Economics

A Businessman for President?

Herman Cain aims for the White House.

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Herman Cain has an impressive record in the business world. He was a successful vice president at Pillsbury and Burger King, then he turned around the failing Godfather's Pizza.

Is that the kind of person the country needs as president? Cain thinks so.

I had Cain on my Fox Business show last week.

As a businessman, Cain saw firsthand the harm that government interventions like the minimum-wage inflict. People lose their jobs without even realizing why.

"If the government were to mandate an increase in minimum wage today … it would simply drive the unemployment rate even higher."

How would he deal with the debt problem?

"We will not default … . (P)ay the military people and their military families, make sure we pay the interest on debt, pay Medicare bills, and then make sure we pay the Medicaid bills. (E)verything else should be on the table. "

Cain says government is not only too big—it's too complex. To change that, he said congressional bills should be no more than three pages. He's taken a ribbing on that from Jon Stewart

"(T)hree pages was a number to exaggerate a point. Make sure bills are short enough and understandable enough for the American people to understand."

On other matters, Cain can be ambiguous—special tax treatment for corn-based ethanol, for example.

"(M)ake sure the farmers who are dependent upon ethanol subsidies have the proper alternative distribution for the product."

How can a defender of free markets say that?

"Once you help the farmers get their products to market all over the world, they won't need those subsidies and the free market principles will perform much better because then we should allow ethanol, methanol and all sources to compete in the marketplace."

He also supported TARP bank bailout.

"I looked at the financial meltdown. That was one of the worst situations that I have ever seen, and we need(ed) to do something drastic. But when the administration started to pick winners and losers, I did not agree with the implementation."

He opposed the bailouts of Chrysler and General Motors.

While Cain says he wants less government, he also supports bans on abortion and gay marriage, and the war on drugs. The failure of the war on drugs is obvious to me. I wondered why he didn't see it.

"First, get serious about restricting the amount of illegal drugs coming into this country. … I refuse to accept defeat by simply legalizing it."

To me, that wouldn't be accepting defeat. That would be proclaiming individual liberty.

On war and peace, Cain has sounded evasive. When asked about Afghanistan during the first presidential debate, he said: "The experts and their advice and their input would be the basis for me making that decision. I am not privy to a lot of confidential information." On my show, he said, "(S)ince that debate, I have begun to develop some perspective on those issues."

So should we get out or stay?

"(T)he surge was working, but this president decided to start drawing troops home. … (T)he two worst things that we can do is leave too soon if we can win, if we define winning."

Can we define winning?

"That is why I have to talk to the experts because the United States interest is not clear. … (U)ntil I have a clear definition of what winning means for the United States of America, I will not shoot from the lip."

The political class mocks Cain for seeking the presidency—despite never having held public office. I say: What's so great about political experience? All that means is that you are skilled at sucking up to people, smiling when you don't mean it and promising everything to everyone.

I would rather have a businessman as president than a career politician, although government must never be compared to a business, because unlike a company, government gets its revenue by force. Let's also remember the real problem is that government intrudes in matters outside its proper sphere. Not even a great businessman could make that work.

John Stossel is host of Stossel on the Fox Business Network. He's the author of Give Me a Break and of Myth, Lies, and Downright Stupidity. To find out more about John Stossel, visit his site at johnstossel.com.

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  1. Is that the kind of person the country needs as president?

    No.

    Not because he is a businessman, but because of his demonstrated ignorance of the constitution.

    1. And because he is a bigot. His “no Muslims in my cabinet” comments are disgusting.

      1. I agree. You’d think someone of his race and age would remember what unfair discrimination and bigotry felt like and be more cautious in making blanket generalizations.

        1. The idea of minority solidarity has never held up. What’s been more common is a minority finding another hated group and using that to demonstrate common ground with the majority.

          1. 30 years from now, gay Muslims will join with the rest of us to persecute some other random subgroup.

            The circle of life.

        2. Oh, sure “the old black guy” must understand and “remember what unfair discrimination and bigotry felt like” just because he’s an “old blck guy”?

          That’s straight up RACIST!!

          1. How? I am not asserting that any race is superior to any other.

            1. I am.

              1. So am I.

            2. I’m asserting that some beliefs are better than others.

            3. Don’t come around here much, eh, deathportal?

              1. I read often, but rarely post.

                1. I think what Almanian is saying is that he’s very, very, sorry for not including <sarcasm> tags in his 12:30 post.

                  1. Fair enough; sometimes sarcasm in type goes over my head.

        3. Unless “Muslim” became a race in the last 5 minutes it’s not really the same thing. Religion is a choice, race isn’t. And we discriminate based on peoples choices all the time. Much as folks here are doing, i.e. discriminating against Cain for his choice of words.

          1. Bigotry =/= racism.

      2. They’re both disgusting and amazingly ill informed. There are no sets of laws in Judaism and Christianity? Really?

        1. There are set laws meant to apply to the religions and their adherents. Where your analogy fails is that Islamic Sharia contains not only religious laws but also political precepts. There is no “render unto Caesar” in ISlam because, unlike Moses or Christ, Mohammed actually was Caesar at the time and served as both a successful political and spiritual leader. Further, while Christianity is a proselytizing faith, their are specific Scriptures in which Christ forbade forcible conversion. While these may have been ignored, Islam is explicit on converting societies in both the religious and secular sense by force if necessary.

          1. 1. Where was “render unto Caesar” in Torah Judaism? The OT laws were pretty clearly intended for a theocracy.

            2. Be careful about comparing Islam in practice with Judaism and Christianity in theory. Since the rise of the religious right, plenty of Christians and some Jews have promoted the belief that their religions’ laws are morally binding on everyone and should be made legally binding on everyone. Can you explain them away without committing a “no true Scotsman”?

            1. 1. You have a good point there. However, even there, outside of the boundaries of Israel, there was no commandment of the Torah to expand, whereas Islam is clearly intended to be a worldwide religious/political philosophy.

              2. I agree that there are some on the fringe of Christianity and Judaism who would embrace theocracy. I would also posit, as seen in polls from countries such as Egypt, which was actually fairly pro-Western in alignment, that this is a much more mainstream view.

              Further, I would question if we’re comparing the same thing in the mainstream religious right’s view and the view of imposing Shia. The latter calls for forcible conversion of non-believers and at least penalizing the other Peoples of the Book. I would assume your objections to the Christian Right is their views on things such as abortion, pornography and legal endorsement of homosexual relationships. I would posit the positions they take here were the norm in our nation since it’s founding. Is it your position that Washington’s America was a theocracy?

          2. Acts 3:23

            And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people.

            1. Alas, I don;t have my Bible at work with me, so I cannot examine the context of your quote. But I would also take the actual Gospel quotes of Christ specifically telling the apostles that they were not to forcibly convert individuals as more authoritative than Acts. But that’s just me

      3. Also religious tests for office are unconstitutional (Article VI, paragraph 3). So he is an idiot and a bigot.

    2. David Schultz aka Dr. D for President.

    3. David Schultz aka Dr. D for President.

  2. OT, and please file under what the fuck can’t the government take away?

    Seriously, what the fuck prevents them from taking anything, anymore?

    1. Sadly nothing, nothing all.

      Speaking of gold, that doofus Krugman just posted a conspiracy theory on his blog that the main reason why the price of gold has gone so high is because of, wait for it… Glenn Beck’s now-cancelled TV program. Never mind the fact that the price of gold started skyrocketing way back in 2001, years before Beck was well-known.

      I used to think Krugman was purely agenda-driven, but reading that piece made me realize just how completely stupid the man truly is.

      1. I just purchased $10,000 in gold last week, and will be buying more soon. In five years gold will be $3,000 to $4,000 an ounce. This will happen not because of Beck (obviously), but because of policies advocated by morons such as Krugman that will drasically reduce the value of the dollar (QE1, QE2, QE3…). Krugman is fucking delusional, but most of you already know that.

        1. Investing in gold is for the poor.

      2. The problem isn’t that there’s too much stupidity, the problem is that there isn’t enough!

        As the accompanying chart demonstrates.

        1. Yea full on from the title of his “page”

          The conscious of a liberal.

    2. Normally I’d be in total agreement. However, glancing at the article, it sounds like the government’s case is that the coins were stolen?

      1. They claim they were, yet there is no conviction. Saying someone stole something from you and not proving it in court gives you no right to take it from their grandchild 78 years later. Especially when you cannot say specifically what they are alleged to have stolen.

        They took the coins to the Treasury in good faith for appraisal and had them stolen. This is utter bullshit, pure and simple.

        How would you feel if you took a 1921 Model T to Ford to appraise and they took it because they said your great grandfather worked the assembly line and one disappeared that year, without a shred of evidence? Now multiply that by about 50,000 and you’ll start to see how these folks got fucked over.

        1. Just playing devil’s advocate here, but since the guy who supposedly “stole” the gold is dead, they couldn’t convict him anyway. They also said they had documentation showing he had previous shady dealings and motivation to hide the coins. I dunno. Sucks bad for the family, but that other article has more details that make it at least a little murkier.

          1. They could still try him to determine If they were illegally obtained. If they can’t prove they got them illegally, then they should assume they have them legally, which means the government has no right to the coins whatsoever.

            1. The original article is seriously short on details, but doesn’t…

              A jury has decided that a set of rare gold coins found in a bank deposit box rightfully belongs to the U.S. government.

              …basically mean indicate they did determine the coins were illegally obtained? It’s not clear exactly what the issues of the case were that the jury decided.

    3. If those coins were stolen from the government, they were stolen from us, since our taxes (or our ancestors’).

      I’ve never met a Libertarian that didn’t believe in property rights, but I suppose there’s a first for everything.

      If you want to argue that those taxes were stolen, and thus the coins were re-stolen goods, that’s fine. But the original owner would still be the taxpayers and not that lady.

  3. “I would rather have a businessman as president than a career politician, although government must never be compared to a business…”

    Stossel is such a clown. He’s basically saying that he wants somebody to run the government whose only experience is running something that is not like the government.

    We’ve alreadty tried with Bush Jr. having a businessman run the government. Didn’t work so well.

    1. Is it safe to assume that you’ll be trolling all day?

      1. Yep. Enjoy the chicken fingers.

        1. Bush Version 2.0 was/is still a moron.

          Cain, while a fool for sopping to the far-right, is not a moron.

    2. By any account W was a successful governor first, and wouldn’t have been elected (or nominated, or even run) without that. His failures were ideological, not due to incompetence at managing the government or operating in a political environment.

      I just don’t see how it logically follows that a businessman can’t successfully run a government. Cain would probably do an awful job, but it would be because of his support for all of government’s stupidest adventures and an abysmal understanding of the Constitution.

    3. So we should stick with community organizers?

      1. Right OS, because any critique of a republican candidate is a sure sign that one is an Obama lackey.

    4. We’ve alreadty tried with Bush Jr. having a businessman run the government. Didn’t work so well.

      Having someone who’s never managed anything doesn’t seem to be working at all well, either.

    5. Cain has several successful business’s.
      Bush had no successful business. Hence little to compare.

  4. This guy makes George Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar… Watching his interview with Chris Wallace was painful. Why is Reason giving him any press?

  5. I tire of Cain’s basically saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I’d ask the experts” all the time. You’ve got two eyes. You’re literate. Read a fucking book and LEARN something.

    And unless a candidate is willing to at least support an AUDIT the Federal Reserve, there’s no way I’m voting for them. Period.

    1. He can`t read something with more than 3 pages though. No taking Mises to the beach line for him.

      1. Actually, Cain suggested bills be no longer than three pages.

    2. Plus, how do you figure “experts”? I mean do you get a whole bunch of Ivy League grads? ‘Cos that worked out so well with Robert McNamara et al.

    3. ^^^^

      The man can read and presumably form his own opinions. I too am sick of him saying he’ll “listen to the experts.” Politicians have been doing that for some time and that is why we are in the clusterfuck we are in.

    4. Obama didn’t know jack shit, other than being a paid rabblerouser and – briefly – a legislator.

      And yet, idiots like shrike voted for him.

      1. a legislator who voted “present”

    5. So we should find someone who’s an expert on everything, or someone who’s willing to make crucial decisions based on skimming a few books, OR someone honest enough to say “I have no fucking clue, but I know who to ask.”

  6. “While Cain says he wants less government, he also supports bans on abortion and gay marriage, and the war on drugs.”

    Not necessarily in that order. My guess would be:

    1. More war on drugs
    2. Go after the gays
    3. Blather about abortion
    4. “Less what?”

    1. Word.

    2. I think he’d probably put TEH GHEYZ first.

    3. how exactly does defining marriage as between one man and one woman harm homosexuals? or poligamists for that matter?

  7. So, uh, what was Cain’s hook for libertarians supposed to be? Just the businessman part? His message doesn’t seem pro-liberty near as much as conservative sounding populism … which is a form of statism. What ultimately separates his political views from Santorum, who thinks both governments AND individuals should exist for the sake of the family (AFAIC)? I suppose on the whole he’s better than #44, but how much better would he actually be?

    1. Not much…It’d be like every other election, pick your poison

  8. Big surprise. Cain is a mixed bag on economics, and absolutely terrible on civil liberties. Hardly a news flash here.

  9. Last year, I moved into a middle class neighborhood right around summer time. The move went smooth, and it seemed like everything was just?working. Nothing broke during the cycle, I had plenty of friends to help me out, hell I even found twenty bucks in my couch! Beer money? Hell yeah!

    Anyway, back to the house. For the first day or two, I thought life couldn’t get any better; my girl was beautiful, my friends were happy, and my parents were fixing their relationship. However, I hadn’t realized ? until it was too late ? that I was doomed to remain in this prison, which I sit in now as I tell you this story.

    The first time it happened, I was in my room. I was in the zone on my Xbox. You know what I mean, where you get 10 headshots without breaking a sweat? Yeah, that. As I was kicking fat terrorist ass I heard movement downstairs (My room was on the second floor). It sounded like someone was running around down there. Like, they were running from room to room banging on the walls, just being flat out obnoxious.

    “Hey, Jeff! Get out of my house, I said three-o’clock, dumbass!”

    The noise stopped.

    I waited a few moments before turning back to my game, but it was too late. I was already doomed. I saw it come at me too late?A tank.

    “Son of a?” I sighed.

    The next few days were normal, there were no more sounds that shouldn’t be there, just the pipes, the heater, you know the sort. Yet, about 3 days later, that idiot Jeff snuck into my house and started beating up my shit.

    “Alright, you aren’t getting off so easy this time!” I shouted as I charged down the stairs. As my foot hit the last step, something out of the corner of my eye moved. I looked over so fast that I got whiplash. “Oh, dammit!” I moaned. I didn’t even pay any attention to the fact that whatever was in my house ? had disappeared.

    After that, it got worse.

    That same night, as I layed in bed, the banging started again. Not only was it worse, but it was on my floor of the house this time. I was sure I locked everything before I came up here, so here I was pissing my pants at 900 miles per hour while something destroyed my house. I actually pulled the blankets over me ? hey, I was scared ? as the noise approached my door. Just as I expected it to bash open my door and slaughter me, it stopped.

    The next morning I grabbed my baseball bat as I got out of bed, if whatever that thing is, was still out there, it would regret it. I didn’t find anything, but my house was trashed. Almost everything was tipped over, torn, broken, missing, or worse. I just figured I had been robbed.

    I called the police, they didn’t do shit. But the noises stopped for a week or so, and that made things easier. Sure I was pissed that some fuck destroyed my new place, but at least I was ok. But, of course, I know now that it wasn’t a robber, or Jeff, or the pipes in the walls?It was the thing IN the walls.

    A week after the incident, it came back.

    This time it was pissed. I was startled out of my slumber by the noise of a vase breaking into a thousand pieces downstairs. SMASH it went, with little pieces still breaking a few seconds after the initial smash as if to mock me.

    Not long after, I began to hear more deep, guttural banging noises on the walls again. Coming from inside of them, no doubt. As I lie there in my bed, I let out the tiniest, quietest, timidest squeak by sheer mistake, and the noise stops.

    Sharpest ears I’ve ever seen, those were.

    After several painstakingly long moments of silence, I released the breath I was holding, thinking it was over for now. Big mistake, I realize, as the noises suddenly start to rampage up the stairs. Incredibly fast, incredibly loud, smack, crash, bang against my wooden floor.

    The beast, which I could now accurately call it, broke my door open with intense force, thrusting it all the way to the opposite side of the room. Being an intelligent individual, I had already hidden under my impenetrable field of safety known as the common blanket.

    The noise of this monster running through my room, it’s footsteps enough to damage my eardrums at this close, was the scariest thing I had ever experienced in my entire life.

    With a sudden burst of adrenaline, I threw the blankets off in the direction of the?thing, somehow making a direct impact to its face. Whoever ? or whatever ? this was, was stunned. But not for long, and I knew that. I frantically moved across my room, attempting to make it out the door, downstairs, outside, where I could attract public attention.

    This night, luck was not on my side. I knew this as a large hunk of my hair was grabbed from behind and pulled out with such force that pieces of skins came along with it, along with a shitload of blood. Before a scream escapes my voice box, I’m being held down by a dark, hairless beast that walks on all fours with a face I can hardly imagine again, that then smashes my head with it’s fist, sending me into a dark, welcoming sleep.

    ?

    Someone new has moved in, but they don’t even acknowledge my existence, the jackass. I patiently watch, wait, hear, hoping that they will. But no. Not me. I’m not worth it to them.

    Maybe if I bang on the walls.

    1. Warty, I do love when you transpose stories for the trolls!

      Oh, it’s not Warty…

    2. Take your hack wannabe-Stephen-King nonsense elsewhere.

    3. Did anybody else notice the link in the name goes to the Nation of Islam? I’m confused. Was that the idea?

    4. Please come back in twenty years and let us know how it woked out.

      1. *worked

  10. Summary of my opinion/hopes for Cain: Son, I am Disappoint.

    Had high hopes. I like the whole bidnessman thing. Heard him in a couple of radio interviews, thought, “Hey, this guy’s interesting…” Then he throws down the fucking STATIST card with WoD and shit.

    Damn. High hopes. Guess I’m back to voting for myself, Warty, or HERCULE TRIATHLON SAIVINEN in 2012…

    1. Oh, or “not voting”. I’m actually considering that for the first time, ever.

      1. vote for me. If elected, I promise to wreak all manner of havoc until impeached. The “office of pardons” will (briefly) be the largest department in the executive.

        I’d give the over/under on a Cyto presidency at about 3 weeks. It’d take that long for them to figure out that I was serious. You can negate a lot of evil in 3 weeks. Of course, after I fire a couple of million federal employees, I may not survive to stand impeachment.

    2. Same here. I have to admit I also thought it would be cool to have a black conservative as a president so that we could cry “Racism!” every time a white liberal criticized him (I could see the editorials now, “When Chris Matthews used the phrase ‘uninformed goof’ when referring to President Cain, there was a ‘porch monkey, go back to Africa!’ tone to his voice”). Alas, it seems he’s just a GWB rehash.

      That said, I still think he’d be better than Obama, but who wouldn’t be?

  11. Cain is a mixed bag on economics, and absolutely terrible on civil liberties. Hardly a news flash here.

    Sounds like a pretty typical candidate to me. Why is he portrayed as some kind of whack-job?

    1. Why aren’t most of them “portrayed as some kind of whack-job?”

    2. Seriously, he’s a standard issue Republican, with nothing new to offer.

      1. Seems that way. He’d basically preserve the status quo, with mumbling non-explanations of why we need to “stay the course” (what course?) in Afghanistan and any other Third-World rockpiles with Muslims in them.

        Bailouts to banks, tossing potheads in prison, micromanaging who gets married and who has an abortion…yawn, NEXT.

    3. RC,

      Because he is a bigot

    4. Sounds like a pretty typical person.

  12. I was startled out of my slumber by the noise of a vase breaking into a thousand pieces

    The day after your “house was trashed. Almost everything was tipped over, torn, broken, missing, or worse”, you immediately bought and staged a vase?

    Maybe your straight friends are trying to give you a Code Red.

  13. Cain’s defense of his support of TARP is comical. He said “something needed to be done”, but he turned against TARP when they started giving some of our money to non-bankers. Maybe that’s not so surprising, since he actually worked for the Federal Reserve.

    1. He’s a flip-flopping hypocrite, like all the rest. Almost all politicians were on board for TARP, because their lobbyist buddies were freaking out, but lots of them are trying to backpedal because of the obvious rage TARP now inspires. Cain wasn’t an elected official, but it’s a small difference when you’re currently campaigning with baggage.

    2. “Something needs to be done”: some of the scariest words, ever. Among other things they gave us the Alien & Sedition Acts, Patriot Act, Japanese Internment, 1970s Price Freezes et al

  14. Cain is a black/male version of Palin. He’s a populist conservative and should be looked at with extremely skeptical eyes by anyone claiming to be a libertarian.

    1. No

      Palin hasn’t said anything nearly as absurd as Cain. The “I won’t accept a muslim in my administration” meme is total idiocy.

  15. Be sure and stay even after blood runs out of the walls. You’ll be ok.

  16. I was never really that impressed by him, and now that it’s clear he thinks unpopular religions are okay to discriminate against, I’m just sad that he even gets attention from the media.

  17. While Cain says he wants less government, he also supports bans on abortion and gay marriage, and the war on drugs. The failure of the war on drugs is obvious to me. I wondered why he didn’t see it.

    Because he’s a sanctimonius bastard, John.

    “First, get serious about restricting the amount of illegal drugs coming into this country. … I refuse to accept defeat by simply legalizing it.”

    To me, that wouldn’t be accepting defeat. That would be proclaiming individual liberty.

    To me as well. It is clear that Cain is just another run-of-the-mill conservative who wants the government to be big enough to shape society the way HE wants it, which does not really contrast that much with lefties who want government big enough to shape society the way THEY want. Both are SOCIALISTS.

  18. I was fairly turned off by his performance on Stossel. His best moment was a 15+ year old clip from a Q&A session with President Clinton. His populism plays OK for a few phrases, but then he falls apart. He’s better as a sound bite than as a candidate.

  19. None of the candidates are great, but Johnson and Paul are certainly pretty good, and the best of the bunch by far.

    OT: Do you guys support licensing firearms and/or driving?

    1. Using firearms while driving is both distracted driving and distracted firing, and I am totally against it.

  20. I got a call from the Cain campaign yesterday. Had they called two weeks ago, they may have landed a check. I’m glad they waited and I didn’t throw fifty dollars in the trash cam.

  21. This guy supports ethanol subsidies, TARP, the drug war, and the war in Afghanistan. Are you sure his name isn’t Barack Obama?

  22. Re: Alan Vanneman,

    Racist!

  23. Wow… no shrike posts. I am amaze.

    1. Even more surprising – posts from the Cain fains, like Gregooo or Holy Cow

  24. Support bans on abortion and gay marriage, and support the war on drugs? See ya…this is why I can’t support any Republican other than Paul.

  25. Ugh. Team Stossel, assemble.

  26. Mr. Springsteen, tear down this bridge.

  27. That awful 1980s Captain America movie is on Sci-Fi Channel. ^_^

  28. Stoss is union busting tonight?

  29. Root’s mustache felt inadequate and decided to sit out tonight’s Stossel.

  30. He’d get more traction if all these guys weren’t always, without exception, white.

  31. Woods is getting kickbacks from the Big Forklift.

  32. Fuck safety; I’d prefer to take my increased wage in the form of money, please.

    1. Wads of dough make a good cushion.

  33. Morgenthau was just trying to tank Obama’s re-election.

  34. Hoover + Bangladesh = RROOAADDZZSS!!!!

  35. Was that dude in the blue hardhat taking credit for the Boulder Dam?

  36. Root almost got a word in edge-wise. Almost.

    1. Wasn’t he great, folks? He’ll be back.

      1. As long as he doesn’t have to take “audience questions”.

  37. Haha, the post office faces a “growing” crisis.

    Growing is a euphemism for erections.

    1. I see what you did there.

  38. Bill O’Reilly using hyperbole? NEVER!

  39. Dirt alone does not mud make.

  40. REASON TV IN DA HOUUUUUUUUUUUSE.

  41. Where’s the jacket!?

  42. …Jackson actually did those things though (massacring Indians, etc.)

  43. Cleveland’s bastard went to command at teh Wall.

  44. He Loves Me Not started WW3?

  45. Goldwater actually did that, though (started a nuclear war).

  46. What does Stoss have against family men?

    1. They’re off the market for him, so he doesn’t like them.

      1. With that stache, no one is off the market for him.

  47. You’re on Fox Biz, John. No one is watching.

  48. I hate MSNBC as much as the next thinking man, but I think it’s ridiculous for the most-watched cable TV news channel to constantly state that it’s not “mainstream media”. Being the most popular kind of makes you mainstream by default.

  49. What if I and a loved one have been diagnosed with mesothelioma?

  50. I find copious amounts of alcohol very liberating.

    1. Then Russia is absolutely wallowing in liberty.

      1. It only works if your liver hasn’t turned to stone yet.

  51. Lady Gaga = liberty?

  52. Is this a different table from where Root, Woods and Gillespie were interviewed? I smell a rat.

  53. So Stalin = 1920s American conservative, got it.

  54. BECAUSE “BORN IN THE USA” IS ANTI-AMERICAN.

    1. i’ll be able to stay as soon as my anchor baby is BORN IN THE USA

      i’ll be able to stay as soon as my anchor baby is BORN IN THE USA

  55. How did all those East Germans know the lyrics to “Born in the USA”? The commies did a pretty shitty job of keeping stuff out.

  56. Thaddeus brand blue jeans?

  57. NO FUCK WENDY’S SQUARE HAMBURGERS, GOD how I hate them.

  58. Why did the commies always want our jeans? Of all the symbols of western excess, denim breeches was paragon?

  59. So that sales lady stole that guy’s identity by reading his mind? How can we protect against this?

    1. I got a check for ten bucks from a class-action settlement against Lifelock. They suck.

  60. Then came Sugarfree, for people who thought Hustler was too tame.

  61. I thought Stoss was eventually going to get to Chicks with Dicks magazine as he worked his way up the smut ladder. Or down it.

  62. Sorry Larry Flynt, but you need subtitles.

    1. I don’t watch Flynt for the subtitles.

  63. James Buchanan was gay? I honest to god have never heard that before.

  64. Eisenbach is one of those guys who sees gays everywhere. He’s the Gore Vidal of our generation.

    1. His last name is the German for “homogaybuttsecks”.

  65. Thus it is proven. Gays will tear the country apart.

  66. This is the least sexy conversation ever.

  67. What did the chicks see in Franklin? Those pics we have of him don’t look very comely.

  68. My god you were right; he DOES see gays everywhere. Eleanor Roosevelt?

    1. Sally Hemmings was a man which makes Jefferson, you guessed it, gay. Everybody knows it. Read the diaries.

  69. “What is your proof?”

    “Ah, everyone knows it.”

  70. I’m amazed he didn’t immediately just claim that Hoover, JFK, and MLK were all gay together.

  71. Can you imagine if someone didn’t care about getting caught? Hoover’s whole scam would have come crashing down.

    “I have you on tape giving blowjobs to tranny Thai prostitutes.”

    “And? I’m the rep from San Francisco, you dumbass.”

  72. Everyone who’s watched Boardwalk Empire knows how corrupt Harding was.

  73. Geez, Mickelson. All we asked you about was the water hazard on the third hole.

  74. What country did the US declare independence from?

    Answer: Honduras

  75. What did Serbian nationalists have against a shitty college alt-rock band?

  76. I thought he didn’t move on the memo because he was having gay sex with Richard Clarke.

    1. Haha, Richard Clarke. Hadn’t thought about him in a long time. Remember the Coalition Provisional Authority? Those were the days.

  77. Uh-oh, don’t let half the “Reason” commenters hear that. They KNOW the Founders were all modern, evangelical christians.

  78. NOTHING GETS CHANGED. Just added.

  79. Does that mean Avatar was bullshit?

    1. Yes, but not just for that reason (no pun intended; drink?).

  80. That was my High School football mascot. Go Fighting Noble Savages!

  81. HD Vision sunglasses! Since, you know, a human doesn’t see in Hi-Def without assistance.

  82. I guess Root is out the door. Sorry, audience. You’ll have to watch 1997 SNL reruns if you want to see Goat Boy.

  83. Why is young Stoss arguing with that convenience store clerk?

  84. So you’re telling me that free-market libertarianism is counter-intuitive, meaning most people will never sign on to it. Thanks.

  85. My wife is from Hong Kong; people make it out to be better than it is. There’s a lot of nice, rich places, but also a lot of poor people and a horrible organized crime problem.

    My wife’s family left due to mafia pressure on her father’s restaurant.

  86. This office is in need of an H.R. department.

  87. No Judge bellowing liberty at me tonight? What’s up with that?

  88. Any “story” on Cain without discussing his views on religion and/or the 1st Amendment (and Islam, which apparently isn’t a religion) is an auto-fail.

    Stossel is such a hack. He’s like some lazy high school student that barely reads up on some subject the night before then gives a 3 minute speech on it for a letter grade in class, and then everyone pats him on the back.

    Yes, it’s true, sometimes Stossel does parrot things that I believe in (Hooray?) but am I supposed to feel reassured by that?

  89. I’d rather have Obama in office then this moron Cain; the former doesn’t pretend he’s a free marker proponent. The only fix to government is to disband it altogether.

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