Jolly Rancher Earns Third-Grade Girl a Week of Detention


In 2008, I blogged about limey lunch ladies vetting food from home for nutritional content in the U.K., and confiscating unacceptable lunches. The trend has now reached our shores, with a Texas third-grader receiving a week of detention for possession of a Jolly Rancher candy at lunchtime:

Leighann Adair, 10, was eating lunch Monday when a teacher confiscated the candy. Her parents said she was in tears when she arrived home later that afternoon and handed them the detention notice.

Jack Ellis, the superintendent for Brazos Independent School District… said the school was abiding by a state guideline that banned "minimal nutrition" foods….

Ellis said failing to adhere to the state's guidelines could put federal funding in jeopardy.

If her lunch included this kind of Jolly Rancher, there might have been grounds for detention:

And of course, lunches provided by the school can be far worse than a little piece of hard candy:

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  1. One rarely hears about incidents like this in inner-city schools.

  2. Man I just love Jolly Ranchers. All kids should be equipped with them!


    1. You’re so weird, anonymity bot.

  3. We used to get in trouble for fighting.

  4. Detention…hell! I’d keep her home for the entire week.

  5. Ellis said failing to adhere to the state’s guidelines could put federal funding in jeopardy.

    Alright, I had to Google that, because I could not believe that state or federal guidelines would cover what a kid brings to school.

    And I was right. They don’t – the ban on “foods of minimal nutritional value” is a ban on schools selling, serving, or providing access to FMNV.

    Superintendent Ellis is a jackbooted illiterate.

    1. she could have shared it.

    2. Oh it’s even worse than that:

      According to the Texas Department of Agriculture’s website, “The Texas Public School Nutrition Policy (TPSNP) explicitly states that it does not restrict what foods or beverages parents may provide for their own children’s consumption.”

      Brazos Elementary Principal Jeanne Young, said the problem, in this instance, was that the candy was provided by another student ? not the girl’s parents.

      Fucking unreal.

      1. What happened to the lowlife candy pusher?! 5-10 Mandatory, I hope!

        1. We gotta nip this in the bud!

  6. During the beginning of the War on Smoking I was darkly warning that this was where we were going. Three or four years ago I’d have been up in arms over this story.

    Now I just shrug and do my morning calisthenics along with the rest of Oceana.

    1. A man of your age should be able to easily touch his toes.

      1. With his hands, not his balls.

  7. did anyone at that school look at the crap they are feeding the kids at the school: (corn chip pie sounds utterly nutrious) http://www.brazosisd.net/BES Lunch/Elem Menu April 10.pdf

    1. I could understand crust made of corn chips, but it better not be the filling!

      Heinlein had the crazy years ending decades ago. Such an optimist!

      1. You’ve never had Frito pie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frito_pie)?

        Nectar of the gods.

        1. You betcha!

    2. That’s the only fucking meal that Texans are able to comprehend as food, apparently.

  8. So not only do parents not teach their children, they can’t feed them either?

    If you send your kid to public school, you are a moron.

    1. The Jolly Rancher in question was provided by a candy pusher at the school, not the parents.

      1. I hope they grilled the multi-purpose-room-level dealer here to get to the Jolly Rancher kingpin.

        1. We have to protect the kids from the toxic substances commonly mixed in with your cheap low-nutrition snacks. There have been reports of Starbursts cut with eraser shavings and popcorn being diluted with buttered styrofoam.

      2. Then the kid is a moron for telling the teacher that. “My mommy gave me this Jolly Rancher, not Joey. She said it was evil flavored.”

        1. Then the kid is a moron for telling the teacher that.

          That’s a bit harsh. I mean, even for a public school, getting suspended for having a piece of candy is so fucking stupid it’s almost beyond comprehension. Also, the girl’s only 10, and she probably never met the principal before. She must have thought she was dealing with someone rational.

      3. “Candy pusher”? I hope that’s a joke, or else you’re at Dan T levels of loathsomeness.

        1. Monkey see, monkey do. Not in a racist way.

      4. Michelle Obama’s food snitches are everywhere now!

    2. Parents can feed their children, the Principal is, as was pointed out above, an illiterate moron.

  9. Katherine, you stupid cunt, stop this silly search for material to confirm your little libertarian biases and get a fucking life.

    1. Edward got a sex change?!?

      1. Too bad it didn’t die on the table.

      2. “Hey, I fucked your dad.”

        1. No one saw Family Guy last night?

        2. Yeah, it definitely made up for the horrible episode before it.

          Have you noticed that Brian seems to be tortured on a regular basis these days?

      3. I’ve had 2 sex changes.

    2. The honest country clergyman was shocked beyond all immediate power of recovering himself?so shocked, in fact, that Old Hurricane, fearing he had gone too far, hastened to say:

      “But mind, on my truth as a man, my honor as a soldier, and my faith as a Christian, I declare that that wild, reckless, desolate child has passed unscathed through the terrible ordeal of destitution, poverty and exposure. She has, sir! She is as innocent as the most daintily sheltered young heiress in the country! She is, sir! And I’d cut off the tongue and ears of any man that said otherwise.”

      “I do not say otherwise, my friend; but I say that she has suffered a frightful series of perils.”

    3. *barf*

  10. Hey guys, Check out this new political forum / website!


  11. when does the argument against this nonsense stop being a slippery slope?

    1. Here in Texas, we know that Jolly Ranchers are a gateway drug:


  12. This is blatant homophobia.

  13. Thank goodness Leighann Adair didn’t show the teacher her Happy Meal coupon.

    She probably would have been flogged.

  14. It’s not slippery and it isn’t a slope anymore.

    It is a now a cliff andwe are falling in to a bottomless pit of statism where everything is done for your own good and also for the children.

    Because they know better then you. Also, you’re a racist if you speak out against any of what we tell you to do.

  15. WTA (Welcome to Amerika)

  16. I have a solution. It won’t be popular.

    1) Don’t have more kids than you can afford.

    2) Don’t spend your cash on stupid shit or houses or cars you can’t afford.

    3) Take your kids out of retarded school districts such as the one cited here and home-school them or send them to a private school, if you really care about them.

  17. Candy, for children… is contraband? That’s just hilarious. They took candy from a little girl and made her cry? Is this real?

    The next time Balko does some nut-kicking, I can think of this story and recognize the comedy in the absurdity of our wacky modern world. It’s a joke. It’s all a fucking joke.

    1. Stealing candy from babies.

      Yeah, we knew we’d get there, but so soon?

  18. But is it still ok for her to smoke her medical marijuana on campus?

    1. Whats the point without some candy to munch-out on?

    2. In Texas? I would say not.

  19. So much infuriation in the article:

    The state, however, gives each school discretion over how to enforce the policy. Ellis said school officials had decided a stricter punishment was necessary after lesser penalties failed to serve as a deterrent.

    So much for the “we were forced to do this by the state” defense. If they thought the policy was stupid (which it is) they could have kept the minimal punishment regime.

    The girl’s mother said the incident has taught her daughter a lesson, but not the one her teachers intended.

    “I told her, ‘Leighann, unfortunately you’re learning very young that life’s not fair,'” Brazda said.

    Life isn’t fair, correct. However, this is not a case of life not being fair — it’s a case of mindless bureaucrats being idiots. There is a difference.

    1. I wouldn’t call the bureaucrats idiots; I’d call them capriciously evil.

  20. the candy was provided by another student ? not the girl’s parents.

    The principal needs to apply some serious leverage, and flip this other student, and use her to gain access to the criminal masterminds behind this vast candy distribution mob. If we can save a single child, this mayhem and destruction will all have been justified.

  21. There’s an update:

    In a letter to the school system Friday, the Texas Department of Agriculture wrote, “This particular incidence of candy possession as it has been reported by KHOU-TV would not be considered a violation of the state or federal nutrition program and therefore would not have jeopardized your district’s food service funding.”

    1. “…however, your ridiculous overreaction has jeopardized that funding, so you better start holding bake sales pronto bitches, since you’re never seeing another dime from us.”

      OK, maybe I just dreamt that part.

  22. “minimal nutrition”

    Says the state.

    My response to being scolded for shit like this usually earned punishments worse than detentions. And I’m proud of it.

  23. “Ellis said failing to adhere to the state’s guidelines could put federal funding in jeopardy.”

    Oh yeah, because, funding is all that really matters. And what the hell does federal funding have to do with state guidelines?

  24. Often I think 2010 isn’t all that different from how I remember 1980, and then shit like this comes along. “Minimal nutrition” foods? Are you fucking kidding me?

  25. I guess this means they’ve finally found a solution to all those gum-chewing kids in class.

    … Hobbit

  26. I’d like to know the physiological makeup of an adult that would perpetrate this on a 10 year old child. Even if the rule was as the teacher thought, what kind of person would enforce it under such ridiculous circumstances (or any circumstances for that matter). These are the kind of people that are supposed to be molding the minds of our youth? The future really is fucked.

    1. “Leighann, when I was your age I myself indulged in Jolly Ranchers. Actually, it might have been SweeTarts or maybe even Pixie Stix. I forget, since it was long before you were born. Anyway, that shit – pardon my French – that stuff just about ruined my life. The cavities, the sores in my mouth, the diarrhea. I know this is tough for you to hear, but I hope one day you’ll understand how much this detention is really helping you. And I hope you’ll tell your Mommy that unless she withdraws the lawsuit she’ll get countersued like there’s no tomorrow. My hands are simply tied about this.”

      1. I don’t understand your pain and I really don’t give a shit. Besides, you are not telling the whole story….are you? Something more happened in your life that led you into the deep dark depths of sugar addiction. Maybe that’s the problem, you never got the sugar monkey off of your back and you took my stash for yourself.
        My mommy realizes that the school district has lawyers on staff with nothing better to do than file endless motions and drag the case out until we are out of money. She is going to try and get a grant from DARE. She is telling them that it is “for the children”.

  27. Tell me it wasn’t watermelon Jolly Ranchers. Those are the best ever. Swiping those from a little kid is criminal.

    1. What part of “minimally nutritional” do you not comprehend?

  28. Dig this exchange:

    Not surprised.

    And they’re trying to stamp out home schooling and not giving vouchers for private schools in order to force your children into these breeding grounds of idiocy.

    – crimsonaviatorUS May 10, 2010 6:14PM

    Right, so you want to have your own personal breeding ground of idiocy, beyond the reach of criticism or common sense? Public education is all that stands between society and the jungle. This example of thoughtless, kneejerk reactionism shows the need for MORE public education, not less.


    1. That…doesn’t make sense. The only knee-jerk reactionism was the moronic teacher, not coincidentally of the public education system.

      1. Of course it doesn’t make sense, but the comment in bold print was by someone who defends public education no matter what happens.

  29. Next year Texas textbooks will no longer cover Thomas Jefferson (that letter to Baptists about a wall), claim no native Texians defended the Alamo (there were four but they had Spanish names), and science is considered satanic to varying degrees (physics less so, geology totally). Yet because Texas is the largest buyer, they dictate what publishers can sell to the rest of the country.

    If you are in District 9 SBOE, vote for me in November. If not, PayPal hippogriffpub@yahoo.com, PCardwell, $1,000 maximum, from real live humans only (Greens put money where their mouth is on corporate control of elections).

  30. the reason reps comments were patently absurd. she said something like “corporations want to give us better food but government interference is an obstacle.” and “fresh food does not equal healthy food…you can just eat a healthy microwave dinner.”

    this shit is just absurd. corporations want to give us healthier foods? they make the biggest profits by getting us hooked on cheap, high saturated fat, high sodium, high sugar foods. all corporations care about is the profit margin, health is immaterial. the government makes them print their obscene caloric information and they balk endlessly at that.

    and microwaved food is healthy? there is no correlation between a foods freshness and it’s nutritional value? are you fucking kidding me? you people consider yourselves rational and reasonable and scientific?

    1. all corporations care about is the profit margin, health is immaterial

      Ever heard of Whole Foods. They’re an eeeeeevil corporation too.

  31. No surprise this is in Texas. Everything’s tougher in Texas, even the guys they kill each week in Huntsville just had 1 crime witness

  32. Jolly Ranchers=Gateway Drug. Should have tased her and shot her dog after the no-knock raid of her bookbag.

  33. Wow, I remember all the way back to junior high, the school itself sold candy along with cheap sodas and hot dogs during field days and other outside events. And I’d always buy a ton of grape, lemon and cherry JR’s. That was all the way back in.. 1990.

    And I was the fattest in my life at that point, but it wasnt from school lunches, which were often too gross to eat. I’m guessing it was hormones and junk in the food my family was buying because we all have been either overweight or fighting hard to stay in shape ever since then

  34. Hubby and I have decided I’m staying home with the kids. They need parents, not zookeepers.

    After the daycare debacle this morning, I’m willing to sacrifice a lifetime of vacations and dinners out in order to keep my daughter safe from the predations of incompetent teachers and aggressive children.

    The career is damned anyway. Homeschool is the way I am going. Classical Latin education. And no one can tell me I’m not qualified; my state says I am qualified to teach 130+ students in a single year.

    Blind rule enforcement like this speaks volumes about the reasons why children cannot think critically or make decisions. They have no models of sane adults applying logic and common sense to trivial or consequential matters.

    1. +10,000,000,000,000,000,000

  35. Greens put money where their mouth is on corporate control of elections


  36. Round of applause for Madbiker. You go, girl.

  37. This is what happens when you live in paradise. Seriously. About 150 years ago, we didn’t have the germ theory of disease, few effective medicinces, no electricity or cars, steam power was still a developing technology. Life was only marginally different than it had been for the past 10,000 years.

    We live in one of the most prosperous, advanced societies in an age of such technological and medical wonder that it would barely be comprehensible to men of Lincoln’s generation.

    Famine and freezing to death were every day concerns.

    And back then, it was generally considered one’s own responsibility not to starve or freeze.

    Now, we have so much, so little to worry about, apparently, that the state thinks its justified in monitoring contraband candy.

  38. I can see the secession placards now: “Faith, Guns, and Jolly Ranchers!” Would now be a good time to invest in Jolly Ranchers stock? 😉

  39. Jolly Rancher’s parent Hershey stock is up today…

  40. This marks the 10,000th day in a row that I’ve seen a story that makes me wish we could sell Texas back to Mexico for a dollar. The median IQ of the US would immediately improve by 5 points.

  41. I’m sure FOX will continue to provide us with Fair And Balanced coverage of the events, and maybe even what flavor Jolly Rancher it was.

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