Bikes: Good for the Environment, Bad for the President

Brian Doherty | 4.29.2010 7:50 PM

A week or so old, but I believe unnoted here: the NYPD indulges in mass bicycle theft to protect the president from the possibility that that bike may be a pipe bomb when he spoke at the Cooper Union there. The news, and photos, from Gothamist. Link via Liberty and Power.

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capitol l 15 years ago

Jeez, fucking bastards. A pipe bomb in a bike? The president's motorcade can take a hit from an rpg.

Those fat fucks in blue should confiscate their pear shaped asses, as there may be a pipe bomb secreted there.
1. ed 15 years ago
  
  Fortunately, the president hardly ever leaves the White House to campaign for the election that he already won.
? 15 years ago

They do this every time someone famous enough to excuse it walks down a street. No one cares, usually. Police auctions don't fill themselves with stolen stuff. It's the first time I've heard the "pipe bomb" excuse, even for a President.

"Why are you guys rounding up bikes?"
"They could be bombs."
"Could be!"
"Yeah. So we're putting them in a huge rickety swaying heap in the back of a hot rusty metal-bedded truck and driving them down around for a couple hours."
"I see!"
1. Tim 15 years ago
  
  The chains could be converted to chain saws...
2. Wylie 15 years ago
  
  Limitless powers of seizure + Auctions = Profit.
  
  Suck It, Underpants-Gnomes!
? 15 years ago

My pothole-y street joke fell out of the truck.

BOOM
Fluffy 15 years ago

No person shall be...deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law...

Unless your property is anywhere near the king, who gets treated like a god - in THAT case, we can take your shit whenever we want and we don't even have to tell you about it.
1. Leto Atreides II 15 years ago
  
  It's good to be the God Emperor. It's a lonely gig and we have to amuse ourselves somehow.
  1. Duncan Idaho 15 years ago
    
    It's all your fault I keep dying.
    1. Leto Atreides II 15 years ago
      
      You're a useful tool,Duncan, but so predictable.
    2. BakedPenguin 15 years ago
      
      If you lived, you wouldn't have become Captain Picard. So shut up and let the blade piece your shield slowly.
      1. Mr. Chartreuse 15 years ago
        
        Government, protecting your rights 100%...er 70%...ok maybe 45%...look it can't be worse than 10% of the time...can it?
      2. Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        Patrick Stewart played Gurney Halleck. Richard Jordan played Duncan Idaho, O Fried Aquatic Avian.
        
        Ghost of Schr?dinger's cat 15 years ago
        
        nerds
        
        The Art-P.O.G. 15 years ago
        
        Apparently, none of their names are killing words.
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        You're lucky I'm not a veterinarian specializing in extra-corporeal felines.
      3. Nipplemancer 15 years ago
        
        why are you referencing the movie!?!?!
        
        Nipplemancer 15 years ago
        
        I really do love David Lynch but Dune fucking pisses me off.
        
        Sting 15 years ago
        
        hush, it's my greatest accomplishment. next to firing the rest of The Police, that is.
        
        Nephilium 15 years ago
        
        Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is the better Sting movie.
        
        That is all.
    3. This Dave 15 years ago
      
      Oh my god, they killed Duncan! You bastards!
Solanum 15 years ago

New Yorkers voted in and re-elected those assbags Guiliani and Bloomberg. They got exactly the nanny/police state they wanted. Excuse while I wipe away these crocodile tears.
1. capitol l 15 years ago
  
  Could say the same thing about the entire nation, except we all got to live here. And, It's starting to get stifling around here, ya know.
  1. Almanian 15 years ago
    
    What you said
  2. Wylie 15 years ago
    
    If ya don't like 'murica, you can just geeeeyyyt ourt!
    
    Explain to me again how Civil War II ISN'T inevitable?
2. PapayaSF 15 years ago
  
  I don't see how you can blame Giuliani for this.
Jeffersonian 15 years ago

So who else thinks the Prez ought to have a humble broom-pusher with him at all times whispering "Thou art only human" to him?
1. Almanian 15 years ago
  
  Racist!
2. Mr C 15 years ago
  
  Respica te, hominem te memento! Memento mori!
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R....._and_rites
3. Andrea 15 years ago
  
  haha so true
Mr C 15 years ago

Why does the NYPD hate bikes and their riders so much? (remember the guy who got body-checked off his cycle a while back by a NYPD cop?)
1. capitol l 15 years ago
  
  I don't think it's riders as much as they hate anything that's not a fried twinkie topped with parmesan cheese.
  1. Michelle Obama 15 years ago
    
    Those sound unhealthy. I'd better get them banned.
  2. Wylie 15 years ago
    
    What a waste of perfectly good cheese. Even the shaker stuff...
2. Michael 15 years ago
  
  Ah, that guy. Yes. Turns out that he's a colossal piece of shit.
  
  http://www.nypost.com/p/news/l.....z0lkEvEdl0
Rich 15 years ago

The band?s name prompted police in Austin, Texas, to detain a woman who had the same sticker on her bike at a peace rally in 2001. She was released after officers verified that the band exists.

1) I just gots to wonder if those weird Austin officers bothered to check the bike for explosives.

2) I assume waving a Megadeth poster around at a peace rally is OK, since the band exists.
1. capitol l 15 years ago
  
  Huh?
  1. Rich 15 years ago
    
    Sorry, derivative from the second link in the post.
    1. capitol l 15 years ago
      
      Okay, I read the article and your post is not the mystery it once was.
      
      Personally, my bike if stuffed to the gills with exotic homemade nitro-aromatic compounds, so these stories really hit home...booom!
      1. capitol l 15 years ago
        
        I guess I'll incriminate myself and correct my post if=is. Not that I would ever use nitro-aromatics, their for pussies, a real man rolls with peroxides.
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        You bleach your hair?
        
        capitol l 15 years ago
        
        Who said I had hair? Name the libelous bastards.
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        You get a full Brazilian then? I should have known, you crapulent pervert.
        
        capitol l 15 years ago
        
        I was born hair-less you ape, and died bald as jesus.
        
        Do you respect the dead, you hirsute troglodyte?
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        Of course I don't respect the dead. It's a sin to waste food, you earfucking parasite.
        
        capitol l 15 years ago
        
        I am the salamander and again you have been given wrong information, Prof. Power-lifting Gorilla, or if you prefer Mr. Gorilla. I have no need for the ear, as it has a large cavity diameter, but if you called me an under the fingernail fucker, then I could not call you a liar.
        
        good day, sir!
2. Almanian 15 years ago
  
  Waving a Megadeth anything around is OK anywhere at any time.
  1. Rich 15 years ago
    
    Right on. I'm just trying to understand the cops' thinking, or lack thereof.
    1. Wylie 15 years ago
      
      Assuming the "lack thereof", whats to understand?
      
      People Dont Think -> Stupid Shit Happens
      
      Squid pro roe.
3. Warty 15 years ago
  
  2) I assume waving a Megadeth poster around at a peace rally is OK, since the band exists.
  
  Peace Sells
  1. Marc 15 years ago
    
    Warty, do you think Breadline is an acceptable song? Just curious.
    1. Warty 15 years ago
      
      It doesn't belong in the Megadeth catalog. If Dave Mustaine wanted to follow his bestest buds in Metallica in their shitty 90s alt-rock direction, he should have released the album as a side project. I'm glad it only took him one album to realize what a mistake that was and resume making metal records, though. Fucking Lars Ulrich. This is all Lars' fault. Everything is Lars' fault.
      1. Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        Are you suggesting Lars Ulrich is the Pied Piper...led rats through the streets?
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        The same. It's like I always say, dude - if you see a Norwegian, you'd better murder him.
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        I thought he was Danish.
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        You're right. In fact, you shouldn't try to murder Norwegians, especially if they're Gaahl. He'll fuck you up.
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        Awesome. I'll add that to my surgery playlist.
        
        U mean 15 years ago
        
        dice & slice
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        Heh heh, indeed! 🙂
        
        R U 15 years ago
        
        not taking any trips?
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        Traveling now.
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        Make sure to buy some of his designer clothing line.
        
        Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
        
        The article said he was designing womens dresses; scrubs aren't dresses you mindless corpulent radula.
        
        Warty 15 years ago
        
        Keep telling yourself that, you glorified enema fetishist.
Hazel Meade 15 years ago

God. I'm willing to bet that less than 5% of the owners got their bikes back. The police probably just dumped them somewhere convenient and less homeless people steal them.
1. Robert 15 years ago
  
  No, according to unverified reports from the linked material, they auctioned them off, pipe bombs & all.
Chad 15 years ago

Torn... between... love of... environment... and... lust... for... Obama...
1. capitol l 15 years ago
  
  Almost, but we all know Chad ain't got the cajones to ride a bike around a city. That is why he is so eager to tell everyone about his hybrid...with its huge batteries whose manufacture negate his high mpg.
  1. The Libertarian Guy 15 years ago
    
    Oh, Chad likes bicycles... for the rest of us, while his man-crush Al Gore rides in single-digit-MPG armored limousines.
2. Groovus Maximus 15 years ago
  
  "Torn between two lovers.... feeling like a fool..."
  1. Ted S. 15 years ago
    
    Dammit, you beat me to the punch.
    
    On the other hand, you forgot to put in the obligatory Youtube link.
  2. Ted S. 15 years ago
    
    Dammit, you beat me to the punch.
    
    On the other hand, you forgot to put in the obligatory Youtube link.
  3. Kant feel Pietzsche 15 years ago
    
    I always thought that song was really about a menage a trois gone terribly wrong...
Groovus Maximus 15 years ago

Nahh, probably fenced them. I'm sure the NYPD owes a favor or two.
IceTrey 15 years ago

How many days since the inauguration has that asshole even been in the White House? How many millions has it cost for that fucker to fly somewhere everyday to give some moronic speech. They said today that the stupid debt commission has already cost half a million dollars. What a douche.
1. Ivan 15 years ago
  
  Racist
2. Mass Media 15 years ago
  
  Why do you hate black people?
3. Tim 15 years ago
  
  Have some tea dear.
The Real Barry O 15 years ago

Let me be clear. There are some people out there, who may not like everything I stand for. These people may wish to harm America with a "bike-bomb". Therefore, I am encouraged by the actions of the brave men and women of the NYPD to secure any area I may be visiting. To those brave and patriotic citizen's of New York who gave up their bikes so that I may be safe, I say Thank you.
Ivan 15 years ago

Obama is for the children, so confiscating the bikes for the safety of Obama is for the children. How can you be against the children?
Organic Girl 15 years ago

I actually agree.
I doubt that any terrorists would want to blow up President Obama. And Republicans don't seem to own bikes, so my guess is that the chances of one of them being a pipe bomb is pretty low.

That said, of they were going to take them, they should have donated them to a community bike program.
1. Ivan 15 years ago
  
  Really?
  1. The Art-P.O.G. 15 years ago
    
    Yup. She's really made of organic molecules.
    1. Ivan 15 years ago
      
      Wow! If only....................
      1. Warty 15 years ago
        
        Yes. If only we can compress her under a huge amount of pressure for a few thousand years, she may one day become useful.
      2. The Art-P.O.G. 15 years ago
        
        Mostly water, though.
2. JohnD 15 years ago
  
  So Organic Girl, it's pk for the police to take someones prperty if they donate it to someone else? You are a freaking idiot or a liberal Dem, but I repeat myself.
  1. JohnD 15 years ago
    
    er... I meant OK, not pk... sorry.
  2. Zeb 15 years ago
    
    To be fair, she didn't say it was OK. But I am pretty sure she is performance art, so who cares.
ed 15 years ago

But consider for a moment what a living hell our nation would become if Obama were to be "taken out":

1) Weeks of hysterical mourning, including mandatory self-flagellation
2) Emergency funding to build a memorial even higher than Washington's
3) Sympathy voting creates Democrat super-super-majority
4) President Biden!
1. JohnD 15 years ago
  
  Hmmm. I could accept that.
  1. Wylie 15 years ago
    
    The cost-benefit of that hypothetical is pretty good.
  2. Wylie 15 years ago
    
    errr, nm, i misread the hell outta #3.
2. Slut Bunwalla 15 years ago
  
  Also, swift passage of hundreds of bills containing everything "Obama would have wanted."
Tim 15 years ago

We need a government designed bike that replaces dangerous hollow tubing with cast iron. Add some airbags while your at it, and a roll bar...

What else?
1. Surly Chef 15 years ago
  
  Solid rubber tires sans-1890. You could fill modern bike tubes with all kinds of chemical weapons or blasting gelatin.
  
  Saw this story linked on Urbanvelo.org the other day. Wasn't sure if it was overblown, but it seems confirmed now.
  1. Wylie 15 years ago
    
    You could fill modern bike tubes
    
    And of course, water bottles are totally verboten.
    1. Surly Chef 15 years ago
      
      Water bottles are obviously out. Banning inflatable tires will get rid of pumps too, which look suspiciously like cartoon blasting triggers.
      1. Wylie 15 years ago
        
        Now all we need to do is figure out why bike locks are a danger to the public and we're set!
Anomalous 15 years ago

The NYPD are thieving bastards.
Michael 15 years ago

Where will this auction be held?
Wylie 15 years ago

I think the solution is to make your jurisdiction ban Obama from visiting there. Just get the county or city council to draft up something along the lines of "To maintain the peace and prosperity of the citizens of , Any sitting President, 1st Lady, 1st Brat, or any other person protected by the Secret Service is hereby banned from entering the boundaries of ."

At the very least, can i get a list of places he doesn't plan on ever going to? That's where I want to live. "ButtfuckNoWhere, NV - No Presidential Visits in over 200 years. Pop: 420"
1. Wylie 15 years ago
  
  whoops, "citizens of [City/County/State]" and "the boundaries of [City/etc]"
  
  used the wrong sort of character for my [insert name here] convention.

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Bikes: Good for the Environment, Bad for the President

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