Like the nation's leading libertarian politics and culture mag, Reason, lad mag Maxim has decided to go 3D in its latest issue, pasting volumetric images of celebrated tennis non-champion Anna Kournikova over its cover and interior like so many errant service returns:
The sexiest sports star in history has strutted her stuff on the courts of Wimbledon and in the pages of our magazine. She's also become the hottest military pinup since Betty Grable was titillating troops during World War II. In our October issue, Anna talks about working with servicemen overseas, her relationship status, and what it's like to finally be an American girl.
Betty Grable? Sexiest sports star in history? C'mon guys! What about the Press sisters, the Iron Curtain's trailblazing pioneers in weight training, steroid use, and (quite possibly) gender-reassignment surgery? At least Tamara and Irinia Press won fists-the-size-of-canned-hams-ful of Olympic gold for the CCCP in the 1960s before disappearing forever into the rolling fields of Mother Russia after demonstrating the clear superiority of the Soviet system to that of the effete and so-called Free World. The Cold War would have ended like a decade earlier if only Shirley Babashoff and the then-thought-to-be-crybabies U.S. ladies swim team had been able to crush an East German squad more juiced than Mark McGwire's buttocks after visiting a locker-room toilet with Jose Canseco!
If you want to see the truly stunning (and ideologically sexalicious) use of 3D in magazine—and online video—contexts, there's really no alternative (as the Betty Grable of politics, Margaret Thatcher, might put it): You gotta go with Reason's senses-shattering 3D November issue, which comes with its own 3D glasses and reach-out-and-grab-ya charts of outta-control federal spending, debt, and public-sector-employee compensation.
More than that, though, the November ish—on newsstands now, or buy a print subscription for just $20 a year!—offers up no fewer than 14 ways to slash government spending before it ribbonizes the economy like Freddy Krueger on a Halloween-candy-induced bender! We chose to go 3D with this information because we believe the only reason that even more Americans aren't in the streets protesting runaway government spending is that traditional 2D graphics just can't convey the creeping doom that awaits our grandchildren's grandchildren (who will have a tough enough life if the prophecy of Battle for the Planet of the Apes comes to pass and all kids are stuck in a dysfunctional, monopolistic edumication system that consists of John Huston dressed like an Ourangutan lecturing primates of all creeds, colors, and complexions on universal brotherhood). To get the Full Monty of understanding, you need to have the trendlines of federal spending, debt accrual, and super-sized compensation hit you right in the face will all the gruesome, malformed force of a Brett Favre text message.
So boys and girls, sneak into your parents' wallet or purse, get their credit cards and subscribe already. (The complimentary 3D Reason.tv glasses in the November ish will work just fine on the Maxim spreads too, so consider it a twofer.) And when the glasses arrive, you can check out and experience Reason.tv's online 3D Fiscal House of Horrors, including a health warning from former Sen. Mike Gravel (D-Alaska) and the episodes "I Spend on Your Grave!," "Night of the Living Debt!," and "Attack of the Killer Compensation!"
In the meantime, here's our 3D videos in 2D, where they still pack a vomit-inducing punch not seem since George H.W. Bush spewed all over Japanese officials back when we thought we were all going to be working for the Japanese busing tables at the Rainbow Room in Rockefeller Center: