United Kingdom

British Imperialism Is Absolutely Fabulous!


Give that bird a gun and a bowler…and send her to the Raj!

Actress Joanna Lumley, famous for her role as the drink-sodden Patsy in the BBC comedy Absolutely Fabulous and her campaigns on behalf of Gurkha veterans that have "led her to be considered a national heroine," offers a novel solution to the spiraling crime rates in the UK. The Telegraph explains:

Miss Lumley, who has campaigned for Gurkha veterans, said: "Of course they all go about with knives because it's exciting. Horrifying! I think they're bored stiff. Nobody's said, 'Hey boys, I want you lot in my ship now, we're off to have a really immense adventure.'

"In the old days, because of Empire, our young men were always going out to do something. And now they're not. And now we've got those same boiling boys and we expect them to sit and watch X Factor! Are we mad?"

I once has a long discussion with an Indian expat who, in his phrase, "wouldn't hear a bad word about the British" (he was, rather surprisingly, obsessed with the Concord transcendentalists; a sort of reverse of the old Western obsession with the Maharishi-brand of "transcendentalism") and I have read Cato senior fellow Deepak Lal's thin little monograph In Praise of Empires, but I have yet to encounter anyone who believes that a reconquest of German West Africa and Tanganyika would effect crime rates in Kreuzberg. But then again, I don't hang around in the rarified world of British television stars.

NEXT: Appointment TV: Watch South Park Tomorrow for an Eerily Familiar Trip to Medicinal [Marijuana] Fried Chicken!

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  1. “Have you eaten?”

    “Not since 1978! Ha ha ha!”

  2. This would be great. It’d give all the admin types something productive to do and keep them out of my hair too!

  3. Yes, put them to productive use. Have them colonize and terraform the Moon.

    1. Wouldn’t Mars be a better candidate for terraform? Or Europa if we could make it there?

      1. Actually i am thinking Venus will turn out to be easier then mars.

        1. I offer the Moon because no one ever talks about terraforming it. I feel bad for the Moon. It’s so close and convenient for vacations. Why not fix it up for tourists? Lunar Disney! Low-gravity sex spas!

          1. It good to hear someone stick up for the Moon. Poor Moon.

            1. It’s like family. There it is, orbiting us like a loyal dog. How can we ignore it for planets millions of miles away?

              Terraforming the Moon–it’s the right thing to do.

              1. Okay, but we get to mine the shit out of it first.

                1. Well, of course. Raping, plundering, and pillaging first, then terraforming. It’s kind of like dating.

                  1. So your exes end up covered in sod?

                    1. What kind of rough lifestyle do you have, Clovis?

                  2. Unobtainium?

                  3. We should hollow it out and fill it with malted candy. It’ll be like a giant Whopper?.

                    1. America can, should, and must blow up the moon.

              2. I can see my house from there!

        2. Nope. Venus’s rotation is all wrong.

          1. I am introducing legislation to force Venus to rotate correctly. problem solved.

            1. Sure, if you can get it passed.

              1. Just bundle it with a student loan bill or funding for a high speed rail project.

                1. Brilliant!

      2. But, “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
        In fact it’s cold as hell
        And there’s no one there to raise them if you did”

        1. The British sure are negative about manned spaceflight. Mars sucks. Major Tom dead. Not good.

          1. Not to mention daleks, etc.

  4. What the? I don’t think young British men are falling all over themselves trying to serve in Afghanistan, are they?

    1. For the Taliban, perhaps.

      1. ZING!! FTW!!!!

    2. Impressment works better than waiting for them to volunteer.

    3. Well, if we let them keep Afghanistan, instead of giving it back to the wogs, you might see more volunteers.

    4. Actually, they are….


  5. Go west, young chap!

  6. Gun-In-Stocking Girl is the new (and better, in my opinion) Lobster Girl. All hail Gun-In-Stocking Girl!! If it weren’t for the increasingly oppressive Big Brother Surveillance & Socialism Society, I for one would welcome our new (or old depending upon how one looks at it) British overlords.

    1. HERESY!

      Thou shalt not speak ill of Lobster Girl. Gun in Stocking girl lacks the wondrousness of sideboob. And you know there’s a massive bush hiding under the 70’s era stockings.

      1. Wanker!! Gun-In-Stocking Girl would blow your crustacean kissing tramp away and use her bumbershoot to deflect the rain of gore. As for the level of fuzz residing in her nether regions…I fear not. That’s what separates the real women from the Jonas Brothers groupies.

        1. The legs say yes but the man hands say beware.

          1. And the face says abandon hope all ye who enter here.

              1. Could that be the Reason Girl all dressed up and actually smiling?

      2. She shouldn’t replace Lobster Girl. However, I could definitely see her being the new pin-up-girl for every 2nd Amendment post from now on.

  7. I’ve been arguing for years that one of the reasons why homicide rates are so low in England/Wales is that the UK spent the past few centuries exporting its violent types to the rest of the world.

    1. I’m always surprised that the Australians really aren’t that violent. I must do some research on why they aren’t.

      1. It’s all the deadly fauna. Friggin’ everything is lethal in that part of the world. Poisonous, deadly butterflies. Brain-sucking mollusks. Attack lichen. Etc. Can’t do crime while you’re cowering in terror.

        1. Can’t do crime while you’re cowering in terror.

          Yeah the deadly land where rabbits are dominating the ecosystem. Give me a break.

            1. ahem speaks wisely.

        2. Don’t forget the drop bears.

        3. Wow, dude. I never realized that Australia was Deathworld. Cool.

          1. Ooh, good reference. Do they have powered holsters?

        4. Attack lichen.

          Thank You.

          1. Fast-moving attack lichen.

        5. So, if you want to do someone in and make it look like an accident, you could just give him a ticket to Australia, and tell him to be sure to pet all the critters with the brightest colors, because they’re the friendliest?


      2. It’s my theory that when your population is 30 million as opposed to (say) 300 million, and you have lots of land, people tend to come into conflict less. See also Canada.

        1. Shit, with that much land, do people even see each other on a daily basis?

          1. When they almost all live within 30 miles of the ocean, sure, but the point is that New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

            No, you’re thinking of Australians.

            1. New Zealand is where I plan to run when we collapse. Unless post-apocalyptic America is too much fun.

              1. ProL–We can be neighbors then. But I get the castle on the higher land, just in case you get any ideas of conquest.

                1. Right. Mined higher land.

              2. Planning on leaving a sinking ship to hitch a ride on the Flying Dutchman?

            2. Nice save there. I almost had to have you renditioned to queensland to be fed to dingos.

              1. It’s from Flight of the Conchords, dude. A great episode.

                1. I saw the movie, New Zealand has balrogs. Hell with that.

      3. Actually, when you add up all violent crimes in Australia (and Canada, the UK and NZ too) you’ll find they are not at all slackers compared to the USA. Where us yanks excel is in turning simple assaults into homicides, USA! USA! we’re No 1! in killing.

        1. As with most things, we’re more efficient.

      4. Aussies, Canadians, & non-hispanic white Americans, all have roughly the same homicide rates – about 2.5/100K, last I checked, about 2.5 times that of England/Wales.

    2. Tim Starr… I have not seen that moniker since… lurking on the MDOP mailing list in college? Nice of you to pop in.

      1. Nice to see your name again, too, Mark!

  8. Hold on! Hottie spies like Valerie Plame are Left-Libertarians!

    Why won’t Reason people learn?

    1. You are a very confused young man.

    2. shriek, I’m begging you–please share whatever you’re on with me.

      1. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

    3. Because espionage and libertarianism are so compatible…

    4. Shriek, when will you accept the challenge?

      Shriek, I’ve got a project for you. Read up on these christian fundamentalist aholes and then do some investigative work to discredit them/expose them as fags or something, and then get back to us:


      1. Your insistence is bordering on harassment. I am warning you now, you cryptofascist: you will not succeed in badgering me – a Hayekian liberal, for god’s sake – into relying on facts. Never in life!

  9. I have yet to encounter anyone who believes that a reconquest of German West Africa and Tanganyika would effect crime rates in Kreuzberg. But then again, I don’t hang around in the rarified world of British television stars.

    It is pretty well known fact if you want to kill poeple then you should join the military. Or are you of the view young men join the military because of the cool uniforms and technical training?

    Anyway i think she is right to some extent. I don’t know if it is a major factor but to the extent to which she is right she is also saying that in the good old days Britain use to export its violent youth problem to lands filled with brown people.

    To state such a thing in a positive light is in my mind grotesque.

    1. Now it imports the brown people instead.

      1. Now it imports the brown people instead.

        Yeah the US is doing it as well. Thank god. With all these Mexicans who are bar none the least violent group of immigrants to come to the US i am thinking in 20 years our violent crime rate will be approaching zero.

        Blood thirsty Scot-Irish-Welsh-Germans have been fucking up this county for far to long.

        1. Fuck, I’m mostly Scot/English/German. Maybe I’d better report myself to, well, those to whom I should be reported.

          1. The EthnoCops.

            1. Oh, right. Thanks.

    2. It’s a widely believed fact!

  10. Legalize and de-stigmatize prostitution, marijuana, and opium, and that would lower the crime-rate significantly. Don’t have much interest in killing or hurting people if you’re feelin’ groovy

  11. 3 times I’ve read this post and I can’t figure out wtf it’s about.

    Then again, i am stoned out of my mind.

    1. Don’t feel bad. Cavanaugh’s posts have the same effect on me, although I sometimes understand them better after a few drinks.

      1. I understand Cavanaugh’s post straight. But while high, I not only understand them, I understand them. Like, green ones and zeros and japanese characters floating before me and they all just click.

        Also, my hands are HUGE.

  12. Do none of you watch AbFab? Why do I hang out here…

    1. Obviously you don’t, Tony, or you would have gotten my quote from the very first post on this thread.

    2. The post was obviously the fag equivalent of the nerd test. Tony, to no one’s surprise, passes with flying rainbow colors.

  13. Wait, I’m confused. We’re angry at a woman for pointing out that males between 16 and 26 are hormonally driven to be competitive to the point of violence, and that channeling that to something might be good? WTF? Everybody jumped on the non-sequiter about the Gurkha citizenship (can’t let the little brown ones enjoy citizenship after service, what?). The message was that TV programming is shit and kids are lazy. Certainly wouldn’t want people to think there was life beyond reality TV. Next they might get off the dole.

    1. Yeah, but the type of young men who do stabbings can seek thrills by joining the Army or doing MMA, right?

      1. Gawd, I hate the sweaty, nut-punching, roid-rage spectacle that is MMA. Well, UFC specifically. Mindless pugilism.

        1. What? There is great strategy and skill to MMA (UFC much as anything). It’s probably my favorite sport after gridiron football and basketball.

          1. Another one of my opinions, I’m afraid, like despising Shite Club. All I see when I watch UFC is a bunch of meatheads with waxed chests pounding the shit out of each other. It’s utterly artless. Ground and pound ain’t a fuckin’ style of fighting, it’s martial arts fast food.

            I’m not disagreeing with you that there’s strategy and skill involved, I just think the whole thing is a spectacle of shit. Whatever floats your boat, though, man- I’m not trying to disparage anyone who likes it.

  14. Certainly boredom is an underrated factor in the history of various Anglo-Saxon societies. And We are traditionally a dangerous bunch when we’re bored.

    Yeah, I know, you can say the same thing about Taliban men without wives or prospects, but us Anglo-Saxons, married or otherwise, have invaded and conquered everything from Beijing to Calcutta, from Cairo to the Cape and from Alaska to the Falklands at one time or another.

    We are a warlike people. I don’t think there’s anywhere on earth that we Anglo-Saxons haven’t invaded at one point or another.

    1. Who’s “we”, WASP man?

      1. Yeah, it’s been millennia since Italy has successfully invaded anyone. Except maybe Venice taking Constantinople, but Venetians are practically non-Italian.

        1. White, Anglo-Sexy Protestant.

        2. Ouch, Pro Lib went there.

          1. Sorry. I made the Saxon violence joke once too often. Besides, I only meant to exclude Epi, not you.

            1. They’re actually in talks to take back Italy next year.

              1. The Angles? Or the Saxons?

                1. The Italians.

            2. Well, there is the German-Austrian part of me. You know who else was Austrian?

              1. Not Beethoven.

              2. “Well, there is the German-Austrian part of me. You know who else was Austrian?”

                Freud! Is the answer Freud?!

                What do I win?

                1. You win an hour on my couch telling me about your mother.

                  1. Perv!

              3. Josef Fritzl

        3. “Except maybe Venice taking Constantinople, but Venetians are practically non-Italian.”

          And besides, didn’t anybody that happened to be in the neighborhood sack Constantinople? Constantinople was like the “Sweet Connie” of the Middle Ages–why not sack Constantinople?

          1. It’s the queen slut of cities.

          2. On the contrary, my dear fellow – it fell occasionally in civil wars, usually to treachery, but only twice to foreign opponents (1204 and 1453.) In fact, Constantinople was famous for not being sacked, despite some very long sieges.

        4. Ethiopia?

          1. Ethiopia isn’t really very near there. …and they never had an army wandering through.

            Crusaders thought they’d stop by and have a look-see on their way to the Holy Land, and OMG, these guys are so ripe! Why go fight in the Holy Land when there’s easy pickin’s right here? Muslims comin’ the other way? Why not give a Constantinople a poke?

            Even the Vikings got a piece of that!

            Even the Vikings…which might be why, I suspect, there are so many smokin’ hot chicks in Russia, but I guess that’s another thread.

            1. Amazing the range of Viking activity.

      2. Whaddaya, a gino?

        1. 100% continental European stock in me, no British Isles at all. Especially not Irish, thank Jeebus.

          1. The irish are not the best looking of peoples, nor are the english. They do OK when interbred in the colonies though.

            1. Interbreeding is good. Wink wink.

              1. Hybrid vigor.

          2. I have a bit of English, but my British blood is mostly Scottish. The Danish raping part of Scotland.

          3. 100% continental European stock in me, no British Isles at all. Especially not Irish, thank Jeebus.

            Science, didn’t you know that God created whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world? Mmmmm, whiskey.

    2. It’s only teenage wasteland.

      1. I remember a DJ getting totally pissed when a kid called in and requested “Teenage Wasteland.” Also, I used to call “Baba O’Riley” that to my music snob friends just to piss them off.

        1. Heh heh. The first time I heard that song was in Spike Lee’s “Summer of Sam” (good flick, and Adrien Brody’s always good) and immediately knowing I had to have it. I remember looking for it and thinking, “huh…The Who don’t have a song called “Teenage Wasteland.” LOL.

          1. The song is actually about a woman with large breasts.

            1. Aren’t they all?

              1. Yes.

                1. Not Squeezebox! That is about something entirely non-sexual.

                  1. That’s about polka.

    3. “We are a warlike people. I don’t think there’s anywhere on earth that we Anglo-Saxons haven’t invaded at one point or another.”

      Seriously, no wonder the neighbors keep their doors locked and won’t answer when we come over to introduce ourselves…

      We not here to invade and take over and exploit the hell out of everybody… No, seriously, we really mean it this time!

      wink wink.

  15. Did she get that bowler and umbrella from Steed?

    1. Is that a rhetorical question?

  16. I once has a long discussion

    Please, Michael, you must fix this.

  17. Joanna Lumley looks like this now. Just sayin’.


    1. She looks pretty damn good if your the same age, mate.

  18. maybe that’s an inherent flaw of imperialism, most of the people drawn to it would otherwise be called criminals in the home country, but not in someone else’s

  19. Actress Joanna Lumley, famous for her role as the drink-sodden Patsy in the BBC comedy Absolutely Fabulous and her campaigns on behalf of Gurkha veterans

    She’s also famous for appearing in The New Avengers. (In fact, that picture looks like she’s trying to dress up as John Steed–though Steed never showed quite as much leg as that.)

    1. One would have thought that in this crowd that Ms Lumley’s appearance in the late 70’s cult Science Fiction Show Sapphire and Steel would have been mentioned.


  20. It has it’s appeal. It would give governments something to do beside fuck with their own citizens. If it really has to screw with somebody, better the godless heathens.

  21. Wow, she is HOT and she is packing! I like it!


    1. Robot feelings are a wan shadow of human feelings. Think about that tonight when you robot-cry yourself to sleep on your cyber-pillow.

      1. How in the blazes though could that message been by an adbot?

        It noticed that


        1. (hit reply too soon)

          It noticed that _she_ was carrying a gun _and_ that it was a provocative pose.

  22. Great SITE for Documentaries check it out

  23. Actually in the Victorian era the violent and bored were shipped off to Australia, or simply hung by the neck until dead. The sort of young man who went off to build the empire was usually ambitious and fairly intelligent – those types are now investment bankers in the City.

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