are. What are they again?

      1. I’m fairly certain one of your laws also deals with the scourge of bum-feeding in public parks, no?

        1. Don’t park perpendicular to the road, either.

    2. Tulpa’s Titanium Law 1: Better 100 innocent men go to jail than 1 guilty man go free.

      1. Pfft, that’s a Law for the vast majority of the American public. I mean what are you, soft on crime?!

      2. than one gamboler go free.

        Innocent or not.

      3. Tulpa’s Titanium Law 3: Never trust a Jew!

        Oh, wait…that was Telsa, not Tulpa.

        Never mind.

      4. Tulpa’s Third Law: Never trust a Jew!

        Oh wait…that was Telsa, not Tulpa.

        Never mind.

        1. Good hustle. Good hustle.

        2. Oh wait…that was Telsa, not Tulpa.

          Who’s Nikola Telsa?

      5. Better 100 innocent men go to jail than 1 guilty man go free.

        I remember that being attributed to Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov. Any documentation on it available?

    3. Binky’s Mercury Law of Rhetoric:

      Never say what number a list begins with.

  18. he is pre-fed punch cards into the slot in his back ass containing all possible permutations of questions and acceptable responses

    FTFY. He deserves a flashbang grenade in there as well. In fact, a napalm enema.

    1. So do you support the brainless moron or the pizza groper?

      1. Anybody but Romney. It’s his turn.

  19. They blew 30 minutes of the 10pm newscast

    Poor choice of words given the circumstances…

    1. , he ejaculated.

      1. That was worth a laugh!

    2. meanwhile, Occupy College Park has unfolded with kids defending a coach’s decision to try and sweep the sexual assault of a child under the administrative rug.

      1. State College, not College Park. Fucking Tarps.

  20. I think he’s using an ear mic feed that has bad interference.

    Someone get The Amazing Randi on this!

  21. Fuck, I have no idea what the other ones are. What are they again?

    I warned you about that Dimetapp, Tulpy Poo. But NO!…Mr. DIY thinks he knows better. I’ll note that in your chart, Dr. Elaine Benes.

    1. Death from above!

  22. Has anyone seen my arch-enemy on this thread?

      1. trickle UP

  23. So do you support the brainless moron or the pizza groper?

    I’m trying to calculate the lulz co-efficient.

    Though, to be honest, I’m not convinced the women are telling the truth, at worst, and are grossly embellishing, at best.

    The poor, unfortunate stroke victim is too stoopid to do any real damage, however.

  24. than embellishing be grossly honest.

  25. I was thinking Perry was acting like Towlie, “I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

    1. “Man, I’m so high.”

  26. Energy, Perry! You should also eliminate the Department of Energy. (Yes, the EPA needs to be eliminated too.)

  27. Tulpa|11.9.11 @ 10:24PM|#
    “I keep hearing about how we should take into account that they’re not getting much sleep traveling around the country blah blah blah and that’s why they make mistakes during the debate.”

    Do they get a mulligan when they end up prez and have the bomb in their hands?
    Sorry, I never got a pass on a bad presentation ’cause I didn’t get sleep; either it was good or not.

    1. Do they get a mulligan when they end up prez and have the bomb in their hands?

      Only if they’re Democrats. This also applies if they’re Vice Prez, as in the cases of Al Gore and Joe Biden.

  28. Rick Perry is David Puddy, only dumber and less qualified to run stuff.

    1. High Five

  29. Do they get a mulligan when they end up prez and have the bomb in their hands?

    That’s no way to talk about Allred’s floozy client!

  30. Do they get a mulligan when they end up prez and have the bomb in their hands?

    Is the bat-signal a letter of marque?

  31. Perry’s climate science briefings seem to be taking their toll:

    http://i41.tinypic.com/mc6sdj.jpg.html

  32. Why am I getting the impression that  Newt Gingrich is a creepy wizard, and the rest of them are his necro play toys

    1. Shut up, you silly old bat.

  33. At least it’s now mainstream to talk about eliminating a federal agency.

    1. Yes, and we always keep our campaign promises

      1. Shut up, you silly old bat.

    2. Republicans have been talking about it since at least Reagan.

      The problem is that they never do it.

  34. Ouch! is right Rick. That was painful to watch. I feel bad for the guy, but what are you going to do when you can’t remember which agency you want to axe. Obama would unfortunately toast you in a debate.

  35. I loved Cain’s “Princess Nancy” line. If Herman can think on his feet in a debate…how can he screw up a sit down interview so bad? I mean the guy has given over a million of his own $$$ to right to life causes, and throws a handful of marbles in his mouth when he is asked a question about it-go figure.
    I think Paul is prepping the country for some big cuts coming.

    1. I dunno.

      I only saw half of the debate and twice I saw him asked one thing only to have him respond to something else, as if he didn’t even understand the question.

      I think he’s only marginally brighter than Perry, though he’s certainly smoother.

  36. “After the debate, Perry was asked by reporters what he thought of his debate execution?
    “I’m all for it,” said Perry.”

  37. I didn’t watch the debate, and from what I gather thus far, I’d be better off gouging my eyeballs out than making the effort to see it. And Gary Johnson, we’re to believe, isn’t qualified to be on this stage? I rather think that these clowns, (with the exception of Paul after he’s remembered his meds), aren’t qualified to be on a stage with him. Sigh… this election is going to end in tears, no matter what.

  38. does it make any difference what the third one was…fucking pick one, any one and just eliminate it, what could go wrong?

  39. I don’t know how to say “fuck-up” in Austrian, but I’m sure it sounds powerful, right, Rick?

    1. Wanker. They speak Australian in Austria, right?

  40. I think the takeaway from all of this is that Rick Perry is showing his ass in terms of not really having any principles. He’s got pre-packaged material he’s trying to spout off, but since he actually doesn’t give a shit about anything other than getting elected, he’s not invested in the information.

    For example, if someone said they were a libertarian, and believed in life, liberty, and uhhhhh, you’d suspect they weren’t actually very interested in the philosophy after all. You don’t rehearse your principles.

    That’s the real difference between Romney and Perry. Neither has any convictions, but Romney is better at memorizing his lines, and sounds like he believes his own bullshit. Romney could persuasively argue both sides of a point, and sound like he believed in both: a true master of doublethink. Perry can’t even argue one side, or remember it.

  41. How can you get this wrong? Just name any three agencies – they all suck. Even if he fucked up and named a Department, Office, or Bureau instead of an Agency nobody would have noticed.

  42. Yeah, get rid of education. Why do you want stupid kids, Rick Perry? You’re evidence the education system needs help.

    1. Abolishing the FEDERAL Department of Education is not “getting rid of education.” It is getting rid of federal interference in what should be local systems – as well as ridding tax payers of 5,000 unnecessary government employees and $71 billion in wasteful spending.

      1. The federal Dept of Education was created during the Carter administration.

        It has spent tons of money and the national educational outcomes haven’t improved one iota.

        It has been a complete waste of the taxpayers money and eliminating it would be good riddance.

  43. Too bad he keeps screwing up. Rick Perry seems like a real dude.

    “Woops” That’s what a pontificating guy in a bar would say when he screwed up. Then he would have to chug or drink a shot.

    1. Then he would ask the old codger sitting next to him – who would fuck with him.

  44. He only wants to cut out three. That alone disqualifies him.

  45. Potatoe …

    I can easily prove that Mitt Romney is a robot. He follows the 3 Laws of Robotics.

    1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. (No military, but a missionary stint in France)
    2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. (Look! The RNC!)
    3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. (Must maintain my media and contribution stream.. Must.. Get.. Re-Elected.. That is my prime function…)

    “Captain, your logic is impeccable, we are in grave danger..” – Star Trek “The Changeling”

  46. It’s easy to remember your convictions but it’s hard to remember talking points designed to portray you as a straight shooter.

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.