Alcohol

Joose It Up! (While You Can!)

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The Food and Drug Administration is threatening to ban alcoholic beverages that contain caffeine, saying the combination has not been proven safe. No kidding. Since no one thinks that adding caffeine to alcohol eliminates the latter's inherent hazards, it seems unlikely that manufacturers will be able to satisfy the FDA's demand for "clear evidence of safety." Within 30 days, no less. So it looks like the end of the line for products like Joose, which combines a malt beverage containing about 10 percent alcohol with ingredients typically found in energy drinks, such as caffeine, ginseng, and taurine. Anheuser-Busch and MillerCoors already have stopped selling similar products (Tilt and Sparks, respectively) under pressure from the Center for Science in the Public Interest and other busybodies.

The critics argue that adding caffeine to alcohol makes people underestimate their drunkenness. They cite a 2007 survey by researchers at Wake Forest University that found college students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents. It's possible, of course, that such associations can be explained by the characteristics of young drinkers who favor trendy concoctions such as the Annihilator and the Apple Pucker Mother Fucker, as opposed to the special dangers of combining alcohol with caffeine.

In any event, the FDA has no power to stop the mixing of such politically incorrect cocktails, or to bar the preparation of scary innovations like "Irish" coffee or Rum and Coke (street name: Cuba Libre). All it can do is make an empty gesture by arbitrarily banning the newer (and therefore presumptively more dangerous) drinks, which offend professional meddlers less because of their pharmacological action than because of their producers' brazen speech. 

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  1. Meter’s still runnin’ on my bet.

  2. and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.

    Define ‘regrettable’

    1. when you’d prefer to chew off your arm rather than wake the beast you brought home the night before.

      1. Never pass up sex. It was one of the Commandments that Moses dropped. Trust me.

        1. Don’t turn it down… turn it over..

          *ducks*

    2. When you realize you spent most of the last evening attempting to grab your friend’s ass, and you now both wonder if you might be gay.

  3. Here’s why Newspapers are failing:

    An Associated Press dispatch, written by Erica Werner and Richard Alonso-Zaldivar, compares the House and Senate ObamaCare bills. Compare this dispatch to the AP’s dispatch earlier this week “fact checking” Sarah Palin’s new book. Here goes:

    Number of AP reporters assigned to story:
    ? ObamaCare bills: 2
    ? Palin book: 11

    Number of pages in document being covered:
    ? ObamaCare bills: 4,064
    ? Palin book: 432

    Number of pages per AP reporter:
    ? ObamaCare bill: 2,032
    ? Palin book: 39.3

    1. But those bills are so long and boring. I’d much rather read a milfography too.

  4. If the name of the drink were Booty Joose I’d be very, very upset.

    I’ll stop now.

    1. How about Booty Jews?

    2. On the upside: Booty Sweat and Bust-a-Nut bars are now available at the concessions stand.

  5. A Cube Libre is technically a rum and coke with a twist of lime. The twist of lime is the key.

  6. A Cuba Libre is not a rum and Coke, it is a rum and Coke with a piece of lime in it!

    That was the first drink I always asked for when I was drinking underage in bars. Usually the bartender or the waitress would assume that anyone worldly enough to order one was old enough to be drinking legally (only had to be 19 at the time).

    I’m also suspicious about the term “regrettable sexual incident”. In my experience the regrettable part of most alcohol based sexual experiences was waking up the next morning without beer goggles on.

    Wouldn’t Red Bull keep you up and alert, so that when you realized the 10 you went home from the bar with had fallen to an 8 you could still sneak off with a treasured memory, instead of falling asleep and waking up with a 4?

    1. Word… regrettable to her maybe… a lifetime of memories for me, though!

      1. regrettable to her maybe

        You sound just like my wife. But she leaves out the maybe.

        1. And yet you’re still married…

          1. That’s the beauty in marrying a masochist…

    2. Never had a regrettable sexual incident.

      Had some women I didn’t want to take out again, but pussy is pussy. It’s all good.

    3. I never fucked a ten, but one night I fucked five twos.

  7. They cite a 2007 survey by researchers at Wake Forest University that found college students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.

    They obviously didn’t consider that anyone who would mix liquor and red ball is “twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents” before they’ve even had there first drink.

    1. red ball Red Bull

      1. i liked the first way better

        1. J sub D, this is what angers me the most, someone makes a claim and no reporter asks a single question or poses a significant challenge.

          Is this data indicative of correlation or causation? Gee, who would of thought to ask that. No, we get this “twice as likely” malarkey that has no basis in reality. What’s the mechanism you hack of a scientist.

          I just read the salvia article and the unanswered idiocy spat by politicians and parroted by the media is rage inducing.

          They can have my Irish coffee when they pry it from my toasty dead hands.

          Yo’ Jack, there are about three hundred people over there—> discussing Palin, ahem.

          1. The incoherence of that is in direct correlation to my impotent rage, pass the fuckin salvia.

  8. Usually the bartender or the waitress would assume that anyone worldly enough to order one was old enough to be drinking legally

    I think you put excessive stock in bartenders giving a damn, especially back when legal age was 19.

  9. This is bad because its one thing for the FDA to determine that a substance is a proximate harm itself and another to determine a product harmful due to it being associated with actions which involve a slew of intervening causes.

    Short version: this is stupid paternalistic nannyism.

  10. Just you wait. You’ll hear this from MADD shortly.

    If you can’t sell it at the store, why can you still sell it (Irish coffee, rum and Coke, …) in bars?

  11. I thought you liked that sort of stuff MNG? Anyway, the Cuba Libra discussion above is acurate. Whena bartender puts a damn lime in my Rum and Coke it pisses me off.

    Anecdote 1: My foreign wife prnounces it “Rum and Cock”…hillarity ensues.

    Anecdote 2: My foreign wife just took her citizenship oath (FUCKING AWESOME CEREMONY!)

    Anecdote 3: Due to recent changes in my sensativity to insulin I will no longer be drinking “Rum and Coke”

    Move over SugarFree, make some room on this bus

    1. Congrats on the wife’s new citizenship.

      My wife’s citizenship’s ceremony was a complete buzzkill.

      It started 3 hours late.

      I’ve heard announcements about next week’s upcoming pot luck dinner before a Lutheran service that were more inspirational than the yutzes who spoke at my wife’s ceremony.

      The only speaker who showed any passion whatsoever was some county clerk who told everyone that now that they were citizens they were eligible for all sorts of new goodies.

      I was really disappointed by the whole thing.

    2. Your wife wanted to know what a free country was like, huh?

      1. I’m guessing, if she’s paying any attention, she’s still wondering what a free country would be like.

      2. Yeah, she watches me stress over this political crap and she starts getting into it. It bugger her she couldnt vote for me thi november but she was about to kick my opponent’s wife’s ass. I was kinda worried for a sec, not for my wife but for his.

        Hell hath no fury…

    3. My foreign wife prnounces it “Rum and Cock”…

      Sounds like something one would give to Warty. Without the rum, of course.

  12. “It’s possible, of course, that such associations can be explained by the characteristics of young drinkers who favor trendy concoctions such as the Annihilator and the Apple Pucker Mother Fucker, as opposed to the special dangers of combining alcohol with caffeine.”

    This is possible, but in this case I don’t find the alternate explanation to be very satisfying.

  13. The critics argue that adding caffeine to alcohol makes people underestimate their drunkenness.

    If you really want to counter the effects of alcohol don’t waste your time with caffeine or that gawd-awful Red Bull crap. I suggest about 10-50 mg of dextroamphetamine (depending on tolerance and level of alcohol consumption to be countered – start small add as needed throughout the night). It allows you to drink like a frat boy yet stay alert enough to avoid the most dangerous part of going out to bars — bringing home an ugly (or worse, fat) chick (remember, you can drink a ugly girl pretty, but you can’t drink a fat girl thin).

    Sure coke works too if you’ve got it, but it’s far more expensive and has much shorter-lived effects which make it inconvenient in most bar settings. Besides, if you can find coke you can certainly find some dextroamphetamine (or Adderall – though straight dextro is better and avoid the time-release Adderall) as well.

    [C]ollege students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers . . . to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.

    Regrettable for whom? But true enough in general to provide a good lesson to newly 21-yo’s hitting the bar scene for the first time: always pay attention to which girls are drinking the Red Bull Vodkas as they are typically the easiest to pick up later in the evening.

    1. Oh, and if they are mixing anything better than well vodka with that rot-gut Red Bull it is a sign of not only an easy pick-up but supreme bad taste which, depending on how fat and/or ugly you are, might be of some importance for you to know.

      1. Ah, dexies, its been a very long time. Didn’t know people still did them.
        Man, if I had those this would be a 500 post thread.

        1. Oh yeah, they’re still around but rather pedestrian and un-flashy which is another point in their favor. If they can stick around despite the newer, sexier fad drugs you know they must be good. And from my experience they’re better than most of what’s newer anyway. Now days Adderall (a blend of a few amphetamine salts) and Ritalin are more common (at least around this college town) because they are more commonly prescribed. But just the other night two girls I know both had the same 10mg dexie tablets I had which was kind of funny as it isn’t as common as some other things.

          And yes, a 500 post thread and a really clean house / office / car…

          1. Yeah, it would be a lot easier to pop a couple ‘vitamins’ in the library while working on a paper. But, if you start smoking meth out of a light bulb you will get looks.

            1. As long as they just look. Talking in the library sets me off when I’m tweaking.

    2. but you can’t drink a fat girl thin).

      Yes, but you can drink away the caring.

      1. Fat girls can be a lot of fun.

        Course, I’m talking about pleasingly plump fat, not OMG she ate the whole fucking cow in a single sitting fat.

  14. Two words:
    Jaeger. Bomb.

    Unless the government is going to prevent the sale of energy drinks at any place that sells liquor, all they’re actually doing is prohibiting a factory blending operation (and subsequent markup). Damn anti-easy profit motherfuckas.

    1. Jaeger bombs? I fucking shower in that shit!

    2. Two more words: Fucking. Disgusting.

      Seriously the J?ger-bomb has to be the most foul concoction ever to become a popular drink. It must have been invented on some kind of a dare or ploy to come up with something so sick that nobody would drink it. It’s like the Springtime for Hitler of drinks.

      1. Jaeger is made for shottin’, not mixin’.

      2. i don’t know, it reminds me of black licorice and i guess you have to be a fan of black licorice

  15. Muscle Milk!

    HGH!

    Yeah I’m on steroids, I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

  16. Muscle Milk!

    HGH! (= Human Growth Hormone, server squirrels)

    Yeah I take steroids. I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  17. Muscle Milk!

    HGH! (= Human Growth Hormone, server squirrels)

    Yeah I take steroids. I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    —–

    This is not spam it is guido speak.

  18. Muscle Milk! (n.b. this is not spam, squirrels)

    HGH! (= Human Growth Hormone, server squirrels)

    Yeah I take steroids. I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    —–

    This is not spam it is guido-speak.

  19. On the one hand, Sparks was fucking disgusting, but on the other hand, it was really delicious. Like an alcoholic, rancid, sweet tart.

  20. What about brewing my infamous Double Espresso Imperial Stout? Can I still do that?

    1. Not until it is proven safe. You are hereby ordered to immediately surrender all existing bottles, kegs or other containers of this potentially hazardous substance to us for… er… testing and um… disposal.

      1. to make sure no one else can drink it, we will of course have to metabolize and convert it to unpalatable urine.

  21. they’ll get my caffe corretto when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

  22. What about cough syrup and xanax? That’s still ok, right? I mean, the FDA hasn’t said anything about that combo, so I’m just gonna wash down a few bars with a couple swigs of Nyquil E-Z Sleep formula.

    Night, everyone. See you guys tomorrow.

    1. You talkin’ ’bout Purple Drank?

      1. nah, you got it all wrong, peep game:

        lean is promethazine-codeine cough syrup with some sprite. and if you goin hard, some jolly ranchers ballin in the mix. THAT’ll get you throwed.

        any other cough syrup ain’t the real deal, feel me? just watch for the laws when you holdin that styrofoam.

        /Houston

    2. Just don’t add caffeine, or you will be twice as likely to have a regrettable sexual experience…

      …In your sleep.

  23. This is retarded. It’s not like people haven’t been putting amaretto or Bailey’s in their coffee forever.

    Alcohol + caffeine = not new, douchebags.

  24. Paul, yeah, but substitute sedatives for Jolly Ranchers.

  25. Apple Pucker Mother Fucker

    If you can pronounce it, you haven’t had enough to drink.

  26. They’re probably going to try and ban mixing Jager and Red Bull in your kitchen, too.

    1. Your crazy, you’ll probably try telling me they’re going to ban smoking pot and eating percocets next.
      Where’s yer tin foil hat.

      1. You’re for your, damn this contraction gets me every time,need an edit button.
        I’m drinking too, also, in addition to having no english skills.

      2. That you are drunk is the only reason I choose not to excoriate you for attempting to make such a stupid, silly point. You may have been attempting sarcasm (hint: you failed).

        1. I was attempting sarcasm. Hey, it sounded good at the time, but doesn’t everything. The guinness did help watching the pens get excoriated by the sens.

          They didn’t get verbally put down but, had their skin removed.

  27. The critics argue that adding caffeine to alcohol makes people underestimate their drunkenness. They cite a 2007 survey by researchers at Wake Forest University that found college students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.

    So, I suppose it’s safer to have those drunks falling asleep at the wheel, right? Or passing out in strange frat houses, right?

  28. Actually, on a serious note, I think it’s incredibly disturbing that the FDA think it is within it’s mission to demand “evidence of safety” before allowing something on the market at all.

    Isn’t that effectively implementing the precautionary principle? I.e. don’t introduce any new product until you can prove it isn’t harmful (possibly through 30 year studies).

    The FDA doesn’t consider it permissible to yank genetically modified foods from the market unless there is positive evidence of harm. But somehow it’s supposed to be okay to yank caffiene+alcohol unless it is provien safe ??? Within 30 days?

    Seriously, WTF?

    When the hell did it become okay for the FDA to demand positive evidence of safety BEFORE allowing sometihng to go to market, instead of requireing some sort of demonstrable proof of harm before barring it.

    And isn’t alcohol under the ATF anyway? Does the FDA even have jurisdiction here? Is this even legal for them to do?

  29. “The critics argue that adding caffeine to alcohol makes people underestimate their drunkenness. They cite a 2007 survey by researchers at Wake Forest University that found college students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.”

    Wait just one second. I go to Wake Forest. I swear if my school is indirectly responsible for the loss of these drinks, I’ll eat my diploma.

    1. “Wait just one second. I go to Wake Forest. I swear if my school is indirectly responsible for the loss of these drinks, I’ll eat my diploma.”

      Better make sure your diploma doesn’t have any banned substances in it first.

  30. I can remember getting toasted on Irish coffees on one beach trip way back. It was awsome, drunk as hell and no sleep for 36 hours.

    It’s the only way to fly.

    1. Oh, and I had no sexual experience under the influence of the demon caffine and whisky, regretable or otherwise.

      [kicks pebble]

      1. Stupid joke name…

  31. “college students who consumed cocktails based on energy drinks such as Red Bull were twice as likely as other drinkers to be injured in accidents, to ride with intoxicated drivers, and to get involved in regrettable sexual incidents.”

    Energy drink alcohols are twice as likely to be drunk by overall assholes. With tank top and backwards cap.

  32. Because this will certainly keep people from combining the two. No one will think to mix two of the things in their homes.

  33. My extensive research has demonstrated that the number of times you will be bale to serve the bone is equal to the number of Red Bull and Vodkas consumed for N

  34. This combination can save you if you’re having a stroke. Seriously.

  35. I can’t help but note that:

    “The critics argue that adding caffeine to alcohol makes people underestimate their drunkenness”

    So it strikes me that ANY caffeinated drink can also make you “underestimate your sleepiness” and hence opens corporations up to (pricey, profitable) lawsuits involving people falling asleep on the job, in the car, etc…and what about the caffeine headaches whern the stuff wears off? I suspect this is just the tip of a safety iceberg…

  36. Thank a liberal today. The nanny state is here.

  37. Since when was alcohol safe to begin with? It’s a poison. People put it on things to kill bacteria. Drunk people are always doing stupid stuff, it’s not the caffeine’s fault.

  38. Also, I demand convincing “evidence of the safety” of allowing the FDA to tell us what to do.

    Oddly-shaped mirrors make people underestimate the ability of elevators to carry their body weight! The atmosphere makes people underestimate the isolated condition of astronauts. Continuous life makes people underestimate what it’s like for others to die. Let’s all get rid of funhouses and suffocate to death!

  39. so wait there’s no caffeine in a rum and coca-cola?

  40. The “suits” are actually snobs. Throwing a commonly used epitaph around, they could be considered racist too. Nobody is banning hoity toity $10 bottles of Belgian strong ale. But a beverage that the poor/(ephitet) could enjoy, that is wrong. “Those People” shouldn’t be drinking.

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