A Story About Massages Without a Happy Ending
In a new Washington City Paper story, Rend Smith describes the challenges that legitimate D.C. masseuses face in dealing with customers who erroneously expect a happy ending. While businesses can try to communicate they they are not that kind of massage parlor through careful marketing and interior design, Smith notes, the ultimate source of the confusion is laws that criminalize the exchange of hand jobs and other sexual services for money:
Another step that could help, of course, is letting prostitutes work without the threat of arrest, so they wouldn't have to pose as masseuses. Just ask Cyndee Clay, the executive director of Helping Individual Prostitutes Survive, an organization whose "mission is to assist female, male, and transgender individuals engaging in sex work in Washington." Clay says she knows quite a few sex workers providing illegal massage but that "the majority of the individuals we deal with are not coming from trafficking situations," contradicting stereotypes. One is even a licensed massage therapist who's doing "sensual massage" to keep up with her mortgage, she says. "If people could be more explicit about the services they seek or provide the confusion wouldn't exist."
A step that decidedly does not help: "the D.C. Department of Health's stringent licensing process." Although city records show that only 17 businesses have paid the legally required $800 licensing fee, Smith writes, "a Google search…turns up more than 100 massage businesses in D.C.," which "means many of Washington's top spas and hotels are technically providing illegal massage." A spokesman for the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs explains that "we only target problematic places," although all the unlicensed businesses could in theory be shut down.
Joanna Robinson, a "former fundraiser for libertarian causes" who owns Lunar Massage, which offers "non-creepy massage" at two locations in D.C., bristles at the notion that the licensing fee serves a legitimate purpose. "It's creating a legal hurdle for people who want to have a legitimate business," she tells Smith, "and it's doing nothing to curb prostitution."
Last month I noted that the "trafficking situations" to which Cyndee Clay alludes, like the confusion between masseuses and prostitutes, are fostered by the government's insistence that money changes everything when it comes to sex.
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In case you're curious, this is the best song ever about massages, happy endings, and cross-dressing Gulf War vets.
Can't wait for all the 'true' happy-ending stories
-go
Friendly's. That is all.
No one's ever had a happy ending with you, rectal. And they never will.
Nah. That one guy killed himself before she was able to touch him. Happy endings are context dependent, yo.
He still saw her naked, though. Think of the unspeakable horror he experienced in those last few seconds before he blew his head off.
get my coffee, bitch
Something like this?
I wouldn't want to speculate, because that would mean putting horrific images into my head. It's safer to just not think of it at all.
Not enough space to recount them all, but that whole table shower thing IS a pretty sweet deal. Happy ending or not. Worth a visit all in itself.
Poor sugarfree and epi don't have any happy-ending stories 🙁
I know, maybe you can talk about visiting McDonalds' for a happy-meal!
Come on sugarfree, remember you ordered the special sauce and got that sugar high? The satisfaction!
epi, I'll give you your anal massage if you are a good boy today
What the heck is a "table shower"?
I'd guess it's like the washing you get in a Turkish bath. Too bad those places switched from bubble baths; I'd been hoping to crack that institutional market (see link).
By "those places" I meant massage parlors, not hamams.
Darn, messed up my link twice above!
offers "non-creepy massage" at two locations in D.C.
Now if only D.C. would offer non-creepy governance.
I'd prefer mass creepage and non-governance.
an organization whose "mission is to assist female, male, and transgender individuals engaging in sex work in Washington.
Is there a reason they have to specifiy female, male, and transgender? Doesn't that cover everybody? Is there some category they are not helping other than the political class?
Uh, Orion Slave women, Captain Kirk.
You'd be surprised how many people don't mean "everybody" when they say "everybody".
To be fair, "everybody" is about as ambiguous as "Congress shall make no law...", so the confusion is understandable.
Presumably it's because those other guys don't cover all bases.
"[The licensing fee is] creating a legal hurdle for people who want to have a legitimate business,"
Well of course it is. That is pretty much the definition of business licensing fee.
It's not that money changes anything, it's that the government wants to control everything down to when, how and with whom you have sex so they're starting with the aspect that seems icky to most people.
"It's not that money changes anything"
Of course not. That's why prostitutes screw people for free.
Societal fear of prostitution is not that it costs money, but that it costs only money, i.e. is cheap.
An alt-weekly story with a massage/prostitution angle that isn't a scolding defense of the legal status quo?
Clearly, the City Paper isn't a Village Voice paper.
Hmmm...a story about illicit massage parlors on the heels of Wienergate. A coincidence? I think not.
Too soon!
speaking of weiner's wiener, more libertarians want to know about dick instructions than sending your ass photo through the mail.
http://rctlfy.wordpress.com/20.....eir-dicks/
Sure they do, rectal. Sure they do. You keep telling yourself that, and maybe one day it'll come true.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The DC government should be loaded up on a giant spaceship and sent on a mission to the Crab Nebulae.
If you think that's too harsh, go ahead get a traffic ticket in DC and then tell me don't feel the same way after dealing with the blood sucking leeches you'll encounter in just paying your ticket, much less contesting it.
Contesting a ticket in DC? Heh, yeah right.
A spokesman for the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs explains that "we only target problematic places,"
Translation: they're arbirtrarily enforcing the law against those they disfavor.
At least they found an honest spokesman for once.
"those they disfavor" = the ones who refuse the bribery request.
A spokesman for the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs explains that "we only target problematic places," although all the unlicensed businesses could in theory be shut down.
This is a real nice massage parlor you got here. It'd be a real shame if something bad were to happen to it.
This article didn't have a happy ending. I'm sad now.
Release my second chakra!
"non-creepy massage"
It's strange how prohibition creates all these layers of meaning. Because "massage" got co-opted as a covert reference to prostitution, now non-prostitutey massages need to qualify they are not "that kind."
I generally don't like being touched by strangers so I'm not a massage consumer, but I wonder if there is every genuine confusion in the opposite direction, resulting in surprise junk-touching, etc.
Surprise Junk-Touch! -2(5s) +Bonus Fatigue Damage
I would not be at all shocked to learn that there were groping bonuses or somesuch in one of the Grand Theft Autos. You boys and your toys.
Tangentially related: I guess you have no choice but rub n'tug if ladies hate your bits.
I find the "porn for women" picture book series, and the whole idea of women finding more domestically apt men sexually appealing, to be questionable at best. In my taste in porn people fuck, and I believe most women would feel the same way, whether they feel empowered to say it or not.
I might find it attractive that a female likes metal, or guns, or turning wrenches, or gaming, or anything else I might think is interesting, but this doesn't necessarily translate into physical lust for them.
http://xkcd.com/714/
Women, research increasingly shows, are nuanced sexual beings whose arousal depends on context, mood and a whole bunch of things they aren't even aware of.
This will usually get the job done.
"and a whole bunch of things they aren't even aware of."
You mean just about everything?
Well, duh -- sissy comes out of there! Maybe that's why someone above used such a derogatory word for it as "junk".
Well, duh -- sissy comes out of there! Maybe that's why someone above used such a derogatory word for it as "junk".
Surprise Junk Touch was my favorite Japanese third-wave ska band.
"Here's something you never hear a guy say: Stop sucking my dick, or I'll call the police!"
-George Carlin-
Bet she worked all night on that name...
They didn't spend all night on that name...
Oh come on, if you want a massage you hire a massage therapist. If you want a happy ending, you go to the chinks and pay $100 to $300 for the helping hand. 😉
You're paying too much.
Seriously... If Maggie McNeil used to charge $300/hour, $300 for a handjob is highway robbery.
No, there's a creep premium for Mr. Smith.
You can get laid for less than $300, sometimes a lot less. $300 is way high.
The one without the inflatable mattresses?
"...which offers "non-creepy massage" at two locations in D.C."
Since when are happy endings creepy? Jesus, Jacob, what a prude.
In our research, it has been noted that all of the full-service (or "very creepy") massage parlors in the District have been closed by authorities in the past several months. This is not the usual temporary shutdown; the facilities are vacant and awaiting new lessees.
Interestingly, the result appears to be a rise in the number of agencies offering New York-style, outcall-only services--at far greater risk to the ladies in question than the comparatively secure massage parlor. As demand has been dropping and hourly wages appear on the decline, the likelihood of the ladies taking on sketchy clients has increased.
Look for more on this subject in our forthcoming study: Paying for It II: Discounted.
As demand has been dropping and hourly wages appear on the decline, the likelihood of the ladies taking on sketchy clients has increased.
I assume by "sketchy clients" you mean elected officials and high-ranking members of the executive branch.
More along the lines of the Craigslist killer. But, probably some overlap between the two.
Related: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/.....-a-coupon/
People are in prison over this issue, people have had their lives destroyed over this issue; this is a serious issue and is one of the main reasons I am now in Law School instead of practicing massage full-time. I've been "blogging" about this for well over 5 years, and have been basically black-listed by all the major American massage associations for talking about it. If this is a Libertarian website, why is no-one talking about serious Libertarian concerns, like THE MONEY!? Or how about, "Gun Rights for Massage Therapists"? In 2006 I met face to face with MP Tim Barnett of New Zealand (who wrote NZ's decriminalisation of prostitution law) in Berkeley to discuss these issues seriously. New Zealand still does not allow transparent advertising of prostitution, but does allow advertising prostitution under the "prettier" name, "massage". What's a "creepy massage"?
If this is a Libertarian website, why is no-one talking about serious Libertarian concerns, like THE MONEY!? Or how about, "Gun Rights for Massage Therapists"?
We talk about money and gun rights all the time. We also talk about people who claim that failure to grind their particular axe makes us no true libertarians.
A creepy massage is just a very slow one delivered by the hands and knees of the masseur. why they became popular, let alone controversial, I don't know.
"Last month I noted that the "trafficking situations" to which Cyndee Clay alludes, like the confusion between masseuses and prostitutes, are fostered by the government's insistence that money changes everything when it comes to sex."
It would be a fun litigation-baiting experiment to offer free massages with happy endings. Not volunteering, but I expect you female libertarians to step up here.
Sign in window of legitimate massage parlor:
WELCOME TO BOB'S MASSAGES AND TIRES
KEEP PANTS ON
NO CONGRESSMEN
Personally, I would describe a creepy massage as any massage performed by a man or old lady.
I don't find a hot young Asian girl sucking my dick to be the least bit creepy.
You need a licence to offer massage? Is there anything in your bloody country you don't need a licence for? I've been told that you need a licence to cut hair! What's that all about? Land of the free? pfffft !!!!!!
An experienced masseuse has seen it all. What's the difference between massaging this piece of meat and that piece? People are way too uptight, all massages should have happy endings.