Barack Obama

My Economy the Car

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You may have heard the president's car story:

"And yet, after driving our economy into the ditch, they decided to stand on the side of the road and watch us while we pulled it out of the ditch," Obama said at the Los Angeles event for Sen. Barbara Boxer of California. "They asked, 'Why haven't you pulled it out fast enough?' 'I noticed there's, like, a little scratch there in the fender. Why didn't you do something about that?'"

Now Ricky Sprague extends the metaphor. And when I say he "extends the metaphor," I mean he beats it to death, cuts it into pieces, builds a monster, lets it escape, gathers a mob of peasants, chases it to the old mill, burns the building down, and brings the monster back to life for a series of sequels, some of which also feature Dracula and the Wolf Man. I don't know if it's possible to do justice to this shaggy-dog editorial by just quoting a few excerpts, but I'll try:

More '70s nostalgia

It's as if the economy is one of those "economy" cars that you sometimes get stuck with when you don't pay close attention at the rental agency. And the rental agency is run by the American people. They say to the renters, "Here is your car, the 2010 American Economica, please take care of it."

Then the renters (politicians) say, "Okay, I won't do anything to mess it up."

And then when they take the keys, they wink….

The more responsible people who aren't necessarily affiliated with either of the "major" political parties say things like, "You guys better get the insurance, and don't drive too fast, and take off that blindfold when you're driving." So the democrats and republicans beat those people with a crowbar, and throw them in the trunk of the car.

Then they take turns driving.

They drive the car wherever they feel like it. Open roads. Back roads. Highways. They drive the wrong way down one-way streets. They make left turns on red. When they bother to stop at stoplights, they pull all the way out into the cross walk, so that when you're out running you have to run all the way out into oncoming traffic to get around the front of their car….When the gas gauge indicates "E," if they notice it at all, they laugh and say, "This car's got another good 10,000 miles in it, easy!"

Then they all get drunk for awhile….

Finally they decide they need to get gas. But while the gas tank was half full, they passed a bunch of regulations concerning the locations of gas stations. They didn't want a bunch of gas stations to mar the scenery while they were driving around. So now there aren't any around when they really, really need one. So then they start campaigning against the gas stations. They're too greedy, they say. Gas station companies aren't building in locations that are convenient for people. Gas stations are hoarding their money. Also, they're not hiring fast enough. So they pass more regulations about where gas stations can be built, and then they mandate that at least 30 new gas stations have to be built before the car needs to stop for gas again. And they want to oversee how those stations are built, so, without even stopping the car, they take their hands off the wheel and start sending text messages to regulators….

Oh, just read the whole thing. He even managed to put a mosque in it.

NEXT: Breaking: Philip Larkin Can Go Fuck Off!

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  1. ACCCK! Couldn’t pass up a bit more Mosquerbation!!!!!

  2. he beats it to death, cuts it into pieces, builds a monster

    Do you mean this?

  3. I mean he beats it to death, cuts it into pieces, builds a monster, lets it escape, gathers a mob of peasants, chases it to the old mill, burns the building down, and brings the monster back to life for a series of sequels, some of which also feature Dracula and the Wolf Man.

    Did Abbot and Costello turn him down?

  4. That guy should be beaten with a tire iron.

  5. Obama, Pelsoi, and Reid did indeed get the car out of the ditch. The problem is they then parked it under a bridge, stripped out all of the parts, and put it up on concrete blocks.

  6. Keep it simple:

    Republicans drove the car straight into a deep ditch. Democrats then slashed the tires, smashed the headlights and covered it in cement while shipping the tire chains overseas.

  7. More simply put: The economy (or even the country) was headed off a cliff. But instead of turning the wheel Obama and the Dems stepped on the gas.

    1. Thelma and Louise–the official movie of this government.

  8. On a related note, one of my rules of life is:

    All rental cars are off-road vehicles

    1. You know what really fucks with people in places where car value determines right of way (care less, go first)? Rental cars. When I was working in Costa Rica, the Ticos were slightly thrown off by the late model Toyota that didn’t give a shit.

      However, they are a beautiful, friendly, and adaptable people; so the worst it ever came to was a little extra horn honking.

    2. Don’t forget that with a rental car you don’t need to buy one of those cheap styrofoam coolers, because the trunk on the rental is just one huge cooler. Throw your beer and ice in and let it naturally drip out.

    3. No skis take rocks like rental skis.

  9. President Autofellate sure loves lazy metaphors, doesn’t he?

  10. What a great rant.

  11. And don’t forget you can’t change the oil because that wouldn’t be environmetnally friendly.

  12. Grandpa: Why don’t we let Homer tell the story.
    Homer: Really, me? You mean it?
    Grandpa: I think you’re ready for your first ramble.
    Homer: I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. The year is 1946, and in a world torn, a single flower blooms and that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla. How am I doing dad?
    Grandpa: I’m hanging on every word.

  13. Meanwhile, there’s stuff falling off the car. And it’s not just stuff you don’t need, like hubcaps and rear view mirrors. I’m talking about the radiator (I don’t know much about cars. If it were up to me, this would be a metaphor about comic books or French enema fiction. That is stuff I know about. But it’s Obama’s metaphor so I have to do the best I can).

    Sums up my automotive knowledge pretty well.

  14. “And yet, after driving our economy into the ditch, they decided to stand on the side of the road and watch us while we pulled it out of the ditch,”

    That is pure, unadulterated bullshit.

    Obama can’t prove that any Bush policy had anything whatsoever to do with causing the recession and he most certainly can’t prove that anything he has done has had any net positive effect whatsoever on the economy.

    1. Gilbert Martin|8.19.10 @ 11:04AM|#

      “Obama can’t prove that any Bush policy had anything whatsoever to do with causing the recession and he most certainly can’t prove that anything he has done has had any net positive effect whatsoever on the economy.”

      Doesn’t matter; Obama and Pelosi ran out of THE CHILDRUN! metaphors, so this will just have to do.

      1. That schtick (the children) never gets old. It will be back with a vengenace come November. And speaking of old, don’t even get me started on what the repubs and the heartless, simpleton libertarian-teabagger nazis want to do to the old people.

        1. “Bush policy had anything whatsoever to do with causing the recession ”

          Bush policies certainly didn’t help. He was still out there encourgaing the housing boom, and he certainly wasn’t asking the Feds to raise interest rates.

  15. Seeing as the recession started during Bush’s presidency he gets to share a large piece of the blame. Not to mention the fact that the first bailout was signed by him. Like the metaphor was saying the Rs and Ds both helped destroy our economy.

    1. That was supposed to be a reply to gilbert…

    2. And what was Obama doing when the recession started? Didn’t he have some sort of job with government that may have had an affect on the economy?

      1. Attributing some of the blame to Bush isn’t saying Obama isn’t to blame either. What is with you morons who can’t understand this concept.

      2. What part of blaming both parties don’t you understand?

    3. Bush did plenty of things wrong (like Medicare part D and other excessive govt spending) but creating the recession wasn’t one of them.

      The real estate asset bubble was at the heart of the recession and that was due to federal reserve monetary policy , Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and a number of other factors were not part of an Bush administration policy.

      1. “federal reserve monetary policy , Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and a number of other factors were not part of an Bush administration policy.”

        You’re kidding right?

        1. Why would I be kidding?

          Do you think Bush controlled the Federal Reserve Board?

          Do you think Bush created Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Do you think Bush was the one standing in the way of trying to reign them in? Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and Obama himself were the ones blocking any attempts to do something about those institutions.

          1. Actually it is pretty clear that Bush put pressure on the Fed to lower interest rates and flood the economy with easy credit to overcome the effects of massive borrowing by the federal government.

  16. If we had a media, it would ask Obama, the next time he says this (and he’s said something like it numerous times):

    “Sir, we’ve heard you say the previous administration drove the American economy into a ditch. Can you give us specifics? Has your economic team pinpointed the precise actions or implemented policies of the President himself (not Congress) which led to the recession? And have you been able to separate these actions from those of Congress? Wouldn’t it be important for future generations of Americans to understand precisely which actions by the President and his administration led to a catastrophic fall-off in economic growth and a collapse in asset values?”

    1. And then he would answer them with something about Bush’s laissez faire administration and deregulation and the reporter would smile and nod and ask how Michelle enjoyed her trip to Spain.

  17. I like it.

    I don’t know much about cars. If it were up to me, this would be a metaphor about comic books or French enema fiction.

    Friend of yours, Sugarfree?

    1. We may have met at a French enema fiction convention, but I wouldn’t know him well enough to call him “friend.”

  18. The writing on that car reminds me of Super Dave Osborne for some reason.

  19. Did you see the video?

    Obama is never more annoying than when he does his shuck and jive persona.

    ‘Well, gaawly, I’m jus’ standin’ around here at the general store laughin’ it up over the cracker barrel, talkin’ good sense with my ass hole buddies about those pencil neck Republican geeks who wouldn’t know their asses from a hole in the ground and how much better if our dang leaders had any kid of common sense. You know what’s the difference between an asshole and an opin-yun? Everybody has got one. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.’

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