Who Will Watch the Lunchboxes?

Bullies have long robbed the slow fat kids of their lunches and/or lunch money in schoolyards worldwide. But, in a new twist on that age old model, lunch ladies will soon be charged with plucking brown bags from the hands of the fatties if their contents don't meet government-approved standards in the U.K.

The Daily Mail reports:

If a packed lunch is deemed to contain too much fat and sugar, parents could be sent warning letters or their children's meals confiscated....

Under the Government's obesity strategy, all schools will be expected to design a "healthy lunchbox policy" on what makes a nutritional packed lunch over the next year.

Every kid is scared of the archetypal lunch lady, with her hairnet and orthopedic shoes. But this takes things to a whole new level. I'm guessing that the tasty lunch shown above will be off-limits, for example, and not just because of the beer. (Note: clicking through to this recipe for the deep fried cheese-stuffed all-bacon cheeseburger with fried jalapenos may result in adverse health outcomes)

Via CCF

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  • ||

    lunchstealer,

    If you are looking for a career change, this seems like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...

  • Taktix®||

    I guess it's better that children go hungry than eat something that, over a long period of time, may or may not be harmful.

    There's still room for a hermit's life in Australia, right?

  • thoreau||

    Smacky beat me to the punch.

    OK, guys, with that out of the way, go ahead and have a slugfest over, I dunno, something.

  • lunchstealer||

    Hey, I have honor. I don't take lunches from fatties. Well, not for their own good anyway. I will, however, scan their lunches for high levels of deliciousness, and confiscate accordingly.

    Don't worry, I'm from the government. I'm here to help.

  • ||

    This just sounds so comically British I can't get upset about it.

  • lunchstealer||

    On an interesting sidenote, Mrs. Lunchstealer did get me a bacon cookbook for Christmas. It didn't have my recipe for bacon cake, however, so there's still hope for my bacon-confectionery cookbook idea.

  • ||

    Though we all know that this new policy is evil... evil evil!!... ummm, will it work? Will bullying children and their parents into healthier eating habits create a more healthy society in the long run?

  • M||

    Have we learned what happens to the confiscated contraband?

  • ||

    Could the rise in childhood obesity actually be linked to the lack of bullies stealing lunch money? Rather than one fat bully (a self-limiting condition) we now have a bunch of pampered fatties.

    The Law Of Unintended Consequences Held Sway Over Them All.

  • ||

    Healthy food suggestions from the article:

    "falafel and houmous pitta bread with a tomato and avocado salad, followed by fruit yoghurt."

    First of all, do they really spell like that? Nutters.

    Second, when was the UK annexed by the middle east?

  • Peter||

    I can see this happening in Bloomberg's New York.

  • ||

    Whenever I feel sad or depressed at the state of the USA and the direction it is heading, I can always rely on the UK to show me that "Oh Yes, things can definitely be much much worse"

    Fucking bunch o'wankers in the UK

  • ||

    What happened to the English? They use to be models of classic liberalism. They use to pride themselves on how not-part-of-Europe they were. And above all, they use to eat the most godawful cuisine in the industrialized world.

    Next thing you'll tell me, is they find certain sexual fetishes unseemly in polite society.

  • ||

    Does this mean that yon wee lads in Scotland canna bring in the noble haggis for lunch? Aye, 'tis a sad day, indeed. First the swords, now the haggis.

  • Rhywun||

    I suppose the lunchlady union is relishing the thought of quintupling their numbers in order to handle this necessity.

  • ||

    The battle of the Waistline was won on in the lunchroom of Eton.

  • thoreau||

    If a packed lunch is deemed to contain too much fat and sugar, parents could be sent warning letters or their children's meals confiscated.

    I thought that British schoolmasters instructed their pupils to first eat their meat and then have pudding. What's happened?

    And check out these proposed lunches:

    These include falafel and houmous pitta bread with a tomato and avocado salad, followed by fruit yoghurt.

    OMG! Dhimmitude!

    ;)

  • Taktix®||

    lunchstealer,

    Just remember, bacon becomes a "sweet" when fried with brown sugar...

  • ||

    When UK citizens finally get fed up with this nonsense we'll be able to see the explosions from the top of the Space Needle.

    Also, it seems that the British government desperately wants to make traditional British food illegal. Me, I like my Yorkshire pudding.

  • ||

    Will bullying children and their parents into healthier eating habits create a more healthy society in the long run?

    Since a health society is one in which no one is bullied "for their own good", I would say no.

  • ||

    Will they only check the lunches of fat kids and what will the BMI cutoff be?

    One of these days, revolution. One of these days.

  • Fluffy||

    We laugh now, but this is coming to the US at full speed.

    I sometimes wonder if my kid will be able to make it through school without going to juvie.

    "Daddy, Daddy, the lunchlady stole my lunch today."

    "Well, Fluffy Jr., if she tries that again just pick up a chair and clunk her with it."

    "OK, Dad." [Beaming.] "You always know what to do!"

  • Episiarch||

    Bullies have long robbed the slow fat kids of their lunches and/or lunch money in schoolyards worldwide.

    See, bullying is healthy. If you're too fat to escape the bully, your calorie consumption automatically goes down. Why do these education nazis have to fuck with nature? Why?

    I just want to verify one thing. The UK school system is saying that parents who take the time and effort to make lunch for their kids may be told that what they chose to provide to their children is not acceptable? This is funny because it's so surreal.

  • ||

    The solution is so obvious. Cigarette smoking promotes weight loss. Just make sure a pack of Cravens is included in each kiddies lunch box. With one stroke, revenue enhancement AND weight reduction.

    Why do I have to do all of the thinking around here?

  • Brandybuck||

    Does the accompanying photo imply that British schoolchildren drink Shiner Bock? At least they're not drinking Watney's Bloody Red Barrel!

  • ||

    Taktix®,

    Here's a great how-to on making Pig Candy (Brown Sugar Caramelized Bacon). Baking is the easier way to go than frying.

    And these guys have a great Bacon chocolate bar. I brought six back from NYC last time. It was the same trip where I tried bacon vodka.

  • ||

    Geez, where to start...

    Well, first, I think simply reading about the "deep fried cheese-stuffed all-bacon cheeseburger with fried jalapenos" almost made me lose the lunch I was just returning from...

    Every kid is scared of the archetypal lunch lady, with her hairnet and orthopedic shoes.



    That's so true! Talk about bringing back memories... In grade school there was nobody more feared than the lunch lady - not your teacher, the playground monitors, the nurse, not even the principal himself. None of them could strike fear into the hearts of a third-grader the way the disapproving glance of the lunch lady could. And if you dared to ask for extra little smokies with your mac & cheese, well, it was a mistake you only made once.

    This just sounds so comically British I can't get upset about it.

    Heh. It is somewhat amusing how UK regulations have become a self-parody. You could imagine a Monty Python sketch along these lines being seen as absurd not all that many years ago. But yes, this was so comically British that if we were playing something kind of like the game "Germany or Florida" this would have been an easy win. Speaking of that, maybe we could come up with something similar for silly nanny-statism stories where you get the details and then have to decide if it's England or California.

  • ||

    I'd like to think that American parents would revolt over something like this.

    I'm not sure whether I'm more worried about the lunchmonitoring or the fact that I'm not sure how parents are going to react.

    hrmph. Back to the 'cotin.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Hmm. I predicted something like this on another thread, except I thought they'd give the confiscated lunches to poor kids. 2 birds, 1 stone, and all that.

  • ||

    Fuckin' limeys.

  • ||

    I wrote the following several years ago ... in the late 1990s, I think:
    ---------------------------------
    [Gloria] disembarked at the Federal Grocery Dispersal Station nearest her home. The right to adequate nutrition was guaranteed by the State, of course. Each citizen was issued weekly ration stamps, sufficient to buy an adequate amount of healthy food as determined by the Food and Drug Administration ...

    After waiting patiently in various lines, Gloria received all her selections and made for the checkout counter. A bored clerk zipped a laser-wand over the bar codes on each item, tallying not only the cost of Gloria's purchases but also their nutritional content.

    Gloria was informed that under FDA regulations, her choice of foods was illegal. "You've got too much too much fat here, and not enough fiber or vitamin C," the clerk told her. "Substitute fruit for some of this meat, and I can pass you."

    Gloria was chagrined, yet grateful-she was no nutrition expert, and it was good of the State to look after her needs. She returned a package of hot dogs to the meat counter, and rejoined the end of the checkout line with a couple of oranges ...
    --------------------------------

    That was intended as an over-the-top satire of the nanny state.

    (BTW, that deep-fried battered ground bacon patty with cheese sounds delicious.)

  • ||

    "this recipe for the deep fried cheese-stuffed all-bacon cheeseburger with fried jalapenos"

    It's the twisted John-Waters style of humor in H&R that keeps me coming back for more.

  • ||

    And these guys have a great Bacon chocolate bar.

    Sounds good, and it reminds me that nobody beats the bacon maple bar at Voodoo Doughnut in Portland. Also popular specialties (among many others) include the "Butter Fingering"
    (Devils food, vanilla, and crushed Butterfinger) and the "Dirty Snowball"
    (chocolate cake doughnut covered with pink marshmallow glaze and surprise filling). It really is a must-see if you're ever in town. Besides, where else can you also get a Nyquil glazed Pepto-Bismol doughnut and free Swahili lessons in one place? And, should you for some reason or another find yourself with a case of the late night munchies, it's open all night every night.

    Ron Baileyesque disclaimer: I have no stake, financially or otherwise, in Voodoo Donught whatsoever other than wanting to see it stay in business so I can go there once in a while.

  • ||

    They should put the lunch boxes on a conveyor belt moving at about 4 mph. You have to catch your food before you can eat. If you're too fat to run fast enough, a can of slimfast is your consolation prise.

  • lunchstealer||

    Sugarfree - I see a delicious bacontini made from that bacon vodka. Garnished with bacon, of course.

  • Gilbert Martin||

    "They should put the lunch boxes on a conveyor belt moving at about 4 mph. You have to catch your food before you can eat. If you're too fat to run fast enough, a can of slimfast is your consolation prise."

    If you want them to run, you'll have to make it faster than that. 4mph is just a brisk walking pace.

  • ||

    "Whenever I feel sad or depressed at the state of the USA and the direction it is heading, I can always rely on the UK to show me that "Oh Yes, things can definitely be much much worse"

    Living in the UK for 15 years is one of the reasons I find it so difficult to ever vote for a Democrat. The UK today is what the US would be if the Democrats had their way.

  • ||

    If you want them to run, you'll have to make it faster than that. 4mph is just a brisk walking pace.
    Not if you are a twelve year old with short legs.

  • ||

    There's still room for a hermit's life in Australia, right?



    Nope. All reports I hear indicate the Nanny State is as pervasive there as anywhere.

  • Neu Mejican||

    I will comment that your new talking ipod ad is the most annoying ad I have ever run across on any website.

    Most.
    Annoying.
    Ever.

  • ||

    That was intended as an over-the-top satire of the nanny state.


    Shut up, Stevo. You're giving them ideas.

  • dr_dog||

    Surely the EU has some office for complaints of cultural discrimination? Time for someone to make the case that keeping haggis out of the bairns' mouths is comparable to the historical suppression of the Scots language.

  • ||

    Obligatory Link to F. Paul Wilson's "Lipidleggin.'"

  • Lost in Paradise||

    We have a lot of problems in my SE Asian 3rd World home, but our government is too busy soliciting bribes to waste their time with this kind of nonprofitable activity. This makes us safe for now.

    It looks like Britain might soon be a less pleasant place to live then here. Do you resident Americans plan on following them down the drain?

  • economist||

    This has already been happening in America for years! 8 years ago I brought a coca-cola to school in my lunch and the goddamn lunch monitor took confiscated it.
    Just a side note: She was a fat sow.

  • Mr. Singularity||

    Yeah, that's Shiner...those kids must like Texas beer. Heh, I do too.

  • ||

    This article gets it all backwards. The fat kid was the bully. Especially the fat kid that rode the short bus. The kid that has a 190 to 85 weight advantage wins the fight in middle school. The fat kid needs to steal to get enough calories. The small kids are the targets.

    What that has to do with the real purpose of the article I don't know. I can't get worked up about "the nanny state," when the people doing the nannying are actually nannys. If parents can yank a twinkie out of their kid's hands and hand them an apple, their surrogates in the school lunch room can do the same thing.

  • ||

    lunchstealer,

    I've made the linked recipe. The bacontini is great, but we used Lillet Blanc in lieu of vermouth and the citrus tones didn't really jibe. The next round (steeping as we speak) will be with run of the mill vermouth.

    The bacon vodka also makes a fantastic Bloody Mary, although go easy on the celery salt (the bodka is already quite salty).

    Pepper vodka, citrus vodka, and limoncello are all super easy to make at home.

  • ||

    This is good news for America. The more insane bureaucrats oppress the British people, the more of them will emigrate to the United States, leaving behind the dregs who will put up with this kind of bullshit.

    -jcr

  • ||

    " 8 years ago I brought a coca-cola to school in my lunch and the goddamn lunch monitor took confiscated it."

    You filed charges, I hope?

    Back when I was in high school, a certain school administrator attempted to prevent me from leaving the school grounds at lunchtime, *after* I had turned 18. I walked past him, he grabbed my arm, and I explained to him that if he didn't immediately release me, I would swear out an assault complaint. I ended by saying "now, let go of my arm, or you will explain to a judge why you feel entitled to touch me without my consent."

    As it happens, those were the last words that ever passed between us. He avoided me after that.

    -jcr

  • ||

    "If parents can yank a twinkie out of their kid's hands and hand them an apple, their surrogates in the school lunch room can do the same thing."

    The issue is that if the parents *don't* do that, it's not the prerogative of the school to override them and veto the kid's lunch.

    -jcr

  • ||

    "What happened to the English? They use to be models of classic liberalism."

    The best and the brightest of them streamed across the Atlantic more or less continuously since 1607.

    -jcr

  • ||

    If parents can yank a twinkie out of their kid's hands and hand them an apple, their surrogates in the school lunch room can do the same thing.

    So the principal here is, if parents can do X to or with their kids, then anyone employed by the school district can also do X to or with their kids?

    I seriously doubt you want to go down that road.

  • ||

    What? No more hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders navy beans, navy beans..MEATLOAF SANDWICH?

    And what about the slop sloppy joes?

    Is nothing sacred?

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