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TSA Worker's Penis Measures Less Than 3.4 Ounces, So He Can Carry It On…

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As noted briefly in today's Morning Links, the super-duper full-body scans introduced by the Transporation Security Administration have bagged their first scalp. Unfortunately, the X-Ray Vision machines not dreamed of since the Johnson Smith Novelty catalog stopped publishing didn't catch a real-life terrorist packing a rectal bomb or even a grandmother with an iron pelvis.

As The Smoking Gun documents, so far the biggest fish caught is a TSA screener with a catch-and-release-sized penis who flew into a rage as co-workers taunted him about his manifest shortcomings:

A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines–the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler–when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him."

Can the TSA partner with advertisers? As full-body scans spread around the nation's airports like so much herpes, I'm thinking TSA can get some extra cash by partnering with ExtenZe or some other such enhancement product.

Get the 411 on TSA's 3-1-1! And if that copy of the Bill of Rights you're carrying weighs more than 3.4 ounces, I'm afraid you're going to have to check it.

NEXT: We Are Out of Money

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  1. America is in good hands.

  2. As full-body scans spread around the nation’s airports like so much herpes Alan Vanneman, I’m thinking TSA can get some extra cash by partnering with ExtenZe or some other such enhancement product.

    1. Maybe ads can pop up while your being scanned.

    2. It is beyond belief to me that Americans have reached the point where they will tolerate this kind of personal invasion by their government. 30 years ago people would have been aghast at the idea that you have to essentially strip for petty bureaucrats in order to get on an airplane. Americans should be ashamed of themselves and the cowardly boot lickers they have become. This is a perfect example of the kind of tyrannical incrementalism that is prevades this society. I absolutely guarantee you that if we continue on this course we will reach the point where cavity searches like they do in prison will be a routine part of travel by air. In 20 years we will have bureaucratic technicians shoving their gloved hands up our asses and in our twats for the sake of the children. America, land of the free.

      1. Speaking of tyrannical incrementalism, why do we have to sign in to see the small penis?

      2. I think I might change my handle to “Stripping For Bureaucrats”.

        1. For Change We Can Believe In or for small change?;-)

      3. oh shut up. Not wanting terrorists to blow up a plane is “tyranny”? Security checkpoints are “tyranny”? Take a pill.

  3. Already mentioned in Jessie Walker’s roundup below, but good for another laugh.

  4. Or maybe guys who are hung like a lightswitch shouldn’t fly.

    1. So I’m supposed to drive everywhere!? Fuck that!

    2. Airports will become the new “meat market” and we can finally dispose of the “club culture” so prevalent in today’s society. If I hear Ke$ha’s Tik Tok one more time, I may lose it like Mr. Tiny Junk. Also, those of us on the Itty Bitty Titty Committee better start applying for gas cards. The era of the road trip is back.

      1. “Itty Bitty Titty Committee”

        Great site!

  5. Real smart Rolando, now not only do your (former)co-workers know that your dick is small, but now the entire country can laugh at you. Are you going to beat everybody up?

    Let the dick jokes begin.

    1. A TSA guard walks into a bar and sets a tiny piano down in front of him…

    2. My dick is so big that it has its own dick. And even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick. -Drew Carey

    3. Maybe he should have claimed that he just got out of the pool.

  6. It’s a better than even bet that this guy’s supervisors were ignoring a hostile work environment, which should earn them significant discipline.

    Any bets on whether the TSA managers responsible for this guy and his co-workers will catch heat? Yeah, I thought not.

    1. “”Arizona’s new immigration law has a lot of enemies. Of course there are the usual partisans of the left who are either ideologically opposed to enforcing our national sovereignty or see the Latino community as their only hope to stave off a resurgent GOP.””

      Doesn’t that send a message that joking about what they seen on the screen is OK?

  7. Note to future undie bombers: TSA is busy measuring your wank.

  8. Forget shining shoes, I’ve got a new higher paying gig!

  9. I bet he really didn’t have a small dick, he probably just is a grower, not a shower. Your penis size flaccid does not equal your penis size when it is erect.

    1. Speak for yourself little man.

    2. Indeed. I fully intend to play some pocket pinball just before entering the scanner to make sure I don’t get shortchanged.

      1. Better watch it, Tulpa, you might get pulled out of line for being better endowed than your inspectors.

        1. Or maybe a buxom TSA screener sneaks her phone number into my carry-on.

          “You can profile me all day, baby.”

      2. Tulpa gets taken down for having a hard-on at the airport screener. I can see the headline now

    3. Yeah, that’s what I tell myself too.

    4. When I fly, it’s shriveled up like a stack of dimes.

      1. There was shrinkage!

    5. If he was a grower, he wouldn’t have needed to bring bring a telescoping baton to make his point.

      1. no, trust me people see it when it is flaccid and they think thats what is like erect. And once that train(a joke about a small penis) gets going there no stopping it.

        1. We will overcome, brother. We will overcome.

      2. Even his baton is a grower!

  10. catch-and-release-sized penis

    The Jacket wins.

  11. It does not surprise me that men with small dicks go in to law enforcement. “Authority” positions are a great way to compensate.

    1. But his coworkers who made fun of his size are also in law enforcement.

      1. Just because they’re bigger (which we don’t know for sure), doesn’t meant they aren’t still below the average.

  12. But full body scans are unintrusive.

  13. For some of you it is a laughing matter, but I don’t know how many times I have been surrounded by guards with guns drawn for carrying a concealed “Titan missile.”

    1. Hiring strippers in Security uniforms doesn’t count.

      1. TITAN has an issue of launch failure. Duds aren’t dangerous. Let, him through.

      2. the things they did to me!
        my booster rockets will never be the same

  14. It’s a crazy time we live in! For real. And for any of you lady readers out there who want to date a real Iman who can pass the measure of a silly x-ray exam, call me. If you like cartoons and have big boobs, we’ll get along very well. Please provide a “whole body scan” image. LOL

    Jess
    http://www.anonymous-web-surfing.cz.tc

  15. Jeez- it’s getting so’s a guy can’t even stuff ‘is trousers anymore! It’s the tour bus for me from now on.

  16. OT but interesting anti-regulation straw man/poor reasoning:

    http://www.truthout.org/slick-…..-well59178

    1. I doubt that guys credentials. All that BP and Halliburton hate, and not a word about the company that was actually operating the rig and working with Haliburton. He really doesn’t seem to know what the fuck he’s talking about.

  17. Dude, that is just too funny. Just one more reason the TSA is the biggest joke of an agency we have.

    Lou
    http://www.anonymous-web-surfing.cz.tc

  18. So this means I’m not charged extra for my “carry on”?

  19. “co-workers taunted him about his manifest shortcomings.”

    I love you, Jacket.

    1. How is that not sexual harassment?

      1. It is. But because he is a man it doesn’t matter.

  20. Mr. Gillespie,
    Thank you very much for the personal recommendation of our product. Unfortunately, our TSA resources have confirmed, you are not suitable to represent our product. However, with your leather jacket fixation and challenging schlort, we see a natural aptitude for law enforcement.

  21. Mr. Gillespie,
    Thank you very much for the personal recommendation of our product. Unfortunately, our TSA resources have confirmed, you are not suitable to represent our product. However, with your leather jacket fixation and challenging schlort, we see a natural aptitude for law enforcement.

  22. Mr. Gillespie,
    Thank you very much for the personal recommendation of our product. Unfortunately, our TSA resources have confirmed, you are not suitable to represent our product. However, with your leather jacket fixation and challenging schlort, we see a natural aptitude for law enforcement.

  23. I can’t imagine how big a Hummer this guy is going to have to buy once he gets out of the pokey.

  24. Iron Pelvis sounds like a metal band.

  25. Is everyone ignoring the fact that this is blatant sexual harrasment? Talking about a guy’s penis at work – the other person deserved a beat down. If it were a woman with an A-cup, and coworkers made fun of her for small breasts – what would be the outcome?

    1. The perfect breast size is considered to be that of a champagne glass and more than that is just a waste. I don’t know any woman who prefers a small penis. Men need to seek relief under the ADA on this one;-)

      1. Actually, there are women that like a small penis on a man. I figure it’s like a boy fetish or something.

        1. And don’t think I’m not grateful.

          1. I am lying and so are they.

            1. No really, I’ve seen sites for it.

        2. I don’t think there are many of those, but over the years you discover that the “acceptable” sizes according to women are significantly smaller than what you think when you’re in high school.

          And just like most men with breasts, women do think there is such a thing as a penis that’s too big.

        3. I’ve been denied access for being to large, do I have a reverse discrimination case?

          1. The real ed (me) never comments this late, impostor, and knows the difference between “to” and “too.” And when to use a period instead of a comma. Not that I’m not hung like a French bread.

      2. Do you mean a champagne flute? That’s like, oblong-shaped. Even if you spread the volume of the flute evenly and boob-shaped it’d hardly be more than training-bra-sized.

        1. “Legend has it that the champagne “coupe” (a shallow, broad-rimmed goblet) was modeled in the shape of Marie Antoinette’s breast, using wax moulds.”

    2. If it were a woman with an A-cup
      probably she would get implants, Prozac, and a therapist, all on the corporate health insurance.

      1. Especially since champagne has been served in fluted glasses for at least the last 30 years. Those would be some damn gruesome boobies.

  26. Negrin wanted to “resolve a problem,” and get Osorno, 34, to “finally respect him.

    How’s that working out for you?

    1. When Keepin’ It Real Goes Wrong just got renewed for another season!

  27. This is such hilarious karma
    its worth the cost of the machines..

    Can’t wait for scan-snapshots to
    start circulating..

    1. It’s my understanding that pictures from these TSA scanners are leaking on the internet. Possibly child porn. Some have appeared on 4chan.

  28. If only the TSA’ers were unionized, we wouldn’t have to worry about such childish behavior. Union members, are “professionals”, remember?

  29. We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if the TSA would have hired some fluffers.

    1. Fuckin’ aye. An apparent federal jobs program reject beat me to it upstairs.

  30. TSA = Thousands Standing Around.

  31. It was never much respect to begin with, but I lost all of it, when, on Christmas of all days, a TSA “supervisor” threatened to arrest my 5-months-pregnant wife literally because she scowled and looked at the agent the wrong way after receiving a bullshit petty-tyrant type instruction.

    That this guy has a small dick gives a lot of sense as to his chosen vocation.

    1. Good thing I wasn’t there that day!

  32. I’m just about to the point where I won’t fly anywhere, except to a country that doesn’t share a border with the US.

    Like, say, Costa Rica. Or maybe Panama.

    1. Dude, you keep mentioning Costa Rica. What’s so great about it? Seems just as fucked up as the rest of the area. And Panama? Isn’t it basically the 53rd state (after DC, and PR)?

  33. Are the pics on the web yet?

  34. Poor Rolando Negrin. The smallest things can get you 15 minutes of fame.

  35. That guy makes Richard Pollock look like a John Holmes motherfucker.

  36. Well, this explains why people go to work for TSA…They’re compensating.

  37. I thought these scanners where “not” that detailed. Now we find that they are, how long before some security bureaucrat decides to download some of these “not detailed” images? Oddly, with every turn we find a dishonest or incompetent government telling us not to worry, because “x” will not happen only to find out after they have enacted their policies that “x” did and will continue to happen.

    1. General rule when reading statements from politicians and governments: Assume the negation. Sometimes you will be wrong, but not very often, in my experience. You’ll be right much more often than if you simply take the statements at face value.

  38. Going through one of these scanners is voluntary. You have the option of being patted down instead. Isn’t that comforting?

  39. With that small a package, the TSA goon qualifies for Corvette ownership, so he really shouldn’t bitch.

  40. This is absolutely sexual harrassment, and it’s upsetting and vile that anyone has to go through it (not to mention that if the TSA had its way, all airline passengers would be compelled to go through it).

    It doesn’t make Gillespie’s turns of phrase any less amusing.

  41. We have to get these scanners placed at the entrances of nightclubs, “to keep out concealed weapons”, and the viewscreens should be life-size (or bigger) and visible to everyone in the club.

  42. What if a male TSA officer started jacking off while looking through the monitor as a hot chick walked through the scanner?

  43. I doubt that guys credentials. All that BP and Halliburton hate, and not a word about the company that was actually operating the rig and working with Haliburton. He really doesn’t seem to know what the fuck he’s talking about.

  44. I am conscious everytime i get scanned in airports. It is like being naked going through it.

  45. It’s a better than even bet that this guy’s supervisors were ignoring a hostile work environment, which should earn them significant discipline.

  46. LOL this news is kinda disturbing… and very funny…

  47. ExtenZe, an herbal nutritional supplement, is marketed by manufactured by Dish Direct Incorporated, AKA Maximizer Health Products Incorporated, as a “natural male enhancement”
    http://www.articlesmoz.com/extenze-male-enhancemen

  48. Or maybe a buxom TSA screener sneaks her phone number into my carry-on.

    “You can profile me all day, baby.”
    reply to this

  49. I think I might change my handle to “Stripping For Bureaucrats”.

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